*****
And I remember how fun that weekend was. The cooking seminar was brutal. The Chef said things I had never heard in my life, and even Alex shrugged a few times when I asked what the hell was going on. We did our best; though Alexander's best was way better than mine, and we learned a few neat ways to prepare everyday foods.
Overall, Alexander took the classes seriously, with little bouts of humor between us here and there, and he helped me when I burned my hand on a handle that was scorching when I lifted the pot from the grill.
He was wonderful. And the second night, we slept side by side but a little closer, until the third night we were officially spooning each other.
I remember being wrapped in his warmth and loving the feeling of it. He was warm and I was warmed by his presence.
When we drove home Sunday night, Alexander was humorous but tired. He admitted he hadn't slept well, to which I let him know I had slept very well. Smiling at me, I think he liked that response. I think he liked that I slept well in his arms, even if he didn't sleep well in the process. But when I asked why he didn't sleep, all he said was, “it's exhausting sleeping beside someone you want, when you can't have her.” And I quickly dropped the conversation.
When he dropped me off at home, he walked me up, deposited my luggage inside, gave me a spectacular kiss and left. He said he'd call me the next day, and I was relieved. I wasn't ready for a full on relationship with him, but I wasn't ready to let him go either.
CHAPTER 24
The following weekend, in the middle of May, Alexander came over on the Friday and cooked us a wonderful dinner. Everything was delicious and lovely. We were funny, okay,
he
was funny, but I got a good one in once and a while. And the evening felt light and I was happy.
I hadn't had another drink since the weekend before in Toronto, and though I still smoked like a fiend when Alexander wasn't around, I found myself smoking less and less outside on my balcony, so that it wouldn't bother him in my apartment.
After dinner, I excused myself to go have a smoke, and Alex nodded as he cleared the dishes.
Sitting on my little lawn chair, I remember how full, and good I felt. I remember the world was looking up for me. I actually felt it. I felt closer to Alex and I wanted to keep getting closer to him.
I remember turning my head and seeing him smile at me through the balcony door while I had been smiling absently looking around my balcony. I felt a little stupid sitting there with a smile on my face, but I couldn't help it. Everything felt good that night.
“I'm spending the night, Sadie. Chain smoke if you have to and take your time. Go relax in the tub if you want. Do whatever you want. Talk to me or don't. But you promised me you would try really hard, and I'm holding you to that promise. Okay?”
Shocked, I remember nodding silently.
“I'm spending the night here. But it doesn't mean anything will happen, it just means something
might
happen. Either way, I don't care. I just want to spend the night here with you. Okay?” But all I had was another nod. “Say okay, Sadie.”
“Okay,” I croaked while shaking. And then he left me alone on the balcony.
However long later, I don't know; my mind likes to remember hours passing, as the evening turned to night, Alexander walked out the door and unfolded the other lawn chair to sit beside me.
“What's going on?” He asked. But like a mute, I still had no words so I just shrugged. “How many cigarettes have you smoked?” A pack? Half a pack? I couldn't tell, so I shrugged again. “Would you like to come in? It's a little chilly out here. You could have a shower to warm yourself up?”
“Okay,” I said, practically bolting from him on the balcony. I remember diving for the door, and hitting the screen a little too hard with my forearm. I remember stumbling like an idiot trying to get away from Alexander.
Running for the shower, I grabbed a huge towel from the closet on the way, and slammed and locked my bathroom door. Running the taps, then the shower overhead, I waited for the warmth.
Once in the shower, I did my ritual. I shaved my legs and underarms, and scrubbed my body with pumice. I washed my hair and scrubbed off my makeup. Again, I was on autopilot. I remember thinking, why am I not thinking about what this means. I remember being surprised that He hadn't entered my thoughts. I remember being confused by the ease in which I was accepting this situation with Alexander.
When I cleaned between my legs, I remember thinking of my vagina. I still had hair there because He liked it, but I wondered if Alex did. I knew it was the norm now to have it bare, but I didn't think I was ready for that. Actually, I knew at the time I wasn't ready for that. But the more I obsessed with my vagina, I decided a close trim was in order. And so I did. Not quite bare but definitely much less hair, I found myself shaving for Alexander. I shaved myself for Alex instead of keeping it full for Him.
And when that strange reality hit me, I remember laughing in the shower. I remember the strange awareness of my vagina and who I was grooming for, which seemed like a good sign. If I was wanting to make Alexander happy, who was HERE, instead of for Him, who wasn't- I was pretty sure I had made the right decision.
Afterward, I learned I was in the shower for over an hour. Alexander told me that a week later. He told me he let me stay in there, but that he had paced in a frenzy in the hallway, stopping to press his ear against the door listening for a sign of anything bad. He told me the visuals of what I could be doing to myself nearly made him insane.
Alexander confessed he thought he would eventually find a bloodied mess in the shower. He told me he was scared to death that entire hour, making deals with himself that he would barge in every fifteen minutes, but then he would hear me put something down, or the shower curtain move, or he heard me laugh, and he kept himself from busting down the door. Barely.
Alexander admitted that my hour long shower, preparing myself for him, was the longest hour of his life, and he was an absolute mess while I was in my shower.
When I was finished, I brushed out my hair, scrubbed my teeth, wrapped myself in the huge towel, and then realized I didn't have any clothes with me, so I panicked some more.
I remember opening the door. I remember the steam following me into the hallway. I remember Alexander leaning against the opposite wall, and I remember his face. He was totally stressed out, I could see it.
“What's wrong?” I asked, but he didn't speak. Instead, Alex leaned toward me, looked at my arms, and then to my horror lifted my towel to my upper thighs only, thankfully, and dropped the towel with a burst of breath. And that’s when I realized he was checking me out, and he didn't trust me at all.
Offended, I whispered, “I promised to try, Alexander.”
“You're right. I'm sorry, Sadie. Please forgive me?” And I pretended that I did.
When he walked past me into the bathroom, I left him and went to my room to dress.
Looking in my drawers and closet, I realized I was at an absolute loss again. I knew what I wore for Him, but this was Alex. I knew what nightgowns He liked, but I had no idea what Alex would like. Then again, I realized I didn't think I wanted Alex to like what I was wearing because if he did, I remember thinking I was giving him permission to do whatever he wanted to me.
When I heard the shower end, I decided quickly. Jumping, I grabbed a pair of leggings and another long t-shirt. In my struggle to be quick I forgot to wear underwear, but at least I was covered by black leggings. Panicking, I threw my towel in the corner of my room and then I stood shaking not knowing what I was supposed to do.
But Alexander did.
Standing in my bedroom doorway with only a towel around his hips, Alex stared at me until I found myself covering my chest with my arms. Staring at Alexander in a towel was too much for me. Alex was tall and lean and muscular, and clearly took care of his body, unlike me. Staring at Alex made me feel weak, and little, and plain. So I lowered my head, because I couldn’t look at him anymore. Looking at Alexander was just too hard for me.
“Remove the pants, Sadie,” he said with a gentle smile, and unbelievably I did.
Standing back up, I crossed my arms over my chest again and tried to breathe. There was something entirely different about Alex in that moment. He was looking at me differently, and I felt different about him.
“Come here,” he whispered, and unbelievably I did.
When Alex turned us and sat on the edge of my bed, I remember the fear and the shaking, and the sudden
need
I felt. It was so intense for me. I actually felt the pull of need deep inside me, and in that intense moment I wanted Alex to touch me.
When he placed his hands on my hips, he squeezed gently, and then rubbed my hips as if to warm me. Looking down at him, I watched him watching me.
“Tell me to stop.” But I didn't. “Tell me when you panic, Sadie. I need to know,” he begged. But I didn't tell him I already was,
kind of.
I
was
panicking, but I was needy too. So I said nothing.
Alexander then moved his hands slowly down my hips, across my pelvis until his hands slid into the junction of my thighs, but he didn't stop there. Moving still, he stroked my inner thighs, until he stopped at my knees.
Holding onto me, he asked, “Who are you thinking about?” And I answered immediately.
“You...” I moaned.
“Tell me when you don't think of me. I want to know. Okay?” So I nodded yes.
Leaning forward, Alex made his way to my left foot, and lifted it onto the bed beside him. Quickly grabbing his shoulders for extra support, he held the back of one thigh, while his hand stayed on my foot beside him on the bed.
“Lift your shirt to your waist,” he rasped. And instantly I did.
Knowing what he was seeing, I remember wanting to flee. Knowing he could see all of me right in front of his face, I wanted to pull my foot away and retreat. Knowing he could see the scar running down my hip made me want to close down, but I didn't. Unbelievably, I stood still while he looked at my body.
“You're so beautiful, Sadie.”
But I didn't feel beautiful. I felt exposed and insecure and really quite neurotic in that moment.
“Lie down on the bed. I want to touch you a little- just a little. But you have to tell me when it's too much, okay?” And I nodded, as I pulled my leg away and turned to lie on the bed.
When Alex turned toward me and lay down next to me, I remember the feeling of fear I felt instantly. When he was leaning over me, I think wanting to kiss me, it was suddenly too much for me. Throwing my hands up from my sides, I pushed at his chest, until he moved back to my side.
And I remember almost attacking him. I remember preparing myself to fight. I remember digging my heels into my mattress for elevation and strength. I remember waiting, but he didn't move.
“Look at me, Sadie. I'm never going to hurt you, I promise,” he said as he moved slowly back toward my lips.
And when he kissed me I felt it everywhere. I felt his lips kissing my own, but my entire body felt his kiss, too. He was so good, and I loved everything about that moment with Alex.
Eventually, Alex moved a little down my body and took my nipple into his mouth. Sucking and nipping me through my shirt, I found myself lifting and arching to get him closer. I felt the moisture on my clothing, and the aching in my nipples as he switched sides. I remember I enjoyed him, and I enjoyed the sensation of being with him.
And when he eventually touched my vagina I knew it was Alexander. He was gentle and slow, and he didn't invade me quickly. He took his time working his fingers inside me. He took his time, so I knew it was him.
He didn't tear into me, and he didn't throw me into a frenzy of need. He was loving and slow and careful with my body. He was beautiful and patient. And I knew it was him with me.
I remember that moment always. It was that moment that captured me, because I knew Alexander was special.
Slowly he made his way down my body. Slowly, he continued his gentle assault within me. Slowly, he tried to please me.
When he pushed my legs apart and up, I closed my eyes and waited for the feeling I knew. I waited as he engulfed my body with his mouth and tongue. I waited, feeling his fingers and tongue try to coax a reaction out of me, but no reaction came.
I tried though.
Whispering a cool breath against my body, he asked, “Who are you thinking about?” And I told him the truth.
“You. Only you, Alex,” as he continued his slow love to my body.
Later when he reached into my bedside table, I was surprised when he pulled out a condom. Looking at me for permission I think, I nodded.
I remember thinking, when did he put them there? Maybe when I was in the shower? I didn't know. But I was surprised and distracted and I wanted to make Alexander happy, and I wasn't really panicked which was a first, and I wasn't thinking about anyone but him, so it seemed like something I could handle with Alex.
So we did.