Twenty-Two
I woke up the next morning, my mind still reeling from the night before. Drew was gone, having woken me at five a.m. to head back to his room to get ready for our flight, but not before kissing me tenderly before he left. I could still smell him on the sheets beside me and I tried to reconcile my feelings of guilt and pleasure at the same time and I didn’t know how I was going to get through the flight home.
I finished packing my stuff and opened the door, but not before I looked back at the room. I never would’ve guessed how much my life would change during this trip. I’d gone to a place I couldn’t come back from and now I was returning to New York and back to Ethan. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I saw him. I couldn’t say anything, but I wondered if he’d know. I shook my head and closed the door, walking into the hallway.
I was the first one in the lobby and I sat in a chair as I glanced anxiously at the elevators, waiting for someone to show up. I didn’t know how I would react when I saw Drew. The night before felt like a dream, but once I saw him again, I’d know it was reality.
The elevator opened and closed so many times, I lost count, but when it finally opened and Drew walked out, our eyes locked before I looked away. I wasn’t surprised he came right over to me, sitting in the chair beside me. He was smiling, almost shyly, which surprised me because Drew was the last person I’d describe as shy.
“Hey,” he said softly and I felt him lean forward, placing his hand on my knee.
“Hey,” I answered back in an even quieter voice.
“How’d you sleep?”
“Fine.” The way he was looking at me was too much. It was like he could see right inside of me and if he could, he’d see the affect he was having.
“Thank you for last night.” His voice got even lower and I felt my cheeks turn red.
“About that…” I began, but I stopped when I noticed his hand leave my knee and he sat back in the chair, his back straightening and a serious look on his face as he gazed towards the elevators. I looked over and saw why he’d moved away. Court and Anna Beth were approaching us. Anna Beth looked distracted as she appeared to search for something in her bag, but I would’ve sworn Court was staring at us. I only met his eyes for a second before I started picking at my fingers.
“We’ll talk about this later,” he whispered to me and I nodded. “Good morning,” Drew said to my co-workers, standing up. “The car should be outside to take us to the airport. Are you guys ready to go?”
“I’m so ready to get back,” Anna Beth said and I couldn’t help but notice she was the only one who looked rested. I should’ve followed her lead and stayed in instead of going to the club. She headed towards the door and Drew looked at me, offering his hand to help me up, but I ignored his offer and he turned, leaving me behind. As I stood and gathered my things, I realized Court was hanging back.
“You okay this morning?” he asked once we were alone.
“I’m fine, Court.”
“So, you and Drew?” his voice said quietly and I nodded.
“You don’t seem surprised.”
“Because I’m not. I see the way he looks at you…and the way you look at him.”
“Please, Court. I don’t wanna talk about it though.”
He nodded for a moment and was quiet.
“If you need anything, you know you can talk to me, don’t you?”
“I do. Thank you for your concern.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me supportively as we made our way to the door that would lead us to the car waiting to take us to the airport.
Once there, we checked in and waited for our flight in the same solitude as we had during our drive to the airport. When I heard the boarding call for our flight, I pulled out my ticket and followed my co-workers onto the plane.
When we got to our seats, I quickly slid into a window seat while the others loaded their carry-ons into the overhead bins. I looked up for a moment and my eyes locked with Drew’s, and I knew he was seeking my permission to sit beside me. I didn’t know how I should react. I really wanted Anna Beth next to me because she seemed the least dangerous, but I noticed she’d already claimed a seat a few rows ahead and was making herself comfortable. If I was being honest though, I knew I wanted Drew beside me, even if I pretended not to.
“Do you mind?” he asked and I shook my head.
“Go ahead,” I said and Drew slid in beside me. The tension between us was palpable. My heart was pounding having him so close to me and then he spread his legs so our thighs were touching. I wanted to feel more of him and I knew he wanted more of me too.
We still hadn’t said anything to each other when we started taxiing down the runway. The plane picked up speed and I watched out the window as Tokyo faded further and further away. My mind was so preoccupied that I wasn’t even afraid as the plane lifted into the sky. I’d been excited on the flight over. I was anxious for a new experience, to explore a place I never imagined I’d go, but the trip had turned out nothing like I’d planned. It changed everything. My life could never go back to where it was and my relationship with Ethan would never be the same. I felt my eyes well with tears as we passed through the clouds and before I could stop it, one streaked down my face and I reached up quickly to wipe it away. I felt his hand on my thigh then, but I couldn’t face him.
“I hate when you’re hurting,” he said softly, but I remained quiet. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but I do know what I felt last night and you can’t deny what you felt either, Natalie. We can’t pretend like it didn’t happen.”
“I could never forget what happened,” I finally said, slowly turning to face him. “I will never forget what we did…or how it felt.”
“Then where do we stand?”
“I don’t know,” I said quietly, looking down at my hands, but I could still feel his gaze on me. “I never thought I was this kind of person. I never thought I could actually cheat on him. Things aren’t great with Ethan right now, but I’m committed to him. I have been for the past four years and I shouldn’t have done what I did to him. Do you understand the gravity of what I did?” I could hear the desperation in my voice so I knew he did too.
I drew my eyes up again and I tried reading his expression. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
“I’m not proud of what we did…of causing you to hurt and sleeping with another man’s girlfriend. Fidelity is paramount in relationships, but sometimes, like with us, you can’t help it,” he started, keeping his voice down so our conversation could remain private. “I don’t regret what we did though and I don’t think you regret it either.” He was staring at me with a gentle fierceness that made me admit that deep down I’d wanted it and I wasn’t sorry we’d done it. I did regret hurting Ethan though. There was no doubt about that. “It’s not my place to pressure you,” he continued. “You think you know what I want. You think I want you,” he said softly, his voice low and deep and my entire body felt alive just by the way he looked at me. “And I do want you, Natalie, but what I want more is for you to be happy. However you find it, that’s all I want for you.”
“I…I just need some time,” I whispered.
“I don’t expect you to decide the moment we land in New York, but I hope you’ll still work for me.”
I didn’t say anything. My plan had been to give him my two weeks and be done with him, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I couldn’t.
“Of course I’m still working for you…for now.”
“So, there’s a chance I may lose you then?” he said, his eyes looking over to me and then I felt his hand slip on my knee. I looked down, worried Court and Anna Beth would see, but I saw we were well hidden from view. Drew must’ve noticed too because his hand inched up further and I immediately felt the yearning from last night. My hand reached down to move it, but he grabbed it instead, linking our fingers together and resting them between us. I stared down at our entwined fingers and I couldn’t help but smile at how innocent it looked. It was sweet and so different than last night. It was gentle and loving and for a split second I imagined what it would be like to be with Drew, not in the way we were last night, but as a couple and I imagined it could be amazing.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said softly and he nodded.
“I understand,” Drew said, squeezing my hand before letting go.
Twenty-Three
I was exhausted when the plane finally touched down in New York. We all looked like zombies as we walked down the jet way and headed to baggage claim. As we approached our carousel, I blinked my eyes and I saw Ethan standing there. I hadn’t expected him to meet me. It was ten o’clock in the morning and I knew he’d worked late the night before, yet there he was, waiting for me with a smile on his face. My stomach started to turn as a lump formed in my throat and my eyes started to burn as the severity of what I’d done hit me. Our eyes met and Ethan started walking towards me, slowly at first, and then quicker as his smile grew wider. He opened his arms and wrapped me in them.
“I missed you,” he whispered in my ear as he held me tightly.
I couldn’t say anything, but I buried my face in his chest, so grateful to be with him again, and yet so consumed with guilt I could hardly stand myself.
“Hey,” he said gently, pulling back a little and stroking my cheek. “What’s goin’ on? You seem upset.”
As I looked into his deep brown eyes, I wanted to run away. I’d lost my mind while in Japan and now that I was back, I’d found it again.
“I missed you,” I choked out as he stroked my hair.
“You’re back now and I took the day off to spend it with you, so there’s no need to be upset.”
He pulled back and smiled at me. I tried smiling back, but I couldn’t. Instead, I grasped his hand tightly as we walked over to the edge of the carousel to wait for my luggage. I leaned against Ethan as we waited, but my eyes wandered anyway. Court was eyeing me peculiarly. Drew was looking away and I knew his avoidance was deliberate.
We waited quietly and when my suitcase finally came around, Ethan grabbed it. The other’s bags arrived right after mine and soon we all had our belongings.
“There’s a car out front for us,” Drew said as he began walking toward the exit.
“We’re taking the subway,” I said quickly and I noticed the way Drew and Court both stopped and stared at me.
“It’s no trouble, Natalie,” Drew said, our eyes finally meeting. “Please, let me take you home.”
“We’ve been cooped up in that plane for so long, I want to stretch my legs,” I said quickly.
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll get home in half the time. Tell her, Ethan.” I looked between the two men and I saw Ethan nod.
“He’s right, Nat. The sooner we get home, the sooner we can get you to bed.”
I noticed the way Drew’s eyes flickered to Ethan for a moment and he looked annoyed. I wondered if that annoyance had to do with Ethan’s insinuation that we’d be sleeping together shortly.
“Fine, let’s just go,” I relented and then we all went outside to the waiting limousine.
The ride home was almost silent. Everyone seemed too tired to talk, which I was grateful for. I held Ethan’s hand the whole way, but my eyes met Drew’s a few times and it was uncomfortable.
We dropped Anna Beth off first. She sleepily said goodbye to us and then we headed to Court’s. Maybe I was reading into it, but he was looking at me funny during the ride and I noticed how he would glance between Ethan and Drew. When we stopped in front of his building, he gathered his stuff and stepped out.
“Rest up all. See you in a couple of days.”
It was awkward when he left. Being alone with Drew and Ethan was strange. I wondered if Drew felt the same way. I doubted it. He was confident and sure of himself. Ethan was innocent and trusting and I hated knowing he shouldn’t be.
“Thanks for the ride,” Ethan spoke up a few minutes later as we drove. It was the first real bit of conversation that had been said since we left the airport.
“It’s not a problem at all,” Drew said, looking into my boyfriend’s eyes and then over to me.
“Yes, thanks, Drew,” I added.
“Like I said, no need to thank me. I’m glad to do it. Just rest up and we’ll get back to work on Tuesday,” he said and paused as he looked at me. “You are coming back to work, aren’t you?”
“Of course,” I said quickly.
“I was afraid our jaunt to Japan made you realize what a tyrant I am to work for.”
“No. The trip was good,” I said and I wondered if Ethan picked up on the smile Drew was giving me.
“It was a good trip, wasn’t it?” Drew said with a raised eyebrow.
“You’re lucky, Nat. I’d give anything to have an all-expenses paid trip to Tokyo.”
I didn’t say anything and I wanted nothing more than to get home. My wish finally came true when we pulled in front of our building. I opened the door, quickly getting out, followed by Ethan.
“Good bye, Drew,” I said, poking my head back in.
“Bye,” he said quietly. “See you on Tuesday.”
~~~
It was strange being home, back in our little apartment. I realized what a dump it was even more after having spent the last week in a luxury hotel, pretending to be someone I wasn’t. Ethan seemed happy to have me home. He carried my bags inside and when he set them down, he shut the door, locking the deadbolt and then I saw the way he looked at me. There was no smile on his face. He looked like a man on a mission and I was his target.
“Ethan,” I said softly as he walked towards me, but then his finger was on my mouth, effectively silencing me.
“Don’t speak,” he ordered and then he grabbed the bottom of my shirt, pulling it over my head so I stood in just my bra. It didn’t take him long to have that off too and he just stood there, staring down at me, his hands moving hesitantly towards my chest as he pressed me against the wall.
“Do you know how much I’ve missed you?” he said softly, but before I could answer, his mouth was on mine, his tongue forcing its way inside. He tugged at my pants, pulling them down until his hands were inside my panties and I groaned as he touched me. I heard the zip of his fly just then and he grabbed me, lifting me and practically slamming me against the wall. I’d never seen him so demanding, so in control and I had to admit, I liked it. We’d never done it like this, so raw and forceful and I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting to Drew and what we’d done at the club. I imagined his arms around me and how skilled he’d seemed. He’d made love to me in a way Ethan never had and even now as Ethan made love to me, all I could think about was Drew and what we’d done and how I wanted it again. I forced myself to bring my mind back to Ethan and reciprocated everything he was doing to me with as much energy as I could muster, keeping my eyes closed as I focused on Ethan.
“What the hell’s gotten into you, Nat?” he laughed. “I like it.” He kissed me again, but I couldn’t find the satisfaction I was craving…searching for the satisfaction I’d felt with Drew.
“On the bed,” I grunted in a low whisper and he pulled me from the wall, my legs still clinging to his waist. A moment later, we were in our room and he’d thrown me on the bed, detaching ourselves from each other. He stared down at me, a horny smile on his face as he laid on top of me. I pushed him off and threw him on his back, climbing on top of him, praying this could make me forget Drew and how he’d taken me places I didn’t even know existed. I needed Ethan to consume me so I wouldn’t remember Drew.
“Holy shit, Nat!” he grunted.
“Shut up, Ethan!” I said, not wanting to do anything but concentrate on Ethan, of feeling him and not Drew. I was pissed. I was frustrated because I couldn’t do it and I only climaxed when I closed my eyes and thought of Drew touching me the way he had, but I finally did and I collapsed onto Ethan’s chest, trying not to cry.
Ethan was breathing just as hard as I was as I lay on him, his hands tickling my back as we tried to regain control of ourselves. It took a long time though and we just laid there panting.
“What has Japan turned you into? Telling me to shut up like that. That was so hot,” he finally said and I shuddered because if he knew how Japan had changed me, I’d lose him forever.
“I just missed you,” I lied…again. I’d never lied to Ethan and now that’s all I did to him and I was beginning to hate myself for it.
“I missed you. I know it was only a week, but I missed you, Nat. I missed you so much.”
I didn’t say anything, I just continued resting my head on his chest for a while until I finally rolled off of him and we lay sprawled naked on the bed, not speaking until we were finally settled again.
“That was quite a welcome home present,” he laughed softly and I finally turned my head to smile back at him. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“Me too,” I said and then he slid his hand into mine, curling our fingers together.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you something,” he said and he seemed excited. “But, I didn’t want to tell you while you were away.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked, sitting up and looking down at him. He was smiling in a way I hadn’t seen since we moved here. The worry seemed to be gone from his face and he looked happy.
“Everything’s more than okay. I got a job in a show.”
“What?” I shouted.
“Yeah. Three days ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? How? This is amazing!” I exclaimed, reaching down and hugging him.
“It just sorta happened. I was waiting on this table and I was chatting with one of the guys and it turned out he was in charge of lighting and sound for
Jersey Boys
and we got to talking and he offered me a job.”
“Just like that?” I asked, skeptically.
“Well, I met him at the theatre before my shift the next day and he showed me around and yeah…it just happened.”
“That’s incredible, Ethan!” I said, elated for him to the point that I forgot for a split second about everything I’d done to him. “Why didn’t you tell me? How did you keep this from me?”
“I wanted you to focus on what you needed to focus on in Japan. I wanted to surprise you.”
“When do you start?”
“Tomorrow.”
“What about Carmine’s?”
“I’ll still pick up some shifts when I can until I know if this is gonna work out.”
I reached over, running my fingertips over his cheek.
“I love seeing you happy,” I told him and he sat up, kissing me sweetly before pulling me down next to him.
“I can’t believe this might finally be happening. All of this shit we’ve been through might’ve been worth it after all,” he said, but I felt the corners of my mouth tugging down because I knew it wasn’t worth it. What I had done to us would never be worth it.