My Once and Future Love (31 page)

Shut up
.

You’re the one afraid to leave the
bathroom.

I’m not listening…

Two hours later, it’d been quiet for a while
and my tears had all run out. I risked peeking out the door and
discovered the lights were off and he was asleep. The girl wasn’t
there. Carrying my clothes, I started to tiptoe to the sitting
room, then I stopped.

I threw my brush at him. It landed with a
smack on his bare chest.

“What the fuck?” He sat up and blinked in the
darkness. “Beth?”

“Don’t ‘Beth’ me.”

He rubbed his chest where I hit him. “What
time is it?”

“Two in the morning. Where’d you find the
bimbo?”

His eyes widened. “You saw her leave?”

“No, I heard you screwing like bunnies. Look,
who you put your dick into is your business, but you bring a girl
back with you on this tour again and I walk.”

“You’re under contract.”

“With a morality clause that states if I’m
unhappy with activities you engage in like prostitution, drugs,
alcohol, etcetera, I’m free to resign with a nice severance.” Take
that, you bastard.

“She wasn’t a hooker.”

“Fine, a
groupie
. I don’t care, Jacob.
You forgot we share this suite, I was stuck in the bathroom, and it
was humiliating.”

“Why were you still in the loo?”

“I fell asleep in the tub, but that’s not
important--”

He turned the bedside lamp on. “My God, Beth,
you could’ve drowned!”

“Preferable to listening to you banging some
floozy! What if she’s one of those crazy fans that is going to
stalk you now, huh?”

“I…I didn’t think of that.”

“Well, I have to. According to your manager,
your reputation is in my hands. If I keep a tight leash, it’s
because it’s necessary.”

“I’m sorry, Beth. It won’t happen again.”

“Thank you.” I retrieved my brush. “Sleep.
You have a busy day tomorrow.”

I left the bedroom, closed the door, and
cried all over again.

****

He didn’t fall asleep again ‘til after she
did. She tried to be quiet, but he heard her cry.

Why would she of all people be in tears? He
never hurt her, had been nothing but kind the whole trip.
She
dumped
him
—he had every right to date again, or
even just have a little fun.

Bringing Beth on tour was a bad idea. It was
just…instead of seeing the old Bethie in that market, he found a
shadow of the girl. Seeing her on hard times didn’t bring the
feeling of pleasure he thought it would these years alone. He
wanted to help.

Instead he caused her pain, something so
unexpected he was thrown, and didn’t know where to go from
here.

Why the bloody hell did he still care?

A part of him still loved her, that’s why. He
knew it the night he saw her again and felt it for sure, now. He
couldn’t trust her with his heart again, but he couldn’t bear
seeing her in pain, either, especially if he was at fault. At the
very least, he was insensitive tonight.

The morning was very awkward. Beth was even
further detached and the camaraderie they’d started to build was
gone. He tried to apologize again, but every time he started to
speak she found an excuse to walk away.

****

We tried being normal in front of the guys,
but I wasn’t sure we were fooling anyone. When Bob asked to talk to
me privately, I knew we weren’t.

“Spill.”

“It’s private, Bob.”

He loomed over me. “I don’t care. It’s
affecting how he works.”

“Oh, it’s affecting
him
. How awful.
You don’t know, okay?”

“What happened, Beth?”

“He upset me, I told him, and he apologized.
It’s fine,” I said, glaring up at him.

“Like hell. He looks at you like a scolded
puppy. Fix it.”

Sure, take his side. “
I
didn’t do
anything
wrong
.”

“Then make him smile again, I don’t care
what, but he’s not focused.”

“I can’t control his thoughts, Bob. Talk to
him yourself.” I walked away. I didn’t have the time.

“I will,” he yelled.

I don’t know if they had a heart-to-heart or
not, but Jacob was back to his usual self in a few days. I hadn’t
expected him to mope for long, anyway. That would imply remorse,
and he didn’t do guilt.

The tour continued.

Putting more distance between me and my ex
was the only way I could cope.

I was PA Robot Beth. I didn’t joke with him,
tease him, or treat him in any way but as my boss. He didn’t
comment or ask me why, and I was grateful. Surviving two more
months in close quarters with him wasn’t something I was sure I
could do now.

Hearing him with another woman brought back
the memory of that voice in his apartment telling me he was in the
shower, the devastation I felt, and led to thinking about other
things going on at that time. I woke up crying from nightmares
about his betrayal or my mother dying every night. They happened so
many times in a row, I lost count.

****

Doors on the bus weren’t as soundproof as
Beth thought. They heard her at night, and after the third
nightmare in a row, Dylan asked Jacob if he knew what was wrong. He
didn’t know what she dreamt about, of course, but he told his mates
to make her job easy as possible for a while, hoping it was
temporary.

She wouldn’t talk to him, so it was all he
could do.

Only person she still smiled for was Reggie,
head of Jacob’s gig security. Reggie was a solid bloke, old enough
to have a wife and kids back home, and a giant. He took a fatherly
interest in anyone he liked and one of those people was Beth. Jacob
hoped they’d chat about what was bothering her before the tour was
over or this relationship wasn’t going to work.

****

New Year’s Eve 2007

His publicist approached me. “Miss Lawson, I
have a new task for you.”

“What’s up?”

She handed me a digital camera. “We’re adding
a message board to the official site and we want you to moderate
it. Choose an anonymous name. Take pictures of the rest of the tour
that would be appropriate to put on the Web.”

“Shouldn’t you have a site admin on that full
time?”

“Oh, the technical side is handled. We need
someone we can trust to interact with the fans and tell us what
they say. Thanks, doll. You’re a peach. See you back in L.A.!” She
ran off to party with people more important than me.

As if I didn’t have a full schedule
already…Lynn the Publicist was going to kill me.

It’d been several years since I held a
camera, but thankfully the little digital point-and-shoot didn’t
resemble mine or my mother’s at all, so I took photos with a
clinical detachment. Some were during concerts, some backstage, and
a few funny ones on the bus. Posting from my laptop was easy enough
and the exclusives for the fan club were a huge hit.

European fans started begging for concerts
thanks to the coverage on the fan sites, especially the official
band page. I had private admin access to moderate the threads and
posted the photos as Tour Spy, the forum member with bogus details
in her profile and a constantly changing IP. They loved me and I
had hundreds of young women and teens sucking up to me for more
info.

We got a new driver for January. The bus
company liked to rotate them to minimize fatigue. Bus Driver John
said he’d be back for the last leg of the tour. I liked him better
than the new guy, who smelled funny.

Jacob was right about the guys being a good
bunch. Once Dylan got used to me, he started to open up, and we
found we had some of the same taste in books. Bob was coarse, but
harmless, and a hard worker. Mikey was the laid-back one and the
easiest to ask to do something. And Aaron…well, now I knew what
having an annoying little brother would’ve been like. He was a good
kid, though, just really needed to mature a few years.

The tour finished a rousing success. Lynn was
so impressed; she wanted Jacob to do a live Q&A on the site
when we got back, with me as the interviewer.

“I can’t type for crap, Beth. It took me
hours of proofreading to get through uni. I try to communicate in
live time, they’re going to think I’m an idiot who can’t
spell.”

“Don’t be such a baby. I’m posting your
answers. All you have to do is sit there and talk.”

“Oh.”

“Trust me, huh? Your career is in safe
hands.” I had incentive until my debts were paid.

We had so many hits to the website that day,
they almost crashed the server. The tech admin and I decided to
post a pre-written Q&A every month that would be on a static
page. I’d hand pick the questions, and Jacob could answer them when
he had time. The interaction with the fans made them adore him
more.

****

The band performed at the Grammy Awards.
Jacob was nominated for Best New Artist, two less nods than the
AMA’s in November. His publicist walked the red carpet with the
band due to me having a twisted ankle.

There was a pretty girl on his arm. They kept
smiling at each other, and he stopped to whisper in her ear every
so often as they walked down the carpet. I recognized her as the
girl from the recent video shoot, Calandra. Guess the chemistry
wasn’t just for the camera.

He was interviewed by nearly every
correspondent down the line, and photos of him were all over Getty
Images the next day. He made the best dressed list on
Entertainment Tonight
, too. There was speculation on the
internet by morning of whether he and his date were just together
for the night, or a new item.

Lynn sent me an e-mail about getting him to
the
InStyle
Oscar Viewing Party now he was a hot item. A
courier arrived with his tickets and my access badge, and a stylist
came to the house to fit him for a designer suit. It was my first
time shadowing him on a red carpet.

“Couldn’t she get me into the
Vanity
Fair
After Party?”

“I don’t know, Jacob.” I worked on my laptop
while he was being fitted. “Are you taking Calandra?”

“Don’t know, yet. Let me know if any other
invitations come in.”

“I always do.”

The night of the Academy Awards, Marty picked
us up in the limo and drove us to the party. He was a very reliable
and friendly chauffeur and I liked working with him best so far.
Calandra arrived separately, but she and Jacob walked the red
carpet together, posing for plenty of photos. TVs were set up to
watch the ceremony, but most of the guests were busy eating and
networking. I shadowed Jacob, holding what he wanted me to and
trying not to bump any celebrities and get myself kicked out. From
there, the whole band went to the Elton John party after the award
show. I have
no
idea how Jacob managed to get in, but no one
blocked us from entering.

How did I find myself in this life, walking
past people carrying Oscar trophies? I didn’t get to
talk
to
anyone cool, of course—I was the help. People behind the scenes
didn’t mingle with the famous ones, but I saw stuff no regular girl
got to. By the time we got home at three in the morning, I was
exhausted and my feet felt a size too big.

****

Jacob’s ducks were in a row and he was having
the best year of his life. The public adored him, critics praised
him, and he finally had enough success to really have
fun
.
Clubs let him in for free, invites came for top premieres and
parties, and designers were begging him to wear their clothes. Life
was sweet.

The publicity relationship with Calandra was
a little confining, but at least she was a hell of a kisser. The
label wanted to get her image out there, her debut releasing later
in the year, and what better way than to attach her to their It
Boy. If there was a place he’d be photographed in public, she was
on his arm.

Only he, Calandra, and their publicists knew
the truth. The industry had theories and rumors, but nothing to
back them with. They were both very careful about who they saw and
where. Even Beth believed he had a girlfriend, which was a bit
satisfying in its own right.

His ex was jealous, or at least he suspected
she was. It proved things weren’t as in-the-past for her as she
liked to act—a bit of sweet retribution for her dumping him without
a word those years ago. Still…it was hard to have so much distance
between them. He’d trusted her almost as much as he did his mother
and she walked away, leaving him without a best friend or lover.
Why?

No matter how he tried to bring it up, she
wouldn’t talk about the past.

He “dated” Calandra for six months, long
enough to give her career a healthy boost.

He was photographed with many women at
parties and clubs, but he never took one home. As the band gained
more success, the guys spent less time hanging out together outside
of work, opportunities knocking on all their doors, and he got
lonely. So, he had fun and passed the time and built the reputation
everyone expected him to have. Publicity paid your rent even if it
was bad.

At first, it was for show.

****

The exposure made him an instant media
darling. Photo shoots, interviews, even a guest appearance on the
hottest teen drama of the season were being requested. Not for the
band—Jacob.

By summer, he was less secretly-sensitive
poet and more love-‘em-and-leave-‘em rock star. Calandra was on his
arm for public events until August, but I knew she wasn’t the only
girl he saw. Stardom had truly turned him into a player.

Yep, all play and no responsibility. I even
filled out his checks for him, just asking him to sign his name.
He’d always run in his own orbit, so to speak, but now…he started
taking everything for granted.

Especially me.

“Bethie…” came over the intercom.

I pressed the “talk” button on the unit.
“Yeah?”