My Reality (12 page)

I’d just come from a place where I was working nine-to-five at a job I couldn’t stand. And was heartbroken. And miserable. Now I was living this nice, luxurious life with a bunch of good girlfriends, and we were having so much fun. It was like a fantasy come true. I didn’t have any reason to think of the sadness back home.

As quickly as my feelings developed for Jason, I never stopped to think that maybe it was
too
soon. I had, in one date, developed a very strong emotional connection that would have taken much longer to develop in the real world. Maybe it was the competition aspect of it all. Maybe it was the vulnerable state that I was in when
I came. Maybe it was a combination of everything, but all I had to think about now was Jason.

But, as natural as it felt at the time, when I look back, I honestly think that the Bachelor could be
any
guy, and the girls would all swoon over him. We all had this idea that if he’s the Bachelor, he’s got to be pretty perfect or at least have a pretty impressive personal résumé! It almost gave him this special aura and appeal. It also didn’t hurt that the romantic dates we went on were so over the top and amazing that they could make anyone seem appealing.

As far as Jason was concerned, I think we all fell for the superficial things about him at first: He was cute, he was a great dad, he was sweet to all of us, and he seemed a bit shy, which was really endearing. Then, once I got to know him deeper than those surface qualities, I liked Jason for who he was around me. I’ll be honest: We didn’t have a whole lot in common. We liked similar things, like the outdoors and kids. But our conversations didn’t go much deeper than that at first. The main attraction for me was just how I felt when I was with him. As I said about Tye, sometimes it just clicks with people and sometimes it doesn’t. And with Jason, it clicked (or at least I
thought
it did). At least in the beginning. He made me feel special. He remembered all of the little stories that I told him about my life. He laughed at my jokes. He just made me feel so good.

Looking back, though, I realize that I didn’t know a whole lot about him. Nor did I ever get to know him on a deeper level, because I was the one who did most of the talking. Jason would ask me a question, and I would answer him, or tell a story, and then just keep talking. Never once did it occur to me that maybe I should be asking him questions, or that I should be trying to get to know him as much as he was trying to get to know me. I let my emotions run
ahead of my rational side. Now I can see that I just wanted so badly for Jason to like me that I never asked myself,
Do I really like him? Do I even know anything about him?

And oddly enough, it never struck me as abnormal that I was one of twenty-five women fighting for a guy. I mean, seriously, would this ever happen in Dallas? Sorry, but even if it were Tye back home and twenty-five women were all vying for his affection, I would wave my white flag and bow out—that’s just too weird of a situation. So why did it never feel that way when I was in the mansion?

As time went on though, the process got very difficult for me. The more emotionally invested I got in Jason, the harder it was to see him with other girls. Obviously. Whenever we were in group settings, it was so hard for me to act normal. Jason and I had made such a great connection on our first date and had our own inside jokes and stories, but I couldn’t exactly bring those up in a group situation. So I sat back and observed. It was hard to see him flirting with the other girls. Who did he seem to like the most? Talk to the most? Laugh with the most? It was very difficult not to overanalyze the situation.

Who can blame me? I mean, in what normal society would you be expected to be okay to watch the person you’re dating do this stuff with other people?
Twenty-five other people!

Group dates were the most brutal to watch. I was forced to watch him and see the connections that he’d made with all the other girls. And it made the confidence that I’d had in our relationship dwindle. I suddenly began to feel very weak again.

Am I setting myself up for heartbreak again? Did Jason not feel the same way about me as I did about him? Should I bow out and leave before he gets a chance to reject me?

It wasn’t that I really wanted to go home, because I did genuinely care about Jason. The hard part at that point was that a bunch of the other girls really liked him, too. Navigating all of these intense feelings was a lot harder than I had thought it would be. Here I was, emotionally invested in someone, and other people felt the same way about him, too. And this guy that we all liked, he was the one who had the control over whether he and I would be together in the end, or whether he’d end up being with someone else. It was a real mind trip.

On top of that, it scared me that I had such strong feelings for Jason right after I had just left what I thought was such a great relationship. And when I really thought about it, as much as I liked the way that I was feeling, I didn’t understand how, in a week and a half, I could have met someone who gave me butterflies and made me want to stay and fight for him.

One by one, the other girls got eliminated. We went from fifteen to twelve to nine to five. And the fewer people who were left, the more I found myself thinking,
Please, please, please, don’t let it be me who goes home.

I have to admit that, in some way, I was really surprised by everybody who got sent home, because I had no way of knowing what he was looking for or who he liked. But I’ll be honest, during the Rose Ceremonies, I wasn’t thinking too much about the other girls. I was mostly waiting to hear my name be called. And I never singled out a girl and thought it should be her turn to go home on a particular night.

With nothing else to think about, and my future happiness seemingly at stake, I became paranoid and overanalyzed every little thing that happened. There really was no moment where I felt 100 percent confident. I was riding another emotional roller coaster, and it was starting to make me dizzy.

But when it was just the two of us, I was so happy. It was easy to talk to Jason. And we weren’t just making small talk, either. He wanted to know about my parents, and my family, and everything about my life before
The Bachelor
. The questions he asked, and the way he asked them, made me think that he liked me as much as I liked him.

I was still the one mainly answering
his
questions. It never occurred to me to ask if this is what
I
wanted, I just assumed it was. Sure, I didn’t know a lot about him. And sure, I was doing most of the talking. But he seemed to like
me
. And that’s all I wanted . . . it’s what I needed.

I had convinced myself that if this worked out, I’d just up and move to Seattle (where Jason lived). I had nothing keeping me in Dallas. My friends and family were there, but they weren’t going anywhere, and so I could easily go back and see them anytime. I really thought that it wouldn’t be that hard to enter into this relationship with Jason and just start over in a new city. By this point, I really cared about him, and I thought this was where I was supposed to be, right here with him, wherever that happened to be. As far as I was concerned, God had taken me out of my situation at home and brought me here, and this was the new path that I was supposed to be on. And so I was giving it everything I had.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was inside the Bubble, and so it never dawned on me that I might not be living in reality. I never questioned that I could fall in love in two weeks. I never once wondered what was going on back home or thought about what my life after the show would be like in any real way. I felt like this was my life now.
This was my reality.
And it was very easy to extend that fantasy to what might happen if Jason chose me at the end of the show. It was very exciting to think that when this was all over, if I
was with Jason, I could move to Seattle, knowing that I had finally found what I was looking for, and I could have my own life—get my own job, make my own friends, and do my own thing—in a way I hadn’t felt able to in Dallas since Tye and I had broken up.

By the time there were only five of us left, I was sure that Jason and I had a connection that went above and beyond what he shared with anyone else. For one thing, I definitely had spent the most alone time with him out of everybody. Now, I understand that in the real world, a girl usually needs more signs than this to believe that she’s met her future husband—hence my constant references to the Bubble. But here, this was all I needed to make me think that Jason was really interested in me and in our relationship. And that felt real to me.

I did have a huge “reality check” moment though, when I found out that my mom and dad were refusing to take part in the upcoming hometown dates. A part of me wasn’t surprised. I knew they didn’t believe in the show or support my involvement in it. Only now it was a little different, because I wanted them to meet the man I loved—and hoped would be their future son-in-law—on national TV.

I was devastated to hear they wouldn’t participate. I had gotten so wrapped up in the Bachelor Bubble that I didn’t understand their reaction.

Why don’t they understand that I’m falling in love with this person? Why don’t they want to meet him? Don’t they know that he won’t propose to me if they don’t meet him? Why are they being so gosh darn difficult?

I was upset and hurt that they didn’t want to be a part of something so big in my life. I was also terrified that if Jason couldn’t meet my family, it would push him away. And, beneath the surface, I was starting to get confused about what was “real.”

Are my parents right? Is this silly? Is everyone back home laughing at me for thinking I’m in love? No! They just don’t understand! If they were in my shoes, they’d be feeling the same way that I do—wouldn’t they?

I wasn’t so sure. Hearing my parents’ protest had momentarily popped my Bachelor Bubble. I suddenly wondered if everybody else at home doubted the show, too, and thought I was being silly and stupid for letting it get this far. I teetered on the edge of doubt. But then I blocked it out again.

There was still a big part of me that thought this was all very real, particularly my feelings for Jason, and I didn’t want to hear anything to the contrary from anybody, not even my own family. I assumed they was wrong because they simply didn’t understand how genuine my feelings for Jason were and how genuine his feelings for me seemed to be.

Just like that, my Bubble was my reality again. And in my Bubble, I was upset with my parents and despondent that they might have hurt my chances with Jason. This could be my true love, and they didn’t want to meet him or be a part of my exciting new life.

At the time, it never crossed my mind that every single finalist came home in love with Jason after a date. I didn’t question why or how, but looking back, I really don’t understand what happened to make all these intelligent, rational women react so strongly. I mean, I doubt that Jason was at home after every one of these dates thinking he was so in love with each of us.

I definitely was starting to get emotionally exhausted. The highs and lows were so extreme. But as intense as the past month had been, and as close to the edge as I sometimes felt, I was still very much hanging on to try to win Jason’s heart. I didn’t want to go home. But the process was draining!

Emotionally, I was a wreck! Everything revolved around Jason and who he liked, who he dated, who appeared to be winning most of his attention—and it just drains you after a while. So, for me, I felt that
on top of
the emotional drama I’d been through for the six months prior to going on
The Bachelor
. I don’t think I really had any control over my emotions at the time, but while I was living it, I felt completely in control for the first time. Oh the irony. My Bachelor Bubble had created a safety net for me: a place where I felt in control of my feelings; a place where I felt safe. But in reality, that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

M
y parents’ decision to not participate had definitely made me question things about my new life. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about things at home. Obviously not my friends and family, but I forgot about my old life. And it did make me wonder what people were thinking back home. If they were making fun of me, if they were proud of me, if they were laughing at me.

Thankfully, I got my answer on the hometown dates. Since my parents were not involved, we got to meet up with several of my friends. I was actually a little relieved about this. My friends were more open-minded about everything, and they wouldn’t be as intimidating to defend my position to.

Surely they’ll be honest! They’ll let me know if what I’ve found is real, or if they’re teasing me for actually believing that I’d found love.

And the date went great! I was so comforted after visiting with my friends. The group date went as smoothly as it could have. My friends were the people who had seen what an emotional mess I was
before I left for
The Bachelor
, and they could clearly see a change in my demeanor now. And that was all thanks to Jason and my newfound confidence.

At one point, Stefani and I were on her bed talking, and I told her how I felt and how in love I was, and how happy I was. She immediately started crying. Her emotional response to meeting Jason was a huge indication for me that this relationship was the right thing for me. My friends were the ones who had clarity regarding the situation, and if they were happy, then this clearly had to be the right path for me. They didn’t like Tye. But they loved Jason. And I finally felt like I had it all.

On top of that, I liked Jason more and more. And after my home visit, our relationship kind of felt official. He had met my friends. It seemed like they approved, and everybody seemed really happy.
This is what it would feel like if we were a real couple, and we came to Dallas to visit my friends!
After the eight months I had just endured, that was a huge moment for me.