My Wife's Li'l Secret (29 page)

Gareth’s paternity results had arrived a while ago, but I didn’t have the strength or nerve to read it. Besides, I had learned that I could not trust myself – I was fickle, unreliable, and unforgiving. Somewhat.

His first birthday was coming up and Liefie was planning a party for him. The house was abuzz with party preparations. I really loved the little scoundrel and I
wanted
him to be mine.

Imagine if he were mine – what a party that would turn out to be, I thought with a smile.

That Friday before his birthday, unbeknownst to Liefie, I found myself seated with Bear and Arena at their home, eyeing a yellow envelope.

“Ready?” Arena asked.

Exhaling loudly, I nodded. “I’m ready to deal with this. Whatever the outcome, I will handle it.”

After taking a deep breath, I opened the envelope, and with two pairs of eyes boring into me, scanned the page.

“What?” Arena asked, an anxious look on her face.

I looked up at my sister, a solemn look on my face. “I have a son!”

It took a few seconds for my sister to process my words, then she exploded. “Ohmygod!” She jumped up from her seat and hugged me.

“Congrats!” Bear said, shaking my hand, then hugging me. “Man, that is good news. Good, good news!”

I couldn’t stop grinning. “I have a son…I have a son.”

“You have a son!” Arena said, doing a jig.

“This
is
good news,” I muttered, my head bobbing. “Fucking brilliant!”

“This is going to be some party,” Bear said, slapping me on the back again.

“Yeah and…?’” I stopped and peered at my ringing phone. It was Bradley.

“Big Mac?” Bradley said, sounding upbeat, or nervous, I couldn’t tell.

“Yeah?”

“You sitting down?”

Those were not the kind of words Bradley used. My mind raced.

It’s about Olga! Cruikshank! They got a pardon! The power of attorney has come under the spotlight.

“What is it?” Arena asked, a look of worry on her face.

With my heart thudding, I slowly sank into a couch. “’Sup, Brad?” My voice was a whisper.

“Got permanent residence for Girly.”

“Wha…?”

“Girly, permanent residence, mate.”

“WHOA!” I jumped to my feet. “Seriously? I mean, are you kidding …?”

“I kid you not! I got it, Big!”

“Wow! That’s …Brad, that’s fucking amazing. Thank you! Thanks so much!”

When I hung up, I turned to Bear and Arena. “Girly’s now a permanent resident, and I have a son; we have to celebrate in a big way! Big’s style!”

“Wow!” Arena said.

Bear grinned and slapped me on the back. “Apples, mate!”

****

I got into my Jeep and raced home to tell both Liefie and Girly the good news.

Girly first. I put my hands on her shoulders. “You still got your Voodoo doll, Girly?”

She frowned at me. “What Voodoo doll? I never do no Voodoo doll. Ever. No.”

“Well, it’s time to throw it away, ’cause you, my lovely Girly, are now a permanent resident in this land called Australia.”

Her bottom jaw sagged and her eyes bulged. She opened and closed her mouth like her overweight goldfish, yet nothing came out of it.

“Girly, you’ll be able to get Medicare,” I said.

Her bottom lip began to wobble and her eyes became watery.

“Now is not the time to go into shock,” I said. “You must prepare to travel, because you are

going to have an Australian passport!”

She started to breathe like she had just run up a flight of steps.

“I’m sending you to Thailand to visit your family, Girly! You will no longer be an illegal, and you no longer have to use –”

Her ear-splitting scream burst both my eardrums. Well, it felt that way.

That’s better, I thought, massaging my ears with my palms. “I think your family heard you in Thailand, Girly.”

She grabbed me and hugged me hard. “Thank you, Pig, thank you!” I expected her to hit me with her signature “Jesus God!”, but to my disappointment, it never came. She released me and started to weep. I let her.

While Liefie hugged Girly, I ran circles around my son, eliciting shrieks of delight from him. I picked him up and gave him a kiss. “I love you.” He squirmed like a giant earthworm in my arms. My mind drifted back to the day we first discovered he was a boy.

“Choose a name,” Liefie had said, taking my hand and placing it over her belly. “I’ve named the girls, so you name him.”

“Eh…how ’bout…Gareth?”

“Gareth? Why…?”

“A guy on our SWAT team, he died during one of our raids, and his death, it made it possible for me to be here. Guess in memory of him?”

She nodded. “Gareth it is. Let’s seal it with a kiss.”

“Dadda!” Gareth said, touching my chin with stubby, sticky fingers and bringing me back to the present.

“Yeah, I’m your dadda, my li’l baba,” I said, kissing his sticky face. “It’s carved in stone.” Holding onto my son, I took hold of Liefie’s arm and led her aside. “I am very thrilled to know I have a son,” I said drawing her close to me.

She peered at me. “Wha…?”

Since I had not informed her that I was conducting a DNA test on our son, I was slightly nervous about her reaction. There was no doubt in my mind she’d be angry that I was that sneaky with my investigation. Even though it would be the pot calling the kettle sneaky, and even though nothing could kill my vibe at that moment, I braced myself for her anger and said, “I took a DNA test and …he’s mine! Gareth is
my
son.”

She squinted at me. “Wh…en?”

I shrugged and drew away from her.
What does it matter?

“Serious?”

I nodded. “Serious! I’m bursting with pride. Thank you.
You
gave me a son, thank you.” I leaned and kissed her forehead, then hugged her.

She appeared to be in shock, but I didn’t care. Then Liefie pushed me away and stared at me, her eyes dancing all over my face. I knew what her question was. She didn’t have to ask.

I shook my head. “I just had Gareth tested. Not the girls.”

A shadow crossed her face, and I couldn’t tell whether she was happy or unhappy about it.

“I don’t want to know about them, Liefie,” I said in a solemn voice.

“But, Ritchie…” she stared at my chest, “maybe you should find...”

“No buts!” I yelled. “We’re going to have a massive party tomorrow! Invite
everyone
! We are having two parties. One during the day for baba here, and one for us at night!”

I turned to look at Girly, who was on the phone. “We are having a party tomorrow night, Girly, and you can invite all of Thailand, I don’t give a fuck! Do it. Invite every illegal you want to. I’m paying!”

“Jesus God!” she said, looking at me as if I had lost my marbles.

I laughed. “I was waiting for that. Jesus God, indeed!”

I turned to Liefie. “Things are gonna get so much better. I feel it in my bones.”

With a sad smile, she looked away.

I jerked her arm. “Organize the party. I have a son! I want to celebrate. I have a son!”

****

That Saturday after Gareth’s party, we held a second bash. People I didn’t know, all Girly’s friends, illegal and legal, took over my house and I couldn’t give a shit.

I was just so happy, I sprung for more food and booze than we needed. I cranked up the music and the dancing began.

I had never seen Girly drunk before, and I never knew she could Gangnam Style it.

She and her hombres – they Gangnam-styled in unison and before long, they dragged us all in to join them. Bear, Arena, Liefie, and I joined in and made asses of ourselves.

To sum it up in Soong’s delightful words, the party was
hundred percent
!

The next morning, when I got up, there were bodies lying all over my house and on my patio. I stumbled over and around them in search of my family.

My kids were playing in the garden with Girly, who was wearing dark glasses and clutching a bottle of water.

I looked around for Liefie. She was nowhere in sight. I looked at the time – 11:07 a.m. Maybe she is gone to the shops, I thought with a frown. Though she’d be pretty tired after last night. Maybe even hung-over. How could she leave so early in the morning?

I called her several times, only to get her voicemail. All four of my texts were ignored.

At around 4 p.m., I got really concerned and called Bear and Arena.

“Do you know where Liefie is?”

“No,” Arena said. “Must be out…shopping?” She sounded equally confused. “Yeah, probably…shopping. I think.”

At 8 p.m. that night, Liefie breezed into our home, hair flying in all directions, eyes bright and shiny, big smile on her face.  “Hello!” she sang, appearing happy and relaxed.

Her denim skirt was short, her strappy top showed a lot of skin, she wore make-up, and her nails were painted pink.  To me she looked like she had been out on a date

And high heels. She was carrying a baby and wearing really high heels.

I waited for her to explain her absence, apologize for not returning my calls, make up several shitty excuses as to why she ignored my texts…

“Have the girls had dinner?” she asked.

That’s it? That’s all you’re going to say?

I peered at her. “Where were you?”

“Out,” she said in a dismissive voice. “What did they eat?”

Girly appeared and they entered into a conversation while I stared at her.

What the hell is Liefie up to? I wondered.

Troubled and a little mad at her, I quietly slipped away, opened my laptop, and accessed our bank account in search of a paper trail. No luck there. Save for a measly fifty dollars she withdrew days ago, I found nothing out of the ordinary. Not even the purchase of a movie ticket.

Maybe I should tail her, I thought.

I thought long and hard about it, then decided against it. Tailing someone, putting them under surveillance, GPS tracking – all that was a thing of the past. I wanted it to end. In all fairness, I had jilted her, and she was living her life. Well, sort of jilted her. I deserved what I got. I shut my laptop and walked over to my window and stared out the dark.

Suddenly, I felt a terrible pain in my chest. I wasn’t having a heart attack; I was missing my wife. So much so that I found myself wanting to take her out to dinner. As I wasn’t sure how I
really
felt about her, and I didn’t want to get her hopes up and bring on a whole lot of drama again, I was tactful in my approach.

“You guys want to go to dinner?” I knew the kids had already eaten, so I hoped it would be just the two of us. “I’m in the mood for a giant steak, with chips and sauce and…”

“The kids have already eaten, remember?” Liefie said without looking at me.

“Oh.” My lips curled downward. “Have
you
eaten?” I asked, my voice expectant.

“Eh, yeah. Earlier on.” Again that dismissive voice. “I’m going to bed,” she said. “It’s been a long day.” She stretched her arms high over her head, giving me a glimpse of her breasts.

How I missed her softness, her warm, pliant body under me, her delightful laugh, looking into her eyes as we made love…

I think it was loneliness.

What’s worse than being single and alone?

Being married and alone.

It sucked.

****

“Ritchie, Bear and I need to speak to you,” Arena said in a solemn voice.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

“’Bout…what?”

“Stuff. Can you come over or can we meet for lunch?” When my sister spoke in monosyllables, I knew I was in deep shit about something.

“Mm. Okay.”

We met for lunch at a local steakhouse that served the best steak around.

“How are things with you and Liefie?” Arena asked, moving her salad around her plate, her voice cautious.

I stabbed at my Porterhouse steak and tried to think of a million little lies to shovel at her. But it was Arena I was talking to, and she was way too smart for that.

“Arena, I want to make a go of things,” I said in a measured voice. “I know that the children would benefit and I know I should put their happiness first, because they are so little and they need Liefie and she is the best mother on earth, second to you, but…I can’t get past her…” I rolled my wrist in the air. “I don’t know how to fix it, Arena.”

“Okay, Ritchie, so you
don’t
want to patch things up with her then?”