More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (28 page)

CUSTOMER:
What is the first name of the author Anonymous?

Nicole Adams:
Jess Hann Branch, Oshawa Public Libraries, Oshawa, Canada.

CUSTOMER:
Do you sell cake plates?

CUSTOMER
(pointing at the fiction section)
: How are these books arranged?

BOOKSELLER:
They’re alphabetical.

CUSTOMER:
By what? Title?

BOOKSELLER:
No, by the author’s name.

CUSTOMER:
Their first name, or ...

BOOKSELLER:
Their surname.

CUSTOMER
(rolls his eyes)
: Christ. It’s different in every bookshop, isn’t it?

Kirsty Logan:
Ottakars, Buchanan Galleries, Glasgow, UK.

CUSTOMER:
I can’t remember the title of the book I want but it’s about a nurse.

BOOKSELLER:
Is it fiction?

CUSTOMER
(with a look of disdain)
: Uh, no. It’s a story.

CUSTOMER:
I wonder if you can help me. Where can I buy the pasta on the front of Nigella’s book?

The booksellers of
Village Books, Wandsworth Common
and Dulwich Village, London, UK.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a large print Bible on cassette? My mom’s hard of hearing.

Steve Laube:
A Christian Bookstore, Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Have you heard that nuclear weapons are a myth?

Chris Howard:
HCB Wholesalers, Hay-on-Wye, Powys, UK.

CUSTOMER:
I’m looking for a copy of
Tess of the d’Urbervilles
by Hardy. It was mentioned in
Fifty Shades of Grey
and I really liked that so I thought I’d give it a go.

Will, Colm, Kevin & Sinead:
The Campus Bookshop, UCD Dublin, Ireland.

CUSTOMER:
I need to change the name on my library card.
(Presents Deed Poll notification.)
I’ve changed my name to Michael Jackson for, you know, obvious reasons.

LIBRARIAN:
...

Steven Hartshorne:
Bolton Central Library, Bolton, UK.

(The phone rings)

BOOKSELLER:
Hello?

MAN:
Hey! So, I just watched this movie and it said it was based on a true story, so I was wondering if there was a book to go with it?

BOOKSELLER:
OK, sure, what was the movie?

MAN:
Battleship
. You know, the one with Rihanna. I really like Rihanna.

BOOKSELLER:
Um, yeah ... I’m sure I could find a sci-fi novel or other merchandise for you.

MAN:
No, I want a historical or biographical book.

BOOKSELLER:
I could find you something about battleships ...

MAN:
No, I want the true story of
Battleship
– with Rihanna.

BOOKSELLER:
That movie is based on the board game,
Battleship
.

MAN:
Uh, well, I just watched it and it’s really good and it really happened.

BOOKSELLER:
I haven’t seen the movie, but isn’t it about aliens attacking the Navy or something?

MAN
(enthusiastically)
: Yeah, exactly.

BOOKSELLER:
...

Becca Perry:
Barnes and Noble, New England, Massachusetts, USA.