“No.”
For some
reason, his response made her chuckle. “Liar. I’ve seen you drunk, remember? It’s
not something I’d readily forget.”
“Did you call
me up just to mock me?”
Suppressing
another laugh, she made an attempt to soothe his ruffled feathers. “No. I just
don’t like to be lied to. You’re a grown man. You can drink if you want. And,
if you’re stressed out about all this, then that’s fine too. If
I
could,
I might occasionally drink myself into a stupor too.”
“I had a couple
of glasses of Scotch. I have not drunk myself into a stupor.”
“Right,” Erin
agreed, smiling into the phone. “You’re particularly lucid tonight. Just like
you were before.” She paused for a moment. Then said carefully, “I know you
didn’t plan on this whole thing and you were just hit with it without warning. You
don’t have any obligation to be involved, you know.”
Seth’s voice
was gravelly when he replied, “We’ve already agreed. My involvement is clearly
specified. You can’t try to talk me out of it now.”
“I’m not trying
to.” She realized in surprise that it was true. She didn’t even
want
to
talk him out of it anymore. “Don’t get huffy. I just don’t want you to do it
out of a sense of guilt and then brood about it. I’m perfectly capable of
handling this on my own.”
He didn’t
answer immediately. Then he pronounced very distinctly, “I’m involved to the
extent I want to be involved. I will tell you if that changes.”
“Right. Good
then.”
To her own
surprise and confusion, her primary reaction was relief.
Which was the
strangest thing, considering how much less complicated it would be if Seth
would just back out completely.
“In that case,”
she continued, her voice considerably lighter, “You go right back to brooding
darkly with your Scotch. I won’t bother you anymore.”
Seth muttered
something unintelligible—although it definitely sounded bad-tempered—and after
a mumbled goodbye, he hung up.
Erin was
chuckling when she put down the phone and rolled off the couch. He hadn't
really been drunk. She wondered if he was more worried than he acted about
being a father. Wondered why it would bother him so much, since he wasn’t the
one who would have to raise the baby.
Although,
thinking about how wretched his own upbringing had been, he had reason enough
to be conflicted about having a child. Just the idea of family must be hard for
him to wrap his mind around.
He’d been alone
for so long.
Feeling suddenly
glum, she got up to go to the bathroom. As she was washing her hands
afterwards, she peered at herself in the mirror.
Even in her
pajamas and with messy hair, she realized that she looked pretty damned good.
Who would have
thought?
She wore a
green tank top, and her breasts were distinctly visible through the fabric. They’d
definitely gotten fuller, and she admired the lush curves of them with an
ironic kind of pleasure. There was a strip of her belly showing between the
tank top and the waistband of her flannel pajama pants. Her belly was starting
to poke out a little, but she still wore her normal clothes.
She didn’t
think people just looking at her would know she was pregnant.
When she got to
the point that everyone who saw her knew she was pregnant, Erin wondered if
then she would finally start to connect with the reality of what was happening
inside her.
She knew it, of
course. Had accepted it and was building her whole future around it now.
But she still
felt a little...disconnected.
She rubbed her
belly slowly. Tried to understand that there was really a baby in there.
Gave up after a
few minutes since she didn't feel any differently.
Focusing
instead on what was more concrete, she studied herself in the mirror. She
actually looked really sexy. Even her skin was glowing the way people always
said it would.
Too bad no one was
around to appreciate her gorgeousness.
She felt a
little edgy and restless. Wondered if it was simply because she was still
hungry.
Then, as she
was washing her face, she realized what it was.
She wanted to
go out. On a date.
The problem was
finding someone to date. Interested men hadn’t been excessively available a few
months ago. And, now that she was pregnant, they would likely be even harder to
find.
Sighing, she
left the bathroom, giving her radiant reflection one last look.
Feeling sexy
wasn’t all the exciting if you were the only one around to enjoy it.
***
The following week, Erin was changing
clothes after work when she remembered to catch up on her voice mail.
There was the
daily message from her father—he called her at least once a day now.
And then there
was a message from Liz. “Hey,” came her familiar voice on the recorded message,
“It’s me. And Seth, the asshole, has been checking you out. Call me.”
That was all. Just
like Liz. Say something so utterly provocative, and then just leave her
hanging.
Confused and a
little anxious at what this might mean, Erin called Liz back immediately. “What
are you talking about?” she demanded, as soon as she heard her sister pick up.
Liz’s voice sounded
very pleased with herself. She worked as a staff reporter at a local newspaper,
and she always sounded this way when she'd uncovered an interesting story. “He
got some sort of agency to do a full-fledged background check on you, and
they’ve been digging up all kinds of information on you.”
Erin felt
suddenly breathless. “How do you know?”
“Lisa Curtis
called today and told me someone was asking around about you. So I did some checking.”
Her heart
drummed wildly, and she felt a little sick. "Well, I can understand. When
he first found out, he would want to cover his bases—”
"Nope. Just
this weekend, they were talking to Mrs. Brown. You know, Dad’s neighbor? And
they were asking her about Dad, not even about you. This is way more than
covering his bases."
Erin sighed
deeply. She wasn’t really surprised. Just surprisingly disappointed. She’d
finally started to believe that Seth was genuinely interested in just being
involved, without taking control and without an underlying agenda.
But she knew
better than to have unwarranted faith in people.
“Yeah,” Erin
replied resignedly. “Thanks for telling me.”
Erin sat down
on the edge of her bed after they’d hung up and thought about it.
Got angrier and
angrier until she had to act.
She reached for
the phone. Then changed her mind.
Got up, put on
her shoes, and grabbed her coat.
Marcus used to
do things behind her back too. Make plans. Make decisions. Not tell her until
it was too late. It was another way to control her.
A year into
their marriage, she’d started volunteering at a community center, mostly for
something constructive to do with her time, and she’d begun to take the lead in
organizing a big book drive. He’d surprised her with a two week vacation to
Europe, having planned the whole thing without consulting her and telling her
only on the morning they were supposed to fly out. She couldn’t do the book
drive, obviously, since she was gone the two weeks she would have needed to plan
it.
Everyone
thought she had the best husband in the world.
She couldn’t
let it happen again. She couldn’t even let it start.
So she needed
to find out what Seth was doing. Right now. For sure.
He was going to
give her an explanation.
***
When Erin arrived at Seth’s apartment
building, she was made to wait down in the lobby for a few minutes while the
doorman called up to see if she was allowed in.
Apparently, Seth
was home tonight and was willing to see her.
He met her in
the entry hall, wearing a slightly wrinkled dress shirt and a pair of black
trousers. He’d evidently taken off his tie and suit jacket, as well as his
shoes and socks.
For some
reason, the sight of his bare feet made her chest clench.
Staring at her
in astonishment, Seth demanded, as soon as she entered, “Is everything all
right?”
“No, it’s not.
I came over to see why you were spying on me.” Her voice wasn’t particularly
loud or heated, but it was certainly abrupt.
“What?”
“All the
information you’ve dug up on me, all those people they’ve talked to, asking
about me. And about my innocent
dad
! I could maybe understand looking
into some basic background information when you first found out about the
pregnancy, but
this
is going too far.”
Seth’s face
changed. “I see. Of course, you're angry. Would you like to come in and talk
about it?”
And that
question, combined with his placid expression, was perhaps the most infuriating
thing he could have said. “No, I would not! I want some answers.”
He seemed to
have recognized her state of mind because his next response was much less
maddening. “Yes, I’ve been investigating you.”
Erin unclenched
her jaw slightly. At least he was admitting it.
Then he added,
“Are you surprised?”
She took a
couple of deep breaths, remembered that she had resolved to be reasonable and
not jump to any conclusions. She clearly wasn’t succeeding in that endeavor
very well, so she tried even harder to force her confusion and panic down. “Not
surprised but really offended. You’ve been pretending to accept the pregnancy,
all the while going behind my back. Plotting and scheming who knows what.”
Her voice got
too shrill at the end—another sign that she was too emotional. She had to get
her fears under control. She didn’t have the answers yet, and everything wasn’t
falling apart just because of this one thing.
“What do you
think I’m plotting and scheming about?” Seth asked, looking genuinely curious.
His calm made
her feel even more out of control. ‘I don’t know. That’s the problem. It’s
enough that you’ve underhandedly violated my privacy. I would have willingly
told you anything you wanted to know. I don’t have any deep, dark secrets.”
“I’m starting
to believe that, and I’m at the point of calling an end to the investigation.
But this is a risky situation for me. I had to be careful. You understand that
I can’t let myself get used.”
“Neither can
I.”
They stared at
each other for a minute, neither backing down from the silent confrontation.
Until, finally,
Seth gave her that adorable half-smile. “I guess we’re at an impasse then.
Unless we can start to trust each other a little.”
Erin frowned
deeply, for some reason feeling slightly less panicked. He wasn’t acting like a
man who was trying to manipulate and control her—at least not in this. "I
was
starting
to trust you, but then I found out about all of this. Seriously,
I can understand that you’d want to be careful and look into my background—to
begin with. But what the hell are you still expecting to find?”
“I don’t know. That’s
why I still feel compelled to look. But, as I said, I’m beginning to conclude
that you are what you seem to be and that this situation simply happened.”
“It did. How
many times do I have to say so? I’m not interested in marrying you, and I don’t
want your damned money.”
Seth almost
smiled. “Good to know.”
She was feeling
a little better, but she still had a knot of anxiety in her gut. She tried to
decide whether his explanation was an appropriate one, or if she still had
legitimate grounds for holding onto her indignation.
Before she
could decide, he continued, “What did you think I was trying to do?”
“I told you.”
“But what
purpose could I have had? Besides merely seeking out information.”
Erin was
annoyed by his composed coherence, even in the midst of a confrontation. She
wished she could be so cool about everything. Especially this. Because now she
had to try to articulate certain anxieties she’d never fully acknowledged to
another person.
Clearing her
throat, she began, “You could be trying to...to take control of things.”
“You’ve already
told me that wasn’t going to happen.”
Erin gaped at
him, forgetting her hesitation in the absurdity of his response. "Are you
kidding me? I’m one person, and you’re
you
. How much power do you think
I’d realistically have if you decided you wanted to...”
Her voice
trailed off, realizing she’d said more than she should have, but at this point
she didn’t even care. She put a hand on her belly. For the first time, she felt
a stab of maternal, protective instinct. She met his eyes, defying anyone—even Seth
Thomas—to try to snatch this away from her.
Seth stared at
her with his mouth opened slightly. “You actually think I might try to take
your baby away from you? And what? Try to raise it myself?”
All of her rising
momentum dropped all at once. “Well,” she muttered, “it sounds dumb when you
say it like that, but how am I supposed to know what you might do?”
“You know me
well enough. You think I’d do something like that?”
Erin felt an
uncomfortable tightness in her heart but spoke the truth without wavering. “I
knew you years ago, and you didn’t show yourself to be a very good guy. Am I
supposed to just naively believe that you’re perfectly safe and trustworthy now?
At the risk of myself and...and my child? I’ve dealt with controlling men
before. I told you about my ex. It wasn’t just something he did in bed.”
“Yeah. But I’m
not him. I’m involved in this to the extent that I want to be involved. That’s
the truth. I’m not going to take the baby away from you in
any
way.” He
paused, and his eyes were infinitely speaking. “You have my word, however much it
means to you.”