My Unexpected Forever (14 page)

I
don’t want to be here, let alone dressed the way I am. I could kill Liam. I’m going to kill Josie. I should’ve left the minute Harrison walked out of the kitchen. Made my escape, but no, I felt compelled to clean up their stupid mess. If I were home, no one would’ve come to look for me. I could’ve locked the door and buried myself into my sofa with a pint of
Ben and Jerry’s
. Instead, I’m sitting in Ralph’s wearing skintight jeans with an equally tight black tank that says
I’m with the Band
. Seriously? Are we teenagers again?

Sometimes I want to be. Go back to when it was just the four of us at the water tower or the drive-in movies. Those were the good days. Getting ready for prom in my bathroom and Josie using me as a cover so she could spend the night with Liam. I shudder, thinking of the twins doing half the shit that we did, but I know they will. Most of it is tradition, a rite of passage. I just won’t have Mason around to scare the boys away.

Of course, I couldn’t leave once we walked in because Ralph was there to greet us. I haven’t been back since 4225 West held a charity concert for me after Mason’s birthday and just one look from Ralph makes me feel guilty.

I look around and take in the fans here to see the guys. When we were on tour I only caught a few glimpses here and there, but being up front and center, my eyes are taking in a lot of… skin. I don’t know how Josie does this without getting jealous. I’m not sure I could. The way the guys are talked about… it makes me cringe and feel very sorry for them.

Josie and I are sitting on the edge of the dance floor, both of us with a bucket of beers on our table, waiting for the guys. I know once they come on stage, she’ll be up front because she’s the biggest groupie of all. Not that I can blame her, she lost Liam once and I know hell would have to freeze over before she gave him up again.

“How do you do it?” I ask before pulling a bottle from the ice-cold bucket and popping the top. I tip my head back and let the cold amber liquid fill my mouth. I shouldn’t drink, but Liam’s right – it’s Friday night and I have a babysitter – I should take advantage.

Josie shrugs. “Some of it bothers me, but I trust him. I know that he’s coming home to me at the end of the night and wouldn’t touch anyone. He’s got too much to lose.”

I marvel at her resilience. I’m not sure I would’ve forgiven him if I were in her shoes. I was there, holding her hair back when she was heaving the contents of her stomach day after day. She was a mess for a long time, but now she’s glowing. She smiles every day and it makes me want to have what she has. Knowing I did and lost it kills me.

T
he
crowd grows the closer it gets to show time. From where we’re sitting, we won’t be able to see them very well. Not that I need to watch them, although this is my opportunity to check out Harrison without him looking. Yes, I admit it, he’s starting to get to me, but it’s not enough for me to throw in the towel. He’s intriguing and I have a feeling there’s more to him than a drummer in a rock band. I’m just not sure I’m the right person to figure out who he is exactly. I don’t have anything to offer him. I’m afraid I’m not enough for someone like him.

The lights dim and the fans start screaming. There’s excitement in the air, I can feel it coursing through me. Today I can be a fan without having to make sure the guys are taken care of, Ralph will do that tonight.

Josie stands on her chair and whistles as Liam takes the stage.

“Hey baby,” he says into the microphone, making all the women go nuts. Too bad he’s only talking to her. I shake my head and start laughing. It’s like those two were never apart.

I decide to stand on my chair too or I won’t be able to see. I’m praying no one will bump into me. The last thing I need is to do a table dive. Jimmy comes out next and instantly starts flirting with some of the women in the front row. He holds one of their hands and leans down to their ear. Who knows what he’s saying, probably giving her his number. I’m honestly surprised that he’s not more of a PR nightmare. Some days he acts like a family man and the next, he’s the man-whore of the group.

Harrison comes on stage last. He’s switched from a beanie to a baseball cap that he’s wearing backward. I remember very clearly the last time I saw his hat like that. I hold my breath when he looks out into the crowd. Is he looking for me? Half of me wants him to, but the other half wills him to find someone that can give him what he wants.

Harrison makes a few adjustments before he spins his sticks in between his fingers, then he claps them together and counts to four. I look over at Josie, who is nodding her head and yelling at Liam.

The song is new, something I’ve never heard before. Josie seems to know the lyrics because she’s singing right along. My heart aches with love for Liam and Josie. He has this talent and is able to write songs about her. I can’t even make it a day without thinking about what Mason’s voice sounded like and how I’ll never hear the words
I love you
said to me again, and here’s my best friend, being sung to like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do for her.

The words of the song are touching, about how his heart trumped his mind and that he should’ve known better. I move to the beat of the song, swaying back and forth as I watch Harrison pound on the drums. I can’t tell if he’s looking out to the crowd or not. I wish he would, even just for a moment. Maybe I’d wave and he’d smile. Liam sings about love being a sure thing and I wish things were that simple.

Moving on should be simple. Picking up the pieces and opening a new door to my life should be easy. So why isn’t it? Why am I second-guessing everything? I sit down and grab another beer. I need to drown my sorrows or at least keep the voices out of my head. I can’t love another man. I just can’t.

For each song the guys play, I drink at least two beers. Too much talk about broken hearts, love, sex and life. Ralph refills the bucket and Josie eyes me. I shouldn’t have come. Listening to them sing is far different from being backstage and working for them. I should be working – that’s what I should be doing – not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

The guys play a few more songs before taking a break. The crowd disperses. I look on as the chick from earlier paws all over Jimmy. He loves it though, so I guess until he finds the right one, he’ll test them all. Men!

Josie sits down next to me, her face red and sweaty from dancing. She pulls out a beer and holds it against her head. I lean into her, my head resting on her shoulder.

“I love you.” My voice is probably too low for her to hear me.

“Are you drunk?”

I look at the bottle caps lined up and nod.

“You’re lucky, you know that.”

“I know, but why do you think so?” she asks as she pops the top and takes a drink.

“He writes songs about you. That new one… I don’t know, it made me think.”

“Are you talking about the first song they played?”

I lift my head a bit too fast. The room spins. Josie nudges my shoulder. When I look at her she’s grinning from ear to ear.

“Liam didn’t write that song,” she says, laughing. “Harrison did.”

“Why would he write a song like that?” I ask confused.

Josie raises her bottle to her lips and drinks. “That boy has a crush.”

“He does? On who?” My heart aches a little knowing he’s found someone. I know I kept blowing him off, but I didn’t expect him to give up so soon and move on.

“Katelyn, are you serious?”

“Yes,” I push out of my thick tongue. I don’t want to cry but my feelings are hurt.

Before Josie can answer me, the guys are sitting at our table. Well, Liam and Harrison are.

“Aren’t you going to play some more?”

“No, short set tonight,” Liam says before he pulls Josie close to him. She says something to him. He eyes me and Harrison and starts laughing. That’s my cue. I’m not going to watch them act like this and I’m sure Harrison wants to hang out with his new girlfriend.

“Well I’m outta here,” I say, pushing my chair back.

“She’s drunk,” Josie blurts out. I roll my eyes and pull out my phone. Harrison leans back, eyeing me up and down.

“I’ll call a cab.” I shake my phone in front of them.

“Why are you leaving?” Liam asks. “It’s still early.”

I wave my hand at him. “Harrison doesn’t want me here.”

Harrison looks up, his eyes sharp. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I shrug and take the last sip of my beer, emptying the bottle. I wave and turn away from them, taking cautious steps toward the door. When I’m outside, I lean up against the wall, letting the cold night wash over me. I’m so stupid to think someone like Harrison would be interested in me. I may be drunk, but I remember the dinner we shared not so long ago. It was nice being there with him and the kids. No expectations, just friends. Just when I think I can take that step to be more to him, he finds someone else.

I roughly wipe tears away from my cheeks and push off the wall. I need to walk. I need to calm down and sober up before going home. This is the second time I’ve gotten drunk because of him and my stupid feelings. I can’t do it anymore.

“Where’re ya going?” He pulls my hand. I turn and fall into him. He catches me, his hand cupping my face. He gently lifts my face. “Why the tears?”

I shrug and look down. I don’t want him to see my tear streaked face. “I’m a sloppy drunk.”

Harrison chuckles. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I happen to enjoy drunk Katelyn.”

“She’s stupid.”

“She’s honest and lets her feelings show.”

“I’m confused.”

“That’s makes two of us,” he says as he lifts my face again and looks at me, his eyes going back and forth.

“You have beautiful eyes.”

“Everything about you is beautiful.”

I step forward and rest my forehead on his chest. He sets his arm around my neck, holding me to him.

“Why did you say I didn’t want you here?” he asks. I was hoping he’d forget, but apparently I haven’t been missing from the table that long.

“I don’t know. Josie told me you wrote that song –”

“Yeah, so?”

“So I thought you’d want to spend time with her,” I whisper. I pull back so I can make a quick escape when he tells he plans to start seeing his crush.

“I am spending time with her.”

I look up immediately to find him smiling down at me.

“Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Harrison leads me into the parking lot. He doesn’t say anything to make me uncomfortable with the situation. I’m not sure how to take what he said, but I do know I’m listening loud and clear. The song that Liam sang tonight is about me, and Harrison wrote it.

I’ve never had a song written about me before and that alone makes me feel loved and nervous all in one. I don’t know what my response
should
be, but I know what’s it’s
going
to be. I can’t continue to fight my feelings. It’s taking far too much effort on my part to deny what my body and heart are telling me. This man… the one with his arm around me protectively has dealt with my bullshit, my hot and cold reactions to him and most importantly, treats my children with the utmost respect. I’d be a fool to walk away from something that could be an eye-opening experience.

I just need to find the words to tell him.

T
he
hot water beats down my neck and back. I roll my head from side to side hoping to loosen the muscles. I think I’m going to start paying someone to mow my own lawn because mowing two twice a week, plus band practice is starting to take its toll. Either that, or my age is finally catching up with me. I can’t give up mowing Katelyn’s yard. It’s worth it just to see her bend over her flowerbed. I have to say she has the finest roses in Beaumont. Not that I’m looking at any other roses, but the preening she’s been doing is starting to show.

I turn the water on hotter and work my muscles. Maybe I need to workout or play the drums more. I definitely need to bring my other set back from Los Angeles when we go. I want to ask Katelyn if she’d like to drive back with me, but I haven’t found the right moment. That would be a huge step in any direction, and while I know I’m ready, I’m not sure she is. But she’s getting there. I can feel it.

Last night was interesting. I’ve never run after a woman before, but seeing Katelyn about to cry and question whether I wanted her there not only confused me, but almost had me standing on the stage proclaiming my undying affection for her. Josie told me that she spilled on the song we played, but did so in an offhanded way because she didn’t want to come right out and say it.

When I found Katelyn outside, I wanted to hold her in my arms and show her how much she means to me. Last night, I saw something in her eyes, in the way she looked at me. I can only hope my instinct is right because if it is, I think I’ll be seeing her a bit more, especially away from the studio.

I’m going to follow my intuition on this one and the next time I see her, I’m going to tell her… I don’t know what, but I’ll say something to her. Maybe that will open her eyes. I’ll let her into my world if she’ll give me one little glimpse of hers. That’s all I ask for.

The water turns cold, effectively shutting off my massage technique. I should make an appointment with a chiropractor or a masseuse. Hell, maybe I can convince Katelyn to put her hands all over my body. That would be enough for me to relax most of my muscles.

I turn off the water and pull the shower curtain back. I step out onto Quinn’s white mat that turns red when it’s wet. It makes it look like you’re bleeding. He likes it. Thinks it’s funny to scare people with. I put my towel over my head and rub my hands back and forth to dry my hair.

When the door swings open, I peek through the small opening of my towel. Katelyn is staring back at me, her mouth dropping open as her eyes travel down my very wet and naked body.

“Oh crap,” she says covering her mouth, but not her eyes. She’s totally checking me out and I’d be an idiot to say it’s not turning me on. I take my time as I step into my sweatpants that no longer tie and hang low on my waist. Yeah, I know what I’m doing. It’s time to play dirty.

“Um…” I start laughing.

“I’m sorry…” Katelyn shakes her head, breaking eye contact with me. “I spilled my coffee and Quinn said you were in the shower— ”

“So you just had to come in and see for yourself?”

“No… um… the uh… upstairs.”

I step forward, pulling her slightly so I can shut the door and lock it. I turn up the volume on my mp3 player so the kids can’t hear us talk. “My shower is being remodeled so I had to use Quinn’s.”

“Makes sense.”

“Why didn’t you run out of here when you saw me?” I ask just loud enough for her to hear me.

“I don’t know,” she whispers, her eyes penetrating into mine. I can’t take it anymore. I lean back against the counter and pull her between my legs. Her hands move up my chest, her fingers coming dangerously close to my nipple ring. I won’t have much resolve left if she was to brush her fingertips over it. I close my eyes, relishing in fact that she’s touching me willingly. Her hands roam up my neck and into my hair. I know what’s coming next and this time I’m not stopping her. I can’t. I need this from her. My towel falls down behind me as she works her fingers in and out of my hair.

“I’ve been wanting to see you like this for a long time.”

“I know.”

“Why do you keep yourself covered from me?”

I open my eyes to find her incredibly close. It won’t take anything for me to capture her lips. “Because I want you to see me for who I am on the inside and not the out. It’s my security.”

“I’m trying.” Those two words are enough for me. I grip her hips and pull her to me. Our lips meet and this time, there’s no hesitation, she wants this as much as I do. Her fingers tug at my hair, giving me a nice image of what she’ll be like when I can really explore her. Her mouth leaves mine, trailing kisses down my jaw to my ear. She rubs against my cock, eliciting a nice long moan from me. I need to be in control here and right now, I’m not. I want to pick her up and wrap her fine legs around my waist and take her. It’d be quick and dirty, but so worth being buried in her.

“Katelyn,” I say huskily as she makes her way back to my mouth. I’m not complaining. This is more than I thought I’d get, but shit, if she doesn’t stop I’m going to be taking another shower.

“Sorry,” she says. She tries to pull away, but I don’t let up my hold on her. I don’t want her to move.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m not. Unless you’re going to tell me this was a mistake.”

Katelyn looks down. My heart drops. Fucking unbelievable. I close my eyes and mentally kick my own ass for being so stupid.

“I’m not going to say that.”

My eyes flick open to find her smiling. She has one hand on my shoulder, the other still playing with hair.

“No? What are you going to say?”

“That I’m trying, Harrison. It’s not going to be easy, and I’ll likely pull away or shut myself off, but after last night… the song and what you said in the parking lot? I owe it to myself and to you to try. I want to try.”

“You think we have something?”

“Yeah, I do. I don’t know what, but the way I feel when I’m around you. The way you hold me when you kiss me, it’s different and unexpected. I can’t wrap my mind around it, but I think about you all the time, and even though I tell myself no, I’m finding it harder and harder to stay away from you.”

I capture her lips with mine. I cup her face and hold her to me. If that’s all I’m getting for now, I’ll take it. My tongue moves against hers in slow movements. Her hands drop to my sides, gripping the waistband of my sweats. If I stand, guaranteed they won’t fall down, they’re tented by the freaking boner I have for her now. I try to move her away from the offender, but she’s not budging. She can feel how much I want her.

I’m not in any hurry to end this kiss. I want to savor every moment so I can dream about her later. I pull away first, reluctantly. I rest my forehead against hers and kiss her nose.

“Want to go grab some lunch after you clean up that coffee mess?”

She looks down at her shirt without making me let her go. Her white shirt has a nice brown stain now.

“I have a shirt you can wear,” I offer excitedly. Seeing her in one of my shirts will no doubt send me over the edge and back into the shower.

“Can we go back to my house so I can change?”

“Of course.”

Now that she’s let me kiss her and hasn’t pulled away and changed her mind, I want to do it more. I take a chance and lean in. She smiles. I smile.

“Mommy?” her smile fades all too quickly for my liking, but I get it.

I move away from her, picking up my t-shirt and putting it on. She watches me dress. I want to tell her that she’s seen me naked and it’s only fair that I see her too, but have a feeling that wall would go right up and I’d be shut out again. So I’ll bite my tongue and wait for drunken Katelyn to return.

She turns the lock and opens the door to a very angry Peyton. She’s standing there in a dark blue football jersey with her hands on her hips.

“What’re you doing?”

“Talking.”

With our lips, I want to add, but bite back my childish comment. The kids don’t need to know what we were doing in the bathroom.

“About what?”

“Adult stuff.”

Peyton raises her eyebrow and all I can think is that Katelyn has got a tough road ahead of her. Peyton is definitely calling the shots right now, and that’s not good.

“We were talking about what you, Elle and Quinn need for Christmas so when we meet with Santa, we can give him the appropriate list.”

Peyton’s mouth drops open and her eyes light up. Katelyn looks at me. I shrug. It used to work with Quinn when he’d get moody.

“Elle, mommy is making the Christmas list,” Peyton yells as she stalks back down the hall.

“Nice save.”

“Whatever works. I’m going to get changed.” I cup her cheek and let my hand linger there for a heartbeat or two. She’s going to have to give me some guidelines because I don’t want to overstep the boundaries that are in place. I know I won’t touch her in front of the kids, but now that I’ve had uninterrupted minutes and feel pretty confident that she’s not running anytime soon, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep my hands to myself when she’s near.

I need to find a resolve.

I
keep my hands buried deep in my pockets as I walk side-by-side next to Katelyn. We stay back while the kids run up ahead of us. Her arm brushes mine, making me wonder if she wants to hold my hand. And as much as I want that, I don’t want to put her in a position of being questioned. She has to know there isn’t a woman alive that can hold a candle to her. She has every ounce of my attention and more.

The kids are jumping up and down when we enter the Fun Palace. This place is a mecca for noise and a money sucking machine. I know Quinn likes this place, he likes to play the games and collect tickets to buy some ridiculous toy that only lasts a few days. Both girls look excited, and I imagine this is some type of relief for them – to be in a kid environment with no stress.

The cashier smiles brightly when we step forward. I feel Katelyn step back into me. I want to wrap my arms around her and rest my head on hers, but I don’t. If she needs to be close to me, if she needs to assert herself, she’s more than welcome. I stand behind her and read the menu board.

“What kind of pizza do you want?”

She turns slightly and looks at me over her shoulder. I wink at her, loving this change. God how bad do I want to kiss her right now? The ache is building, more so now that I know she’s willing to try.

“I like mostly everything, but no onions.”

“Oh yeah, are you planning on kissing someone later?” Please say yes and that his name is Harrison James. She rolls her eyes and smiles. “Pepperoni?”

“That’s fine. The girls like cheese.”

I nod. “I figured as much.”

“Can I help you?” the cashier asks loudly, in her sugary-pitched teenage voice, when I step forward. I suppose she has to speak loudly over the noise in this place.

“We’ll have one large cheese, one large pepperoni and five sodas.”

“And what you would you like for tokens?” she hands me a list. My eyes just about bug out of my head when I see the prices. If my life as a drummer ever ends, I’m opening up one of these places. I look over the list and decide to get the most expensive package. All I can think is that this will afford me a little more privacy with Katelyn while the kids are playing. Or she and I can play and for some reason, the thought of playing a video game with her suddenly sounds extremely sexy.

“I’ll take three of these,” I say as I point the package with three thousand tokens.

“Harrison,” Katelyn sets her hand on my back when she steps forward. “That’s too much.” I look at her and then at the three sets of eyes peering up at me. They all smile at the same time, each of them missing teeth. It’ll never been too much.

I look at Katelyn and hand the cashier my card without breaking eye contact. “It’s worth seeing them smile.”

Her face lights up. She closes her eyes and shakes her head. Her hands cover her eyes briefly before looking back at me. “Thank you,” she whispers.

It’s in that moment that I know I’ll do whatever I can to make this family smile, because it’s so going to be worth it.