My Heart Can't Tell You No (38 page)

Joe looked at Lew to see him watching with a carefulness hidden behind his smile. “Well, let’s go. It’s past breakfast. You know Maddie, if she don’t get her morning coffee, she’s like a bear.”

When they entered the Intensive Care Unit Joe looked around nervously. The unit held ten glass cubicles on one side, ten more on the opposite side. A searching glance found Sarah, leaning close to a bed and talking. Lew’s body hid the rest of the bed from Joe’s view.

“Come on, Maddie, aren’t you going to wake up for me?” Sarah’s voice was quiet in consideration of the other patients, but demanding enough to try to capture her daughter’s attention.

Joe walked into the room behind Lew. As he stepped up along side the older man, Joe’s throat constricted when he saw her. Her face was almost as pale as the sheets, only the darkness of her hair, the stitches in her upper forehead and a large purplish bruise on her face contrasted with the whiteness. The hospital gown she was wearing was mint green, the same color as the oxygen mask on her face. The tubes attached to her limbs were different though, one infusing blood products and the other normal saline. Her hands were limp and small as Sarah held one of them. She looked so pale; so tiny; so helpless. Joe felt as helpless as she looked. His hand went to the table at the side of the bed, his breathing forced and uneven as he looked down at her.

“You supposed to be trying to get her up?” Lew received an affirmative nod from Sarah before he reached down to Maddie’s foot beneath the blanket and shook it slightly. “Wake the hell up, Brat! What do ya think you’re doing loafing like this? There’s hogs to be fed, and they won’t wait.”

There was a slight movement of Maddie’s eyes beneath her lids, then an even slighter movement of her brows before they lowered and came together, showing the pain she was feeling when she tried to come back to them.

“Can she hear us?” Joe asked.

“Not really, not so far anyway,” Sarah answered.

“How long have you been trying to get her awake?”

“The doctors came in and checked on her shortly after the last visiting period. They said it may take a while before she comes out of it. They think its looking very good now, that it wouldn’t hurt to talk to her; it might actually help,” Sarah told him.

“What have you been telling her?” Joe wanted to know if Sarah had told her of her husband’s death and the birth of their child.

“Little things, like I love her, and Jackie’s at home waiting for her, and if she doesn’t get up for school soon, I’ll send Jack up with a pot of cold water to get her up.”

“That’s getting your point across, Sarah,” Lew chuckled.

Slowly, Sarah got to her feet, showing Joe the fatigue that was flowing over her. When she slipped her hand from beneath Maddie’s, Maddie groaned so quietly it was barely audible and her thumb jerked a fraction, making Sarah look down at her with concern.

“She knows you’re here,” Joe told her, his eyes staying on Maddie’s face. “She wants you to hold her hand.”

“Joey,” Sarah whispered quietly as she held onto her daughter’s hand and looked over at him, “come take her hand for a few minutes. I can’t stay here much longer. I’m getting so stiff I can hardly move, and I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Yeah, me too. You sit down with her, Joe. I’ll be back later,” Lew said, then took his sister’s arm and escorted her from the room, stopping briefly at the nurse’s station on the way.

Joe stood motionless for a moment, then slowly moved to the chair. His hand went to the smaller one, lifting it as he leaned his elbows on the bed. His throat was tight as he looked down at her, bringing his voice out in a hoarse whisper.

“Maddie, you’ve got to come out of this for us. You’ve got two sons who need you. I need you, Maddie. You’ve got to wake up.”

But she remained motionless, lifeless as he spoke. Holding her hand, clinging to life with her, he felt that if he held tight nothing could come to steal her away. He didn’t realize how long he was with her, willing her strength, as he watched her pale features. His mind wasn’t capable of keeping track of time as he looked at her, only able to know she needed him there, and that he wasn’t going to let her down this time.

“Joey. Maybe you should go for some lunch,” Sarah said from the doorway. He looked at her strangely. He knew he had stayed longer than the regular fifteen minutes, but it couldn’t be time for lunch yet. “It’s twelve-thirty.”

He looked up at the clock, then back to Sarah, slowly rising to his feet and hesitantly removing his hand from Maddie’s. “I thought John said you were the only one allowed in here longer than fifteen minutes.”

“They want her awake now. We can be in around the clock; one at a time. I was just down to see the baby. He’s gaining ground quickly; I think he’ll be here for a while. He seems so small for seven months—but then I’m used to my three boys, born at nine and ten pounds, and Maddie’s first born at eight pounds. Four and a half pounds makes me worry. I guess he’ll be all right though. Do you want to go down and look at him?”

“Am I allowed to?”

“I think they’ll let you in. I told them these are special circumstances. But go eat first. You can come back later.”

He went back to the waiting room, where he found John and Beth with some coffee and sandwiches. Lew sat in one of the chairs, holding onto his cane as it was propped between his legs. He glanced around for Tom, but he was gone.

“Here, sit down. We have some coffee and sandwiches for you.” John pointed to the small box on a table. “We figured you wouldn’t go down for anything.”

“I lost track of the time,” he said simply, taking the cup and sandwich Beth handed him.

The sandwich didn’t have much flavor. He welcomed the coffee with a bit more interest, but the caffeine wasn’t working to keep him awake. After the coffee was gone he leaned back to rest his eyes. He didn’t wake up until nearly five-thirty.

The next two days were spent much the same as the first, Sarah staying at her daughter’s side during the afternoon and early evening hours, Joe staying with her throughout the night and morning, sleeping in the waiting room while Sarah was with her. John and Beth alternated visits with Jack and Lew, since Tom had chosen to stay home and take care of Jackie. They all knew Tom couldn’t bear seeing the sister he had introduced to Bruno the Christmas Elf looking so broken and frail.

The fourth morning Joe was feeling sore and weary. He hadn’t bathed since he had left his apartment, and his beard was dark and approaching half an inch. The doctors said she was doing better but still in danger as long as she wasn’t waking.

“You look like hell, Irish.” John entered the room behind him. “And I must say, old buddy, you could use a bath.”

“That bad, huh?” Joe smiled up at him, his fatigue showing around his eyes; yet still he refused to let go of Maddie’s hand.

“Well, I can still stand being in the same room with you.” John moved closer to the bed, looking down at his baby sister. “Did you ever imagine while we were over in Nam watching guys getting their brains blown onto their buddy’s clothes, we’d make it home just to watch her like this?”

“No.”

John leaned over the other side of the bed, only a foot away from his sister. “Maddie! Get the hell up! It snowed last night and the driveway needs to be shoveled!!”

“You do it, John. I’m tired.” It was quiet and hoarse, but both men heard it.

“Maddie?! Maddie?!” Joe was on his feet, his hands on her face, then he glanced up at John. “Go get Mom.”

Joe called to her over and over, but she didn’t respond. Finally Sarah, Jack and Lew returned, Jack taking the place his son as occupied while Sarah moved next to Joe.

“
Maddie
!! You getting up today?!!” Jack’s voice boomed.

“No.” The word came out, but her eyes remained closed.

“Maddie, come on honey, get up now.” Sarah spoke next, picking up the hand Joe had released.

But it was no use, she had gone under again. They each tried calling her back to them, until Sarah finally sat down and looked at the others.

“Joey, it may be a little while before she comes out of it, but it looks like it’s going to be soon. Why don’t you go home and take a shower and shave? You don’t want her waking up and seeing you like that, do you? It’d scare her half to death.”

“No, I want to stay here.”

“Get going, Irish. A few more days like this and they’ll have to fumigate,” Lew told him.

“Lew!” Sarah scolded, then smiled back at Joe. “No, it isn’t that bad. But I think you better go get some rest and take a shower. You’ll feel better.”

Joe left, going back to the Baker house, too tired to drive back north to his apartment. When he got there he found Tom at the stove, frying up some hamburgers while Jackie watched
Sesame
Street
.

“You look like hell,” said Tom as he put the burgers on buns.

“So I’ve heard.” Joe responded without enthusiasm.

“You want one? I was just fixing one for me and the kid. There’s more if ya want.”

“No, but I’ll take some coffee and a shower.”

“There’s a fresh pot of coffee, and you know where the shower is.”

Joe poured himself a cup then went toward the bathroom. “Tom, if I wash my clothes, can you throw them in the dryer when they’re done? I’m going to get some sleep when I’m done in here, and I need you to get me up after about an hour or two.”

Joe woke up to darkness as he quickly turned to look at the clock. It was seven-thirty at night. He jumped up and found his clothes folded on a pile on the bureau. He dressed then went downstairs to find Jack and Tom.

“Why didn’t you get me up?” asked Joe as he hurriedly pulled on his jacket and grabbed the mug of coffee Tom poured when he saw him.

“I tried—several times. I figured you needed the sleep or you would have got up.”

“Was there any change?” Joe asked Jack.

“She woke up about an hour after you left. She’s been in and out of it all day. But that’s probably from the drugs.”

Joe wasted no time heading for the hospital again. He found Sarah in Maddie’s room, watching television.

“Sorry, I’m so late. I fell asleep,” Joe apologized.

“It’s okay. She’s been asleep now for about an hour, but, if you talk to her, she wakes up.”

“Maddie?” He moved closer to the bed, this time his voice slowly opened her eyes.

“Joe.” Her voice was weak, but there were traces of a smile.

He sat on the mattress next to her, taking her hand in his and pulling it up to kiss her fingers, relief flooding through him as he sighed heavily. “How do you feel?”

“
Hurt
. Sleepy.” Her eyes closed again, her fingers gently curling around his palm as she moved her head to a more comfortable position, her brows moving together from the pain it caused. “Joe. The baby.”

“What?” He leaned closer to hear her.

“The baby.”

“The baby’s going to be all right. You have another son, Maddie. Do you understand?”

“He’s all right. Joe, I’m so sleepy.”

He held her hand as she drifted back to sleep—watching her and feeling as if he could finally breathe again. Maddie was all right. They let her sleep the rest of the night.

The next morning Sarah was in with Maddie before Joe. When he came back to her room, Maddie was staring at the wall, her head turned from her mother. He stood outside, leaning against the wall; listening without being seen.

“You’re telling me, it’s been five days and he still hasn’t been buried? Where is he?” Maddie’s voice shook.

“Down home, in that hospital. We didn’t know where you wanted him sent. We didn’t know if you wanted to wait to have the funeral, so you could attend.”

“I won’t be able to make the arrangements myself, Mom. Can you help?”

“Just tell me how you want it, and I’ll make the arrangements for you.”

“Mom.” Maddie’s voice lost all of its strength, bringing Sarah to her feet and moving her to the bed. Maddie moved until her head was pressed against her mother’s shoulder, her arms wrapping around her for some of the strength her mother was willing to share. “I did love him, Mom. Dammit, why did it have to happen like that? He didn’t deserve it. He drank because he couldn’t take it anymore. Mom, I did love him.”

Joe stepped into the doorway watching as Maddie cried against her mother’s shoulder. Slowly the sobbing subsided, leaving her in that emotionless state again as she leaned back against the pillow.

“Sometimes, Maddie, too much love can destroy. Just like not enough. Now you’ve got to go on. You’ve made your first decision about the funeral. It’s a start. Your sons are next. One’s at home waiting for you, the other is three floors below, waiting for you.”

“Who does he look like? John again?” Maddie wiped at her eyes with a weak smile.

“Your baby looks exactly like his father.” Sarah stood up and moved a few feet from the bed.

“No Mom—he . . . .”

“Maddie. He looks exactly like his father.” Sarah looked up at the doorway. “Joey, come in. I didn’t see you there.”

Joe might have entered the room, but Maddie’s expression stopped him. Instead, he stood still, looking at her as she glared back at him.