He kissed me hard again and then I felt his knee nudging my legs apart. His lips left mine and he hovered above me. I closed my eyes in anticipation.
“Open your eyes,” he said in a low whisper. “I want to see you.”
My eyelids slowly opened and our gazes locked as he spread my legs apart more before gently easing himself inside me. I held my breath as I realized I was making love to another man. A man who was not Ethan. I felt a tear form in my eye, but I quickly willed it away as our hips began to move in unison.
Drew was slow at first and my momentary guilt was extinguished by the sheer pleasure I was feeling. He exuded the gentleness and giving of an experienced lover. He didn’t take his eyes off me, and I bit my lip in an attempt to muffle the sounds trying to escape my body even as Drew’s intoxicating grunts filled the room.
“Let me hear you,” he whispered again. “Don’t hold back. I want to hear you.”
And with his encouragement, I let go of all my inhibitions. I’d never felt so alive. I never knew someone could make me feel the way he was, but I knew now and I never wanted to forget it. He pulled me even closer, never breaking our stare, consuming every ounce of me and I couldn’t hold it in any longer as we moved together frantically. I lost all control of myself and with a final yell of his name, he collapsed onto me, panting hard, his warm breath washing over me. Drew held me tightly, as he trembled, trying to calm himself.
Even as his muscles continued to flex on top of me, I stared at the ceiling, unable to process what had just happened. I had just made love to Drew and even worse, I had enjoyed it. I’d never felt anything so good in my life and all while Ethan was on the other side of the world, trusting me, loving me, and I had ruined it all for a moment of incredible passion with a man I had been drawn to from the moment we met.
“Natalie.” His husky whisper brought me back from my thoughts and he adjusted himself so he nuzzled into my neck, kissing it tenderly over and over. I didn’t say anything. I just lay there as he stroked my hair. “Are you okay?” he asked a moment later, his lips leaving my neck and he rested on his arms, hovering over me as he stared down at me with concern. I nodded, not knowing what to say. I was okay, but I wasn’t okay. There was so much that was okay and so much that was not. “Hey,” he said, leaning down and brushing my lips tenderly. “That was amazing.” He leaned down again and started kissing me more eagerly. His hands began exploring my body as if he wanted to go again.
“I can’t,” I finally managed to say as I laid my hands on his chest and gently pushed him away.
“Natalie. What are you doing?” he said as he rolled off of me. I pulled the sheet over myself as I stood up from the bed, searching for my clothes.
“I’m just gonna head back to the hotel,” I said as I fumbled with my dress.
“Natalie, wait,” he said, standing up quickly and pulling his jeans on. I couldn’t help but notice how they hung so enticingly on his hips.
“You can stay here as long as you’d like, but I need to get back.” I clasped the straps of my dress and pulled on my heels.
“I don’t want to stay here. I want to be with you.” He crossed the room, looking down at me while he wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I need to go,” I said, wriggling from his embrace and heading towards the door.
He crossed the room quickly, placing his hand on the door to stop me.
“I’m not letting you walk the streets of Tokyo by yourself. It’s dangerous.”
“Drew, please. I need to go,” I said, as tears welled in my eyes. I blinked and they rolled down my cheeks as Drew’s face deflated.
“This is the first time I’ve slept with a woman and she’s left in tears.” His hand let go of the door and his arm fell to his side.
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say.
“You don’t love him anymore, Natalie. You know you don’t.”
I just stared at him for a few moments and then I shook my head before I flung the door open and headed back into the crowded club.
Twenty-One
The strobe lights were disorienting and I stopped, trying to collect my bearings as I looked for the front of the club. I hadn’t exactly been in my right frame of mind when Drew was leading me to that room. I needed to find Court. He’d checked my purse along with my coat and I needed them back so I could get out of here. I felt like I was searching forever when I finally saw his spiky blonde hair. He was dancing with the guy he’d approached earlier. I went to him, trying to look as casual as I could.
“Court,” I said, tapping him on the shoulder. He spun around and the moment he saw me, the smile that had been on his face was gone.
“What’s the matter with you?” he shouted over the music.
“I need my purse and coat. Can you get it for me?”
“What’s going on?”
“I just need to get back to the hotel.”
“Is everything alright?” I nodded, but he turned to his partner, whispered something and then took me by the hand, leading me away from the crowd. “You look like you’ve been crying. What’s going on?”
“Please, don’t ask me any questions.”
He took my hand and I followed him to where he got my purse and draped the coat over my shoulders.
“Let’s go.”
“What about that guy?”
“He’s from Australia. I’ll never see him again. Let’s just go back to the hotel,” and then he stopped suddenly and looked around. “Shouldn’t we wait for Drew?”
“Let’s just go, please.”
He looked at me suspiciously and then his mouth opened and closed a few times as if he was trying to say something, but he didn’t and we walked to the edge of the street. Court hailed a cab and we got inside. The ride back to the hotel was quiet and uneasy. We didn’t say anything on the elevator ride up either. When I opened the door to my room, Court grabbed my arm.
“What the hell is going on, Natalie?” His voice was harsh and he was staring at me, jaw clinched in determination.
“I asked you not to ask me any questions.”
“Then you’re nuts if you think I’m just going to drop this. Did someone hurt you in there? I know that place was crazy and if anyone laid a hand on you…” his voice trailed off as my lip started to quiver.
“You know what happened. Please don’t make me say it.”
Court let out a low whistle and shook his head.
“What the fuck have you done, Natalie?” His voice was quiet and worried, but I didn’t say anything.
“Good night, Court,” I said quickly, walking into my room and shutting the door in his face.
I walked numbly to the bed and found my pajamas. I slid into them and threw the horrible dress in the trash. I sat down in the middle of the bed and stared at the wall. My eyes filled with tears again and they slowly rolled down my cheeks. I didn’t even bother wiping them away. I heard my cell phone beep with a text message. I sat for a moment before I reached over and looked at it. It was as if a knife went straight through my stomach when I saw it was from Ethan.
Are you still asleep? Wanna Skype?
I tossed the phone down and continued staring at the wall. I couldn’t talk to him, let alone see his face. I just ignored it. He’d think I was asleep. I’d heard a saying once that if you truly love someone, it’s easy to be faithful. I’d always thought that was true, but tonight had proven otherwise, or perhaps I didn’t love Ethan as deeply as I thought I did.
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I waited a few moments before standing up and slowly making my way to it. It could only be one of three people. I looked through the peephole and saw Drew standing there. He looked worried, but I couldn’t bring myself to open the door.
“Natalie, please let me in. I know you’re in there.” I watched as he touched the door, resting his palm and forehead on it in frustration.
“Please go away, Drew,” I responded a few seconds later.
“I can’t. I won’t. I’m not leaving you, Natalie.”
“I’ve got nothing to say to you.”
“But I have everything to say to you.”
I watched as he pushed himself off the door and stared directly into the peephole, knowing I was looking. I couldn’t stop myself then and my hand reached up, opening the door.
“I had to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said, staring at the ground and we were silent. He took one step towards me, his hand brushing my arm lightly before he walked past me, entering my room without an invitation.
“I’m not going to apologize for what happened between us,” he began and I looked up at him, not expecting those words as I sat on the bed and he sat across from me on the couch.
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Then what do you want from me, Natalie?”
“I don’t know, Drew,” I said quickly. “What am I supposed to do? I have a boyfriend. He’s more than a boyfriend. He’s…”
“He’s not that important since you let what happened tonight happen.”
His words stung me and I stared up at him.
“That’s not fair.”
“How’s it not fair?”
“Ethan and I…” I stammered, not knowing what I was trying to say.
“You can’t deny this thing between us.”
“No, I can’t and I won’t. It’s there. It’s been in our faces since the first time I met you, but you’re my boss…”
“I’m also a man,” he interrupted.
“And I’m just another girl. Another notch on your bedpost. And I’m about to lose everything because of it.”
“You can’t be serious!” he exclaimed. “Is that what you think you are to me, Natalie?”
He looked angry as his eyes pierced mine from across the room.
“I don’t know what to think.”
He continued to stare at me and his anger turned to hurt.
“You are hardly just a notch on my bedpost. If you were, I wouldn’t be here talking to you. I’d fire you the second we landed back in the States. But that’s not what’s happening and it never was going to happen. That was never my intention.”
“What were your intentions then?”
“To prove to you that I can make you happy.”
“What are you saying?” I asked softly.
“Natalie,” he said, standing up and walking slowly over to the bed, sitting beside me. “If all I wanted was sex, I could have it and I’ve done it…I’ve done that more times than I care to admit, but with you, that’s not all I want. I want you. Let me be the one. Choose me and I promise I can give you the life Ethan never can.” I sat motionless as he stroked my cheek and gently brushed my lips with his. I didn’t move at first, but then as his mouth continued to move over mine, I felt myself giving into the kiss. I knew it was wrong and I wanted to push him away, but he tasted so good and as I felt the heaviness of him next to me, I gave in completely, kissing him back with everything I had.
“Let me stay with you tonight,” he whispered between kisses and I suddenly stopped, my heart pounding as he looked down at me with a desperate plea.
“I…I don’t know…” I stuttered and then I said, “Ethan,” and I felt his finger on my lips, silencing me.
“I’m not asking you to make any decisions right now. But, give me tonight. Just one night is all I ask.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out and I swallowed hard before nodding. Drew smiled and stood up, taking off his hoodie and shoes. He sat down on the bed beside me and I couldn’t ignore the knots in my stomach. I knew I should’ve told him to leave, but I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay, but I needed a moment to think.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” I said softly and he looked at me with concern, but he just nodded and I made my way to the bathroom.
The water ran over my body and it felt good as I tried washing away the sweat and memories of the club. My mind couldn’t stop thinking about Drew and how he’d made me feel though. I could still feel him inside me and I closed my eyes tightly, trying to push him away. I couldn’t do this. When I got out of the shower, I’d tell him to leave and give him my two weeks’ notice. It was the only sensible thing to do and maybe someday I could forgive myself for betraying Ethan because he could never know.
When I returned to the bed though and saw Drew waiting for me, I didn’t tell him to leave because I didn’t want him to leave. He looked nervous and afraid and I didn’t want to hurt him anymore.
“One night,” I said softly and I saw a soft smile form on his face as he eased out of his clothes, so he only remained in his boxer briefs and undershirt, sliding under the covers and holding them up so I could climb in beside him.
I walked to the bed and crawled inside, my nerves on high alert. We laid in silence for a few moments until I felt him inching towards to me. I found myself wanting to be closer to him and I rested on his chest as he turned off the bedside lamp, causing the whole room to go dark. He played with my hair and I could feel his heartbeat.
“You smell good.” His voice was soft as he breathed me in, but I didn’t say anything and he started rubbing my arm with his fingertips. “I think you’re incredible, Natalie, and I want you to have everything you deserve.” I felt his warm lips on my shoulder then and he held them there for a few seconds before he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me. “I don’t know what happened to me that day I walked in on your interview. The first time I looked into your eyes I wanted to know you. I wanted to know everything about you. And as I got to know you, I wanted you even more and now, you’re all I want. I just want to make you happy, Natalie, and I need you. I don’t know why I need you so much. All I know is that when I’m with you, I feel good. I thought I was happy before you, but I know now I’m not…not without you.”
“Drew…” I whispered as I felt him turning me so I faced him. Both of our heads rested on the pillow as we stared into each other’s eyes and he reached up, brushing his fingertips over my cheek.
“You are so beautiful.” His eyes darted over my face and I expected to blush, but I didn’t because I knew by the way he looked at me, I believed him. He wasn’t saying it to make me feel good. He was saying it because it was how he felt. “And I can’t have you thinking I was only trying to get you into bed. This thing between us,” he said, pausing as he ran his thumb over my lower lip, his nervous smile from earlier transforming into one of gentleness and sincerity. “This thing between us is so much more. You have to know that.”
I did know that. I knew I cared for him in a way I’d never cared for anyone else. I ached when we weren’t together and I was content when he was with me. I needed him the way he said he needed me and I wanted him, but I couldn’t tell him that. Instead, I raised my eyes to his, tracing his cheek with my fingertip before I leaned in, pressing my lips to his, soft and chastely, allowing them to linger so I could remember everything about the way he felt and then I turned on my side, my back to his front, cuddling in deep.
“Good night,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.
“Good night,” I whispered back.
I closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me and I felt safe and warm. I didn’t want to admit how good it felt to lay in his arms and a few minutes later, I could tell he was asleep, something that would not come easy for me. The man next to me made me feel things I never had. I’d never been so attracted to anyone in my life. But, then my mind drifted to Ethan and a tear streaked down my face as I realized what I’d done to him…what I’d done to us. There was no turning back. Things could never be the same. I’d figure something out, but he could never know.