Naked in Havana (23 page)

“I don’t love you, Angel.”

“What?”

“Even if I did still love you, you’re married now and I’m old fashioned about these things. But the fact is, I think you’re a coward and a user. It’s over. Do you understand?”

He stared at me, his eyes dull.

“Do you understand? I don’t care anymore.”

I remembered what Reyes had said:
You know why you chase that boy? Because you’ll never have him. That’s his attraction. While you’re running after him, you’re in control.
He was right. I didn’t want Angel; all this time I just couldn’t stand the thought of someone else having him. It was all about my pride in the end.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you that bad,” I said, and I stood up and went back to the party. I looked back just once. Angel cupped his balls in both hands, leaned to the side and retched.

I didn’t even feel sorry for him anymore.

When I got back to the reception I couldn’t see Papi. Finally I found him sitting on his own in a corner. He looked pale. “Are you all right, Papi? You’re sweating.”

“You keep disappearing, cariña.”

“There was a queue in the bathrooms. Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

Now Ramon appeared and he looked worried, too. “I looked everywhere for you,” he said to me. “Your father’s ill, I think.

“Can you drive?”

“Sure I can drive.”

“Go and see the busboys out the front, get them to bring the Bel Air around. I’ll meet you there.”

I helped Papi to his feet. People stared at us, they thought he was drunk. A couple of his friends asked us if I needed help but I said no. I just wanted to get him out of there with as little fuss as possible.

I walked him past the shops and the casino to the foyer. As we waited for the car I felt his weight on my shoulder. It was the first time he had ever leaned on me. It scared me, he had always seemed so indomitable before.

“Where is that boy with our car?” he said.

His face was white and I thought he was going to collapse. Finally the valet drove up with the Bel Air. Ramon helped me get Papi into the back seat then jumped behind the wheel.

“Sorry I spoiled your night,” Papi said.

“Just let’s get you home,” I said.

When we got to Vedado, Ramon helped me get him into the house and up to his bedroom. Maria shooed us both out and put him to bed. Ramon wanted to stay and help but I thanked him and told him there was nothing more he could do. It was an abysmal end to a horrible day.

Chapter 30

A little while after Doctor Mendes left I heard Papi arguing with Maria in the bedroom.

“The doctor said you were to stay in bed,” Maria said.

“The doctor would like everyone to stay in bed, then he can charge them another fee to tell them to get out of it. I don’t need a man old enough to be my grandfather to tell me when I can and when I can’t get up. Now get me a bottle of Santiago and my cigar box. Who’s running this house?”

A little while later I found him sitting on the patio in his pyjamas, smoking one of his favourite Cohiba cigars. He fumbled inside the pyjama pocket for a small medicine bottle, shook out a tiny pink pill and swallowed it down with a mouthful of rum. Probably not exactly how Mendes had prescribed it.

I kissed him on the forehead and sat down.

“Don’t start lecturing me,” he said.

“No, Papi.”

I think he was surprised by my sudden obedience. He tapped on the edge of his glass with his fingernail. “Thank you for getting me home. I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.

“Same for me.”

He reached down to pet Rafa, an old habit, then remembered he wasn’t there anymore.

“I spoke to Angel.”

“To congratulate him on his wedding and offer him your sincere good wishes for his future happiness and good health?”

“Of course. They were my exact words.”

“Good.”

“He seems to think we’re moving to Miami.”

“I’ve spoken to a few people about selling this house.”

“Why, Papi? You said you’d never leave Cuba.”

“It’s all over here, cariña. These people don’t just want the casinos, they want to run the whole damned country. Whoever wins this war, Cuba’s finished.”

“Are you going to talk to Lansky?”

He nodded. “I have to. You can’t win against these people. They’re barbarians.”

I had never seen him look so old. He poured himself another glass of rum.

“Do you think it was Lansky who bombed the Left Bank?”

“Who knows? Maybe.” His cigar had gone out. He relit it. “I saw you talking to Señor Reyes tonight.”

“I wanted to thank him again for what he did to help me.”

“It’s unlike Señor Reyes to do anything for anyone and not want a percentage.” He watched me and I knew what he was thinking.

“He’s not like that with me,” I said.

“You can’t trust a man like that. Promise me you won’t see him again.”

“I promise,” I said, all too easily. I remembered what Papi said about being like my mother. I would always do what I wanted, no matter what promises I had made, and then find a way to justify it later. I liked to think it was my strongest quality.

It was also my worst.

Chapter 31

Los Nortes,
the north winds,
brought big surf down from the Gulf and sent it foaming high over the sea wall. Despite the blockade Havana started to prepare for the Christmas season. The El Encanto department store advertised “Nordic pines just unloaded from freezing ships” for 85 cents a foot; children’s train sets filled the shop windows, selling “at Miami prices.” Santa Clauses rang bells and collected small change for the U.S. Salvation Army. The weather obligingly turned a little cooler.

I took a taxi to the hospital. The only vehicles in the street now were blue and white police cars and the olive-green Oldsmobiles of the SIM. You could feel the tension in the air. It wasn’t panic, not yet. It felt like there was a storm coming, everyone was tense, knowing the change was coming and wondering just how bad it was going to be.

Inocencia sat in a wheelchair in the garden, a blanket over her legs, or what was left of them. She smiled when saw me. She looked forward to my visits, she said.

I went to see her whenever I could, and sometimes we talked about what she would do when she left the hospital. She said she would become a full-time music teacher. It would not pay as well as being a
bolerista
but at least she wouldn’t have to beg on the street.

“And Reyes would never let that happen anyway,” she said. “You know he pays all my medical bills?”

I said I didn’t know but it didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t surprised by anything he did.

“How long have you known him?” I asked her.

“It seems like forever, he’s been in and out of my life so many times. I always knew he never loved me in that way...you know how I mean. People say he’s a bad man but he’s never been a bad man to me, he just never loved me like I wanted him to.”

“He says to me that he can’t stay away from me, that we’re fated to be together, but then he goes away and I don’t see him for weeks. It’s all just a line, isn’t it?”

She shrugged. For the moment I couldn’t read the look on her face.

“Isn’t it?”

“I never knew him to be dishonest, not with me, not with any woman. So if he tells you he loves you then you’d best believe him because I would have done anything to make him say that to me.”

Suddenly I knew what that look was: she was jealous of me.

“If he can’t get what he wants without saying something he doesn’t mean, then he won’t take it. He has too much pride. That much I do know about him.”

“But he could have any woman.”

“It’s a funny thing, sometimes you meet someone, and no matter how wrong it is, no matter how hard you fight it, you cannot get this person out from under your skin. It was like that for me with him. And I do believe it is like that for him with you.”

“But why?”

“Who knows why? It’s something you don’t ever find out till much further down the road, when they either break your heart or save your soul. But there’s always a reason, depends whether you have the courage to hold on and find out what it is.”

This wasn’t what I had expected to hear her say.

“He doesn’t love me,” I said.

“You sure about that now?”

I shook my head. “No, I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

She closed her eyes and smiled. “Reyes liked to listen to me sing. He said I had the voice of an angel in heat.” She laughed. “What a thing to say to a woman! But much as I loved him, I could not get in time with him. When we danced I kept stepping on his toes and he stepped on mine. Now he can’t do that anymore, I should be grateful.”

I put a hand on hers by way of comfort, even though I supposed nothing was any comfort at all.