Mr. Darcy's Refuge (33 page)

Mr. Gardiner nodded slowly. “Then let us discuss how best to proceed.”

***

Darcy could have found it in himself to wish inefficiency upon Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, for despite the hurry and confusion of their preparations for their unexpected departure, every minute that they remained was one more minute he could spend with Elizabeth, even if it was only watching her write notes on her aunt’s behalf. Unfortunately, a mere hour saw the whole completed and the separation upon them.

It felt as if part of him was being torn away. He had known that their days together would be brief, but this unexpected foreshortening of their time was wrenching. He had only just begun to feel more confident in her attachment to him, and now her worry for her sister seemed to predominate over her feelings for him. He understood, but that did not mean he had to like it.

He could not bear it that Elizabeth was in distress and there was nothing he could do to ease her pain, at least not at the moment. Even if – no,
when
he found Wickham and made him marry Lydia, Elizabeth would still have the pain of knowing her sister was wed to a reprobate and faced a future that was uncertain at best. He seriously doubted Wickham could make any woman happy for more than a very brief period, and Lydia’s unhappiness would hurt Elizabeth. God, how he
hated
problems he could not fix! And it was even worse when they involved the woman he loved.

It was too much. As soon as Elizabeth set down her pen, Darcy took her by the hand and led her into the small private parlor. Beyond caring about propriety, he closed the door behind them. After all, if anyone wished to complain about his behavior, he would be perfectly happy to do the honorable thing and marry Elizabeth this very minute. In fact, he half-hoped someone
would
make a fuss. Anything would be better than to be plunged back into the awful limbo of complete separation without even the consolation of news or letters, knowing Elizabeth to be in pain. Closing his eyes, he embraced her tightly. For almost the first time in his acquaintance with her, he did not even want to kiss her, just to hold her in his arms and never let her go.

He could feel her tension, but as she rested her head on his shoulder, her body seemed to relax a little. “I wish I could do more to help,” he said.

She slipped her arms around him, her hands pressing against his back. “Do you know what is worst?”

He could imagine too many possibilities for that. “Tell me.”

“I am frantic about Lydia’s safety, of course, her loss of reputation, and about how this will affect both you and my family, but the thing that bothers me most is that I have to leave.” Her voice quavered at the end.

He leaned his cheek against her hair. “My dearest! If it were not that I would sound horribly selfish, I would be saying the same thing.”

Her shoulders were shaking now. “I do not care what my father says. I will try to find some way to write you.”

“Only if you can do so safely. I do not want you to bear further punishment for my sake. It is only five months – and if I say that often enough, perhaps I will even start to believe it.”

She made a sound that was half laugh, half sob.

Mrs. Gardiner’s voice came from outside the door. “Lizzy? Are you there?”

Since Elizabeth was now weeping openly, Darcy said, “She is here.” He could not bring himself to release her, even though he knew he should.

The door opened and Mrs. Gardiner peered through. To Darcy’s relief, she seemed able to ignore their improper position. “I am sorry, but the carriage is ready.”

Darcy nodded jerkily and slid his arms down until he held Elizabeth’s hands in his. He kissed her gently on the forehead, and in a voice only she could hear, he said, “Remember yesterday. Remember that I will always love you. Remember me.”

She nodded jerkily, unable to speak, tears still flowing from her eyes as Darcy handed her into the carriage. He watched the carriage pull away, not moving until it was completely out of sight. Then slowly, as if the last hour had aged him ten years, he mounted his horse and rode back to Pemberley.

***

Elizabeth’s subsequent journey to Longbourn accompanied by the Gardiners was filled with the keenest of all anguish, from which she could find no interval of ease or forgetfulness. Her aunt and uncle offered what comfort they could, but there was little that they could say to help her.

They travelled as expeditiously as possible. The scene when they arrived at Longbourn was chaotic. Mrs. Bennet and Kitty had been brought home from Brighton by Colonel Foster two days after Lydia’s elopement, and Mrs. Bennet had taken directly to her bed. Mr. Bennet had left for London the following day, leaving Jane and Mary responsible for the four young Gardiner children as well as their distraught mother. Kitty was of little help, complaining constantly of her desire to return to Brighton. The arrival of Elizabeth with Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner was greeted with great relief on Jane’s part.

In the afternoon, the two elder Miss Bennets were able to be for half an hour by themselves. Elizabeth instantly availed herself of the opportunity to tell Jane about meeting Mr. Darcy at Pemberley and his plans to aid in the search for Lydia. She forbore to mention the presence of Mr. Bingley.

Jane said, “I feel so very guilty for keeping your engagement a secret from our mother. We gave our word to our father, but I cannot help but think the knowledge would be a great comfort to her in this time. I shudder to think how desperate I would feel if it were not for that, thinking we would be forever shamed and eventually penniless. Your marriage will not only guarantee us a roof over our heads after our father dies, but it will lend some respectability to the rest of us. Kitty, Mary and I would be doomed to spinsterhood if our only connection were to Lydia, but as the sisters-in-law of Mr. Darcy, we will still be marriageable, if somewhat tarnished by all this.”

Her words struck Elizabeth to the heart. Why, after all, was she still keeping it a secret? Her father was not there, and when she had given him her word, this situation was yet undreamed of. She thought of what Darcy might say, and that strengthened her resolve. “You are quite right, Jane! I had not thought of it that way. Come, I will tell her at once.”

“But how will you explain having kept it secret for so long?”

Elizabeth thought for a moment. “I have an idea for that.” With that, she marched straight to her mother’s dressing room, where she found Mrs. Gardiner sitting with her weeping mother.

“Mama, there is something very important I must tell you,” Elizabeth said firmly. “While we were in Derbyshire, I saw Mr. Darcy, and he and I are engaged. We meant to keep it a secret until I spoke to my father, but in his absence, it is only right that you know the truth.”

This startling intelligence had the effect of stilling Mrs. Bennet’s sobs, and she stared at her second daughter in astonished disbelief. “Is this another of your jokes, Lizzy?” she said fretfully. “It is cruel of you to try my nerves so at such a time as this!”

It took Elizabeth a moment to recall that her mother believed the announcement in the paper to have been a joke. “It is not a trick. Mr. Darcy and I are engaged, and we plan to be married at Christmastime.”

Mrs. Bennet turned her face to Mrs. Gardiner. “Can this be true, sister? Why did you not say anything?”

Mrs. Gardiner said soothingly, “It is true that they are engaged. Edward and I agreed to keep the matter confidential until such a time as your husband gave his permission.”

Fanning herself, Mrs. Bennet said, “Of all the foolishness! Of course he will give his permission. Ten thousand pounds a year! Oh, my dearest Lizzy, come and give me a kiss! How very clever of you to find and secure him!”

“I assure you, I had not the least expectation of seeing Mr. Darcy in Derbyshire.” At least that much was completely true.

Mrs. Bennet sat up. “Oh, but we must tell everyone the good news! Then they will stop gossiping about poor dear Lydia.”

Elizabeth had not thought the matter through to this point. “No! We must not tell anyone. Er, Mr. Darcy would be most displeased if he discovered that anyone had been told without my father’s permission. He is very proper, you know, and we must not displease him!” She noticed her aunt’s look of repressed mirth at this prevarication.

Her mother’s eyes grew wide. “Of course we must not displease Mr. Darcy! Oh, but it will be so terribly hard to keep it a secret. How I long to tell my sister Phillips! I cannot wait to see the look on Lady Lucas’s face when she hears the news. Charlotte’s marriage is nothing to it, nothing at all! Ten thousand pounds a year!”

Mrs. Bennet’s raptures were such that it was nearly half an hour before she again recalled Lydia’s plight. “Oh, but that hardly matters now! Everything will all sort itself out nicely, I am sure. Mr. Wickham is sure to want to marry her now that it will make Mr. Darcy his brother! After all, they were such good friends when they were younger, and now they will be able to make up their quarrel!”

Mrs. Gardiner and Elizabeth exchanged bemused looks at Mrs. Bennet’s convenient restructuring of the truth.

***

Elizabeth’s next step was to acquaint Mary with their mother’s new understanding of the situation, lest she let something slip about having already known about the engagement.

Mary closed the book she had been reading. “I am glad you told her. I had wondered how we would explain Colonel Fitzwilliam’s visits. He is almost due to call, if he keeps to his usual schedule.”

“His usual schedule?”

“He seems to visit about once each fortnight, and it has been almost that long since he was here last.”

Elizabeth counted backwards in her head. “He called while I was away?”

“Yes, he offered to take Jane and me to tour the park at Ashridge. It was truly lovely. He says he will take us to Wimpole Hall another time. He thinks I would enjoy seeing the library there.”

Colonel Fitzwilliam had been very busy, it seemed. “That was very kind of him. What is that book you are reading? I do not recognize it.”

Mary held it out to her. “It is by Mary Wollstonecraft.”

Her sister’s taste in reading had evidently taken a surprising turn. Elizabeth examined the spine, expecting to see the title of one of Mrs. Wollsonecraft’s novels. Instead it read ‘A Vindication of the Rights of Women.’ She raised her eyebrows. “A new interest?”

“Colonel Fitzwilliam recommended it. He thought I would be interested in her views on the education of women.”

It would certainly provide some balance to the sermons that constituted Mary’s usual reading material. “I will look forward to hearing what you think of it, then.”

***

Later, Elizabeth asked Jane, “What has been happening in my absence? Mary can speak of nothing but Colonel Fitzwilliam!”

Jane blushed. “He has been very kind to her. He always takes the time to compliment something about her appearance – her hair or the color of her dress – and it has made her much more attentive to how she looks. But then he always seems to know what people need to hear. He was very kind to some of the wallflowers at the assembly as well.”

“Well, if he somehow managed to convince Mary to read a book by a fallen woman such as Mrs. Wollstonecraft, he clearly has quite an influence. I am convinced she must be half in love with him!”