Nameless Series Boxed Set (75 page)

“I know. But I
have to start somewhere.”

When Anna returned,
they ordered dessert, and Anna’s chocolate peanut-butter torte was almost
enough to distract her from her preoccupation with the handsome young man
behind her.

After they’d
finished, Seth stood up and nodded toward the dance floor, where couples had started
to dance. He extended his hand to Erin, but his eyes held a significant look
that she understood.

She shook her
head. “I’m tired and my feet hurt in these shoes. I don’t feel like dancing.
Sorry.”

Seth frowned.
“So you’re going to just leave me hanging?” He sounded genuinely peeved. Then
he turned to Anna, extending his hand to her instead.

“Dad,” Anna
objected with a familiar soft whine.

“So I’m
rejected by both of my women?” Seth demanded.

“Dance with
him, sweetie,” Erin told her daughter, “or we’ll never hear the end of it. He’s
really not a bad dancer.”

Anna relented
and Seth led her to the dance floor. Erin had a marvelous, sentimental time
watching the girl dance with her father. She couldn’t help but wonder what Seth
was saying that made Anna smile that way. She knew it was supposed to be a
private time between the two of them, but Erin was determined to interrogate
Seth later that night to find out what had been said.

She was so
focused watching the dance floor that she gave a little jump when a voice spoke
from beside her, “You’re far too beautiful a woman to be left by yourself at
the table.”

Her eyebrows
shot up at such blatant flattery, but she relaxed when she looked up to see a
familiar face. Mark Benanni was a local attorney whom Erin had met at any
number of cocktail parties and social gatherings. He was an attractive man in
his fifties, with silvering dark hair, flashing Italian eyes, and an urbane
charm Erin had always liked.

She grinned up
at him. “You’re as full of crap as ever, I see.”

Mark laughed
warmly and stretched out a hand toward her. “Since you’ve been deserted by your
family, maybe you’ll do me the honor. My table was getting deadly dull.” He
nodded toward a table in a far corner filled with business and political types
Erin knew only too well.

“Thank you,”
she responded with another smile, taking his hand and letting him help her to
her feet. “I’d love to.”

She walked with
Mark to the dance floor and laughed delightedly when he swung her into a fancy,
old-fashioned spin before he pulled her into his arms. They chatted about the
restaurant, about Mark’s boring dinner, about how quickly Erin’s daughters were
growing up, and about the legal work Erin was doing now for non-profit
organization that assisted homeless teenagers.

Erin was soon
having such a good time she forgot to keep her eye on Seth and Anna. Erin loved
her life—loved being Seth’s wife and Mackenzie and Anna’s mother. But sometimes
that was all she felt like. And it was a nice change to be treated, to feel,
like an attractive, intelligent woman who had something to offer the world at
large.

She was
enjoying herself so much she didn’t see Seth approach—until he brusquely pulled
her out of Mark’s arms with a curt, “This is my dance.”

Erin blinked
and instinctively resisted his arm around her waist. “Seth,” she objected,
glancing over to Mark’s startled face. “I was dancing with Mark.”

“I saw that.
Now you can dance with me.” Seth wasn’t glowering or simmering as he’d been
before in his mock resentment of Anna’s pseudo-admirer. But he was ice-cold and
his words were clipped.

“Well, there’s
no reason to be rude.” Erin’s spine stiffened as she frowned at her husband.
“Mark has been—”

“I saw what
Benanni has been.”

Erin’s mouth
dropped open in astonishment, and Mark’s face twisted with barely suppressed
amusement.

He reached over
to take Erin’s hand. “A wise man always knows the most strategic time to
retreat. I believe I’ll take your husband’s suggestion.” Ever charming, Mark
lifted her hand to his lips.

“I’m sorry,”
Erin told him, with a sheepish shrug. “Thank you for the lovely dance.”

Seth made a
growling sound when Mark didn’t release Erin’s hand soon enough. But Mark just
chuckled and flashed one more wide smile—his teeth beautifully white in his
tanned face—as he walked away.

Seth was stiff
and silent when he pulled Erin against him as the music eased into a slow,
romantic tune.

“For God’s
sake,” Erin grumbled. “What the hell is your problem? Mark was polite and
charming. He didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

“So now groping
another man’s wife in public is considered polite and charming?” Seth’s words
were edged with acid. “My mistake.”

“Groping?” Erin
choked, her hands tightening on Seth’s shoulders. “What are you—”

“His hand was
on your ass for a good ninety seconds.” Seth pulled her more tightly against
him, his hand moving possessively down to the part in question. “I was on the
other side of the dance floor. Not in another building. And the fact that
you’re still defending him—”

“You’ve lost
your fucking mind!” Erin interrupted in a harsh whisper. “We were dancing! And
I was having a very nice time until you came barging in acting like some kind
of clueless caveman.” She jerked as she realized something. “Where’s Anna? You
didn’t leave her sitting at the table by herself?”

“Of course
not,” Seth said, his expression decidedly peeved. “She went to the bathroom
again. But it’s about time you remembered your own daughter. I thought we were
supposed to be helping her tonight. Not drooling over random men.”

Erin was so
flabbergasted her words stuck in her throat. She was barely dancing anymore,
but Seth was holding her too tightly for her to pull away. “I was not drooling.
I didn’t do anything that would damage your reputation. I was just having a
nice time—”

“I’m not
worried about my reputation,” Seth gritted out, so tense now a muscle in his
cheek was fluttering. “And I know what a nice time you were having. I saw it
myself—even if you hadn’t already told me four times.”

Suddenly, Erin
understood what was happening. Part of it had been obvious from the beginning,
but the realization of
why
it was happening finally hit home with her.

“Seth?” she
gasped. “Seth, are you actually jealous?”

Seth glared at
her in chilly silence.

A burst of
laughter caught in her throat and ended up forcing its way out in snorts and
shakes. Erin tried to restrain her amusement—if only to protect Seth’s
pride—but there was no way she could stop the laughter once it had started.

Soon she was
trying to stifle her howls of hilarity against Seth’s shoulder. She pressed her
face into his dark suit, gasping, wheezing, and shaking.

Finally, Seth
bit out, “If you’d care to control your mockery, we could attempt to continue
an adult conversation.”

“An adult
conversation?” Erin rasped, finally pulling her face up and peering up into
Seth’s stiff face. “Is that what you call this? We’ve been together for over
sixteen years and you’re jealous because I was dancing with another man?”

“You weren’t
just dancing with him,” Seth insisted thickly. “You looked …You looked…” He
seemed lost for a word to describe it. “…happy.”

Erin stopped
laughing, understanding what Seth was trying to say no matter how ungracefully
he’d said it. “Oh, Seth,” she said with a long exhale, “I
was
happy.”
Before Seth could withdraw into defensiveness, she explained, “It’s nice to
sometimes feel like I’m more than just my family.”

Seth’s
shoulders tightened under her hands, but he just watched her face intently.

“Not that I
don’t want to be with my family. But it’s nice to feel like I’m just a woman
too.”

“And I don’t
make you feel that way?”

Erin stroked up
until she had his face her hands. “Seth, you make me feel like your wife.” When
she felt him start to pull away, she didn’t let go. “That’s not a complaint. I
am your wife. I want to be your wife. I want you to always make me feel like
your wife. Nothing makes me happier than that. But it’s nice to know I’m still
kind of interesting to people who don’t love me the way you do.”

Seth held her
gaze and his face softened almost imperceptibly. He was an intelligent man and
an insightful one. He understood what she was trying to say. But all he said
was, “Next time, would you mind feeling interesting with someone less obnoxious
than Bennani?”

“But I like
Mark,” Erin insisted, wrapping her arms tightly around her husband’s neck and
nestling against him.

Seth made
another growling noise and groped her far more blatantly than Mark ever had.

With a giggle,
Erin pressed a kiss onto the side of Seth’s neck. “I can’t believe you were
actually jealous.”

“Is this going
to be another one of those things that results in sustained mockery?” he asked
with a groan.

“Of course. But
if you’re good—and if you keep growling so deliciously—later tonight, I might
let you…” She trailed off on purpose, pitching her tone provocatively.

“You might let
me what?” Seth’s voice thickened again, and he pressed her pelvis suggestively
against his.

A shiver of
anticipation was running through Erin’s spine when her eyes happened to land on
her daughter, who had stopped on her way back from the bathroom.

“Uh oh,” Erin
said, straightening up a little more in Seth’s arms.

“What?”

“I know you
were trying to ease Anna’s insecurities and it was very nicely played, I must
admit. But, for once, I think you might not have explored every possible
outcome.”

“What the hell
are you talking about?” Seth was looking annoyed again—likely because she’d
been distracted from her loving, sexy mood.

“Your
encouragement of Anna might have had a result you never intended.” She nodded
to her left, drawing Seth’s attention to what she’d just seen. “Try not to
overreact.”

Anna was across
the room, looking lovely and happy, her cheeks pink and her blonde hair framing
her face. She was laughing at the moment.

She was also
flirting shamelessly with a very handsome young man who was at least five years
older than her.

Erin stuck her head into Anna’s
room after tapping lightly on the door. “Hey there. You all right?”

It was almost
ten o'clock. They’d gotten home a little while ago and Anna had gone to change
clothes. She’d been quiet on the way home, and Erin hadn’t been able to tell
what she was thinking.

Anna had
changed into a sweatshirt and pajama pants, and she was propped up against the
pillows on her bed with her laptop. “I’m fine,” she said with a wry smile. “You
aren’t going to expect me to go to counseling now, are you?”

Erin snorted
and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Why would I expect that?”

“I don’t know.
I figured you were all worried about what I…what I told you earlier. It’s not
that big a deal, you know.”

“I know.” Erin
paused, thinking through her words carefully before she spoke. “Unless it’s
something that really bothers you.”

Anna looked
uncomfortable and incredibly young in her baggy sweatshirt. “It doesn’t. I
mean, it doesn’t bother me much.” She didn’t meet Erin’s eyes.

Her daughter’s
reluctance and uncharacteristic shyness were obvious clues that this was
serious for Anna—at least more serious than she was admitting to.

“And I feel
kind of dumb about what I said about Dad,” Anna mumbled. “Especially after how
he was this evening.” Her expression lightened as she added, “He was so funny
when he saw me talking to that guy. I thought he was going to throw the poor
guy across the room.”

Erin wanted to
giggle at the memory of Seth storming over to Anna in the restaurant, but she
managed to keep her face sober. “You weren’t flirting with him just to upset
Dad, were you?”

“No! Didn’t you
see the guy? He was cute! And he was looking at me.” Anna’s eyes were wide and
innocent, and Erin was satisfied that the girl had no idea of her father’s
little maneuvering.

“He was way too
old for you.”

“Probably
around nineteen. He ran away too quickly anyway as soon as Dad came over, but
that’s just five years' difference. Not much more than Dad is older than you.”

Erin’s spine
stiffened. “But we didn’t date when I was fourteen years old. When I told you
that it might take a more mature man to appreciate you, I didn’t mean you
should start looking for those more mature men right now.”

Anna met her
eyes squarely. Then snickered. “I know. But wouldn’t Dad freak out, though?”

Erin felt
another pang of worry shoot through her chest. “He loves you so much, sweetie.
Please don’t torture him just for fun.”

When Anna
didn’t answer—just stared down at the screen of her laptop—Erin adjusted so she
was propped on the pillows beside her daughter. She glanced down at the laptop
and saw Anna was working on an article for her school newspaper.

“Anna?” she
prompted, reaching over and gently closing the laptop, then moving it to the
nightstand.

“I’m not going
to torture him for fun.” Anna released a pitiful sigh. “It was nice, though.”

Erin swallowed
hard and studied the girl’s face. “What was?”

Anna didn’t
answer right away so Erin just waited in silence until she did.

“That he…that
he noticed me.”

Erin made a
choking sound and couldn’t resist putting an arm around Anna’s shoulders. She
pulled her daughter into a half-hug, even knowing that cuddling wasn’t
appreciated now the way it had been when the girls were younger. “Oh, baby, he
notices everything about you. All the time. Not just because of that guy
tonight.”

Anna didn’t
pull away from Erin’s embrace. She leaned against her and breathed, “Do you
think he notices me as much as Mac?”

It was a
serious question—not a childish whine or complaint—so Erin didn’t answer with
an immediate flip answer. “I can see why you might ask that,” she said slowly.
“But I promise you he notices you every bit as much as he does Mackenzie.”

Anna’s big blue
eyes—the exact same color as Seth’s—slanted up to Erin’s face. “He doesn’t act
like it.”

Erin hesitated,
nearly torn in two as she tried to decide what to do. There were several things
she could tell Anna now—things the girl needed to know. But they weren’t all
Erin’s truths to tell, and she wouldn’t intrude too far into Seth’s privacy,
even for this.

“It’s okay,”
Anna said in a rush, when Erin hadn’t said anything. She tried to pull away. “I
know he loves me. You don’t have to try to make something up—”

“I’m not making
anything up. I’m just trying to decide how much I can tell you.”

“About what?”

“About why your
Dad acts the way he does. With Mackenzie.”

Anna shifted
and stopped trying to pull away. “What do you mean?”

Erin sighed.
She couldn’t tell Anna everything but at least she could tell her this. “You
know how I got pregnant with Mackenzie.”

Anna made a
face, but she relaxed against Erin’s side once more. “Please don’t tell me that
story again.”

Chuckling, Erin
squeezed the girl, enjoying the increasingly rare treat of snuggling with her
daughter like this. “I won’t. You know that we started to fall in love during
the pregnancy and during Mackenzie’s first year. What you don’t know is what
happened right after she was born.”

“What
happened?” Anna had always been as naturally curious as Erin was, and the
tension was evident in her body.

“Your Dad left
the hospital just after she was born. I didn’t see him again for three months.”

“What? Why?”

The memory
still hurt—even after all these years—and Erin’s voice cracked a little as she
explained. “He wanted us to be a family, but he’d never told me how he felt
before. I…I wasn’t in love with him then. He was hurt.”

“So he just
deserted you and Mac?” Anna’s expression was horrified as she stared up at
Erin’s face.

“He did. He was
a different man then, and he was very, very hurt. I’d always made it clear he
had no obligations to me and Mackenzie. He was allowed to leave if he wanted.”

“But, Mom, he
left you all alone? That's horrible! You must have been so lonely.”

There were
tears in Erin’s eyes now—from the memory and from Anna’s sympathy, which was
poignantly intuitive. But she blinked and answered calmly, “I was lonely. And I
missed him a lot. But I wasn’t alone. I had Liz, and your Grandpa, and
Mackenzie.”

“But how could
he?”

Erin tensed up
as she processed Anna’s resentful reaction. “Sweetie, you’re missing the reason
I’m telling you this. You know your Dad isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes like
the rest of us. That was one of his mistakes. He knew it as soon as he left,
and he immediately regretted it. He’s more than made up for it since then.”

“But—”

“Don’t you see
why I’m telling you this? He missed the first three months of Mackenzie’s life.
It’s been over sixteen years, but you know him. Do you think he’s forgotten
about that?”

Anna blinked
and stared at the wall in front of her. “Oh.”

“He hates
himself for missing even those few months of her life. And he’s always felt
like he has to make up for it. But it’s different with you.” Erin squeezed Anna
again. “When we had you, we were so in love. We’d finally gotten everything
worked out after so much confusion. He was there all the way with you. It
was…We were so happy.
He
was so happy.”

Anna’s face was
twisting slightly as she tried to take all of this in.

“He loves you
so much, baby.” Erin stroked Anna’s soft blonde hair. “You make him so happy.
Everything about you makes him happy. And he feels like, with you, he did it
right.”

“So that’s why
he pays so much attention to Mac?” Anna’s voice was wobbly.

“It’s one of
the reasons. I can understand why it might occasionally look like you’re not as
important to him. But I never want you to believe it.” Erin put both of her
arms around Anna and held her as tightly as she could.

Anna hugged her
back for just a minute. It wasn’t long but it caused a swell of tenderness to
rise in Erin’s chest.

Then Anna let
go and Erin relaxed back, keeping one arm around Anna’s shoulders, not ready to
release her completely yet.

With a sigh,
Anna asked, “You’re going to tell him about all of this, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Unless
you insist I keep it a secret. He needs to know.”

“It’s all
right. You can tell him. Just make sure he knows I’m not…I mean, make sure he
doesn’t think I don’t…I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

It might have
been the sweetest thing Erin had ever heard—that Anna had been hurt and
insecure about how Seth treated her but was so worried about Seth feeling the
same way. With a muffled sound, Erin pulled Anna back into a hug.

“Mom!” Anna
finally wailed, when she’d had all she could stand of the cuddling.

“Sorry,” Erin said,
loosening her hold. “And I’ll make sure I break it to him gently.”

Anna nodded and
was about to answer when something in the bedroom doorway distracted her.

Seth appeared,
taking a step into the room. “At the risk of incurring your wrath, I can perhaps
make things easier by saving you the trouble of having to tell me.”

“You were
listening.” It was an accusation but not an angry one. Anna’s voice sounded
more tired than anything else.

“I was. My only
defense is that I hadn’t intended to eavesdrop.” Seth’s words were casual and
his face was calm, but Erin could tell he wasn’t either of those things. There
was a tension in the set of his shoulders and a shakiness in the expression of
his eyes that revealed everything Erin needed to know about how their discussion
had affected him.

He’d been hurt
by it and was fighting the need to withdraw into his defenses.

The fact that
he had stepped into the room—hadn’t retreated into his office to brood—was a
small miracle.

Anna’s features
twisted a few times. She was clearly emotional but too self-conscious to let it
show. “You can come in, if you want.” Her voice was almost normal.

Seth nodded his
thanks and walked over to sit on the casual chaise across from the bed. He put
his hands on his lap, then on the edge of the chaise on either side of his
thighs, then back on his lap.

“Mom told me
about what happened after Mac was born,” Anna said. The words sounded like some
kind of peace offering.

“I heard.
Everything she said was true.”

“Does Mac know
about that?” Anna looked up at Erin.

“She doesn’t
know. We never told her.”

“I won’t tell
her, if you don’t want me to.”

Erin cleared
her throat and met Seth’s eyes before she looked back down at Anna. “I told
you. So it’s yours to decide what to do with it. You can tell her if you want.
You just can’t tell her when you’re mad at her.”

“Okay.” Anna
squirmed a little and huddled a little closer to Erin. She felt very young to
Erin at the moment and Erin couldn’t help but savor the intimacy it
allowed—since it happened so rarely anymore. After a brief pause, Anna looked
back at Seth. “Mom told me there were other reasons why you…you act the way you
do with us.”

“There are.”
Seth was watching the two of them quietly. They were cuddled together on the
bed while Seth was sitting by himself on the chaise.

He looked
lonely. All alone. Like he had that horrible morning ten years ago before Erin
had taken the girls away and went to her father’s, needing a break for their
marriage.

“Can you tell
the other reasons?” Anna’s question was almost a plea.

Erin could
barely breathe over the ache in her throat. She tried to catch Seth’s eye but
he was staring at the floor. She wanted so much for him to tell Anna the
truth—even knowing how impossibly hard it would be for him to do.

Seth loved his
children more than anything. But there were some ways he still couldn’t make
himself vulnerable—even with his daughters.

Anna twisted
her hands together nervously. “I know that Mac is more like you. I guess I
always thought that was the reason.”

Her tentative
comment seemed to help push Seth into speaking. “It is. But not in the way you
think.” His eyes focused on Anna’s face, darted over to Erin’s, then shifted
back to Anna’s. “I don’t love her more because she’s like me.”

Anna’s body
stiffened, as if in expectation. Erin wasn’t even breathing.

Seth took a
shaky breath and started to explain—in such a composed tone that no one else
would know how torn up he was. “You know I didn’t have a good childhood. I
didn’t feel loved by anyone for most of my life. So I didn’t love myself.”

Erin wanted to
cry. She loved Seth so much, and she’d never in her life been so proud of him.

Seth ran a hand
through his hair, but didn’t look away from Anna’s eyes. “That kind of thinking
is hard to get over.”

“But…” Anna
gasped, “but we love you! Me and Mom and Mac.”

“I know, and
that means everything. But I can’t always believe I deserve it. It’s better
now—so much better than it used to be. But those patterns of thinking don’t
just disappear.” Seth cleared his throat. “I’m telling you this because it’s
why I’ve always worked so hard to make sure Mackenzie feels loved. She’s like
me, and I never want her to feel unloved the way I did. I love
her
, even
though I didn’t used to love myself.”

Seth’s eyes
were steady and his mouth was relaxed. But a sheen of sweat had broken out on
his temples, and his hands were fisted at his sides. He was vulnerable. He’d
just opened himself up completely to his fourteen-year-old daughter.

Erin prayed
Anna was mature enough to understand what it meant, and to value Seth’s gesture
as much as it deserved.

“Oh.”

“I’m so sorry,
Anna,” Seth continued. “I’m so sorry that I made you believe something that
isn’t true. I don’t love Mackenzie any more than I love you. You’re so much
like your mother, and I couldn’t imagine anyone in the world wouldn’t love you.
But assuming you knew how I felt wasn’t fair to you. I was wrong, and I hope
you’ll forgive me.”