My Jim (8 page)

I thinks of my children and I shamed. All they got to eat is cornmeal. Anything else got to come from our garden. Mas work us so hard we barely gots time to work for ourselves. I gives my children turnip root and turnip greens. They find berries. Lizbeth catch a fish. But all the time we looking for meat. Mas dont let us keep guns to hunt. And he dont let us keep pigs and chickens. Any meat on the place his. Last nigger kill a chicken had to eat it while it still warm. Head first. Feathers and all.

I looks for the one eye woman I seen when I first comes to Mas Stevens place. I aint sees her nowheres. I figures she long dead. She nothing but bones then. Now I twice as old so she must be twice as dead.

Us slaves from Mas Watsons place works faster and better than the others. But soon we starts to slow down. The work the same but aint nothing to eat. The children so hungry they cry all the time. Then they stop crying altogether. Just moan and bite they lips.

First week on the place Tailor run off. Say he aint gonna work for Mas Stevens and he sure aint gonna work for Banes. He gone a long time fore they find him. When they bring him out the woods he got a wild look in his eye. Banes put him in the stock and whip him till he dead. Even the white folks say Mas Stevens crazy. Killing a nigger he can sell for good money.

I longs for Jim but I aint wants Mas Stevens to catch sight of him. He better off with Miss Watson. She see the value in him. Mas Stevens see the man. He got to beat Jim down till he a boy. Aint no mens work for Mas Stevens. I scared he gonna kill Jim if he come round. Just like he let Banes kill Tailor.

But Jim aint scared. He come to me one night skin all shiny with sweat. He been running like he running from ghosts.

Where Fortune he say.

She sleeping with Mas. Only time she aint sleeping with Mas when she having his baby.

Miss Watson at a camp meeting he say. All the whites over at the camp meeting. Even Mas Stevens. All the good Christian whites and the bad ones too. Some the niggers even there. Hearing bout not sparing the rod. He laugh.

Got his hat in his hand. Inside he got the ball of a ox. Say he come cross the ox in the bramble. He recognize it as Mas Watsons ox. Mas Stevens done half starve it. Jim say if he aint come cross it the ox bleed to death since one of his balls hanging off his hind. Jim take his knife and cut it free. Quick cut to stop the blood. Mud to cover the wound. Then he get a stick and beat the ox back to the farm. But first he let it feed on dandelion greens.

He want me to take the ball and cook it on the fire. If he eat it he get the strength of ten mens.

I aint cooking nothing tonight I says. Cant you see the children already asleep. What you think the smell of meat gonna do to them. Fore you know it Jonnie gonna be shouting bout his daddy home. And Banes gonna come over here with his whip. You hush now and lay down.

I makes him a little pallet next to mine but I aint wants him to touch me. It might hurt too much. Weeks now I aint feels his touch. Cant stands to feel him for a night then not find him in the morning.

He honor my wishes but I sees he sad. When he go to leave I holds onto him. I fears he aint coming back so I starts to cry. Jim say he better go fore they miss him at the camp meeting.

He come three more times. Each time he bring us some meat. He blow on the children and wake them up right fore he leave. I opens to him again. I weak and I opens. He hold me like he carrying a seedling. I cries cause I knows I cant keeps him.

For a long time I aint seen him. Every night I listens for his whistle. One night my soul heavy like the day he born. I sees his mama and my mama too. I thinks of his cord underneath that white oak. I sees my hand cutting his cord with my mamas knife. I hides my face.

It raining heavy but I knows in my bones Jim coming to me. I sends the children to sleep with Emma. They dont needs to hear the things men and women do when they long for what they cant keep.

Jim come to me with a five cent piece round his neck. Say he took it from some white boys to keep the devil at bay. Say the devil roaming all round Hannibal looking to snatch a nigger like him and sell him down the river. But that coin he tie round his neck gonna keep him tied to them boys in town. So he cant never be sold away from here.

I needs you for my old age I says. Me and the children needs you.

He aint going nowhere he tell me. You got something belong to somebody else they aint gonna let you go till they get it back. Thats why I gots this five cent piece round my neck.

You got my heart belong to me I says.

You aint never gonna lose me he say.

You love that hat more than you love me I says. You sooner part with me than that hat.

He laugh his good strong laugh. I scared one of Mas Stevens niggers might hear us. Then he kiss me and I aint thinking bout them.

If you love me you leave me that hat.

He look at me all serious. That hat aint nothing to me he say. He grab it and run out the door into the rain. Come back with it full up with water. Trying to hold it so he aint spill none but water spilling all over the clean dirt floor.

Now I the one laughing. I aint asks you for no water I says.

But you need some he say. Sitting up in here all hot and bother in front this fire like you aint got no time for your husband. He sure to be beat for coming to see you and you act like he a man free to come and go as he please.

He pull me down to him. But the more he touch me the more I cries. After awhile he fall sleep. I stays awake watching the fire burn itself out.

When the fire go out I gets up and feels for his hat. I all the way wakes him fore the bell sound and fore I light the morning fire. But this time I cant stands to think of him gone and me with nothing of his smell. I takes his hat and cuts a little piece off it with my knife. A three point piece.

I gets the fire going again and lays back down. Fore I knows it the bell ringing. I wakes up in a fright. Jim still at my side.

Banes waiting for him this time. He tie Jim hisself. Jim aint fight.

Jonnie run out into the yard. He going straight for his daddy. I pulls him back and holds him close to me.

What you niggers looking at Banes say. Go on to the fields fore I beats you all.

I makes Lizbeth and Jonnie walk in front of me.

Banes want to hurt him. Say they aint many stripes on Jims back. If you was my nigger I just as soon kill you he say. We hears the whip breaking but we keeps walking.

We aint sees or hears nothing of Jim after that.

Every day I worries more. My chest hurt I so lonely for him. The children grow weak cause they aint got they daddy to bring them meat.

One morning Emma wake me up to tell me Jim run off. At first I aint believes it. I knows my Jim. He aint gonna run without coming for me and the children. But Emma say he done run off without us.

Him and me we talks bout running the last time we together. Cant leaves the children with Mas Stevens we says. No telling what gonna happen to them. Jonnie just a little boy but Lizbeth already with the womens. They plenty old to run. So I knows it aint true that Jim gone off without us.

I aint believe it till the patrollers come round. They got they dogs and they looking for Jim.

He been here aint he.

I aint seen him I says.

They throw me on the ground in front of my children.

You lying nigger.

They take out the whip.

I gots nothing to tell you.

They start hitting me.

It raining that day too. Been raining a long time. Round the cabins aint nothing but mud. I laying face down in the mud and the mud feel cool gainst my skin. I thinks of myself face down in the river. Swallow up by them muddy waters.

Jonnie screaming. He grab hold to Emma. I cant sees Lizbeth. She hiding like I all the way tells her to.

They put the dogs on me. They barking and sniffing. I can sees they gums. I covers my head. I cant hears nothing cept the barking in my ears.

Then the gun go off. The patrollers call the dogs back. Mas Stevens come see whats going on.

You leave my nigger lone he say. I takes care of her.

He stamp his cane on the ground.

Two niggers pick me up and drag me to the packhouse. Quiet in there. The tobacco still low in the fields and everything just watching and waiting. They tie me up with a looping stick under my knees.

My arms pull back behind me. My bones stretch long like the limbs on a sycamore. Lord I be pain. And what they doing with my children.

I tries to sleep but its hard to let myself fall away. I thinks I aint never gonna come back. I close my eyes when I cant keeps them open but I aint knows sleep. My throat so parched I cant cries out if I wants to. The blood from the beating sticking to my back. The mud still on my face. I tries to hold on cause I cant leaves my children. Not like this. I wants them to see me strong again.

Days fore they lets me out the packhouse. When they open the door they find me pass out.

I comes to in the fields. I scared they already find Jim. And they taking me out so I can sees his shame.

But nobody say nothing bout Jim. They let me out to tend the crop.

My dress stick to my back with blood. My arms aching bout to fall off. Banes push me to go faster. He say I aint seen nothing yet. Lizbeth come with some water. I bends down and I cant gets up. She look at me all sorrowful. She dip her finger in the water and put it to my lips. I casts my eyes down so she know to turn away fore Banes come after her.

That night she put the grease on me and pull the dress off my back. I too weak to scream. It hurt my daughter to see me this way. What kind of life she gonna face now her daddy gone.

I dreams bout dogs. In my dreams I sees Jim running from dogs. He in the woods falling over branches and roots. He falling trying to find his way to the river. He swim the river. The river pull him down and wash him up on one of them islands. The hunters and woodcutters come after him. I wakes up in a sweat with them dogs at my heels.

Jonnie sleeping in the corner. He shaking with a chill so I covers him with my quilt. He stop talking Jonnie. The patrollers been round again. They scare him so bad he cant speak. Like they done cut the tongue out his mouth. Lizbeth aint speak much anymore. So I got two children quiet like the moon. Quiet and hungry like the moon.

Raining again. Maybe they aint find my Jim cause of the rains. I thinks of him with his hat on his head. Or maybe he take it off and use it to catch rainwater. Long as I can thinks of him in that hat I believes he safe and on his way to freedom.

So when they find his hat floating in the river I knows my Jim really dead. Hat cover in mud from the river. Little piece missing.

Jims hat floating in the Mississippi. Thats all the proof anybody need. That nigger drown hisself. Nigger never without his hat. Sooner or later his head gonna come looking for it.

Bowl

See this mark. You can feel it with your fingers. Fore this bowl broke thats the Congo cross. Not a Christian cross. A Congo cross. One line up to the gods one line down to the ancestors in the spirit world. One line over for this life right now and this death too. A circle tying it all together.

My mamas mama a healer. She the first doctor in the family this side the water. When my grandmama give my mama this bowl she know the power in it.

Time they find Jims hat I still gots my bowl. I goes to the woods for some bloodroot. I makes the children eat the seeds. Then I eats whats left. Now that Jim gone Lizbeth and Jonnie all I owns in the world. Something happen to them aint no reason to go on. I scared Mas split us up as punishment. I waits till they finds the body. Then I knows what to do.

Body never come. Not Jims body or the white boys. White folks say Jim must of killed that boy since they both gone missing at the same time. But I knows Jim aint kill no boy less he got good cause. Jim fond of them boys. They pay him in coins and marbles when he tell them what he see.

Nigger under a spell. Thats what the white folks say. That doctoring witch put that nigger under a spell. He a good nigger fore he met up with her. I scared what they gonna do to me.

When Mas hear tell of Jims drowning he come looking for me. He gonna whip me hisself. He call all the slaves in from the fields to watch. He tell Banes to strip me down to my waist. Then they tie my arms to a tree. Not round the tree like usual but over my head. He want me to face him.

Some the womens start to making noises. Mas say they better stop clicking they tongues if they know whats good for them.

He want me to beg him for mercy. He can kill me right there. I just aint wants my children to see it. So after awhile I says please Mas believe me. I tells Jim not to run off. I tries to keep him.

That afternoon Emma tend to me. I tells her to make me a balm from the inside bark of a sycamore. Dress my wounds and lay some tobacco leaves cross my chest. Boil me a blackberry tonic. Emma do everything I says.

Fortune over in the corner moaning. Her pains got her scared this time. I tells Emma to give Fortune some milkweed to make her breathing right. I tells Lizbeth bring my bowl and crush me up some mint.

I wants none of your cure Fortune say. Folks aint want to touch nothing you touch.

None of Mas Stevens slaves trust us come from Mas Watsons. But if we can helps them they work it out of us Now they scared. Just like the white folks. I looks at Emma She shaking her head.

Fortune dont survive that baby. Baby take all the breath out of her. Mas give the baby to Emma and tell her to nurse it till he can sell it.

After that Mas Stevens take him a wife. She aint no more than a child. Indian child he call Flesh. Folks say he done stole her off the prairie. She cant talk his language and he make fun of her when she talk her own. I feels sorry for her Everything Mas Stevens got he done stole.

One day Flesh come to the cabins. I sees the marks on her face where Mas Stevens done beat her.

She got in her hand some leaves. They dry and gray like ash. Where you get them Miss I says. Her eyes full of water and I knows them leaves from wherever she from. She poin to my bowl. She want me to take them and pound up a cure She want me to put them in my bowl and give them back they power.

I cant helps you Miss I tells her. I aint knows them leaves. You got to hold them in your hands and talk to them in they language. Thats when they give up they secrets.

She press the leaves to her cheek.

A few weeks later Mas take Flesh to town and leave her there. He dont want her no more. I never hears what come of her. Maybe she dead. Maybe she walk home.

After that Mas turn his eye on me. He think up reasons to get me in the house. Take these sheets and wash them he say. I dont wants no trace of that Indian nigger in my house.

I does what he say. Then I goes to the fields.

One night I finds a dead bird in front my cabin. I stands in the yard and calls out my enemies. Nobody come.

Next day Mas ride up on his horse while we topping the tobacco. He tell Banes to work us harder. Then he turn to me.

You cook Sadie dont you.

I keeps my eyes on the ground.

That Fortune dont know bout cooking. And I cant stomach no Indian food. Come cook me some nigger greens Sadie.

I knows nothing bout cooking Mas.

Sure you do. You a doctoring nigger aint you. Come cook me a remedy.

I stays still.

Everybody looking at us. Mas mad now. He tell Banes to take his rope and tie me to one end of it. All the time Banes tying Mas talking.

Maybe theys a little meat in it for you. Your children can use some meat Sadie. And the niggers need they mush.

He run me behind his horse. When we gets to the kitchen he throw me in with the pots and say make the niggers they mush.

I aint cooking without no food I says.

What you think you got in them sacks nigger.

I aint sees nothing but cornmeal Mas. Us niggers we tired of cornmeal.

He strike the bench with his cane.

You gonna eat what I gives you he say.

But I aint gonna cook it I says. I wants to go back to the fields.

We looking at each other now. He gone dark red. I knows he want to kill me right then. But he dont. He just laugh at me.

What you gonna cook then.

You got a garden full of greens I says. We aint hardly gots no greens. And you got all them pigs. Every day we tends them pigs but you aint feed us no pork no ham no bacon no fatback. You sell all them pigs fore you kill one for your niggers.

He turn and leave. I looks for something to steal. But I scared he gonna catch me.

His boots muddy and his face more red. He come back carrying a baby pig by its feet. Pig squealing something awful. He throw it on the block and quick as lightning grab a butcher knife and chop off its head. Blood squirt everywhere staining his pants and the front of my dress.

He cuss and drop the knife.

I puts the water to boil.

For supper the niggers get hog maws and greens but all of them scared to touch the food. They looking at me all curious. They looking at the food like I done put something in it. When they sees my children and Emma eating hunger start talking to they fear. Soon the juice running down they lips.

From then on I cooks. When I aint cooking I works longside the others. Mas got me making him bacon and eggs every morning. He got me making him biscuits and gravy. He say I can puts some bacon crumbs in the mush and a hambone in the greens. But he aint want his niggers getting fat.

I aint wants them to think I good as Mas Watson he say.

I aint says nothing.

We coming on harvest time. Mas Stevens sell one of Fortunes children and use the money to hire harvest workers. They all big and strong black men. We looking better now but we still skinny as all getout. I aint spect any of them working men gonna look twice at one of Mas Stevens gals. But one of them take a interest in me. Fella name of Nate. He take pleasure in my cooking.

Sadie sure know how to take a little bit of nothing and turn it into something he say.

He work hard but I all the way feels his eyes on me. Sun too hot to think bout nothing.

Once the harvest done and the curing fires burning I asks Mas can I makes a little something extra for the workers. He say make the niggers some biscuits and gravy. He gonna send one of the children to help. He send my Lizbeth.

I aint sees my children much then. When they daddy run off Mas punish us by moving Lizbeth and Jonnie to different cabins. I gots the cabin to myself. After Fortune die they move another gal in there to spy on me. But she move herself out.

I longs for my children. When I sees Lizbeth standing fore me I starts to weep. She put her hand on me. I pats her hair. We works without a word.

Folks almost happy that night. They make a big fire in the yard. The hired men dance. The rest of us too tired and sore to dance. Banes somewhere getting drunk. Mas too. For one night we feels ourselves.

Nate come upon me resting outside my cabin smoking my pipe.

How come you aint with the others he want to know.

They scared of me I says. Scared of the conjure woman.

You aint no conjure woman he say real quiet. You a healer. I hears bout your powers way downriver.

I looks at him. How you know bout me.

Want to walk he say.

I gets up and we goes down to the fields. Moon still bright in the sky. The fields clean and all bare.

When we far away from the cabins Nate turn to me and take my hand. Sadie he say and just look at me.

Your Jim aint dead.

My heart fall down my body.

What you telling me I says.

He look round to make sure nobody near. I seen your Jim he say. He alive as me.

I starts to shake and he take me in his arms. He whisper in my ear.

I comes from down Arkansas way. White folks down there makes a big fight and leave some of them dead. Cant afford to keep all of us after that so they hires out some of us men. I tries to get myself hire onto a farm up this way. Jim give me your name and the name of Mas Stevens. He tell me bout Lizbeth and Jonnie too. It take me awhile but I finds my way here.

How Jim look I asks.

He fine Nate say. Hungry but we feeds him. Traveling with a skinny white boy.

He working I asks.

He hiding Nate say. He tell me he aint belong to the boy. If white folks catch him they send him back to his miss and she sell him down the river. Thats why he run off he say. Cause his miss bout to sell him downriver.

Now I knows why he leave. I cries to hear his name.

Once he get hisself free he coming back for you and the children Nate say. You wait on him. He gonna come. You aint got to worry none.

That night I glad to be lone with nobody to tell my heart to. I lies a long time awake and then I cries myself to sleep.

When Mas come home in the morning he wander over to my cabin. He knock on the door with his cane and wake me up. Fore I can lifts myself off the floor he come at me. Fall down on top of me. I just lays there. He too drunk to do anything. I takes all my strength and rolls him off me. He stumble up. Kick the door open with his boot.

I gets up and stands in the door. I sees some the others standing in they doors watching. They looks at me and click they tongues.

I keeps myself to myself. Takes my mamas knife and that little piece of Jims hat and puts them in my pocket for protection. I knows my husbands alive. But I aint wants nobody else to know.

That day Banes aint ring the bell for work. In the quarters we all lays low. No sign of Mas after he leave my cabin. Folks say Banes been in a fight. He cut up bad. We all waits to hear.

Mas ring the bell bout noon. He mad when he aint seen his niggers clearing the fields. He call me away from the others.

You come on in here and fix my breakfast.

I makes his eggs. I fries him up some bacon. I starts on the cornmeal mush. Whole time Mas looking at me. My back turned but I feels his eyes on me. Every time I turns round I catches him looking at me. Licking his lips.

He come at me. He back me into a corner and he take me.

After that aint nothing I can do to stop him from coming at me. One day I takes a piece of wood and dip it in the fire. I holds it up in front of me like he the devil. He take his cane and knock it out my hand. He stamp the fire with his boot. Then he take me.

I aint never tells nobody how bad I feels. Who I gonna tell. Fall coming on. I aint seen Jim in a season. Spring when he leave me. But I knows he aint dead. Lord I prays every night he come for us soon.

When Mas come to take me I fights him. Every time he come at me I fights him. I aint belongs to him. I belongs to my Jim. Mas try to break me but he cant. He know he can take me but he cant ever own me. Thats when he turn to my daughter.

Lizbeth cant hear but she see everything. One Sunday I catches her wearing a ribbon in her hair.

Where you get that ribbon from.

She look at the house.

Mas give you this ribbon.

She say yes.

Take it out your hair.

But I likes it Mama.

I slaps her hard.

She put her head down. I throws the ribbon in the fire and walks over to the house.

Mas sitting on the porch smoking his cigar.

What you want gal.

Why you give my Lizbeth a ribbon.

She like the bright color.

You stay away from my daughter.

He sit up real straight.

Nothing here belong to you he say. Not even your daughter. Now you on back to the cabins fore I calls Banes to set you straight.

I runs back to the cabins. I takes Lizbeth by the hand and we goes to the woods. I shows her the plants make a person sick. This one give you stomach pains. This one make you dizzy. I puts them in her hands.

Next day when I comes in out the fields to cook Mas his breakfast he say Sadie where your daughter. He order me bring her to him. I acts like I cant hears him.

He say Sadie you can use some help in the kitchen. Bring your Lizbeth in here.