Authors: Mrs Stephen Fry
A robust, filling and intensely satisfying dish. Serves one.
Ingredients:
1 family-sized tin Spam, opened
Extra slutty olive oil
500 ml whipping cream
Zest of 2 Jif lemons
Allspice
Pre-rolled sponge
2 dozen oysters
1.5 litres Blue Nun
1. Preset washing machine to mark 8.
2. Carefully ease meat out of can and lay on flat surface. Season, rolling and teasing gently until lightly flustered.
3. When you have the required length, braise tenderly, slowly raising the heat until sufficient hardening occurs and the juices begin to flow. Firmly rub in oil to maintain optimum moistness.
4. Fill your bowl with cream and whip into frenzy, adding a little zest. Smear over meat and sponge gently.
5. Fold and toss vigorously until completely engorged. Leave to bubble away. Drink Blue Nun, eat oysters and lean against washing machine until thoroughly drizzled.
6. Serve with broccoli, new potatoes and a cigarette.
12 Wednesday
Went to the cinema this evening. It was a choice between a Woody Allen film and
Avatar
, but I can't stand those ridiculous glasses, so we watched
Avatar
.
13 Thursday
Brangelina's so cute. Apparently at school today she had a playground wedding. Her best friend LaToya was the head bridesmaid, her little classmate Shane played the groom (looking a little worse for wear after yesterday's playground stag night), the deputy head Miss Morgan officiated and the school solicitor drew up the pre-nup.
They even had a professional photographer. I
say professional, more an enthusiastic amateur. Long Range Len did a lovely job if you ignore the railings and his net curtain. It's so nice to see children using their imaginations. Next week they're having a playground divorce.
14 Friday
Just discovered a packet of little blue pills in Stephen's pocket. I've told him to think long and hard before taking them.
15 Saturday
The twins' birthday today. Sadly, we were too late to book a party at Build-A-Bear so we went to Do-A-Doll instead. Asbo and Subo had a lovely time. The place was festooned with balloons - all the colours of the rainbow and ribbed for our pleasure. The staff did a tremendous job, leading enthusiastic renditions of 'Happy Birthday', 'The Wheels on the Bus' and 'Eskimo Nell'. They'd arranged party games - Pass the Parcel and Pin the Tail on Donkey Dave - and Booboo the clown was a big hit with his highly creative and anatomically precise balloon animals.
After the party food, the children all got to inflate their own doll and they could even choose the colour of its ultra-realistic hair. The two hours flew by - Stephen particularly enjoyed Sally the Stripping Squirrel - and everyone went home happy with a party bag filled with all sorts of weird and wonderful toys. A great success!
16 Sunday
A nice, relaxing day. I must remember to thank Mrs Winton for putting me on to that feng shui. I have to say it really works! I feel so much calmer since we moved the children's beds into the garage.
17 Monday
Had a lovely lunch with Mrs Norton at the new vegetarian restaurant on the high street, Debbie Does Salad. Very peculiar, though. She said she'd been watching television the other night and seen someone who looked the spitting image of my Stephen. And he wasn't on
Crimewatch
or
Police, Benefit Cheats, Action
. Some intellectual quiz programme called
Mock Your IQ
or something. Apparently this chap's the host. Must remember to Sky Plus it.
Decided to take a break from the kitchen and have a takeaway tonight. No luck. Tried to order a Domino's pizza but they had no delivery boys available. Apparently one of them had an accident. He fell over, knocking another one over, who knocked another one over . . .
18 Tuesday
Stephen Junior's Parents' Evening today. It was so lovely to finally meet his teacher, Ms Woolley, after her extended leave. I must say she's looking a lot better now. She finally seems to have that twitch under control. She seemed terribly pleased with Stephen Junior's progress this year, or at least the two weeks she's spent with him. She did say he was struggling a bit with his English, but then he gets that from his father. And he's also struggling with his Maths. And his Geography. And his History. And his Science. But he looks set for a grade C in Metalwork and Domestic Violence and apparently, he's already got an ADHD so I was terribly proud. The meeting went swimmingly - unlike his swimming - until Ms Woolley suggested that his results and general demeanour might benefit from a better diet. I'm afraid the rest of the evening is a bit of a blur.
19 Wednesday
Saw Ms Woolley again. I must say the ward looked delightful - lovely wallpaper. I don't know what came over me. Took her a batch of my special lemon ketchup brownies to cheer her up.
20 Thursday
Had to buy another box of Kleenex for Hugh Junior today. I blame myself. Last time I cleared up his bedroom floor, I accidentally dropped 50 pence. Now he thinks there's a sperm fairy. It's costing me a fortune.
21 Friday
I've been telling Stephen for months to get his glasses fixed. If it wasn't for his homing instinct he'd never even make it to the Red Lion's Karaoke Night, although he still managed to win, somehow. Apparently the audience loved his renditions of 'I've Got You Under My Sink' and 'Some Whore Over the Rainbow'.
22 Saturday
What an exciting day! After months of waiting, the new shopping mall - the Shangri-la Centre - finally opened this morning. It's in the industrial estate just off the ring road. It took a while to find it because the sat nav in the Transit's broken (Stephen tried to feed it curry sauce last week on the way back from the dog track). If it hadn't been for Stephen Junior's ankle tracking bracelet we'd never have found it. I must say, though, it was definitely worth the three-and-a-half-hour journey. It was a spectacular affair. They had a ventriloquist and a meat raffle. All the local papers were there and the centre was officially opened by Cristal Braithwaite from series seven of
Big Brother
, who cut a giant credit card in two. Sadly, Stephen had to stay in the car park until she had finished, due to the restraining order. Oddly, one passer-by asked me why Stephen hadn't been asked to open it himself. Silly man. As if anyone would want a window cleaner to open a shopping mall! He has enough trouble opening his own front door most nights.
After the grand opening, we wandered around the centre. It was breathtaking - all gleaming and white, like a giant A & E department. And there was barely any graffiti or vomit. They had every shop you could want, all under one roof. If it had a roof - apparently, that's due to be finished in April.
We skipped excitedly in and out of Primark, 90pWorld and Tattoos 'R' Us before finally heading over to the food court. And what an array greeted us there! All the major fast-food chains - The Toast Factory, Yo! Mince and Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich! In the end, we settled on a Bucket o' Cheddar from Cheese Louise. Of course, it couldn't compare with my culinary masterpieces, but it definitely hit the spot.
I have to say it was a truly magical day out. We so rarely get the chance to do something like that as a family, what with Stephen being banned from the bowling alley, the municipal swimming pool and France.
23 Sunday
How annoying. Was about to watch that
IQ
programme Mrs Norton was going on about, when Stephen's foot accidentally slipped through the television screen. That's the third time this month. Thank goodness his mate, Reasonably Honest Al, seems to have an endless supply of the things.
24 Monday
Record takings for Stephen on his window-cleaning round today. Passers-by kept throwing money into his bucket - they thought he was a living statue. Honestly, that man's so lazy. He even gets his
Razzle
magazine on audiobook. He particularly enjoys the Listeners' Wives section.
My mother rang this evening. She's off to Fuengirola with her pool cleaner next week and she wanted my advice about bikini waxing. She's thinking of having a Brazilian, but I think at her age it can be a bit of a grey area.
25 Tuesday
Had a phone call from Mrs Norton this morning. She said she was busy on her computer the other night - cancelling more of Graham's Lithuanian brides - and she found something called Twitter. She says Stephen's on it. A lot, apparently. And all this time I thought he was just gambling away our holiday savings on Texas Hold 'Em. Some kind of social network thingummybob, she says. I'd better check out his laptop. Goodness only knows what a barely literate window cleaner has to write about.
Oh my giddy aunt! I've just looked at what Stephen's been writing on this Twitter thing. Opera this, concertos that. That man and his imagination! I don't know where he gets it all. According to him, the other night he was at the Royal Albert Hall enjoying a scintillating interpretation of
Der Ring des Nibelungen
's
Gotterdammerung
, when I know for a fact he was down the King's Head. He never misses Half-price Bacardi Breezer and Pork Scratchings Night. I must say, all this is very troubling. It's almost as if I don't know the real him at all. Perhaps we should be doing more things together. Things that don't involve banana flavoured lubrication.
26 Wednesday
Time to do the washing. Just realised Stephen's still wearing his December pants. Spam Bourguignon for dinner.
27 Thursday
Incredibly, I managed to persuade Stephen to come with me to the local community college open night tonight. I've decided to enrol on Creative Writing for the Middle-Aged Housewife, while Stephen's plumped for Intermediate Spinster Spanking.
28 Friday
What terrible luck! Hugh Junior fell on the icy school playground this morning and twisted his ankle. We were hoping for at least a broken leg. It's not as if I didn't push him hard enough. Last year we got a fortnight in Benidorm out of Brangelina's fractured wrist, thanks to So-U-Claim.
29 Saturday
The snow's falling heavier this evening. Stephen just texted to say he might be stuck in the pub all night. He hasn't even left the house yet.
30 Sunday
Our 16th wedding anniversary. Who would have thought? Apparently, 16 is Tupperware. According to Stephen, at any rate. I feel so silly now, buying him that diamond-encrusted gold signet ring and chain set. Still, he didn't seem to object. Luckily, Stephen's karaoke injury compensation came through just in time, so we're off to a show and a slap-up meal tonight. I can't wait. I can't remember when we last went out together, just the two of us. The last time must have been our honeymoon. Of course, strictly speaking, that wasn't just the two of us. Although it was nice of the bouncers to let us take the pram into the casino.
Amazingly, we've found someone to take care of all our kids tonight. Social Services won't normally take more than two at a time. Stephen's dressed up to the nines in his best Hawaiian shirt and leather trousers and I've had my hat specially reupholstered for the occasion. I'll tell you all about it, Dear Diary, when we get back . . .
Goodness, what a night! What a show! Such timing. Such precision. Such incredible grace. I have to say, when it comes to thoroughly spectacular cultural entertainment, it doesn't get any better than Monster Trucks on Ice. Such a shame Stephen got over-excited and the manager of the arena had to ask him to leave. Of course, Stephen being Stephen, he wouldn't go quietly. He swore, he emptied his bucket of buffalo wings over row J and finally gave the manager the finger. His giant foam one.
Still, he calmed down once we got to the restaurant. After his first four lagers, anyway. Mrs Biggins recommended it to me. She and her Chris have been to the Rings of Fire curry house several times. It's a fantasy-theme restaurant where all the waiters dress up in costumes. The smaller ones are hobbits and the rest are wizards and orcs. We had a hobbit, although I must say there was no discernible difference in the quality of service. All in all, it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. We had a wonderful time. In the end, Stephen and I went for the C.S. Lewis Special set meal. It's like the regular set meal, only naanier.