Mr. Hollywood (Celebrity #1) (26 page)

She held her hand up.
“
You
don
’
t need to elaborate. I get the
picture.
”

“
Still
not the worst part,
”
I said, hating that she
looked like she was about to cry.
“
When I realized what had happened,
I lost it. I was literally hyperventilating in the bed, trying to figure out
what the hell had gone on.

“
The
man next to me woke up and smiled. I
’
ll never forget what he said.
‘
Hey, in case you don
’
t remember, I
’
m Andy. You kept calling me Audrey
or Aubrey or something last night. You were pretty out of it.
’
I heard your name and it seemed
like everything in front of me turned red from rage.

“
I
jumped up from the bed, dragged him out of it and proceeded to beat the shit
out of him. I called him every vile name I could think of, sobbing as I accused
him of raping me and I bashed his face over and over again into the tile floor.
”
It was like I was immediately back
in that moment. Fear choked me, clawing at my neck like it wanted to strangle
me. I could see every single tiny detail, smell every smell, and even now, I
clenched my hands, remembering the way his bones had crunched beneath them.
“
Blood was splattering everywhere. I
could hear him begging me to stop, begging me for his life, shrieking about how
much I
’
d wanted it, and that I
’
d been excited about it even.
”
Even now, the rage I
’
d felt at those words consumed me
again.
“
I couldn
’
t even think, Aubrey. I just wanted
to
kill
him.
”

“
Did
you?
”
her voice was trembling as she
asked.

“
No,
thank god, but I busted him up really bad. The ruckus woke others and caused
Lauren to come see what was going on. I have no idea what, or who, she was
doing during all this, but she definitely wasn
’
t
with me. As soon as she saw me standing there naked over a very bloodied, and
at this point, unconscious Andy, she called 911.

“
Several
people heard her in hysterics and rushed into the room, pulling me off him.
They locked me in another room until the police showed up and arrested me and
an ambulance took poor Andy away to the hospital.
”

“
Did
he survive?
”

“
Barely.
”
A strangled sob escaped me and I
sank to the floor, covering my face with my hands, wishing it could stop the
words.
“
I almost killed him. He had a
cerebral hemorrhage and had to have surgery to relieve the pressure. I busted
up his nose, and cracked one of the bones around his eye and one of his
cheekbones was broken, too. He looked like he
’
d
been in a horrific crash when they took him from the house, completely
unrecognizable. I remember wondering how anyone who looked like that could
possibly still be alive.
”

“
How
did none of this get leaked into the papers?
”

I snorted.
“
There
’
s
a reason I pay Penelope and the rest of the team top dollar. It
’
s because they
’
re the best. They know how to cover
shit up. But mostly it was because I caught a break. I don
’
t know why, but Andy refused to
press charges against me. He told the cops that there had been a
misunderstanding and that I believed he
’
d raped me when I woke up. He said
I was only defending myself and took all the blame, and I let him.
”

“
You
didn
’
t do anything?
”
Her voice was complete horror now.

I shook my head.
“
Not really. I threw a bunch of
money at him to ease my conscience
—
a bunch. I wanted to help with his
medical bills. He refused to see me afterward, not that I blame him, but he did
accept the money.
”

“
And
Lauren?
”

A soulless sounding laugh escaped me.
“
She called me a faggot and kicked
me out of the house. Penelope paid her off too, and got her to sign a
confidentiality waiver. If she says anything, she loses everything. Penelope
has too much dirt on her.
”

“
Wow.
I don
’
t even know how to respond to all
this.
”
She scrubbed at her face with her
hands before plopping back onto the bed.

I continued on, wanting to help her understand as best
I could.
“
I
’
d
like to think that under different circumstances, I wouldn
’
t have reacted so strongly. I don
’
t hate gays. You know that. We both
had friends in high school who were out, and I
’
ve
worked with a ton of amazing people since I
’
ve
been here that I absolutely admire. I definitely don
’
t want to be called a gay basher.
But when I woke up, all I could think was that this guy raped me.

“
In
the statement he gave the police he said I was a willing participant. I don
’
t know what I feel worse about
—
that comment, or beating the shit
out of a stranger. What kind of person does that make me? I feel like I lost my
identity in that moment. I didn
’
t know who I was anymore. Was there
some secret closet desire to be gay or bisexual inside me, and if so how could
I have not known about it? I swear, Aubrey, I
’
ve
never felt sexual desire toward any man in my life. This was just completely
out of the blue for me.
”

Sighing heavily she sat up, crossing her legs on the
bed and staring at where I was still seated on the floor. I didn
’
t go to her. She needed distance
from me right now.
“
I don
’
t
think you
’
re gay, or even bisexual. I think
you
’
re a drug addict that
’
s in way over his head. Please tell
me you stopped using for at least a little while after this.
”

“
No,
”
I replied, shaking my head.
“
I couldn
’
t take knowing what I
’
d done. If anything, the drug use
got worse. I honestly felt like there was no point in going on, that I was
broken, ruined. Now I wasn
’
t just trying to forget about you,
I was trying to forget about everything.
”

“
And
so you started sleeping with every single woman you could.
”
It wasn
’
t a question. It was a statement.
She understood exactly where I was coming from.

“
I
did. All so I could prove to myself that I
’
m not gay, and know who I really
am, but the truth is, I don
’
t have a damn clue.
”

Another large sigh escaped her.
“
You
’
re
really fucked up, Zane, you know that?
”

“
I
do.
”
My heart felt like it was
shattering all over again with my awful confession.
“
If you can
’
t be with me, or if you don
’
t want Dustin to be around me, I
understand. But this is the truth. You know all my dirty secrets now, the big
ones at least. If you need to know the rest I can keep going.
”

“
No.
I think I can draw a pretty good conclusion from what you
’
ve told me already.
”
Tears leaked down her face.
“
Thank you for being honest with me.
It says a lot about your character.
”
She paused, as if her next
words were going to be difficult for her, and I felt my heart plummet.
“
I don
’
t
want to hurt you, but I
’
m going to need a little time to
process all this. I need to be able to think, without you sitting right there.
Whenever I
’
m next to you everything becomes so
—”

“
I
get it.
”
Standing, I removed my wallet and
picked out one of my personal cards.
“
This has my cell phone number on
it. Call me if you want to talk.
”

Taking the card from me, she stared at it, softly
rubbing her finger over my name.
“
I
’
ll
call you when I
’
m ready.
”

“
Okay.
”
Turning, I headed from her room, my
heart feeling the heaviest it ever had in my entire life. It was like I was
walking out and leaving happiness behind me and I didn
’
t know if I
’
d ever be able to recapture it
again.

“
Wait!
”
she called and I turned in the
hallway, hopeful, finding her standing in her bedroom doorway.
“
How will you get home? I drove you
here.
”

“
Don
’
t worry. I
’
ll be fine.
”
Digging into my pocket I pulled out
my cell phone.
“
I
’
ll
just call a cab and walk down to that gas station near here to meet it.
”

“
Are
you sure?
”
She didn
’
t look like she agreed with that,
but didn
’
t offer any other suggestions.

“
Yeah,
I
’
ll be fine.
”
I couldn
’
t help staring at her, wondering if
it might be the last time I ever saw her.
“
Whatever happens now, please know
that I
’
ve always loved you, Aubrey.
”

“
I
know you do,
”
she replied, her voice soft
and her eyes teary.
“
Sometimes though, love by itself
isn
’
t enough. There has to be trust,
too.
”

With that, she closed her bedroom door without saying
the words back to me. Turning, I stared sorrowfully at the entrance to my son
’
s bedroom wishing I could go inside
and hug him one last time, but I didn
’
t dare.

I let myself out of the house.

“Who Is the
Father of Aubrey Hart’s Son?”

~
Paparazzi
Watcher
~

Chapter Twenty

Z

“
Where
to?
”
the cab driver asked, and I was
relieved that he didn
’
t appear to know who I was.

“
Sunnybrook
Haven Center for Wellness,
”
I replied, not even having to
think about it. Never in my life had I wanted a drink as much as right now.
Battling to keep from giving in, I
’
d stared long and hard at the gas
station, knowing there was alcohol in the coolers right inside. It would be so
easy to walk right in, load up, and go home to get plastered like I had a
thousand times before. All these raw nerves inside me were eating me up as
scenes from my past flitted through my mind with nothing to stop their torment.

Something had happened when I
’
d confessed things to Aubrey,
though. A light had clicked on inside my head and I finally realized what
everyone had been trying to tell me. My actions were causing me to lose
everything I loved. Drowning my sorrows and getting strung out wasn
’
t bringing me any closer to the
things I wanted. If anything, it was ripping me farther away.

I felt weak, washed up, and like I
’
d given away all my power to
something that would never really help me, and it definitely would never care
for me. Was this what I
’
d done to myself? Had I really
turned my back on everything good in my life, just so I wouldn
’
t have to deal with pain? When had
I lost it so badly?

It was time to do something about this. It was time to
take a stand and do what I knew was right, even if it meant losing the crutch I
’
d hung onto for so long.

Staring at my phone, I pulled up my contacts and
dialed a number.

“
Hello?
”
a sleepy voice answered.

“
Dr.
Wilson? It
’
s Zane. I
’
m headed back to the facility right
now. I
’
d like to check myself back in
again as a full time patient.
”
Emotion caught in my throat,
and I did my best to swallow it. I felt completely broken.
“
I need help, and I
’
m ready to tell you everything now.
”

“
I
’
ll be there within the next thirty
minutes,
”
Dr. Wilson replied without
hesitation and I could hear him moving around.
“
I
’
ll call ahead and let the staff
know you
’
re coming.
”

“
Thank
you,
”
I replied, barely able to get the
words out.

“
No
problem, Zane. I
’
m glad you called. I
’
ll see you soon.
”

I didn
’
t answer, instead hanging up the
phone. It was all I could do to not let the tears and grief come out. I felt
like I needed to vomit and purge this darkness out of me, but the cab driver
was already giving me looks.

Thankfully, it didn
’
t
take long to get to the facility. I paid the driver and tipped him, trying to
keep it together as I headed toward the front door. It was after hours, but the
night security guard smiled when he saw me and immediately moved to check me
in.

“
Evening,
Mr. Carpenter,
”
he said, using the alias I
’
d been checked in under previously.
“
Nice to see you again. Dr. Wilson
asked me to check you in and see that you get settled in his office. He
’
ll be here shortly.
”

“
Okay,
thanks, Rodney.
”
I was glad he was wearing a
name tag. I sucked at remembering people
’
s names. Penelope kept track of
them all for me.

That was bad, too. When had I given my power over to
other people? When had I quit being in charge of my life and instead just let
it happen to me? It was an eye opening revelation. I
’
d been catered to and pampered by
everyone for so long, I wasn
’
t even sure if I knew how to take
care of myself. My life consisted of being shuttled from one acting gig to the
next and partying all the time, with a few award shows and press junkets mixed
in. When had I quit being me, the kid who could run a farm completely by
himself, and turned into a lazy jerk who drank himself into oblivion at the end
of every day, sleeping it off for hours?

What kind of life was this? This wasn
’
t fun or exciting. This wasn
’
t being a big shot celebrity. This
was being an addict. I was completely out of control and couldn
’
t even see it
—
not until right now, in this moment
—
and I didn
’
t like it. Not one bit.

I was done with letting life rule me. It was time to
start ruling it. And regardless of whether or not it was good to be in a
relationship with Aubrey right now, I wanted her. I
’
d wanted her my whole life. Every
woman I
’
d ever slept with, I
’
d imagined was her at some point or
another. I wondered if anyone had noticed my preference for brunettes? I even
specifically requested them when ordering my drugs from my dealer.

True, there had been some pretty costars of mine that
had different hair colors, ones that I
’
d fucked on set in between takes
when we had down time in our trailers. But when searching out a possible date,
I always tried to match them to Aubrey
’
s looks. Subconsciously, I
’
d known why I was doing it. It didn
’
t take a psychiatrist to figure
that out. I was constantly trying to recreate the feeling I
’
d experienced when Aubrey had
finally given herself to me.

I was so stupid. There was no recreating it with
anyone else. It was so amazing because I was
in love with her
. Being with her again had proved
that to me. All the searching I
’
d done, all the longing I had, was
completed and satisfied once I was back in her arms.

She was my true addiction. She always had been. Even
the fact that I was so upset over the incident with Andy was proof. I felt like
that act was the final straw
—
the one that took away all my
chances of ever making things right with her if I ever had the courage to find
her and face her again.

And now I had. I
’
d had Heaven in my arms for a brief
moment and lost it again. I honestly didn
’
t know if she
’
d come back. Now I didn
’
t know if I
’
d ever get to see my son again, and
the pain was excruciating, impossible to bear. I couldn
’
t fault her for keeping him away
from me. I would
’
ve done the same if our situations
were reversed.

I was fucked up. Fucked up in a bad way, and it was
all my fault. I was the only one to blame for everything. If I
’
d been in control of me, none of
these other bad things would
’
ve happened. I was the one who
’
d put myself in all these awful
places. It was me who
’
d sabotaged my own happiness. All
because I couldn
’
t man up and talk to anyone about
the things that bothered or scared me. Instead I simply repressed everything
until I was like that volcano Dustin had shown me
—
ready
to explode.

My world was crashing down around me, falling apart at
the seams and I couldn
’
t seem to hold it together anymore.
I don
’
t know why I
’
d been so blind to it before, but
now it was painfully obvious what needed to be done. Even that revelation hurt
me.

It was time to let go and release it all. It was time
to forget about everyone else
—
everything else
—
and find me again. I couldn
’
t do this to save my job, or
placate some studio executives. This wasn
’
t for Aubrey or Dustin, and
definitely not to please the Harts and get them to accept me.

No, it was time to fix me
for me
, because I needed to be able to
rely on myself. I needed to find my center again and regain control. I wanted
to enjoy life again because I loved myself, and wanted to find a way to be
happy again, no matter where I was or whom I was with. I wanted to be the boy I
used to be
—
the one full of hope and excited
for his future. Looking in the mirror at the monster I
’
d become was exhausting. Fear had
led me exactly where I didn
’
t want to go. My obsession to
ignore my problems had turned me into something I could no longer live with. It
was time to break free. No more holding back.

I was weeping like a fool by the time Dr. Wilson
joined me in his office. Immediately, he sat down beside me, and placed his
hand on my shoulder.
“
First things first, son. Did you
use?
”

I shook my head, not looking up at him.
“
No. But I want to more than ever. I
’
m an addict. I know that now.
”

Dr. Wilson squeezed my shoulder.
“
I
’
m
proud of you, Zane. You just made the first crucial step in recovery, admitting
that you have a problem. The good news is now that we have that out of the way,
we can roll up our sleeves and get started on your healing in earnest.
”

“
I
’
d like that,
”
I replied, still trying to get
control of myself, but now that the floodgates had opened, I was having a hard
time containing my grief back inside them. I was a complete mess.

“
Can
you tell me what triggered this tonight?
”

I gave a wry laugh.
“
Yeah.
I finally confessed the grotesque truth about my past to Aubrey. She wanted to
know everything and I couldn
’
t lie to her. Telling her made me
realize how bad things really are and how much I want to change and be in
control of my life again. I
’
ll do whatever is necessary.
”

He patted me briefly on the shoulder and moved to the
leather chair beside the couch and picked up his notepad sitting there.
“
Can you tell me what you told
Aubrey? I know it
’
s difficult, but please know that
nothing you say will change my opinion of you. We all have things in our lives
we aren
’
t proud of. I
’
m here to help you work out these
knots and find a way to move past this.
”

“
I
almost killed a man,
”
I blurted out, the words
boiling up out of me as if they needed to be purged from my soul.