My Friend Leonard (23 page)

 

T
he phone rings I pick it up Leonard speaks.

MY SON MY SON MY SON.

I laugh.

Hi, Leonard.

How you doing?

I'm good. You?

I'm very upset with myself.

Why?

I forgot to give you the secret.

What secret?

The secret to kicking ass in dumbshit Hollywood.

You know it?

Of course I fucking know it.

I laugh again.

What is it?

Be bold.

Be bold.

But not bold, be fucking
BOLD.

Okay.

Every time you meet someone, make a fucking impression. Make them think you're the hottest shit in the world. Make them think they're gonna lose their job if they don't give you one. Look 'em in the eye, and never look away. Be confident and calm, be fucking bold.

That sounds more like the secret to kicking ass in life.

It is, but I was gonna wait and tell you that some other time.

 

L
iza and her friend Mitch find a play they want to make into a short film. They ask if I want to direct it I say yes. Liza convinces the famous director she works for to fund half of it, her friend Mitch convinces the famous producer he works for to fund the other half of it. I'm not sure I'm a director, I have no real experience with actors and don't really know how a camera works, but I pretend to be one, and pretending seems to be all that matters in Hollywood. Pretend to be something, be convincing, and people will treat you differently, as if you actually are what you are pretending to be. It's a game, embarrassing and fake, but it is a means to an end here, so I play the game, and I quickly learn that I play it pretty well.

Tommy and Jaylen decide they're going to be deejay partners. They pool all of their money and they buy two turntables, a sound system and several crates of records. They stop working, spend all of their time smoking weed and spinning records.

Cassius grows and grows and grows. At four months he weighs thirty pounds at five he weighs forty at six he weighs fifty. The weight is all muscle. His coordination lags behind his growth so he stumbles and trips and seems confused by his own size.

I start to sleep again. I get used to going to bed without the rumbling and shaking of the El train.

I go to meetings with development executives. I go to meetings with agents. Development executives are people who read scripts, hire writers to write or re-write scripts, agents are the people who arrange for the jobs and negotiate the deals. The meetings are general meetings, which means we say hello, nice to meet you, they tell me they've heard great things about me, I tell them the same thing, and we spend the next hour kissing each other's asses. I try to make an impression with everyone I meet
follow Leonard's advice speak simply and directly and look everyone in the eye. Part of me hates going to the meetings they're fake and stupid and I feel insecure after each of them, part of me knows I need to and I have to if I want to work and make money. Part of me is happy that I'm doing something other than making deliveries, working a bullshit job or going for walks. It feels good to actually do something.

Tommy and Jaylen start throwing parties at our house. They set up the turntables in our living room and charge ten dollars to walk in the door. The parties start at midnight and end sometime near dawn. The parties keep me awake, I can't fucking sleep.

 

W
e finish the movie. Liza and Mitch want to have a screening and a party. The studio where they work has a theater they convince the man who runs it to let us use it.

I tell my parents, who I talk to once a week or so, they want to come to the screening. I tell Leonard he wants to come to the screening. Liza and Mitch send out invitations they say there's going to be a crowd of people at the screening, actors and directors and writers and agents and managers and producers. Most of them, Liza tells me, will be coming to see if they like my movie and want to work with me. I ask her how they know about me she tells me that she and Mitch have big mouths. I thank her, thank him. The days leading up to the screening drag I'm nervous. If it goes well I'll get work, if it goes poorly I'll be forgotten. I feel good about the movie but I also know that it's not going to change the world. If I fail, I fail. I've been through worse.

My parents arrive. They recently moved from Tokyo to Singapore, the trip to Los Angeles took twenty-six hours. I pick them up at the airport they're tired. I tell them I'll take them to their hotel they want to see where I live. I tell them I'll take them to their hotel. On our way we talk I ask them how the adjustment to Singapore has been, my Mom says it's a much easier place to live than Japan, everyone speaks English and they don't hate foreigners, my Dad says it's no different for him, an office is an office. They ask about Los Angeles I tell them it's fine I'm getting used to it, they ask about my friends here, they know them from before, I tell them they'll see my friends tonight. It's good to see my parents, it's easier than I expected it might be with them. Our relationship has been strained and difficult for most of my life, now it gets better and more healthy each time I see them. I know they love me they always have, I know they want the best for me they have always tried. It's good to have them here.

I drop them off at the hotel. I go home smoke cigarettes listen to Tommy and Jaylen practice, they sound worse than when they started, none of the beats match, the transitions from song to song are obvious and clunky. Time is slow as it always is when I want it to be fast I have nothing to do but wait. I sit in my room can't think or talk on the phone because of the noise, if I make some money because of this movie I'm going to buy a bomb and blow those motherfucking turntables to bits.

I take a shower put on some nice clothing, the same clothing I used to wear when I was working for Leonard and was pretending to be a commuter. I laugh at the clothes they're dusty from lack of use I brush them off. I leave the house drive to the hotel pick up my parents. We drive to the studio, pull up to the gate, our names are on the proper list, the guard waves us through.

We park start heading toward the theater my Mom and Dad look around as we walk. Studios are large bland ugly places. The one we are on consists of a couple hundred acres of land dotted with what look like airplane hangars, a few simple office buildings built to look like houses, and a big, ugly, black tower. There is an amusement park attached to the studio where tourists pay for the privilege to be driven around the studio in long funny buses that look like giant golf carts. There are trucks and trailers parked outside of the hangars, casually dressed young people walk, ride bikes or drive golf carts, they all look like they're in a hurry. The tourists all stare at them, hope one of them is a star that they recognize from TV or the movies, my Mom asks where all the stars are, I tell her I don't know I've never seen one. My Dad asks what everyone is doing I say most of them are pretending to be busy so they don't get fired.

We get to the theater Liza and Mitch are standing outside. I introduce them to my parents, I take my parents inside and find them seats. People are starting to arrive I'm too nervous to sit down, I find Liza we walk around the back of the theater and smoke cigarettes. Five minutes before the screening is supposed to start we walk back to the front. There is a small crowd of people at the entrance, a few that I know, most I have never seen. Liza goes to talk to Mitch, I stand at the edge of the crowd wait for everyone to go inside, when they do I follow them. I stand at the door, wait for the lights to go out. I don't want anyone to see me I'm
nervous, much more self-conscious than I expected to be. When the lights are out and just before the movie starts I slip in walk to the back row sit down.

I don't watch the movie, I watch people watching the movie. I watch their reactions, hope for laughs when laughs are supposed to come, hope to move them when I want to move them, hope I make them happy sad curious hopeful. The reactions are fine, not great not bad, though I doubt anything aside from being carried out on the shoulders of a cheering audience would have made me happy.

The movie ends the crowd claps. I stay in my seat in the back row while people file out of the theater. When they're gone and I am alone, I stand and I walk out. My parents, Liza, Leonard and a blond woman with Leonard are waiting for me. They all hug me congratulate me tell me it went great, tell me they're proud of me.

We walk to the party, which is at a nearby restaurant. As we walk, I meet the woman with Leonard, her name is Betty. She's tall, thin, probably in her forties but looks younger, she's wearing an expensive white silk suit and large diamond studs in her ears and a Cartier watch. I shake her hand it's soft, she smiles easily and often.

We arrive at the party. It's crowded Leonard finds a table for himself and Betty and my parents. I walk around thank people for coming. Occasionally I stop by the table I hear bits and pieces of conversation. I hear Leonard talking to my parents he says I see him every week he's doing great. I hear him say I'm legit now, no more danger, no more illegality, I'm one hundred percent legit. I hear him say to my father I have a bunch of idiots working for me, complete and total idiots. I hear him say it'll be great, I'll pay you a fortune, a fortune, and you can live wherever you want, anywhere in the world. I watch my parents and Leonard and Betty from across the room. Leonard and my father look like they're engaged in a serious conversation, my mom and Betty are laughing and smiling. It's strange to see, my mom and dad and my criminal friend from rehab and his girlfriend sitting at a table together. Fucking strange.

At the end of the night I have a stack of business cards, people who said great work give me a call maybe we can do something together. My jaw hurts I'm not used to talking so much, I don't like talking so much. I'm
glad this is over it seems to have been a success. I find Liza and Mitch and I thank them, thank them, thank them. I find my parents and Leonard tell them it's time to go we leave.

We walk to the cars we are all parked in the same place. I thank Leonard for coming he tells me he's proud of me. I tell Betty it was nice to meet her, that I hope we see each other again, she says the same thing to me. They get in Leonard's car and drive away. My Parents and I get in my car, I start driving them to their hotel. My father speaks.

Your friend Leonard is an interesting fellow.

Yeah, but you knew that already.

You know what he was talking to me about?

I'm scared to ask.

My mom starts laughing.

What's so funny, Mom?

She shakes her head, giggles.

What'd he say?

He wants me to come work for him.

I laugh, speak.

What's he want you to do?

Work for his
phone
company.

I laugh again.

You gonna do it?

I'm actually tempted.

No way.

My Mom speaks.

You should have heard his offer.

An offer you couldn't refuse?

My Dad laughs, speaks.

He said he stopped making those.

Yeah. So what was it?

A huge amount of money for six to twelve months of work.

Really?

My mom speaks.

It was a crazy amount of money.

Why only six to twelve months?

My Dad speaks.

He wouldn't say.

What would you do?

He wouldn't say that either.

Did he say anything?

That he needed someone he could trust who was outside of his organization and had extensive international business experience.

That's weird.

My mom speaks.

He's not exactly normal, James.

I chuckle.

Yeah.

I drop them off at their hotel. Leonard calls my Dad again the next day, says he would really love my Dad to reconsider his offer. My Dad says no thank you, Leonard, though I appreciate you thinking about me. I spend the next two days with my parents. We go to the beach, walk around Beverly Hills, eat at nice restaurants. I take them to my house when Jaylen and Tommy aren't there, they both think it sucks, when they say it I laugh. It's a good two days, it gets better with them every time we see each other. I take them to the airport my Mom cries tells me how proud of me she is, my Dad tells me to keep it up.

 

I
call the people who gave me their business cards. Some of them take my calls some of them don't, some of them say they liked the movie, some of them dance around saying anything about the movie.

Tommy and Jaylen run low on funds can't afford weed anymore so they start growing it in our backyard.

Leonard cancels our Wednesday lunch once twice three straight times. He doesn't tell me why, just calls and says he can't make it.

I send my script to a dozen people two dozen people. I call them, follow up with them, a few of them like it, a few of them don't like it, nothing happens either way.

Cassius keeps growing it's shocking how fast he's growing. He still goes everywhere with me rides shotgun in the truck sleeps in my bed. Though he now looks like a large menacing pitbull he is a baby baby baby. He loves to give kisses, play tug-of-war, chase a ball, he'll do anything for a treat he's a huge musclebound baby.

I take a job working as a production assistant. It's shitty work I drive around all day running errands for an asshole director who thinks he's saving the world with a shaving cream commercial.

Leonard cancels a fourth time, fifth time, sixth time. I wonder if something bad is happening or if he's just busy when I ask him he says he can't talk about it yet, he'll tell me when he can.

Tommy and Jaylen start selling the weed they're growing they figure it's easier than working. Our phone rings constantly there is a steady stream of people in and out of the house dull-eyed, slow-speaking, potato-chip-eating people.

A producer calls he read my script says he loves it. I've heard this before heard producers say they love it and I never hear from them again. I ask him if he's going to blow smoke up my ass or actually do something, he says he wants to buy it and make it. I ask him how much he gives me a number I say fucking sold, my friend, it is all yours.

Cassius and I move out.