Nameless Series Boxed Set (57 page)

Pushing that
constant, niggling anxiety out of her mind, Erin went into the master bathroom
and drew herself a hot bath.

She’d been taking
a lot of baths lately, after the girls went to bed.

Most of the
time, she didn’t have anything else to do.

She loved her
daughters more than anything. Wouldn’t trade them for the world.

But sometimes
she was still so, so lonely.

Even when Seth
had been in town this year, he didn’t really seem to be with them the way he
used to. She knew he was horribly stressed by added responsibilities at work.
His prestigious law firm had branches all over the country, and it had recently
expanded internationally. For months, he’d been traveling and working longer
hours than he had since they’d gotten together. Even when he was home, he was
often distracted and would lock himself up in his office for hours.

She knew he
loved her and the girls. Never doubted it. But she’d been sensing things going
downhill for a long time now, and she couldn’t seem to do anything to stop it.

She didn’t like
to think about that either, since it prompted a lurking awareness in her gut
that she was still pretending didn’t exist.

Sinking into
the bubbly water, she tried to concentrate on what was good. She had a husband
who loved her. Two of the sweetest, prettiest, smartest daughters imaginable. A
life of ease and privilege. Could buy anything she wanted. Didn’t have to work.
Didn’t have a career. Didn’t have to do anything but sit around a luxurious
apartment and bask in having absolutely no life outside of her children and a
husband who was never around. Didn’t even have to pretend to look for a
job—although sometimes she did, in a futile attempt to act like she had
something that was purely her own.

She had
everything any woman could want…didn’t she?

She soaked in
the hot water of the large jetted tub until the heat had finally dissipated and
her fingers were starting to prune.

Seth still hadn’t
called.

She got out of
the tub, put on her pajamas, lay in bed, and pretended to read a current
bestseller. Kept waiting for the phone to ring.

By midnight,
she had to resign herself to the fact that Seth wasn’t going to call tonight
after all. He wouldn’t call after midnight, even if he wanted to. He’d be
afraid she was asleep and wouldn’t want to wake her up.

Sometimes she
tried to call him. She hadn’t gotten through to him directly in almost two
weeks. When he was really busy, he didn’t answer his phone so the calls were
transferred to his assistant. Eventually Erin got tired of leaving messages
with the cool, snotty woman, so she no longer called unless she had something
substantial to say.

Putting down
the book and turning off the light, she got under the covers of the big,
luxurious bed. Felt small and stupid by herself in it, the expanse of Seth’s
side torturing her with its empty presence.

She was
thirty-three years old, and she felt ancient, and exhausted, and insignificant,
and of no use to anyone but her children.

Determined not
to sulk, she tried to distract herself. Since she was physically restless and
jittery—a fairly common sensation recently when she was alone in her bed at
night—she sorted through her mental collection of erotic fantasies. Ended up
visualizing an evening on her honeymoon with Seth. One she could never forget.

Since they’d
married just before Anna’s birth, they hadn’t gotten a chance to have a real
honeymoon until after Anna had turned one. Then they’d left the kids with her
father and Stella and had gone for a week to Hawaii, since Erin had never been.

One evening,
they had gotten into an elevator of a high rise, one with a glass wall so they
could look out over the coastline as they ascended. Then the elevator had stopped
suddenly. Erin had assumed the elevator was stuck, and she had actually been
nervous about being trapped.

Until Seth had
started to position her, gently pushing her forward so that she was facing the
glass wall. Then he’d pressed his body up against her back. He’d taken her like
that, hard and fast and dangerous, in a stopped elevator in a lavish high rise,
as Erin had stared down with wild eyes at the lush stretches of sky and sea and
sand. She’d come so hard she been stifling screams, her skirt bunched up around
her hips, her hands clawing at the smooth surface of the glass, Seth pushing
into her rhythmically from behind and speaking the most erotic, thick mutters
into her ear.

She’d later
found out that he had gotten the key from the building manager to stop the
elevator on purpose.

After
reimagining the memory for several minutes, Erin was hot and deeply aroused,
with no other source of relief but her hand.

She used it, as
she’d used it nearly every night since Seth had been gone. She seemed to be
hornier than ever this year, while ironically having no outlet for her surge of
hormones since Seth was seldom around.

After she’d
rubbed herself into a quick, efficient orgasm—not a very satisfying one—she got
up, went into the bathroom, washed her hands, brushed her teeth, and got back
into bed.

When she closed
her eyes, she was bombarded with other memories.

Seth, not just
when he was arousing her, touching her, making her come. But when he was
holding her afterwards. When he was sweet, or funny, or dryly cynical. When he
was playing with the girls. When he'd had dinner with them on a regular basis,
and often breakfast too. When he and Erin had spent leisurely Saturday mornings
in bed, sometimes on their own, sometimes with Mackenzie.

Erin remembered
those months so vividly, after Anna was born—perhaps the happiest of Erin’s
whole life—when Seth had been committed to spending as much time with them as
possible. When he’d been more openly loving with her and with his daughters
than he’d ever been before…and had ever been since.

It wasn’t that
Seth had—or ever would—stop loving them. Erin knew how much he adored them,
knew that would never change. But she should have known all along that kind of
cozy domesticity couldn’t last forever.

Seth was an
intensely complicated man, and he’d lived most of his life alone, clawing his
way to the top, pouring his soul into career ambitions as an attempt to shape a
secure place for himself into the world.

He hadn’t ever
stopped loving them, but other things had been progressively distracting him
from them.

And now it just
wasn’t like it used to be.

Sometimes, all
four of them had piled on the big bed in the mornings. Anna, still a baby in
Erin’s arms. Erin leaning against Seth’s side, his arm draped around her.
Mackenzie cuddled between the two of them, tiny and affectionate, trying to be
near her new little sister.

Those memories
were just as powerful to Erin as the memories of any lovemaking she and Seth
had ever shared, and somehow even more heartbreaking.

The tears that
had been lingering in her eyes all evening spilled over at last, and she cried
in choked little sobs into her pillow.

It wasn’t just
that she missed Seth—although she missed him so much it seemed to tear her
apart. But there was something else there too, something heavy and unspeakable.
A lurking awareness she couldn’t yet acknowledge, but that made her sob even
harder.

She didn’t cry
for long, still trying her best not to feel sorry for herself when she really
had a very good life. But it was a long time before she fell into an uneasy
sleep, since even after two o’clock she was vaguely hoping that Seth might
still call.

Hoping that he
wanted to talk to her so much that he’d call her anyway, no matter what time it
was.

There had been
a time when Seth had wanted Erin—even just to talk to—that much.

***

Erin woke up later than usual
the following morning.

In fact, she
was awakened by a little hand patting her on the cheek.

“Mommy still
sleeping!” It was a piercing, childish voice.

Erin managed to
pry her eyelids up. Saw Anna smiling at her proudly.

With some
effort, Erin was able to smile back, smothering her instinctive grumbles at
such a rude awakening. “Hi, sweetie.”

“Hi,” Anna
pulled down the back of her short nightgown, which had been accidentally tucked
into her panties. “Daddy comes home today?”

“Yes. Daddy
comes home.” She rubbed her eyes and saw that Anna’s expression was pleading
with her silently. Erin knew why, so she reached out her arm invitingly. “Did
you want to get under the covers with me?”

Anna’s face
relaxed into another smile, and she eagerly climbed into bed, cuddling up
against Erin.

Groggily, Erin
glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even seven o’clock. “Did you wake
up early this morning?”

“Mac woke up
first.”

“Where is she?”

“She's reading.”
Then Anna added with subdued outrage in her tone, “She said not to bug her.”

“Well, this way
you get to snuggle with me until it’s time for breakfast.”

Anna giggled
happily. She’d always been more naturally cuddly than Mackenzie, another trait
she got from her mother as opposed to her father.

Erin relaxed
and enjoyed the quiet minutes with her daughter, not really in any hurry to get
up. They were getting to the end of the summer now, so they might as well enjoy
the leisurely days while they could.

About fifteen
minutes later, Anna had dozed off again and Erin was well on her way herself,
but then she heard Mackenzie call out from the hallway, “Mommy!”

“We’re in bed,
pumpkin.” She wondered why kids always resorted to yelling instead of
investigating someone’s location for themselves.

Anna was awake
again by the time Mackenzie padded into the bedroom in her bare feet. She was
holding Erin’s tablet, which she often played games on.

“Daddy’s on the
internet,” Mackenzie announced as she approached the bed.

“Is he?” Erin
asked, only vaguely curious. Seth’s picture was online a lot, ever since he’d
become a minor celebrity when he’d successfully defended a professional
basketball player in a trial that made national headlines.

Mackenzie’s
face, however, was tight and worried, and her blue-gray eyes were huge as she
added, “He’s kissing a lady.”

“What?” Erin
demanded in surprise, instinctively reaching out for tablet.

“See?”
Mackenzie affirmed, pointing to the picture.

Only then did
Erin realize her daughter had somehow stumbled on a particular tabloid blog,
one Erin knew very well, since it often posted gossip about Seth and had been
the source of much angst for Erin in the past.

Seth was indeed
in a posted photograph.

Kissing another
woman.

He was dressed
up in evening clothes, as was the woman. They must have been at a cocktail
party or something, and Seth was just kissing the woman’s cheek.

In fact, Erin
now recognized the woman—knew she was the wife of one of Seth’s coworkers. The
kiss was tame and harmless. Probably just a gesture of friendliness or
courtesy.

But that didn’t
stop Erin from burning with hurt, humiliation, and dismay as she saw her
husband splashed over the main page of a tabloid blog, with his hands and his
lips on another woman.

Both Anna and
Mackenzie were now peering over and staring at the picture too. Mackenzie was
trying to read the headlines. “What does sor-did mean?” she asked, sounding out
the word as Erin had taught her.

“It means
something very silly,” Erin replied distractedly. She tried to always take her
daughters’ questions seriously—but she was not going to explain what it meant
that the blog claimed their father was having a sordid affair.

“Why is Daddy
kissing that lady?” Anna asked.

Erin, by now,
had managed to pull herself together. She smiled casually, determined not to
worry her daughters by her own involuntary reaction to this. “Daddy is just
being nice to this lady, but the blog is making it sound like something bad is
happening.”

Anna frowned
down at the picture again.

“See,”
Mackenzie said helpfully, pointing at a detail in the picture. “He’s kissing
the lady’s cheek. Not her mouth, like he kisses Mommy. Sometimes he kisses Aunt
Stella’s cheek too.”

“Oh,” Anna
said, as if this detail resolved everything. She gazed at her sister
admiringly.

Erin sighed,
wondering how it was possible that her daughters—four and six years old—would
have to figure things like this out. Would have to deal with slurs against
their father’s character and have to reconcile them with the daddy they knew.

Erin stared at
the picture again. She knew it was exactly what she’d explained to Anna. It was
nothing. Never—never—would she suspect that Seth had cheated on her.

Seth’s
unshakeable commitment to anything important in his life was at the core of his
nature. He’d never cheat on her with someone else.

But, still,
Erin couldn’t help but feel an irrational pang of jealousy. Of resentment. Of
rage and grief both. That this other woman had been so close to Seth. That he’d
looked at her with that warm smile in his eyes. That he’d liked her so much
he’d kissed her cheek like that.

It wasn’t
romantic or sexual, but he was close to this woman in the picture—if only
momentarily.

It felt like
forever since Erin had been that close to her own husband.

Mackenzie and
Anna had been having a serious conversation while Erin mulled this over. She
was finally distracted when Mackenzie asked her, “What’s this word, Mommy?”

Erin glanced
over. Answered without thinking. “Domestic.”

Mackenzie had
been reading for a year and a half now, after Erin's focused attention to
teaching her early. And now she was showing off her skill, moving her finger
beneath each word as she read out loud to her sister, who was listening with
attentive awe: “Seth Thomas (that’s Daddy, you know) is finally bored with
dom-est-ic life, since he spent a hot evening with—”