My Body-His Marcello (33 page)

On visiting day I
took extra care getting ready. I wore my hair down in the way Luke
liked and waited patiently to be called up front.

The first call
came at eleven. My mother was there, with Brian in tow. They
followed me back to my room and my mother ordered Brian to wait in
the hall.

“
Give
him a chance, he really cares about you,” she said once we were
alone.

How could she
possibly have missed the heat of my anger rolling off me? She left
the room and practically pushed Brian toward me.

“
Sorry,” I said to him.

“
Oh,
your mother’s okay, she means well,” Brian said with a
shrug.

“
You
clearly think more highly of her than I do,” I said, sitting on the
edge of my bed with the blue coverlet. “I definitely appreciate her
paying the bill on this place—which I will pay back—but our
relationship has never been an easy one.”

“
She’s
just worried. She loves you and wants you to be happy.”

“
Doesn’t her pushing you on me while I’m in an insane asylum
make you question
her
sanity?” I looked up at him and then
around my small room, where there was nothing but a small closet
and one window. “It does me,” I added.

“
This
isn’t an insane asylum, Jane.”

“
Close
enough. Again, I’m sorry you are being put through this and you can
tell her I sent you away.”

“
I
would like to stay and talk with you,” he said, sitting down on the
bed next to me.

“
Truly
I appreciate your kindness but—”

“
I’m
interested, or I wouldn’t have let your mother talk me into it,” he
said, looking down at his hands folded in his lap.

“
I’m
flattered, Brian, but there’s no going back.”

He looked up at
me and said, “How do you know unless you try?”

“
You’ll have to trust me on this one,” I said, patting him on
the back. “Thanks for coming by and being a friend. Please believe
me; I’m doing you a favor. In return, please take my mother with
you.”

“
In
case you change your mind …” he said, looking over his shoulder as
he headed for the door.

“
Thanks,” I said, shifting away to look out my
window.

* * *

While in the
retreat for us damaged people, I missed my runs along the beach,
hearing the waves crash on the shore, and seeing the sun on the
horizon. I missed being part of a couple. I missed feeling
connected and not alone in the world. Those are the things I
thought about while waiting for Luke to show that day.

I began to pace
my room as the day ran long. I felt thankful that none of my
friends came to see me
,
but their visits would at least have made the time move forward. As
the minutes ticked by I became more depressed.

Maybe he is still
in Japan and couldn’t get here today, I thought.

It would be
another week before the next visiting day and I didn’t think I
could last another week of voluntary isolation.

Visiting hours
ended at six o’clock and by five I had climbed into bed and pulled
the covers over my head.

At 5:30 p.m., the
phone rang in my room and I popped up quickly from my
pillow.

“
Yes?!”

“
You
have a visitor at the front desk.”

“
Please tell me it’s a man,” I pleaded.

“
It
is.”

“
Yay!”
I screamed and put down the phone.

I did a quick
check in the mirror and smoothed my hair. My heart jumped for joy.
I knew he would come. I floated up the hall. As I rounded the
corner confusion washed over me.

“
Hi,
Jane.”

“
Marcello?” I felt like crying, but no tears came. Then it
occurred to me he might have a message from Luke. But seeing
Marcello—striking in his black slacks and maroon, long-sleeved
shirt—had me questioning everything. He exuded such strength and
energy. His presence after all his letters left me muddled.
Although disappointed that Luke hadn’t shown, I felt something stir
in me.

“
Let’s
go to my room; we’ll have more privacy there,” I said.

I could feel his
energy radiating all around me as he followed me back to my room. I
closed the door behind him. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I
waited for some good news.

“
So?”
I said.

“
I
have a proposition for you,” he said.

“
Oh?”
I said, raising my eyebrows.

“
Come
live with us. You can still seek treatment here and look for work,
or try to get your old job back. Or take some time to figure things
out for yourself. I would have come to see you sooner and spoken
with you several times but they wouldn’t put my calls through. I
assume you’ve received my letters?”

“
Yes,
and thank you for those. They made the time in here almost
bearable,” I said, looking away and fiddling with end of the
bedspread

“
Glad
to hear that.”

“
And
Luke?” I was scared to hear what he had to say but unable to keep
myself from asking.

“
Luke
has been in Japan since the day after we took you to the hospital.
Janice and I packed up your things. They’re at my
house.”

“
Yes,
you said that in your letter,” I said, standing up. “Have you heard
from him?”

“
No, I
haven’t. We didn’t part on the best of terms, given the
circumstances.”

“
How
is that?” I said, pacing the couple of steps I could take in either
direction.

“
I
believe he overreacted to the situation, starting with the
beginning of the party. He told me what took place. I asked him why
he didn’t prepare you and he said he felt he shouldn’t need
to.”

“
That
is not what ended things. You pushed to have me come to your place;
that’s what ended things, Marcello.”

“
At
first it was merely machismo that I could make Luke change his
mind, and I did want to spend more time with you. However, his
state of mind that night had me worried, and I pushed the issue in
the end because I was concerned for your safety.”

“
I’m
not sure how to process that into all that’s happened.”

“
Jane,
I’m here to offer you a place to stay, no strings
attached.”

“
Why?”
I said, wrapping my arms around myself. “So you can
win?”

“
Because we care about you,” he said, placing a hand on my
shoulder mid-step, to stop me.

“
We
?” I looked up at him.

“
I
care about you. Janice cares about you as well.”

“
I’m
not like you.” I stared out the window. Peripherally, I could see
my computer on the desk. Would I miss my window of solitude? Would
I finish my story if I left? “They think I’m delusional,” I said,
turning back to face him.

“
About
what?” He held out his hands in front of him.

“
About
all that happened. They think I’ve made it up.” I snorted in
amusement, although I didn’t find it funny in the least.

“
So
why are you still here?” He took both my forearms into his hands.
“
Bella
, they clearly are not helping you.”

“
No
place to go and I had hoped—”

“
I’m
not sure if he’s ever coming back to the states, Jane, but I am
sure that it’s over between you. As I have told you, he doesn’t go
back. He never has.”

“
Why
hasn’t he divorced me then?”

“
I
don’t know.”

“
So
maybe you’re wrong about him,” I said. “Maybe he just needs
time.”

“
I
don’t think so. At any rate, you can wait it out at my
house.”

“
I’ll
think about it and let you know. Thank you,” I said.

He stepped toward
me and opened his arms. His large body embraced me and for the
first time in a month the tears poured forth.

* * *

When Luke didn’t
show that day or the next Sunday my loyalties began to veer further
toward Marcello. He came to see me again and I agreed to leave with
him the following week. I was insanely determined that Luke would
have one more chance to come by and apologize. I told Marcello to
wait until the end of the day to take me away.

On that same
Sunday, a week before my departure, my girlfriends all made the
pilgrimage to see me. I knew I’d have to face them eventually but I
would’ve preferred to confront them one by one. The hardest to face
was Allison, as I had attempted to kill myself on the day of her
wedding.

When I met her at
the front desk she embraced me immediately.

“
It’s
okay,” Allison said, although I knew I’d never forgive
myself.

I tried to keep
my tears in check but they spilled down my cheeks as she held
me.

Parker embraced
me next and said, “Don’t you ever do that again! You hear me? I
need you in my life and no man is ever worth that.” She squeezed me
so tight I had to loosen her arms to release myself from her
grasp.

“
My
turn,” Sandy said. She cried as she hugged me. “I’m so sorry I
wasn’t there for you.”

“
No
one could have been, Sandy,” I said as I extricated myself from her
hug.

Not knowing what
to say next I blurted, “Want to see my room?”

“
Sure,” they all said.

Their visit felt
awkward; they didn’t know how to act with me anymore, and I didn’t
know how to act like the person they used to know. I realized the
fundamental truth in Janice’s words of warning:
There’s no going
back
. The Jane I used to be existed in the past and no matter
how hard I wished it, she would not be coming back. I now had to
find a way to face life as the changed me.

By the time the
next Sunday rolled around, I was packed and ready to leave. I had
chronicled my entire experience with Luke and felt ready to move
on. I couldn’t spend any more time waiting.

At six o’clock
Marcello showed up and helped me load my things into his car. He
escorted me to the passenger side door and gave me a big hug. I
melted into him, feeling rescued and relieved.

* * *

Several weeks
passed and, good to his word, Marcello gave me the space to do what
I wanted without pressuring me for a relationship. I had just begun
exploring the world of agents and publishers while I spent my days
editing my book and running on the beach.

Although we
hadn’t discussed our relationship dynamic, in the last few days
Marcello had shown up in my room on a few occasions—one time to
spoon me to sleep when he found me still grieving over the love I
had lost. He held me close and securely through the night and I
woke up rested and ready to get on with my life.

Everyone suffers
a tragic loss of one kind or another, and I certainly had had mine.
I knew the devastation I had lived through wasn’t unique even if
the circumstances were unfathomable.

* * *

One night, when
Marcello filled the doorway with his broad masculine frame, I
sensed that his intent was different. I could feel his desire like
a rocket ready to combust. He must have intuited my readiness,
because I wanted him to take me. It had been months since I had
felt the hands and body of a strong man bringing me to orgasm. I
yearned to be touched, used, and pleasured.

“
Jane,
come here,” Marcello said in his strong, deep voice as he stood
next to the side of my bed. His black silk pajamas rippled as he
reached out to me. “I can wait no longer to have you, to be inside
of you, Jane. It’s taken all my strength to give you the space
you’ve needed, but the time has come. Don’t even think
about—”

“
Shhhh,” I said, touching a finger to his lips. I rose up on
tiptoes and replaced the finger with my mouth.

He actually
growled, burying his right hand in my hair and kissing me with a
fierce passion. He pulled away scanning my face before resuming his
hot-blooded domination of my mouth. He wrapped his left arm around
my back to lift me higher, angling his hard cock against my
mound.

“
Ohhhh,” I groaned when he released my lips, both of us
breathing hard.

Marcello lusted
after me with such intense hunger that I felt my pussy bloom and my
nipples tighten into hard, throbbing crests. When he snatched me up
into his arms my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist. His
hands firmly gripped my ass as he ushered me over to the chest of
drawers at the side of the bedroom. Pushing aside my belongings, he
set me down.

“
I
want to see your face, your eyes, when I finally penetrate you,” he
whispered. He took my face in his large hands and lowered his mouth
to once again possess mine.

I received him as
both the little girl who still needed to be loved and the stronger
woman I had become. There was a place for both of us to live safely
within me. Sighing into his kiss, I could feel the last vestiges of
my time in wait melting away.