It was
something different. Something nameless.
Erin knew
better than to expect Seth to break down in gushing adoration of their
daughter.
He cared for
her. Cared for them both. And he had come back.
It was enough.
Her smile
widened as she gazed up at him. She knew she must be almost at the end of her
ability to think clearly because she had the ridiculous urge to hug him.
Then Erin
noticed his hands. Strong, patrician hands, which were normally skillful and
relaxed.
They were now
clenched into fists at his sides.
She blinked up
at him. “Seth?”
He turned his
head to where Liz sat staring at the two of them curiously. “Would you mind if
I talk to Erin for a minute?” he asked softly. “Alone.”
Liz’s eyebrows
shot up to her hairline, but she glanced over at Erin, who nodded. Then Liz
shrugged and flounced out, muttering something about how she needed to take a
shower anyway. “I’ll be back in a half-hour or so.”
With one last
suspicious look at Seth, Liz left the room.
Erin moved
their daughter away from her breast—since she hadn’t seemed to be interested in
eating anymore anyway—and then adjusted the little pumpkin so that Seth could
get a better view.
She was feeling
a little nervous, for some reason she didn’t understand. It was probably just
the aftermath of all the labor. “You didn’t get to see your little girl.”
Seth lowered
himself into the chair Liz had just vacated. “I know.”
“Do you want to
hold her?” It was a great effort to be so generous, but Erin offered.
“She looks
comfortable where she is.”
This gave Erin
a sharp pang of worry, but she stifled it. There was no reason to manufacture
problems or to overreact to minor incidents. He’d had a really long night and
day himself. Maybe he wasn’t up to too much bonding at the moment.
Erin
repositioned the baby, who after a few false starts latched on again and gave a
few strong sucks.
She looked up
to see that Seth was staring, and she shifted uncomfortably. “Well, at least
say hi to her.”
He hadn’t
wanted to say hi before, before the baby was born, but surely he would now, even
if he wasn’t in a bonding mood.
Seth didn’t
respond immediately. Then he relaxed his hands. Reached out and pushed the
blanket away with one of his fingers until he’d freed one tiny hand.
Pressed into
the little palm with his fingertip.
Erin saw their
daughter’s fragile fingers instinctively curl around his larger one.
“Hi,” Seth said
softly.
Then he drew
his hand back. “Do you know what you’re going to name her yet?”
“No. Not yet.”
The corner of
his mouth turned up. “You can’t call her the pumpkin forever.”
She readjusted
the baby in her arms and rubbed her back the way the nurse had showed her. “I
know. I’ll think of something soon.”
They sat in
silence for a minute.
Seth’s face was
as guarded as ever, but the same strange urgency she’d seen before had
reignited in his eyes.
Finally, she
asked, “What did you want?”
He didn’t
answer immediately.
Erin felt
herself trembling. She didn’t know if it was from rising anxiety or just a
reaction from the birth. She waited, her mouth getting dryer and dryer.
Finally, Seth
began, “I never thought I would have a child, for any number of reasons. My background,
my work, and my lifestyle all conflict with a typical domestic life.”
Erin relaxed a
little. She had no idea why he was saying this, but it didn’t seem as bad as
she’d thought.
“When I found
out about her...” He paused, looking down at his daughter, who was making
burbling noises and waving her hand. “…it was difficult for me. More difficult
than you know. In the past, whenever I started to get too close to someone, I
would get scared and walk away. And I didn’t want to blow it with this.”
“I know that. I
figured as much.”
Seth rubbed a
hand through his hair distractedly. “I’ve tried to do this as you wanted. To be
involved to a convenient extent, to let you take control of it, and to not
demand more than you’re willing to give.”
“I know. I
really appreciate it. I was scared at first about how you would act, but I’m
not scared anymore. I want you to be involved now.” She was kind of embarrassed
by the earnestness of her words, but she wanted to make sure he knew this. “I
want
it. I trust you.”
Something
faltered on his face, but only for a moment. His expression returned to its
tight control. “The only way I could do it—be involved only to a certain
extent—was to do this halfway, to keep myself distant enough from...everything.”
Erin gazed at
him fondly. She still didn’t know why or what Seth was saying, but she melted
at this sign of his opening up to her for real. He obviously wasn’t enjoying it.
He looked stiff and uncomfortable, and what he was saying she’d already known.
But the point
was that he was telling her.
Seth added,
“That’s why I went to Seattle instead of staying here.”
Erin jerked her
head up, jarring her daughter, who gave a couple of indignant gurgles. “You
said you couldn’t reschedule things.”
“I couldn’t. Everything
I told you was true, but it wouldn’t have stopped me if I’d really wanted to be
here.” He sighed tiredly. “It was a last ditch effort to distance myself
appropriately.”
Erin had
relaxed as he’d continued his explanation. She was so tired, and the room was
still kind of a blur. But, at his last words, she smiled. “It must not have
worked.”
Seth had been
staring at their daughter. “No. I had to come back.”
There was
another long pause, and Erin adjusted the baby up against her shoulder, since
she was apparently through with eating.
Finally, she
asked, “Why did you leave the room before?”
“I realized
something.”
Waiting for the
rest of his answer in the silence, Erin was flooded with anxiety again. This
was important. She knew it. And she didn’t think she had the energy to deal
with it.
“I can’t do
this anymore,” Seth concluded, his words tight, clipped, almost cool. “I can’t
do this halfway.”
A sudden lump
in Erin’s throat almost choked her, and she held her baby a little tighter for
comfort. “Okay.” When her voice cracked, she cleared her throat. “I understand.
It was always your choice. You don’t have to be involved...with her...if you
don’t want to.” Erin looked down at the little face in the blanket.
Her face crumpled
briefly on the last words, but she managed to pull herself together pretty
quickly.
She wasn’t
going to cry over this. She wasn't. She’d always known it could happen.
She would be
fine. She had her pumpkin, and most of her strongholds were still in place.
Seth owed her
nothing.
He leaned
forward in his chair. “You don’t understand, Erin. I’m not giving up. I can’t
do this
halfway
” His eyes caught and held hers. “I want to do it all the
way.”
The sudden
shift from her expectations was so abrupt that Erin just blinked. “What?”
“I want all of
it.”
She felt so
weak, so confused.
And she
panicked, all of her old fears spiraling up with terrifying force. She pulled
her baby away from Seth in instinctive defense. “Well, you can’t have her.”
A brief, tense smile
flickered on his face. “Erin, I’m not going to take her away from you.”
“I don’t
understand.”
“When I say I
don’t want to do this halfway, it’s not just about her. It’s about you.” His
eyes were deep and speaking, but one of his hands was clenched at his side. “I
want you as much as I want her.”
Erin froze,
felt like the universe had just left her behind.
Nothing made
sense anymore.
Finally she asked,
“What do you mean? We had it all worked out. We had your involvement laid out
practically and reasonably.”
“We did.” He
reached out and put a hand on her forearm. “But things have changed.”
It was like a
nightmare. Not one with monsters but one with utter chaos. Random,
unexplainable events were happening around her, and she couldn’t predict or
control any of them.
The baby
started to fuss, and, while she got her settled down, Erin tried to slow her
own breathing and think clearly.
When she didn’t
respond, Seth finally prompted, shifting slightly in his chair, “Don’t you feel
it too?”
“Feel what?”
He looked from Erin’s
face to the baby in her arms. “Don’t you feel that we should...we should be
together?”
She’d never
heard him sound so stilted and inarticulate, and she had no idea what to do
with it.
She almost
giggled with the baffling insanity of it. “I see. Since the baby has been born,
it’s time for the heartfelt proposal and the union of the happy, little
family.”
It was a silly,
thoughtless thing to say in a serious conversation, but she’d meant it as a
sarcastic joke, hoping to cut some of the tension. She certainly hadn’t
intended to hurt him.
Wasn’t able to
even fathom that he might be serious.
But a fleeting,
broken look on his rigid face made her stomach drop. “What? Seth, you can’t be
serious!”
He didn’t
respond with words, but she saw the answer on his face.
So she kept
talking, rolling with the momentum of her shock, her confusion, and her
absolute disbelief: “You’ve finally decided that you want to really love our
daughter, and you think
this
is the best response? For us to get
together? Why? Why?”
And, suddenly, she
remembered Marcus and all the times he’d turned the tables on her. Making
decisions without her and leaving her helpless in the wake of them.
She said, “I
see. This is about control."
“It is
not
,”
Seth objected roughly, holding his back rigidly straight. “I am not your
ex-husband. Stop hitting me over the head with that. It’s not about control. It’s
about not holding myself back anymore.”
Erin was
panicking again, bombarded with both confusion and rising resentment. He’d
spent months keeping his opinions to himself, and now he was dumping this
absurdity on her out of the blue.
Seth couldn’t
change the rules on her at this point. They’d had it all worked out.
She'd just
decided she was happy.
“You don’t have
to hold yourself back,” she said. “
Don’t
hold back. I don’t believe in
caring for someone halfway either. But caring for things doesn’t mean having
them under your thumb.”
“I said we
should be together. Not that you’d be under my thumb.”
She stopped
trying to understand the bitter ironies in the universe. Just let the words fly
out of her mouth. “So, what? We get together? And I’d do what exactly? Live
with you? Marry you? Raise your daughter and be Mrs. Seth Thomas?”
It felt like
something was tearing inside of her, and the feeling was almost worse than the
physical pain she’d suffered today. “Just so you can feel comfortable with your
new feelings and have the situation once again under your control? What’s in it
for me, exactly?”
“You understand
what I’m saying, right? I’m not talking about a marriage of convenience here. It
doesn’t even have to be a marriage.” He paused, looked at her and breathed
heavily for a moment. “I just want you. And her.” His eyes flickered down to
his daughter.
Erin couldn’t
do this. It was too much. She wasn’t ready for it. Any of it.
She just wanted
all of it to stop.
“I don’t
understand. Where is this coming from, Seth? I know we’ve gotten closer lately.
And that’s good—I’m so glad. But it’s never been romantic. And now the baby
appears and you want to suddenly—”
“It’s not
sudden.” He bit the words out, as if he too wanted all of this to have never
happened. As if he wanted to be anywhere but here.
“Well, it feels
sudden to me. And you just spring it on me like this? Expect me to fall into
your arms? Why exactly? Because you blurt out that you want us to be together?”
He shook his
head and looked away from her. “You can take all the time you need to decide.”
“Decide
what
?
Seth, why are you doing this? Things were going so well between us, and now
you’re messing everything up.” Her daughter was staring at her curiously as Erin
snapped out her final words. “Our relationship isn’t romantic.”
Seth was silent
a really long time. When he finally looked back at her face, his eyes were
shuttered completely. “My mistake. I had thought you were starting to—”
“To
care
about you,” Erin interrupted. “Yes. I do. You’re so important to me now. But, Seth,
we’re not
a couple
.”
He wasn’t
looking at her anymore. Or at their daughter. He stared at the floor, and his
entire body was rigidly tense. “My mistake. I misunderstood.”
Erin realized
that she had hurt him. Really hurt him. “Seth, I’m sorry,” she began, her voice
softer and gentler. “I never thought—”
He shook his head.
“Don’t.”
She stopped
talking. Held her squirming baby and tried to think of what she could say to
fix this.
The silence
between them was long and awkward and heavy.
Until their
daughter smacked her lips.
Erin looked
down at the noise, and her expression softened automatically.
Today had
lasted forever, and it didn't seem fair that she'd been hit with all of this at
once.
She loved her
little pumpkin so much.
Didn’t know how
everything had just fallen apart.
Seth was now
looking down at the baby too. “Erin,” he said at last, his voice low and as
hard as granite. “Erin, I can’t do this halfway anymore.”