My Jim (5 page)

I goes to touch his forehead and he grab my hand. Put his teeth on it and bite down hard. I aint dares scream but now my eyes on fire.

I grabs hold the bottle and throws some whiskey on him. He cry out in pain. Howl just like he human but I knows better. Devil gonna howl if you get the best of him. I puts the bottle to his mouth and pours it down his throat.

When the old woman come back she find me sitting in her chair. She see that something wrong but she look down. She got the water and some soap powder and paste. She carrying the fresh linen on her head. Her head slump down. I tells her put it all on the bureau.

I gots my hand in my pocket. Touching my knife.

I takes the water and dips a cloth in it. I presses it in my hands and dips it again. Whole time Mas Stevens staring at me. He looking at his teeth marks on my hand. He reach out and try to touch it. I pulls away. I cleans my wound fore I cleans his.

I tells the old woman to bring me some snakeroot.

How much you want.

Plenty to fill my bowl I says.

She make her way down the stairs.

You aint gonna poison me you black witch. What you need snakeroot for Mas Stevens say.

I makes you a salve with snakeroot to help bring the skin back together.

I wants to see everything you making he say. I aint gonna take nothing from your hand.

Why you call for me then I says.

I aint calls for no slave doctor he say. Mas Watson send you cause he aint want me to die. He like having me next door. I worth more than any overseer to him. His slaves fat and happy next to mine. He aint even got to tell you niggers he gonna sell you down river. All he got to say he gonna sell you to me. He try to laugh but he just hack.

Mas Watson a good Christian he say. Praying for the devil. Think the devil got a soul. What you think.

I says I aint studying no devil. But if I ever does I sure aint gonna pray he live. I prays he choke to death on his own venom.

He make a whistling sound when he laugh. You betta make sure the Lord hear your prayers he say. Cause if that devil live you aint want to be nowhere round.

I looks away when he say that. I gots Mamas knife in my pocket and I puts my fingers on it. That old woman aint come back and I stands there thinking I be done with him fore she do. Fixing to cut him cross the tongue. Gonna grab his nose with my hand and when he open his mouth gonna slash him real quick. I tries my best to save him I tells anybody want to know. I tries but it too late. Mas choke on his own blood.

I aint even scared bout going to jail. I cant believes a soul in the whole of Marion County gonna miss Mas Stevens. They just divide up his farm like they do when one of them die. Take it for scraps. And everybody be better off.

I gots the knife in my hand when the old woman come back with the snakeroot. She staring at me like she seen a ghost. You watch me I says as I takes a root from her hand. I cuts the root this way. Then I puts it in the water. Then I mixes in some mint to cool it off. You watch what I does. Stir that round with some sycamore bark. Cap full of whiskey. Drop of the patients blood.

She jump when I calls Mas Stevens my patient. Like I the one rule over him. Just for that moment I feels I does rule over him. Cause I the one that let him live. I could of cut him with her there. What she gonna say. She look at the floor and let me do what I wants.

I feels like one of them slaves aint got no better sense than to kill they mas. Thats how mad Mas Stevens make me. He one of them white folks aint got a soul. No light in his eyes. His house all close up too. All stale and dark. I wants to finish him off but he put something on me. I can hardly moves my hands. My fingers aching and stiff. Aint know what evil he put on me.

I takes the cloth and squeezes it out real slow. Then I dips it in the water and lays it over his wound. I takes another cloth and puts it on his face. Whole time my hand shaking with pain. And him looking up at me.

I wraps the geranium powder and the wilted burr seed leaves inside the milky dough.

I aint gonna take nothing from you he say.

I just puts the poultice on him and makes the snakeroot tea. All the while I aint says a word to him.

He call the old woman to give him his tea. He make her taste it first.

Be sure he drink it all I tells her. He got to drink it all for it to work proper. And it aint gonna work less you put in a drop of his blood.

Mas Stevens grab my arm and pull my face down close to his. This time he dont spit but just put his breath on me. You black bitch. He look at me hard like he seeing me for the first time. Red eyes all aglow. Dont you tell nobody what you seen he say.

I turns to the old woman and learns her how to pack the wound with hemp cloth and dress it with cotton batting. I tells her to watch for any sign of green or if the red get any bigger. When I goes out that room I gots a chill running from one end of my body to the other. I cant walks good. They got to cart me home in the back of a wagon.

Cora cant find nothing wrong with me. I just lays on the floor in the cabin too tired to move. After a day she try to rouse me. She kick me but I cant moves. Next thing she try throwing cold water on me. I laying there in my filth. I aint feels nothing.

At night I hears folks talking. She cure the white they say but cant cure her ownself.

After a few days Mas Watson call in the white doctor. He feel round under my dress and say aint nothing wrong. She just aint want to work. You need to give her the hickory cure he say. By that he mean the switch. They can switch me all they want but I aint gonna feel it. When Mas Stevens look at me I knows myself a dead thing. Aint no use in me getting up no more. I fears for the children I aint yet birth.

I only gets up to help Emma with her babies. I goes to where Cora sit with Emmas head in her lap. Emma laying on the floor with her water all broke. I sees the babies feet. First one then the other. I tugs on them. They dead those babies both of them. All blue. Emma wail like theys no tomorrow but I wonders why she crying. Mas Watson sore bout it too. I glad for them.

After that I starts to change. I thinks bout killing all the time. When I goes to help birth the babies I thinks of taking they cords and strangling them with it. Aint no more slaves need to be born.

Mama learn me what plants stop the babies coming.

Why you aint stop me I asks.

I tries to she say. I drinks the snakeroot tea and I rubs my parts with spiceberry oil. But you want to come real bad. Aint nothing can stop you.

One Sunday I in the woods when I sees them patrollers with one of Mas Stevens niggers. They running him behind a horse. I spects he the one stab Mas Stevens and run off to the woods. Somebody stab him and it must of been a nigger cause he aint call for the white doctor. He aint want the white folks to know he been stab by one of his own. Mas Watson think he got kick by a horse.

I feels sorry for that nigger cause I know they aint finish with him. First his overseer Banes then Mas Stevens hisself. They gonna beat him till there aint nothing more of him. He gonna rise up like smoke and they gonna beat him down again. They gonna hang him from a tree by the side of the road so all us slaves can see what happen to a nigger aint got no more sense than to stab his mas.

This knife old and rusty now. I use to think its my freedom. If I ever gets myself in a real tight bind I always gots my knife. But lifes a real tight bind and aint no easy way out. Every time hard luck happen to me I thinks it can be worse. I aint never understands I been living the worst of it all my life.

Everything I tells you happen long ago. Me I remembers it just like this morning. You want to know bout my things and why I keeps them close to me. I tells you if you listen.

No need to write it down.

Hat

Was the hat got me. Snuck up without me paying no mind. I smells somebody near. Figures its one of them smokehouse boys. Smell like crush bitter root. Old turnip greens.

He know me fore I knows him. I working in the packhouse bent over a pile of tobacco leaf when he come up behind me and squeeze my neck. I turns so fast my elbow catch his chin.

He howl a bit. I thinks he fooling but then I sees he got a fresh wound on his chin. You been in a fight. Somebody done cut you I says.

Piece of limestone done it he say. They got me working the pit when it slow on the docks. Them stone workers all the time want to fight. They want a fight I gives them one. Me and them dock workers we whips them good.

You sitting up on them docks drinking corn licker. Make you want to fight.

He give me his smile and I knows him then. A foot taller and a yard wider. Every bit a man now. I still thinking he my little brother. But he a man now and he got a hat.

White mans hat. Hat like a bowl. Brown with a yellow sash. No hat for a nigger. Not a free colored either. I wants to say take off that hat fore they catch you boy. But he so beautiful I aint gots no words for it. Me already grown but him still growing. I aint wants nothing to do with him.

Where you find that hat I says. I believes he stole it off a dead man or kill somebody and take it. When I studies a man I wonders who he kill to get what he got. I sees Jim in that hat with his head so high. Maybe they coming for him. I looks down the road but I aint sees horses and I aint hears dogs. And him just standing there smiling like he know better.

I buys this hat with my own money he say real proud.

Then you a fool I says. You need to save your money to buy your freedom.

I wants to look spectable.

You a spectacle all right. You think white folks gonna respect you cause you got a pretty hat on your head. Hat like that aint spose to be wore with no bare feet.

He laugh.

What you doing back this way I says. Aint no holiday.

I comes back to stay.

Then you best start sorting this tobacco I says. We aint spose to be talking in here. Tailor catch you he whip you.

I aint scared of Tailor he say. Miss Watson call me back.

What she want with you.

She want me to drive her to town. I gonna drive Miss wherever she want to go. And when she aint want to go nowhere I works in the fields. Right next to my sweet Sadie.

You sure thats all she want.

Everybody say Miss Watson take Jim so she can play with him. I aint never asks him. But I knows theys children forced to please they mas or miss. Jim aint never tell me.

He come up behind me and put his arms round my middle. Rest his head on my back. Kiss me on the back of my neck.

I throws him off.

I aint never loves no man. I aint never loves my father. No man done ever treat me gentle. I stays away from them. I dont wants they babies.

I already stops three babies from coming. I gives birth to them when they aint nothing but tiny gourds. All wrinkles and twists. I dont loves the mens who give them to me. But I cant protects my ownself in the fields. Any man want to come up behind me aint nothing I does can stop him. Mas want all the babies. Thats how he number his riches.

I tries to fight them at first. I bites they hands that cover my mouth. I kicks they legs out. But that aint stop them from coming at me.

Tailor act like he aint see none of it. He still sore bout the time I pulls my knife on him.

Jim aint know all that. He look at me and see something he want. And I wants him too. I wants his hat. But I aint wants his babies.

I needs a place to sleep he say.

You got friends. Go sleep with them.

Aint gots friends round here no more. My friends all down on the riverfront.

I sees he sad from missing his life in town. I missing my life too. Time he leave my life fall down.

He laugh when I throws him off.

Inside I so glad he come back. Glad he come back to me. But I scared to show it. They might take him away again.

He take me walking that night. I can smells the tobacco flowers. He look pretty with moonlight shining on his cheek. I sees him that way still. A old woman me and him still a young man. Moonlight shining on his cheek.

From that day on I never sees him without that hat. When Miss Watson be mad at him and send him to the field he never take it off. Tailor knock it off. Jim put it back on. Tailor whip him over that hat but he put it back on. He think he too good for us the others say. He think he cant be whip cause he belong to Miss Watson.

The days he with her I dont sees him much. When he in the fields I sees him with his crew but I scared to look. Scared he wont be there when I looks again.

I sees him at night. Sometimes we goes courting in the woods. One night we stays till morning. Come back cover in blackberry juice. He gonna carry me off to freedom he say and never let me go. He sleeping with me and everybody know it. The other mens leave me lone.

We stays with Cora and the babies. We gots to be real quiet. Since Cora cant see hardly nothing she hear every little thing.

At first I lets him kiss me. I aint sleeps with nobody since Mama die. Since Mas sell my friend Gwen. It feel good having somebody warm gainst me. And his hands strong and hard like mine. He rub my shoulders and loose the sore of the fields. I finds myself getting ornery when he smile at another gal.

You been kissing gals at the docks I says.

He laugh.

You been kissing white gals I says.

Gal so white she might be white he say. Cant know for sure.

I aint wants you kissing me no more I says. You gonna leave me for some yellow gal.

I aint gonna leave you for nobody. You the only one I wants to kiss.

He sound real serious.

Tell me bout the other gals I says.

He lay back with his hands behind his head. Let me see he say.

Theys a gal come to market every day for her mistress. If she find me there she kiss me. From the time I just a boy she looking for me. I aint likes her at first and the other boys tease me. But when I gets a little older I starts looking for her too. She wear a hat that gal. Straw with a fat green ribbon. Her mistress give it to her one Christmas.

He lay real still.

One day not long ago I seen her boarding a steamer he say. Chain round her leg. Belly big with child. They say she throw herself in the river fore they make Cairo. They say she big with a baby for her mas. Her mistress done sell her away.

I aint wants to hear no more I says. We holds hands and he fall asleep. Take me a long time to sleep. I thinking on that gal. I thinks on her a long time fore I falls asleep. I wakes up in a sweat.

I looks at Jim still sleeping. In my heart I binds to him. He sleeping sound but I with that gal. I gets up and walks outside. I takes in the night sky and thinks bout her. I thinks bout her baby. If they spirits free. If they still in the river or already come back.

His hands hard but his face soft. I wants him all day. When I sorts the tobacco when I sings when I eats when I gets up in the morning when the sun beat down on my neck when my fingers ache with the long day. But I stays away from him. When he come to sleep I turns away. He ask whats vexing me but I shamed to say it. I scared to love anyone. Everybody I ever loves been taken from me.

One night he aint come.

I cant sleeps that night. The babies up crying and me up crying with them. Cora say hush. Got to be a fool crying bout some man she say. Aint I learns you better than that. He out having his fun. Why he want to be in here with you when you aint even talk to him. In my heart I knows she right. But I too scared to say my truth.

When I sees him the next morning he got a feather in his hat.

I gots my knife in my hand.

He aint never look at me. Just come in put his sack down and pick up one them babies. He hold it close to him and sing.

Why you crying little baby. Your mama aint in the fields. This Sunday morning and she gonna come see you.

He rock it like that and sing. He looking at me from the corner where he standing. I sees him looking at my knife. He keep rocking and singing. Knife shaking in my hand. I puts it in my pocket.

I takes you on a Sunday walk he say. Come walk with me in the woods and tell me what you know.

I takes hold the broom. I gonna sweep him out the place. But I sees Cora listening for my answer.

I gots to sweep the yard I says.

You aint got to do nothing gal.

Cora grab the broom from my hand. You go on and see what that fella want.

She take the baby. I does what she say.

We walks to the dancing place. Ashes from the fire still hot.

Last night folks come from all the farms round and some from town Jim say. They want to know what Jim see. I says I sees we gonna be free. And you should see how them people dance. You should of seen us slaves dancing. Mas Watson take the drum away but he cant stop us dancing. We drums with anything we finds.

He please with hisself. I looks at that place and feels how much I miss dancing. Aint been here but once since Mama die. Since I starts working cures. I scared somebody might try and put something on me.

Last time I comes a woman call me out my name. She say I puts something on her man. I aint wants your man I tells her. But she put something on me anyway.

After that I cant lifts myself off my pallet. She put some heaviness on me. Most the time I looks out for myself and nobody can put nothing on me. But that night I been dancing and not paying nobody no mind. Thats when she got me good.

Cora say she my half sister thats why she aint like me. Cause her daddy same as my daddy. Cora fix me up with somebody know a cure. Till this day I never knows what that woman put on me.

That morning with Jim my apron catch on a bramble bush. Jim tease he might as well leave me there with the snakes and the chiggers. Right then we hears a whippoorwill scream. The sound never scare me fore that day but now I plenty scared. Jim take me in his arms and lift me gently off the bush. That sound make me shiver.

Whats wrong with my Sadie. He press me tight.

What you doing here last night. Why you leave me to come here.

I comes here cause folks want me to tell them what I sees.

You aint loss your sight to the river.

For a little while. But now it strong again.

What you see then. I wants to know.

I sees you gonna marry me.

He get a big grin on his face. I laughs. He look hurt.

You hardly grown I says.

Fellas my age already papas. How old I gots to be.

I aint having no babies I says. I aint needs to marry.

You got some other fella you love more than me.

I shakes my head.

Then marry me Sadie. I makes you happy.

What Miss Watson gonna say.

She aint gonna say nothing.

Aint you still belong to her.

I aint belongs to nobody.

Nobody but me.

Thats right.

You know it then.

I knows it fore I comes back. I seen it. I seen you pushing my breath into me when I first comes to my mama.

That aint me. Thats Cora.

I seen you.

From then on I belongs to him. He the one love me so he the one own me. His love good like my mamas. I aint miss her so much now I gots my Jim.

We goes to the woods every Saturday night. Everybody know Jim a seer and folks be waiting for him to come. He look at them real good and say what he see. Maybe he see love. Or maybe he see sickness. Maybe he see a baby or a baby return. Sometime he see somebody gonna be sold away and the people wail cause they aint want what he see. So he tell them they going somewhere better. Or they aint got to worry cause they all be sold together. One time Jim tell a fella he gonna make plenty money to buy hisself and his mama. Jump real high that fella. Kick his feet in the air.

During that time Miss Watsons sister marry behind Mas Watsons back. Man name of Douglas. They living on a hill above town. He got a big place rich in niggers. Folks say they got to get marry thats why they set it up. Old Miss real happy but Mas look sad to lose his daughter. She the one he love.

Miss Watson aint take no fella at all. She stand in the window and look out at the niggers working the fields.

Summer after that Old Miss die. She go to town to visit her new grandbaby and come back carrying the measles. I gives her syrup made from butterfly weed and pepper but she tired and she already turn away from life. They bury her under the sugarberry tree. Grandbaby die too. They bury him next to her.

Now just Miss Watson and her daddy. Mas aint come out the house for a week. Miss come out in a white robe and walk to Lovers Leap to meet Jesus. She climb up there with a bunch of other fool whites so they can fly to heaven. Who knows what happen to the rest of them but she come home alone.

Me and Jim together a lot that fall. Us niggers aint gots to work so hard with Mas grieving. Emma lead the songs and we gets in the harvest. We works and smokes. After the harvest Tailor go to town to see his wife. Nobody tell us nothing.