Authors: Dan Gutman
My Weird School #15
Pictures by Jim Paillot
Crazy Pet Day
Mr. Macky's Fake Beard
If You Read This, You'll Go Blind
Abraham Lincoln's Face
George Washington's Face
It's Hard to Be the President
I Wish I Had a TV in My Pajamas
George Washington Vs. Abraham Lincoln
Happy Presidents' Day
The President Is Missing!
President Wiggles, Reporting for Doody
My Turn at Last
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
Man, I wish I was a grown-up. Grownups are so lucky. They don't have to go to school.
If I was a grown-up, you know which grown-up I would be? I would be the president of the United States. And you
know what I would do if I was president of the United States? I would close all the schools. Then kids wouldn't have to go anymore. That's what I would do.
But until I become president, I guess I'll have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!
It was Crazy Pet Day at Ella Mentry School, so kids who had crazy pets brought them in to show the class. My friend Ryan brought in his hermit crab. This girl named Annette brought in her bird (which, if you ask me, isn't crazy at all). I don't have a crazy pet. I just have a dog, which isn't crazy at all. I wish I
had a penguin. Penguins are cool. But my parents won't get me one because they live in Antarctica. Penguins, that is. Not my parents. My parents live at home with me.
“EEEEEEEK!” screamed this girl Emily, who cries over everything. “A rat!”
It wasn't a rat. It was a pet ferret that belonged to Neil Crouch (who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes).
look a little bit like a rat. A long rat.
“What's your ferret's name?” I asked Neil the nude kid as I looked in his cage. (The ferret's cage, that is. Not Neil's. He doesn't live in a cage. He lives in a house with his parents.)
“His name is Mr. Wiggles.”
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap
clapped our teacher Miss Daisy. That's her signal that we have to stop talking.
“We'll learn all about your crazy pets later,” Miss Daisy told us. “But first, I have big news!”
“Miss Daisy said she has a big nose,” I whispered to my friend Michael. He cracked up.
“Do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us, A.J.?” asked Miss Daisy.
“The big news is that Presidents' Day is coming up next week,” said Miss Daisy.
“What's Presidents' Day?” somebody asked.
“I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn't know anything. “Maybe one of you kids can tell the class what makes Presidents' Day special?”
I raised my hand. So did Andrea Young, this really annoying girl with curly brown hair. She was waving her hand in the air, like always. Andrea thinks she knows everything. But Miss Daisy called on me
instead. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea.
“Presidents' Day is special because we get the day off from school,” I said. “Any time we get a day off from school, it's special.”
Everybody laughed, even though I didn't say anything funny.
“Gee, I'm not sure that's right, A.J.,” said Miss Daisy. “Can anyone else tell us what makes Presidents' Day special?”
Andrea and Emily were waving their hands in the air and moaning, “Oooooh!” like they were dying. They are so annoying. But Miss Daisy called on Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“Presidents' Day is special because that's the day big-screen TVs go on sale,” said Michael. “My dad is gonna buy one. A really big one.”
“Big-screen TVs are cool,” I told Michael. The only thing better than watching TV is watching a big-screen TV.
“Hey,” Ryan whispered to Michael, “can me and A.J. come over to your house and watch your big-screen TV?”
“You should get a screen so big that it's bigger than your house,” I suggested.
“That's impossible,” said Michael. “It wouldn't fit in the house.”
“Who needs a house?” I said. “You
could just live inside the TV!”
I'm always coming up with genius ideas like that. That's why I'm in the gifted and talented program.
“Enough chitchat,” said Miss Daisy. “I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me why Presidents' Day is special.”
Nobody else raised their hand, so Miss Daisy called on Miss Smarty Pants I-Know-More-Than-You-Do. Why can't a bunch of presidents fall on her head?
“Presidents' Day is the day we honorâ”
Andrea never got the chance to finish her sentence because at that very moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
I'm not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
Hahaha! I knew you'd keep reading!
While Andrea was telling us why Presidents' Day was special, this tall, skinny guy walked into the class. He was wearing a dark suit, a big hat, and a really fake beard. And he was holding a can of chicken noodle soup.
“It's Abraham Lincoln!” shouted Emily, who looked like she just saw a
famous rock star or something. “He's my favorite president!”
I slapped my head. That girl Emily will fall for anything.
“Abraham Lincoln died like a million hundred years ago, dumbhead!” I told her.
“You're mean!” Emily said. Then she started crying and went running out of the room.
What a crybaby! All I did was call her a dumbhead, which she
Everybody knew the guy in the hat and beard was Mr. Macky, the reading specialist at Ella Mentry School.
“You're Mr. Macky!” Neil the nude
“No, I'm not,” Mr. Macky said in this really fake low voice. “The young lady was correct. My name is Abraham Lincoln. When I was a boy, I lived in a log cabin. We were so poor that I had to write on a shovel by candlelight.”
Abraham Lincoln!” we all yelled. “You're Mr. Macky!”
“Okay, okay! I thought I could fool you.”
Mr. Macky pulled off his hat and fake beard and tossed them on the floor. That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
Emily came back in the room!
Well, that wasn't the amazing part. Emily comes back in the room all the time. The amazing part was that when she came back, Emily stepped on Mr. Macky's fake beard.
“EEEEEEEEEEEK!” she screamed. “A rat!”
Emily slipped and fell. She was on the floor, freaking out. It was hilarious. We were all cracking up.
“It's not a rat,” I told Emily. “It's just Mr. Macky's fake beard, dumbhead!”
Emily started crying and went running out of the room again.