My Reality (13 page)

It was the happiest I had been in a long time. I had a confidence in me that I think I lost while dating Tye. My world with Jason just seemed so much easier. And what blew me away was that he just seemed to like
me
. I didn’t really find myself fighting for his attention. I can’t tell you how good it felt to finally have someone care about me in that way—it was something I had wanted for so long.

We were getting closer and closer to the end of the process. And I wanted nothing more than for it to be over. I wasn’t sure if Jason had doubts. But at this point, I didn’t have any. I felt certain that I was supposed to marry him. No matter how much I wanted to feel loved after everything I had been through, I never in a million years would have accepted a proposal from somebody I didn’t think I was
100 percent in love with. Now I just had to see if he felt the same way about me.

There was one small problem with my dream: There were still three of us girls left. And they were girls who I really liked and respected. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t bonded with them, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. But I had to stay focused on me and Jason. After all, it was a competition. And I was determined to win the chance to spend the rest of my life with the man I loved. Because they were friends of mine, I couldn’t let myself think about what they were doing or how they were feeling. The few times my mind went there, it was like emotional overload, and I realized it was not a healthy place to be. What worked for me instead, was my good old “out of sight, out of mind” philosophy. If I didn’t have to see them interacting, I was fine. I really was.

So there we were, the final three girls, and we were heading to New Zealand! I had never been out of the country, except for a vacation to Mexico, but never anywhere as exciting as New Zealand! I think our exotic destination was almost as exciting to me as the fact that I had made it to the next round. My life seemed absolutely perfect. And I just got to go along for the ride!

Emotionally, I was in a really good place. I had gone through several highs and lows throughout the process, but I had finally reached some stability. I thought I had found
the guy
. I thought I was in love. I thought I was happy. I mean really, genuinely happy. Marriage was a very big deal for me, and I was sure it was about to happen in my life. Maybe I had taken an unconventional path, but it was the one I had found, and I knew that I was totally where I was meant to be. And the concept of marriage was becoming a very real possibility very quickly. I mean, that was the point of this whole process, right? And the end was not too far off.

My thoughts began to venture off into what my life would be like. Keep in mind, I had not been in my “real life reality” in quite some time. I had been living in my world with Jason of lavish dates and exotic vacations. And when I imagined our future together in this world in my mind, everything would work out perfectly.

My dates with Jason were coming to an end. I only had a handful of them left before the whole experience was going to be over. But I didn’t feel any pressure, just confidence. Oddly enough though, I always made sure I had conversation topics in my head before we’d have a date together. Just in case the conversation reached a lull I wanted to be the one to have a funny story to bring us back on track. It didn’t strike me as odd that I would go on our dates with a checklist of things to talk about, just to keep the conversation going. I knew my time with him was limited, and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t filled with awkward silence. (Should have been a red flag . . . but I think we’ve established that I’m not very good at picking up signs.)

Our conversations seemed to flow so easily because I had no problem telling Jason how happy he made me, and how I hadn’t felt this way in a long time. Never mind that ordinarily I wasn’t the kind of girl who said stuff like that. Or that it had taken me over a year to say anything like that to Tye. Things happened fast in the Bachelor Bubble, and while I was living that reality, all of this emotion just kind of came out of me. So much of our conversations were me spilling my heart and my feelings out all over Jason.

I distinctly remember the night that I said those “three little words” that we’re always warned about saying. I didn’t just throw that word around either. And the last time I said it, I got a blank stare as a response. But that night, I just felt like I had to say it. I really felt like I was in love—I was in a place I’d never been before—and I wanted him to know!

I remember we were sitting on a couch in New Zealand, and it just came out. “I’m falling in love with you.”

Now, I knew he couldn’t say it back, even if he felt it, but it was still hard to say those words to someone and not hear anything back. Especially, since this would be the second time I’d said that to someone, just to have him not say it back. But at least this time, I could convince myself that Jason really wanted to say it back, he just couldn’t. It’s no secret the Bachelors can’t reveal their true feelings until that very final moment. So I would just have to wait until then to see if he felt the same.

But his reaction was to hug me tight and kiss me.
I believe that’s a good sign
.

That was a huge moment for me. I had not only admitted to myself, but also admitted to Jason just how deep my feelings were. And there was no turning back after those words are said! You can’t retract them. But I was glad I had said it, and I had gotten a good reaction to them. Now, he knew exactly where I was emotionally, and didn’t have to wonder if I was really in this.

By this time, there were only two of us left, me and Molly. I had really forgotten that it was still a competition at this point. I felt like Jason was my boyfriend, and I was his girlfriend. But I was not so naïve to block out the obvious. Deep down, I knew what was at stake. And whenever I thought about possibly losing this new love that I’d found, I got a huge pit in my stomach. So I forced myself to just think about the positive.

After meeting Jason’s family, I was even more convinced we were supposed to be together. They were so warm and inviting, and they genuinely seemed interested in trying to get to know me. And to me, this was the last real hurdle to making our romance official. It was the final step in this process.

This was it: the last official time we would get to be together before Jason had to make the decision to be with me, or not. No pressure or anything, right?

I remember the last time Jason left me before the final Rose Ceremony. We had just had our final date, and I wouldn’t see him again until he was either proposing to me, or rejecting me. I didn’t want him to leave. As confident as I pretended to be, I was terrified about the possibility of losing this new love. The next time we talked, he could very well be saying good-bye to me forever.

Things that made sense to me in my Bubble don’t make sense to me anymore. There were huge issues that I just ignored and didn’t think about. How could I become
engaged
to someone who had been dating multiple women the entire time? Could he really, truly love me if he was dating someone else? And why was I okay with the fact that he had all the control? I had found someone I loved, and that I wanted to be with . . . but the decision to be together wasn’t up to me. I had no control over whether or not we’d be together.

And these thoughts brought Tye right back into my mind. Not because I missed him or was wondering what he was doing, but because my current situation suddenly began to mirror my old one. I was in love and out of control of the situation . . . again.

The day was finally here, the day for which I’d waited two months, and which would decide my future forever. My mind went back and forth the entire time I was getting ready. I felt confident that I was about to receive a proposal.

Surely, he’s going to pick me. How could he not, after the connection that he and I have made? What about all of the little signs he gave me that showed how much he cared? This is it. It has to be!

Then it wouldn’t be long before my mind went in the other direction.

But what if he doesn’t pick me? I mean, I’m sure Molly is feeling just as confident as I am right now. What if I’m the girl he sends home? What if he does care about me, but he cares about her more? I didn’t even think about that.

Let the mind games continue. You can see why I was so emotionally drained after going through an experience like this. And reliving it makes me just as dizzy!

•

O
n the limo ride over to the proposal destination, my heart began to pound. It sounded like a drum line was performing right next to me. I mean, I had thought about the possibility of being rejected, but I hadn’t
thought
about it . . . and now I was . . . and now was
not
the time!

Wait! I’m not ready yet! I need to get my emotions in check!

I had no idea whether I was the first girl, or the second, or if anything had happened yet, or what was going to happen when I did finally get to Jason. I was trying to catch my breath, but I was too nervous. I was trying to smile, but my lips were quivering at the edges of my mouth. My hands were sweaty. I was concentrating on trying not to trip or let my fear and longing show on my face.

Should I look at him? Should I avoid eye contact?

I had been so confident up until now, but I suddenly felt very awkward, maybe because it had sunk in that it was a real possibility that he might reject me. I didn’t want to make eye contact with him and possibly read his expression before I got to him.

When I finally reached Jason, he smiled at me, grabbed my hands and gave me a small kiss. I took a deep breath.

Here we go.

We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. His face was impossible to read.

Was he happy? Was he nervous that he was about to reject me?

He smiled slightly.

“Our very first date, I started falling for you,” he said. “From the blimp ride, to meeting your friends, seeing you with Ty, seeing you with my family, seeing it all.”

Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Unless there’s a big
but
coming soon, this is really good!

Jason started smiling a little bigger, and I slowly started to smile back. He grabbed my hands tighter.

“I came into this looking for someone exactly like you,” he said. “Exactly like you. I said to myself early that throughout all this, I don’t know if I could ever say good-bye to you.”

I was looking at him now, and I knew this was it! He was picking me!

My heart suddenly started to fill up, and I couldn’t keep the biggest smile from taking over my whole face. I wanted to fall into his arms at that very moment.

“You make me happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life,” he said. “I’ve wanted to tell you something for a long time now: I’m completely in love with you!”

I shrieked. It was a noise that I didn’t even know I could make! I immediately started jumping up and down and hugging him—I was so unbelievably happy! I had found what I was looking for. I loved him, and he loved me! I was loveable again, and it felt so good!

And then, Jason got down on his knee and proposed to me.

Unreal!
This was the moment that I had been waiting for my entire life.

Of course I accepted. I was in a cloud of total happiness. I had made it to the end. I had won. I had gotten my man. I had found
true love! We were going to be a family! I was so content that I had found the right place for me.

Jason really did fill all of the holes where things had been missing in my previous relationship with Tye. I hadn’t had any of that good romantic attention since the early days of my relationship with Josh, and that had been when I was a teenager. It felt as good to receive such attention as I had imagined it would feel during the many long nights I had been alone before
The Bachelor.

And just like that . . . it was all over. I was in love, I was engaged, and I was going back home to my real world. I was confident our relationship would work—even though I didn’t really think of
how
it would work . . . I just assumed it would. We were happy, in love, and getting married. It just had to work out.

The Bachelor Bubble still had a powerful hold on me, and when we left New Zealand to go home, I was still giddy. I was so happy that I had found this man who I loved, who loved me too, and now we were going to get married and start a life together. The only downside was that I couldn’t celebrate with anyone, since the world didn’t know yet. But that was all right. I figured it would give Jason and me more time to get to know each other before our good news became public.

Jason and I said our good-byes in New Zealand, and I headed back home. It took a little adjusting to get back to normal again. I hadn’t been home in a long time, and I hadn’t talked to anyone in weeks, so I was anxious to see what I had missed. First things first, I turned my phone on to get all my missed emails and messages.

I turned on my phone while waiting in line at security, and it
blew up
! Honestly, it was a little overwhelming.

Before I had left for
The Bachelor
, my first thought would have been to immediately check to see if Tye had left me a message. But
I had finally accepted that he had never cared about me in the same way that I had cared about him. I was happy to now be giving my love to someone who wanted it and had love to give me in return. I knew that Tye hadn’t called me while I was gone, and at that point, I didn’t really even care.

Literally one minute after I turned my phone back on (the messages were actually still downloading), it rang. I looked down at the screen.

It was Tye.

My heart stopped for a minute. I was surprised that he was calling me, but more than that, I was struck by how much I had changed. For the first time, ever, I honestly didn’t want to talk to him; not after everything he’d put me through.

I hit Ignore.