My Body-His (7 page)

“
Well, if you don’t know for sure, then I’m
right, it’s still early,” she said, patting me on the
back.

Was it? I wasn’t so sure. I really didn’t know what
to feel. Luke confused me and I didn’t want anyone to point out
what I already suspected.

“
So have you set a date for us or what?” I said
playfully.

“
Yes, Jane and Luke will be married on June
seventh of next year in her beautiful ivory dress. Is he a black
tux sort of man?” Sandy asked.

“
Oh, bite your tongue, girl. I’m still not sure
I’m the marrying kind.”

“
Oh, but of course you are. You’re exactly the
marrying kind. You just haven’t found the right one
yet.”

For the rest of the walk I filled her in on the
mundane details I felt comfortable sharing. I told her about Luke
waiting for me outside of work with flowers, but not that he had
dropped them. I told her about the wonderful sex and the lilies the
next day but not about the note.
Who was I kidding?

Sandy and I shared a dinner and I went home feeling
more confused than ever. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I replayed
what had happened the night before with Luke. His presence had
filled the place. I could see him standing in the kitchen, putting
our food in the old style refrigerator with the freezer on the
bottom. I pictured him looking in the white cabinets, trying to
locate a glass to bring me water. Maybe next time we’d watch movies
together on the beige leather love seat I’d never shared with
another. I envisioned him in every room. I went to bed early to
avoid dealing with my thoughts and emotions.

That night I had another disturbing dream. I walked
down the same ally as in my previous dream but this time it rained
heavily and the water spun quickly into the grates in the middle of
the road. The water dragged and pulled against me like the outgoing
tide at the beach. I struggled to get past the grate and fell
sliding backward.

I woke up sweating and gasping. I took a couple of
deep breaths to calm myself down.

As the water from the shower rained down on my face,
I couldn’t help but wonder what my psyche was trying to tell me.
Was I drowning? I’ve always thought that falling in love was like
drowning, but in a good way. This felt different. This felt like I
couldn’t swim to the surface if I wanted to. I decided there and
then that I would end things when Luke got back.

When I got out of the shower and dried off, I found
that my feelings were under control again. I didn’t know when I
would hear from Luke but I was convinced I knew how to end it.

* * * *

When I stepped foot in my office I immediately got
into the flow of work. I moved the flowers to the table on the side
of the room so they no longer sat straight in front of me. Parker
called early in the day to see if I wanted to go to a movie after
my run.

“
Yes,” I practically yelled into the phone. My
strategy of keeping busy fell into place. I actually considered
returning my mother’s plethora of calls and finally making plans
with her, but I wasn’t yet that desperate to occupy my
time.

At the pub downstairs I got a salad to go. When I
returned to my desk an unaddressed envelope waited for me. Placing
the salad to the side, I sat down. It had to be from Luke. I knew
I’d find his slanted writing staring back at me. I couldn’t open
it. I didn’t open it. Comprehending the extent of my overreaction,
I felt sick to my stomach. Throwing away the salad I no longer
planned to eat, I noticed that although the garbage had been
removed, the pieces of the card I had torn up were still there.
How is that possible?
I knew I had thrown them out on top of
an already filled garbage can.

I gulped a huge uptake of air and held it in for a
moment.
Stop it, Jane … get a grip on yourself.
I threw the
card in the trash along with the to-go box that held my salad. I
grabbed my purse and walked by Brian’s office to tell him I planned
to call it a day. Women’s issues worked in a pinch. He waved me off
and said he’d see me tomorrow.

I drove straight home, changed into running gear and
ran to the beach. Running could clear my head better, faster than
anything else. Picking up my pace I turned into the paid parking
lot for beachgoers. I jumped over the parking stumps and headed out
onto the boardwalk. On any normal day I’d run between three to five
miles. Occasionally I’d push myself and run up to seven or eight
miles. I usually did that on a Saturday so I could take it easy for
the rest of the weekend. Today I ran until I could no longer run.
Having boiled out my thoughts with my sweat, I stopped, exhausted.
I’m not sure how far I’d gone but I had to walk the whole way back
from the beach.

When I arrived back at the apartment I took off my
shoes and socks and dove into the pool to rinse off the heat. On
the stairs leading to my apartment I left a dripping trail of
water. At the half-bathroom by the front door I pulled off the
decorative hand towel and began drying myself off.

I checked my messages.
Maybe my mother’s finally
given up on me.
Again I considered calling her but opted
instead for the oblivion of a nap. I stripped off my wet clothes,
hung them on the rack that had contained the towel, dried my hair
as well as I could and plodded to the bedroom.

I awoke to a pounding on the door. I instantly popped
up out of bed, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
Could
it be Luke?
I grabbed the wet towel off the corner of the
footboard, wrapped it around my nakedness and ran toward the door.
As I got closer, I could hear Parker yelling my name.

“
I’m coming, I’m coming!” I yelled
back.

“
I thought we were going out,” Parker said as
she entered the apartment, eyeing my lack of attire.

Long and sleek, Parker always reminded me of a
gazelle. She towered over me even when she stood back as she did
then. She looked formal and regal in her royal blue business
attire, a source of intimidation for her coworkers, no doubt. She
wore her hair cropped close to her head and curly, which took
nothing away from her striking, high cheek-boned face.

“
Sorry, I left work early and went for a long
run and then apparently took a longer nap than I intended,” I said
as I walked back to the bedroom. “Do I have time for a quick
shower?” I asked over my shoulder.

“
Very quick,” Parker said and followed me into
the full bathroom. “You left work early? That’s odd for you. What’s
up?”

Again I was at a loss as to what to say, what to
share, but then that seemed ridiculous. After all, I’d be ending it
as soon as I saw him again.

“
Well?” she said, getting impatient.

“
I met this guy, but I’ve decided I want to end
it. It’s a long story … well, actually a short story, but not
really worth mentioning other than I’ve decided that it won’t go
any further.”

“
Then why did you leave work early?” Parker
asked.

“
I felt like I needed to get in a good run and
try to gain some perspective. What’s new with you?” I said, hoping
to change the subject.

“
They are considering me for a promotion at
work so I’m excited about that.”

“
That’s great. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for
you. Any chance we can eat first and catch the later film? I
skipped lunch.”

“
I’ll go check the times,” she said.

* * * *

I enjoyed the evening with Parker but kept finding my
thoughts drifting back to Luke. I can’t recall the details of the
movie, because it didn’t hold my attention. I obsessively repeated
in my mind what I would say to Luke the next time I saw him, how I
would explain that we had to be done. I tossed and turned all
night, hardly sleeping at all, anxious to resolve the conflict
within myself.

When I awoke Thursday morning to the sound of the
alarm, I happily didn’t recall any of my dreams. That feeling of
relief only lasted a moment. Somehow, I knew that Luke would be
back that day and I’d have to end things. Part of me wanted to
ditch work altogether, but he knew where I lived and that scared
me. I couldn’t hide. I truly believed he’d find me anywhere if he
wanted to. Forcing myself out of bed, I reluctantly shuffled to the
bathroom and readied myself for work.

By the time I arrived, the tension in my body felt
like a vise clamped around my chest, making it difficult to
breathe. I walked into my office, worried that Luke would be
sitting there waiting, but to my utter relief my chair sat empty.
When I looked down at my desk I almost screamed. The envelope I’d
thrown away sat squarely centered on my blotter. I looked over the
side and released the breath I’d been holding; at least the garbage
can was completely empty.

I sat down and picked up the envelope. I was
contemplating it, thumbing the edges, when a knock on my door
startled me.

“
Feeling better today?” Brian asked, leaning
into the office while holding the door jamb.

“
Right as rain,” I said, forcing a
smile.

Right as rain? What the hell does that mean?

“
All right, then,” he said, departing with a
little wave.

Okay Jane, open or don’t … shit or get off the pot
… there’s a fork in the road, pick a direction … Fish or cut
bait … do something for
god
’s sake!

I grabbed the letter opener out of the cup on the
desk and sliced the top of the envelope. As I pulled out the card,
I started laughing. The card turned out to be an invitation to
Allison’s wedding. In a rush of thoughts, I remembered her
mentioning it over lunch on Monday. I had to ask, what was I doing
to myself? Maybe he wasn’t the crazy one.
Maybe it is me,
I
thought. Maybe he should be worried about me. Taking a deep breath,
I grabbed a Kleenex to blot my eyes. The release of tension I
experienced should’ve been a sign, but I ignored it. Was I losing
it? I put the invitation into my bag, cleared my mind, and got on
with the day.

I kept expecting the phone to ring and to hear Luke
on the other end or to receive a delivery from him, but by the end
of the day I realized he wasn’t going to contact me. My emotions
were so raw by day’s end that when Allison came by and lightly
knocked on the door, I jumped like a spooked cat.

“
Are you okay?” she asked with a look of
concern.

“
Oh … yeah, just a lot on my mind. I’m a bit
distracted,” I said, holding my head in my hands for a
moment.

“
Are you ready to leave? I thought we could
walk down together,” she said, swinging her bag over her shoulder
and flipping her shimmering blond hair.

“
Okay … sure,” I said, dropping the application
I had started to review. I took hold of my bag and we headed toward
the elevators. “Love the invitation,” I said to Allison.

“
Will you be able to make it?”

“
You can count on it,” I said.

As soon as the elevator door opened, I knew that Luke
waited for me across the street. I briefly thought of saying I’d
left something upstairs but I knew I’d have to face him eventually.
He didn’t seem like the type to take a hint. So, I kept pace with
Allison and told her I planned to meet up with someone. Looking
across the street, certain I’d see him there, my heart dropped. No
Luke. I was clearly losing it. The utter disappointment took me by
surprise. I realized in that moment that my reactions had betrayed
me. I’d prepared myself to say goodbye, to turn off the emotions
that swirled inside of me, but when I saw that he hadn’t shown, I
had to accept how I really felt.

I turned around to head to my car, and there he
stood, leaning against the wall of my office building. Relief set
in and I smiled, my resolution to end the relationship
forgotten.

“
Good to see you, too,” he said, opening his
arms to enfold me in his embrace.

With his scent already embedded in my consciousness,
his hug felt like home. I felt so comforted that all thoughts of
him being malevolent were gone.

“
I have something to show you,” he said,
releasing me from his hold.

“
Okay,” I said, “where to?”

“
We can walk from here,” he said, taking my
hand in his.

“
I don’t want to have to chase you down the
street—” I started to say.

“
No rush today,” he broke in. “We have all the
time in the world. By the way, you need to take tomorrow off from
work.”

“
I don’t take time off from work,” I said.
“I’ve been sent home because I was too ill, but I can’t remember a
time I called in sick. Especially not twice in one week. I left
early yesterday, so there’s no way. I can’t take a full day off
tomorrow as well.”

Even as I said it, I knew what he’d say and I knew
what I’d do. I would call in sick and I’d spend all day and night
with him if he wanted.

We strolled at a leisurely pace two blocks up from my
work, made a left down an alley, and then headed back up the next
street over to a red brick building, where we paused and
gawked.

“
What are you looking at?” I asked as I
followed his gaze to the second floor.

“
Our new place,” he said without taking his
eyes from the building.

“
What?!” I said, stepping away from
him.

Living with him … I don’t think so.

“
Let me show you around before you decide,” he
said, taking my hand, “Plus, you owe me something.” He pulled me
through the door that led to the stairwell.