Morning Star (36 page)

Jenny saw the tears in Sally's eyes and put her arms around her. “Oh, Jenny, it's really nothing I can put my finger on. It's just life is so—” She paused to rub at her eyes and then tried to smile. “Jen, I've everything a woman could possibly want, yet . . . I'm in the true church, and we're both living up to our religion. I have a beautiful daughter, a nice home . . .” Her voice trailed away and she moved away from Jenny.

“You tried suicide last year and now you're scarcely living. I suppose I shouldn't pry, but thinking of last year, I'm afraid to not insist you talk.” Sally's hands trembled as she mopped at her eyes.

Jenny took charge. “Go sit in that rocking chair. Here, rock John Mark. He's nursed and ready for sleep. I'm going to make things a little brighter around here.”

She nudged Sally toward the chair and turned to shove the teakettle to the front of the stove. “I'm going to boil some eggs for you. Where's the bread?”

After Sally had eaten, she allowed Jenny to lead her upstairs. “Now you stay there until you sleep. I'm going to sweep the floor and wash the dishes.”

While Jenny had her hands in the dishwater, washing the piles of dirty dishes stacked around the kitchen, she began to think.

Sally was living up to her religion. Jenny recalled how she'd always admired and envied the composed, elegant Sally—the woman who looked as if she'd never sinned in her life.

But at the picnic last August Sally had confessed her problem to Jenny. Jenny's hands moved slowly in the water.

With a sigh she said, “Seems if the Lord were in this marrying, Sally should feel like the most holy woman in town. Seems, too, I should feel differently about Joseph's proposal to me.” Sally had the witness of the rightness of the marriage. Knowing should have taken care of the guilt.

Jenny addressed the ceiling. “Seems, God, You ought to have been able to take care of her guilt. She's feeling so bad about the situation. If she's got guilt, I sure don't want this to happen to me. But what about John Mark? Seems, God, I'm getting to the place where I don't want to have anything to do with being holy. I just can't forget the promises Mark and I made. When it comes right down to it, I just guess I don't want to be a queen of heaven.”

She was scrubbing the pot, crusty with burned-on food, when she looked ceilingward again. “If there's another way on earth to settle my eternity without displeasing You, I'd jump in a minute. Right now the biggest problem I have on my mind is how to make certain my little baby isn't left out.”

Jenny found a chunk of meat and some vegetables. By the time she had the meat browned and the vegetables peeled and snugged around the roast, she had managed to shove aside her own needs. Sally's were critical.

When John Mark began to cry and Sally came into the kitchen with him, Jenny had found the Bible. She took the baby and sat in the rocker. Sally sat at the table and touched the Bible.

“Is that your solution to it all?”

Jenny chewed her lip, wondering how much she could force herself to say. “Sally, religion isn't working for either one of us. You know Mark's against endowment. You know what Joseph had to say about sealing our posterity. Well, in a way I'm just as troubled about my religion as you are. Seems you are living up to it as well as a body possibly could, and it's not doing a thing for you except making you desperately unhappy. I sure wouldn't settle for what you're having. So, it seems we both need to look for a better way.

“Months ago Joseph told me I ought to be studying the Scriptures. I started out reading the
Book of Mormon
and then the Bible. Well, I've ended up reading just the Bible. Mostly because I'm discovering it's teaching me things, like the fact that God loves us and He's trying to help us along the way.

“Sally, I fear for you. Unless you pull yourself up short and begin to make some progress with the Lord, I don't think you're going to—”

“Keep living?” Sally sighed.

“Why don't you begin by reading in the book of John?”

“I've read it before.”

“Did you believe what you read? Jesus came to give us life. If we believe in Him we'll spend eternity with Him.” Jenny chewed her lip. “Come to think of it, if we can spend eternity with Him, just by accepting the idea He's died for our sins so we don't have to—well then, where will Joseph be? If he is there, well then, I think we've found an easier way to get to the same place.”

“Oh, Jenny, you're making my head whirl!”

Jenny looked at Sally in dismay. “I'm sorry. I want so badly to help you, but I just don't know how. I'm not happy with my religion and you're not happy with yours. According to what Joseph's been teaching, you've progressed a lot further than I have. Just looking at your sad face and seeing the mess of things, I can't say I envy you one bit.”

Sally cradled her head on the book and began to cry. In desperation Jenny looked down at John Mark, “Young'un, hurry with your dinner.”

To Sally she said, “While we're waiting on John Mark, turn to the eighth chapter of John and start reading. About verse thirty-one, I think. I don't understand it all, so maybe you can help me, too.”

Wearily Sally pushed herself up and began thumbing through the Bible. She found the section, then slowly said, “This is to the Jews.”

“Well, didn't Joseph talk about our blood being changed into children-of-Israel blood when we got baptized? So I'm thinking it must apply to us.”

She looked down at the words and said, “Well, he's telling the Jews if they
continue
in His word, they are His disciples.” She paused to read silently and when she lifted her head there was a wondering excitement in her voice. “It says here that they'd know the truth and the truth would make them free. Jenny, is Jesus
promising
that if we read this Word, it's going to make us free?”

“It sounds like it, doesn't it? Almost makes me think I dare not read! But go on—there's more, and it's so big I can hardly get my mind around it.”

Sally frowned, but dutifully she bent over the Book. She murmured the words: “The Jews tell Jesus they're not in bondage—like us, huh? We have the promises. But Jesus tells them that if they sin, they're a servant of sin.” She shifted impatiently and lifted her head. “Jenny, this isn't helping at all. I just don't understand—”

Jenny urged, “Go ahead, read some more. It's the next part that won't leave me alone.”

“‘If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.'”

Jenny was speaking softly. “There's more, in another place He says He's the way, the truth and the life and that no man comes to the Father except through Him. And He says that if we keep His word, He'll love us and
manifest
himself to us. I think it's meaning we'll get to know Him.”

It was getting late. Regretfully Jenny got to her feet. “Sally, I've got to go home. Mark will be there. I've put supper on to cook for you.” She reached out to touch her friend. “Please read more, and
hope
in what you read.”

She lingered a moment longer. The shadows were back in Sally's eyes and Jenny felt her sadness as she turned to leave.

Chapter 36

“Oh, Mark, he isn't a baby anymore!” Jenny wailed, but she couldn't help beaming down at John Mark. The toddler, standing on sturdy legs, teetered slightly as he tilted his head to look up.

Mark crouched down, carefully patted the crown of bright curls and surveyed the little blue and white suit. “Looks like a little sailor in that outfit. Wanna go fishing with Pa?” John Mark crowed and launched himself toward his father.

“Well, it's to Sabbath meeting right now,” Jenny said, turning to watch the baby stagger across the floor.

“He's as efficient as a toy boat in a mud puddle,” Mark chuckled as John Mark steered clear of the kitchen stove, bounced off the wall, and headed back.

“Andy and Sally are bringing Helene to dinner after meeting. If we see Tom, let's bring him home too.”

“I don't expect to see him,” Mark stated, getting to his feet. He looked at Jenny. “Tom's one of the strugglers right now.”

“What do you mean by that?” Jenny put the lid on the roaster and shoved it into the oven. “With another piece of wood in there now, we'll have dinner as soon as we get home.”

“I'll wait a few minutes,” Mark said. He was still studying her face and Jenny looked up. “Tom is beginning to wonder if he wants to push on with Joseph's teachings. You know he's been asked to join in the Council of Fifty.”

“What's that?”

Mark shrugged. “I can tell you little, my dear, except that right now Joseph is causing a flurry among some of the men, the ones to whom he's revealed the kingdom of God secrets.”

“Not you? Not his prize attorney?”

“That's correct. And there's good reason for that. From what I've gathered just by observing, the men come out of those meetings feeling one of two ways.”

“I don't understand.”

“They're either elated—walking on air, or they're scared, angry, and depressed.”

She studied him for a moment before saying slowly, “Mark, at Relief Society there's been some of the women acting the same way. The whispers about spiritual wives are growing into more than the usual snickers and teasing.

“I'm seeing troubled women. Embarrassed ones. Some are whispering that their husbands are angry, threatening to leave the church. They mentioned the fact that the
Book of Mormon
teaches against polygamy, calling it a whoredom.

“Others are outraged, like the Laws. They want a change. I know for a fact that some of the families have invested a great deal of money in the church to build the temple and buy property.”

She turned to pick up John Mark's sweater and her shawl. Mark hesitated and then said, “Jenny, I have a feeling that trouble's brewing out there. We may be called upon to make some big decisions, and in a hurry.”

She saw his eyes, but her fearful thoughts were running ahead.
The church, the endowments, John Mark
.

After Sabbath meeting, while Mark and Jenny were walking back to their buggy, they listened to the couple in front of them. The woman was saying, “Why does Joseph keep talking about polygamy? Nearly every week he seems to feel called to deny a new charge.”

Her husband replied, “I'd like to know why Joseph keeps bringing up the Missouri issue. I'm sick of being reminded of those bad days. If he'd just let sleeping dogs lie, we'd all be better off. The good Book tells us to forgive, and I think that's pretty good advice.”

When they reached the buggy, Mark said, “Well, what are
you
thinking?”

She looked surprised. “I was thinking about what Brother Kimball said a couple of weeks ago, comparing it to the
Book of Mormon
. Mark, the
Book of Mormon
says there's no chance for a person after death. I take that to mean there's not one thing a person can do to change where he'll spend eternity once he dies.”

Mark nodded. “That's right, and the Bible agrees.”

“But,” she continued, “Brother Kimball indicates these sinners will go to hell, have the corruption burned out of them and then end up in heaven as servants. Then the sermon today talked about the unredeemed being angels forever.”

“I heard it too,” he said looking at her with a quizzical frown.

“And there's no chance for an angel to be a god?”

“Well, not according to the church doctrine. Jenny, what is troubling you?”

“Well, then, I can't understand how an angel named Michael can become Adam who was God. That's the creation story.”

Tom was waiting for them when they reached home. But his happy grin disappeared when the Morgans' buggy wheeled in behind them. “Oh,” Mark groaned. “Poor Tom; he'll have to put up with Helene.”

After dinner Tom and Helene, with Tamara in tow, disappeared down the lane while Mark and Andy wandered out to the barn. Jenny settled John Mark for his nap and began the dishes. “Sally, why don't you just sit in the rocking chair and talk to me?”

She was shaking her head as Jenny spoke. Seeing the dark shadows in her eyes and her restless pacing, Jenny handed her a dish towel. They worked in silence until Jenny said, “How are you feeling now?”

Sally shook her head. After another long silence, she said, “The worst part is deceiving Andy. It's getting to the place where I can't pretend any longer, and he thinks it's his fault.”

“Why don't you just ask him to take you away from here?”

“That wouldn't solve the past; besides, remember, I'm earning my right to the eternities.”

Jenny finished scrubbing the roaster and turned to Sally. “Have you been reading in the Bible?” She shook her head and Jenny stood watching her helplessly. Finally she said, “The only person I can think of who'd be able to help you is Mark. He knows so much about the Bible—”

Sally turned and looked at Jenny with a puzzled frown, and Jenny realized the separation between them. “Sally, I should have told you. I believe the Bible is God speaking to me, telling me how to live, what to think about Him. He tells me about sin and forgiveness. The words in the Book give hope when it seems impossible.” She paused and searched Sally's face. “Do you understand?”

“I understand that you have changed. You used to use the charms and the secret things. They frightened me, mostly because of the way you looked when you used them. But they were mysterious and exciting, too. Now—you're talking about the Bible, and Joseph says it isn't translated correctly. He says corrupt men have done this. Jenny, I'm too fearful to trust when you say
trust
and he says
don't
.”