Sitting back on my heels, I remember looking at Alexander totally embarrassed again. I certainly didn't mean to hurt him, and I never thought I would act so sexually aggressive, at least not while awake, because what I did in my sleep was different and we both knew it. I couldn't fight that need because I was sleeping, and Alexander never held it against me.
“Let me take care of you,” he said moving off the bed. But I didn't want that.
“No, it's okay. I just wanted to thank you for the beautiful necklace and I wanted you to know I wanted you even though it's been months since we were together. But I don't need to be serviced, Alex,” I said as he flinched at my poor word choice.
“I wasn't going to
service
you. I was going to be with you until you felt secure again. I want you too, but not now- not as a 10 minute quicky before I leave, and not when you're being all intense. Tomorrow night however all bets are off. We're going to make love on our wedding night, okay?” He asked trying to hide his anger. But I could see it. I had offended him and I was sorry for that.
“I didn't mean to say that. I know it's not like that with us. I'm just tired and frustrated and I like being with you. You're good for me and I know that and I wanted to show you, that's all,” I mumbled embarrassed again.
Trying to ease down the tension like he always did, Alex sat back on the bed beside me and hugged me. Wrapping me in the warmth I needed, he kissed me. Actually, he kissed the holy hell out of me, and then he leaned against my forehead and said, “Tomorrow night, Sadie. I promise to rock your world,” and I grinned. “I'll work around this huge belly of yours, and I’ll make you happy, I promise.”
“Okay. Tomorrow night. 37 hours away. I'll wait for you then. Do you think we could sneak out between the ceremony and the New Year’s reception party?”
“Yup. We can even sound believable when we say you need to go lie down for an hour because you're tired.”
“An hour?” I teased.
“An hour and a half,” he teased back.
“I'm sorry I'm so weird, Alexander.”
“I love you Sade- weirdness and all.”
“Good,” and I kissed him again. A long, deep, pull him toward me until he settled in beside me kiss. Kissing him and wrapping my leg over his hip, I remember wanting to devour him. I wanted Alexander to remember this strange morning always. I wanted him to know I was into this completely, and no longer scared or nervous, or insecure about him and our relationship. I remember wanting him to know I was into him completely, and I would try to be a really good wife for him.
“Please stop, Sade,” he groaned against my lips, and I smiled.
“Sorry...”
“I’ve got to go. I have to, or I'll do exactly what you're trying to make me do to you.”
“I triple dog dare you to do it,” I laughed as he jumped up from my bed groaning again.
I remember looking at his erection in his partially unzipped jeans and wanting it so badly. I remember staring at him as he adjusted himself and re-zipped his jeans. I remember the look on his face as he watched the look on my face.
“I hope to hell you still feel this way tomorrow. If your hormones change again and you don't want me this way, I'm going to explode, just to let you know.”
“I will,” I breathed deeply through my arousal.
“I love you, Sadie, but I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow night, okay?”
“Okay,” I said. But I couldn't hide the sadness in my voice. I remember trying, but the sadness came through anyway.
“I don't know what I'm doing today- Stag secrets and all, but I'll call you whenever I can. I know your mom is picking you up at 3:00 for your nail appointment so I'll call after that, okay?”
“Okay.”
And as he started walking back for my front door, I said the best I could under the circumstances.
“I love that you love me, Alex.”
“I love you too, Sadie,” he replied from my doorway with a beautiful smile.
And then he left me.
Alex left me, and that night the inevitable happened like I knew it would.
CHAPTER 27
He came to me.
I know in hindsight it was expected. I know in hindsight I knew it would happen. I know in hindsight it was truly inevitable.
Remembering my time with Alex earlier in the day I know I was scared of this happening. I know I knew He would come to me. I knew He would come and so I acted out with Alex.
I wanted Alexander to make love to me so that
He
couldn't. I knew He was coming for me and I wanted Alexander to be the man I was with. I know I did. And that's why I tried so hard to seduce Alex.
But I failed.
And my stranger came back to me that night.
*****
When I woke from my sleep at 2:12 in the morning, He was standing over my bed.
He was there and I knew He had come for me. He was standing over my bed and I wasn't even afraid of His sudden presence because I had known He was coming for me. I had always known He would be back for me one night, and He finally was.
I remember sitting up slowly, pulling my comforter with me until I was propped against the headboard. I remember staring at Him as He stared back at me. I remember knowing I was awake and my stranger was in front of me in my bedroom where Alexander should be. I knew He was there and I hated Him for coming back for me.
“Don't,” I said into the silence of my room. But He moved closer anyway. “Please, don't. I don't want you anymore. I don’t know if I ever really did. I just didn't know any better back then. I was young and confused and you messed with my head then.”
But He ignored me and sat on the end of my bed, even as I pulled my legs up close to my chest to protect Alexander's baby from Him.
And when He suddenly lunged at me, I tried. I moved as best as I could but He was so much bigger and stronger than me. He easily held me still. He easily held my wrists above my head as He forced His mouth onto mine.
Fighting and turning my head frantically, I tried to use my feet against the mattress to give me leverage. I tried to fight, but the baby was getting in the way. I tried to fight until He crushed Himself against my stomach to flatten me to the bed. He crushed Alexander's baby, and I was afraid... So I stopped fighting.
I remember I stopped fighting, instantly. I gave up and I gave in. I did nothing in that moment, so He would get off the baby.
When He grabbed my face with a hand, I used my free hand to scratch His face hard. I used it quickly to hit His face until He grabbed my hand again, pushed more weight on the baby and put both my wrists into His left hand. Using His free hand He pushed down hard in the middle of my stomach until I stilled again totally panicked and in pain.
And I remember being shocked that He would use the baby as the means to still me. I remember thinking He wasn't the same. I remember being stunned that He seemed so vicious to me, because those weren't the memories I always had of Him.
To me He had always been a glorious lover who loved me. My soul mate. My life.
So I didn't fight Him anymore, but I cried.
When He grabbed my face hard again, I let Him. I stayed still as He forced a kiss from me. I kept my mouth still but I didn't fight Him, and eventually He lifted some of His weight off my stomach.
Kissing me, He was ruthless. Biting and sucking, He made my lips bleed as I stayed still beneath Him. I was still but He remained ruthless, even as I cried.
When He moved down my body, I remember thinking I would have my chance to fight. Because I did want to fight, I really did. I remember thinking of Alexander and the life he was going to give me and I wanted to fight the stranger because this wasn't the life I wanted anymore.
With Alex I woke to a reality I had never known. Alexander HAD changed me, and I wanted my life with Alex now. I realized in that moment that I was different and it was Alexander who I wanted in my life. So I told Him.
“I don't want you anymore, I really don't. You mean nothing to me anymore. You are nothing but a nightmare to me now.” But He didn't care.
Moving down my body He slowly released my hands as He stared at my face, but before I could try to fight Him, He placed a hand firmly in the middle of my stomach again with force. He pushed His hand down and I understood the threat. I knew in that instant that He would hurt my baby if I fought Him, so I stilled again, even as I cried.
Lifting my hips He settled my legs over His shoulders as He made His way down my bed. Quickly holding my stomach again, He lifted my t-shirt and to my horror, He took me with His mouth like He used to.
And I honestly felt nothing. I lied there hearing Him suck and lick at me as I cried. I listened to the sounds He made with repulsion. I listened but laid perfectly still to His moans as He tried to devour my lifeless body.
But I didn't move and I didn't react. I lay silently crying and deathly still with the weight of His hand on my stomach keeping me immobile.
And I remember lying there thinking of anything but what was happening to my body. I remember thinking of walking down the aisle to Alexander Hamilton. I remember thinking of Alexander's mouth on me. I remember thinking of Alexander's kisses, and his hands, and his body deep inside me. I remember thinking of how few times I was able to enjoy him before we couldn't any longer with the pregnancy. And I remember thinking of how long it would be until I could have Alexander deep inside me again. I thought of Alexander for the first time with my stranger.
Through all the dreams of my stranger, Alexander was just the prop I used to get me off. Alexander was the tool I used when I dreamt of my stranger making love to me. Alex serviced me while I thought of, and craved, and
needed
my stranger.
And I remember that moment of clarity.
I thought of Alexander... and everything changed for me.
Arching into Alex, I felt him lap me up. I felt him impale me and suck me and tease me with his tongue. I arched into him as I cried out with my need. I ached for more and I demanded it.
Begging and fighting, I took his face into me until the need grew and I stiffened with my impending release.
Holding him tightly to my body, I screamed out when he impaled me hard and fast with his fingers. Screaming for Alexander, I shuddered my release into his mouth. Frantic with my need I twisted and turned my body to him as he thrust into me quickly from behind.
Collapsing onto my shoulder my free hand rubbed and teased my body as he took me as hard as I demanded. Feeling Alexander bruise my hips with his hands ramped me up higher as I rubbed myself frantically. I needed and I took, fucking Alex as hard and as fast as I could.
And when I felt Alexander bite my shoulder, I arched into the pain and screamed for him in my sudden release.
“We were born for each other,” he groaned into my soul.
“I know!” I screamed through my frenzy.
“You are mine.”
“Always…” I cried.
The orgasm that took me suddenly was blinding. In a flash, I remember knowing my absolute reality. I loved Alexander. He was my soul mate and my love.
In that moment of divine clarity when I was left hanging between my orgasm and my death, I knew the life I wanted. I knew who I loved. And I knew He was gone.
“I love you,” I cried out to Alex in the chaos of my room.
In my post-orgasmic haze, as I collapsed on my side, I was done.
As I fell into unconsciousness I promised myself I would never ache again. I knew I would never have to wait again, because Alexander was always going to be there waiting for me to need him.
I was going to be Sadie Hamilton, a wife and mother, and I decided I would never wait again.
And I tried.
CHAPTER 28
We were married later that day on New Year’s Eve, just like Mary and Mrs. Hamilton chose, and it was beautiful. The night was cold but so clear we all saw stars through the glass ceiling of the hotel banquet center where we had our reception.
And Alex and the ceremony were perfect. He was gorgeous in his tux, and so charming and funny that by the end of the ceremony he had everyone half in love with him, including me.
His vows were long and loving and so specific to our reality, I choked up. And though I failed miserably trying to recite my own less beautiful, less loving vows, Alex didn't seem to care. Smiling, he prompted to me to finish my slaughtered vows so he could kiss me. He even said as much to me during the ceremony to everyone's humor.
And I laughed.
When we were formally announced as husband and wife, Alex finally kissed me deep and long, until his annoying brother cleared his throat and nudged us, again to the humor of all in attendance.
And that was it.
Alexander and I greeted way too many guests I did and didn't know, and we had our photos taken, and we waited out the crowd until we could disappear upstairs to the room waiting for us between the ceremony and reception. And we had exactly an hour and a half as he had planned.
When Alex attempted to lift me over the threshold of our room, we both burst out laughing when he feigned a back injury, but he lifted me anyway and deposited me in the middle of the room as I waited.