My Body-His Marcello (30 page)

How can a person
spend her entire life never wanting vengeance toward another person
and then all of a sudden it is the one desire that consumes her? Is
that what happened to workers who went “postal”? One day it all
changed for them and they wanted—no
needed—
to get their hurt
out of them by hurting others? Was that what drove crimes of
passion as well? Was I like them?

“
Jane,
JANE … I’m talking to you.”

“
Let
go of my arm,” I said, yanking it out of his grasp. “Give me
Janice’s number.”

“
Why?”

“
You
want nothing to do with me so why ask? Just give me the
number.”

“
She
didn’t have a choice.”

“
That
must be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me. The video was
already over at that point. She had fucked all the men. You must
think me the most naïve person you’ve ever met. I saw what it was.
I now see who you are. Who you would
like
people to think
you are is so very different from the real you. At least Marcello
is honest about who he is—even if he
is
an
asshole.”

“
I
made a mistake choosing you and for that I’m sorry.”

I can’t explain
what came over me but I picked up the letter opener and drove it
into his left thigh. It didn’t go in far but it made my
point.

“
Goddamn it Jane! I’m calling the police.” Luke pulled the
letter opener out of his thigh.

“
I
think that’s a brilliant idea. I’ll wait right here and show them
your video operation. I’m certain they’ll be interested in what’s
in here.”

“
What
do you want?”

“
I
want Janice’s number. I want my money back—all the money from the
sale of my apartment and the money that was in my account. I want
the house on the beach and you to move out ASAP. I would love to
see you suffer in pain but I’ll let that part pass.”

“
I
thought you still loved me and wanted me back.”

“
Does
it matter?”

“
No.”

“
Here
you had me convinced that Janice was the fucked-up one. She was so
right about you. You’re the one who can’t sustain a relationship
because you’re the one who withdraws and is incapable of real
love.”

“
I
loved you, Jane. I just don’t anymore.”

Those words hit
me like a bullet in the chest. My arms hung at my side and the
tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to live past that
moment. I didn’t want to have to suffer another thought in my mind
or feeling in my heart or breath in my lungs. I wished to cease to
exist. I crumbled to the floor and couldn’t move. Had I had the
strength, I might have attacked him again, hoping he would kill me
in self-defense. I curled up in a ball near the wall and lost touch
with reality.

Time was
suspended for me. Maybe I fell asleep or just shut down. I can’t be
sure of what had happened until I woke up in surroundings I did not
immediately recognize. I opened my eyes, desperate to let some
light in, but found it pitch black. I thought for a moment that I
might be dead and in my coffin. I felt around until I determined
that I lay on a cot. I remembered my past dreams and realized I
must be asleep and revisiting the same vault dream. I strained in
the direction of the door and could make out a sliver of light
coming from underneath. The light increased as the huge vault door
opened and I struggled to make out the shape walking toward me. I
stood next to the cot and recognized Marcello’s shape. I opened my
arms out toward him and as soon as he materialized into a solid
form he morphed into my father. I screamed, waking up in another
bed I didn’t recognize.

“
It’s
okay,” Parker said, touching my shoulder. “You’re just having a bad
dream.”

As my eyes
cleared from sleep I made out Parker’s guest room.

Allison and Sandy
were there as well.

“
Why
are they here?” I asked Parker.

“
Luke
called all of us.”

“
He
did?” I said as I sat up in the bed still in the same clothes as
the night before. My head was swimming.

“
Yes,”
Allison said.

“
What
did he say?”

“
You
needed help and he couldn’t give it to you.”

“
That’s it? That’s all he said?” I lay back down in bed, hoping
for oblivion to take me again.

“
Yes,”
Sandy said.

I looked over at
Allison and said, “I’ll be fine. You have way more important things
to be attending to.”

“
I had
to make sure you’re okay.”

“
I’ll
never be okay again, but I will go on. I’ll feel worse, however, if
you’re here worrying about me when you should be getting ready for
your wedding.”

“
We
can handle it,” Parker said to Allison.

“
I
don’t need handling,” I said, sitting back up.

“
That
Hank guy seemed nice,” Sandy said.

“
I
thought you said Luke called.”

“
He
did, but Christian drove you back here and Hank followed in my
car,” Parker said.

“
I
need to be alone.”

“
Oh
well, okay,” Sandy said.

“
Let
us know if you need anything,” Parker said.

“
Thank
you.”

I didn’t know
what to do next but staying at Parker’s house a moment longer with
her and Sandy hovering over me was sure to do me in. I needed a car
to carry out my newest plan. Had I gotten Janice’s number from Luke
it would’ve made things easier. That thought gave me an
idea.

I could hear
muffled chattering coming from the living room as I wrenched myself
out of bed. Parker, Sandy, and Allison were all sitting on the
couch, huddled together.

They stopped
speaking and looked up in unison.

“
I
need a phone book,” I said.

“
A
phone book?” Sandy said.

“
Yeah,
you know … those big yellow things.”

“
Why
do you want a phone book?” Parker asked.

“
Do
you have one or not? Last time I checked I was still a full-grown
adult who can take care of herself.”

“
That
happens to be in question, Jane,” Allison said.

“
I
appreciate your concern. It’s very sweet, but I’ll manage. I told
you, you should go. If you stay I will feel even worse that I’m
keeping you from getting ready for your big day. I’ll see you
tomorrow.”

“
You
promise to be there?”

“
Yes,
of course I’ll be there. Now go, before I push you out the door.” I
spoke with much more vitality than I actually felt. I had consumed
hardly any food
in the
last few days and that—coupled with the total devastation of my
life—hadn’t left me brimming with energy. Crazed vengeance can,
however, fuel even the most food-deprived.

Allison looked
over at Sandy and Parker and they both nodded to her. It was not at
all pleasant being the crazy person in the room. They looked
concerned but also scared. I should’ve felt appreciation for their
love and worry, but truly I wished they would just leave me
alone.

They sat there
staring, waiting for the crazy girl to do something irrational.
“The phonebook please,” I said, holding out my hand, palm
up.

Allison hugged
Parker and Sandy and gave me a look of compassion as she departed
through the door.

Parker got up and
went into the kitchen.

“
A
fine mess you’ve gotten yourself into here,” Sandy said, once we
were alone.

“
Well,
you know me … when I go for things, I go for them big.”

“
Want
to tell me what happened?”

“
Not
in the least,” I said.

She shook her
head knowingly. I got the impression that she herself thought that
the reality might be worse than her imagination and she would’ve
been right.

“
Here,” Parker said, extending the phonebook to me.

“
Thanks,” I said as I slogged back into the bedroom and closed
the door.

I looked up the
number of Marcello’s restaurant and punched it into my cellphone,
thinking it would probably be too early to reach anyone
there.

“
Marcello’s
Ristorante.
May I help you?”

“
Marcello, please.”

“
He is
unavailable, may I take a message?”

“
Is
Janice available?”

“
No,
I’m afraid there is only a few staff here preparing for a catering
event,” she said. Her voice was fading, as though she was already
about to hang up.

I quickly said,
“It’s imperative that I reach Marcello immediately.”

“
I’m
sorry … what is your name?”

“
My
name’s Jane and he’d want to take this call. I wouldn’t want to be
you telling him you merely took a message when a call of this
importance came in.”

“
Well
… um … please hold,” she said.

The hold music
did not help my mood so I held the phone away from my ear. Minutes
passed before the girl finally came back on the line.

“
I
have a number for you to call.”

She gave me the
number and I quickly hung up. I punched in the new digits and
Janice answered.

“
Jane,
where are you? I can come get you right away.”

“
I
have no interest in speaking to you. Put Marcello on the
phone.”

“
Marcello isn’t available. I heard about some of what happened
and Jane—”

“
Just
shut up, Janice. I have no interest in what you have to say. Take
my number and have Marcello call me right away. Oh and if you have
any ideas of not passing on my message I will be sure to let him
know I spoke with you at ...” I looked at the clock on the
bedside table. “It’s almost ten now.”

“
Wait
… please ... Why are you mad at me?”

“
I’m
hanging up now.” I hit end and tried to figure out what to do with
myself until I heard from Marcello. To my surprise the phone rang
just two minutes later.

“
Where
are you?” he said, without even saying hello.

“
I’m
at Parker’s house but please get me out of here. I think they’re
contemplating having me committed.”

“
Well,
Jane ...” he began.

“
Oh,
not you, too,” I said and snapped the phone shut.

“
Now
what?” I said to the closet.

The phone rang
again. “What?!” I said.

“
Give
me the address and I’ll come get you.”

“
On
one condition.”

“
Which
is?”

“
I
have use of a car.”

“
Once
you become mine you can have any car you want.”

“
I’m
not calling to ‘become yours’; I’m calling for your help in getting
Luke back.”
Although truthfully
that was no longer my intention.

“
That’s not possible. Jane, listen to me—”

“
Either yes or no. You can either help me or you can say
goodbye to me forever. Which is it going to be?” I knew pushing
Marcello was risky business but being the “crazy woman” had its
privileges and I planned to take full advantage. I knew he’d say
yes, if only for the opportunity of changing my mind and making me
his. The hunter wanted to win his prey, crazy or not.

“
Address please.”

“
Do we
have a deal?”

“
We
do.”

* * *

I gathered my
things, including my dress for the wedding, although I wouldn’t
need it. I darted out into the living room, where Parker was
talking on the phone and Sandy was sitting on the couch, watching
her.

“
Where
do you think you’re going?” Parker said, covering the receiver with
her palm.

“
Who’s
on the phone?”

“
Your
mother,” Parker said, steeling herself for my response.

“
Jesus, Parker, what the hell are you thinking?”

“
You
need help, Jane
,
and I’m
not sure what to do for you,” she said, shrugging.

“
Leaving me alone would be a good start. I know you mean well
and I appreciate you putting me up, but clearly I’ve overstayed my
welcome. Tell my mother I’m in good hands and not to
worry.”

I walked outside
and waited on the stoop. I figured I didn’t have much time before
the idea of Baker-Acting me—having me involuntarily committed—would
take hold. I only needed one more day.

Marcello popped
the trunk and threw my things in.

“
Christ, Jane, you are not looking well at all.”

“
Nice
to see you, too,” I said. I slid into the passenger seat and stared
straight ahead.