Nanny and the Professor (23 page)

"It feels like I walked about a thousand," Andrew said.

"Son, why would you go off without telling Cassie where you were going?"

"But we told you, Dad," Andrew said. "We were having an adventure."

"And," Eric added, "we wouldn't have been like Huck Finn if anybody knew where we
was
."

"Where we were," Joshua corrected automatically, and he really had to quell his desire to chuckle at the boys' spunk. He could easily remember some of the daring misadventures he'd had as a child.

But as he glanced over at Cassie's beautiful, pale face, concern knitting her brow, he knew he couldn't let his son or Eric get away with this little episode without punishment– no matter how much he might understand and empathize with their impetuous spirit.

"It was wrong of you boys to go off without letting Cassie know," he began.

"But if we asked Cassie," Eric sputtered, "
she'da
said no."

"Of course I would have said no." Cassie stepped farther into the garage. "I don't even know where Pierson's Woods is, and–"

"See?"
Eric said.

"Yes, I see. And that's precisely the point," Joshua calmly stated. "The two of you willingly and knowingly went off without Cassie's permission."

"But, Dad–"

"No buts." Joshua cut Andrew's lament to the quick with his sharp tone. "Neither one of you will leave this yard for two days. And there will be no television for a week."

"A week?"
Andrew's eyes grew large.

Joshua's gaze narrowed and his voice grew utterly serious as he asked, "Would you like to go for two?"

The shoulders of both boys dropped, as did their gazes. "No, sir," they muttered in unison.

"Go strip off those dirty clothes," Joshua ordered. "And get yourselves showered and changed. Stay in your rooms until Cassie calls you for dinner. And both of you owe her an apology. She was worried sick about you."

"Sorry, Cassie," Andrew said.

"Sorry." Eric's voice was suddenly thick with emotion. "I didn't mean for you to be worried, Cassie. We just wanted to have some fun."

"Now, go and do as I told you," Joshua said. "Andrew, make certain that you take a dose of medicine from your inhaler. You sound wheezy."

"Just a little," Andrew mumbled grudgingly as he walked out the wide door.

The boys left behind a thick, tense silence, Joshua noticed as he looked over at Cassie.

"It's funny how kids are determined to get in the last word," he said, hoping to ease the anxious energy in the air.

His eyes didn't miss the almost imperceptible tremble of her chin and he wanted badly to go to her, hold her, comfort her, and make her fears go away. But he didn't dare. He knew she wouldn't welcome or appreciate any comfort from him– not after the way she'd been behaving toward him since he'd forced her to reveal what she obviously considered to be an awful secret.

She bit her bottom lip to stop its quivering. He watched her delicate throat muscles convulse in a swallow and he was certain she was about to cry.

"Cassie, it's okay," he assured her gently. "The boys are safe."

It took her a moment to rein in her emotions, and even though he had a dozen things he wanted to say to her, he remained silent and gave her the time she needed to calm down.

Her chest rose with her deep inhalation, and when she finally spoke, the words were released fast and furiously. "But it isn't okay. Don't you see that? I should never have gone into the study. I avoided that part of the house all morning. I should never have sat down at your desk.
Should never have opened that first book.
I can't do this, Joshua. Don't you understand? I just can't!"

He simply stood there, watching her. She was so serious… so beautiful. He could easily see from the look on her face that she had more to say. And he was eager to hear it.

"I can't be everything to everyone," she said. "I can't keep this job as Andy's nanny and raise Eric and go back to school. I simply can't do it all!"

"I'll help you." The words slipped from his mouth without thought.

"No!"

Although she didn't raise her voice, there was fury and something else in her tone– something he couldn't quite identify.

"You haven't been listening," she said. "If I hadn't been so involved with reading those text books you left on your desk for me, I wouldn't have lost track of the boys. I shouldn't have been reading about the program. I wouldn't have lost track of them otherwise."

"But, Cassie, you heard what Eric and Andrew said," he told her. "They waited for you to become preoccupied. They didn't want to ask permission because they knew you wouldn't give it. They slipped away.
On purpose.
If you hadn't become distracted in the study, it would have been something else."

"No," she firmly disagreed. "That's not true. I'm good at my job. The boys would never have been able to slip off like that."

He couldn't help but laugh. "Cassie, you're not a warden. You can't watch their every move. I don't expect that kind of dedication."

"But that's my job!"

There was an unrelenting quality in her words, in the set of her
body, that
somehow struck him wrong. There was more going on here than Cassie simply feeling responsible for having lost track of the boys. He wished he understood what was going on in her head. Maybe he could better unravel the mystery that was Cassie if he could get her to talk, get her to give him a little more information– information about her past.

Finally he very gently, very compassionately, asked her the question that had been burning inside him for days. "How did this happen?"

"But I already
told
you," she said, near tears. "I became wrapped up in those text books."

"That's not what I'm asking about." He gave a shake of his head. "How in the world did you...?" He felt at a loss for words, but then started again. "What happened to make you quit school?"

For a moment he was certain she would refuse to tell him. But then the story tumbled from her like water bursting from a strained dam.

He heard it all; the father who died unexpectedly, leaving no savings, no life insurance; a mother who lost interest in life itself; a brand-new baby brother who needed food, clothing, shelter, and money to buy all those things.

"So I quit high school," Cassie explained, now dry-eyed. "And found work."

"But weren't there state agencies to help you?"

"My mother made me believe that the state would take Eric." Her eyes were wide with an odd mixture of fear and determination, as though the horrible ordeal was continuing to take place. "She didn't care. She was too sick, too despondent to deal with a child." Cassie glanced toward the door and lowered her voice before continuing. "In fact, I think she hoped he would be taken off her hands. But I couldn't let that happen. Eric was a helpless toddler. It wasn't his fault. He needed me to love him, to care for him." Her chin tipped up defiantly. "Nobody else did."

Joshua stared in awe at this precious woman standing before him. Cassie had unselfishly given up her formal education, really her whole young teenage life, so that Eric could be provided for. Her story explained so much.

Again, he felt the overwhelming urge to go to her, to reach out to her, reassure her,
offer
her his support. But again, he helplessly kept his distance, certain she would rebuff him. So he granted her his verbal approval only.

"You did the right thing, Cassie," he told her. "But now it's time for you to do something for yourself. You can enroll in the GED pro—"

"No," she said sharply. "I can't."

"You seem to forget," he said, desperate to force her to see what was possible. "The boys will be starting school soon. You'll have all day to–"

"Joshua, I don't want to talk about this anymore." Her eyes were determined, her mouth set firm. "I need this job. Eric needs for me to keep this job. And I already told you, I can't be everything for everyone. I'm just not competent enough to do it all."

He frowned. She looked as though she were about to fall completely apart.

Then it came to him, and as quickly as the realization entered his head, it simultaneously slipped from his lips. "You're afraid."

He stared at her until she averted her guilty gaze. The sudden annoyance he felt toward her came out of nowhere and took him completely off guard.

"You're afraid you'll fail." His proclamation was louder this time. "Refusing to try for that certificate has nothing to do with your job here as Andrew's nanny. It has nothing to do with your raising Eric. You're simply scared as hell that you can't do it."

His analytical mind silently told him that his anger was illogical, that now was the time for compassion and understanding. But for some reason he couldn't seem to listen to logic. Not now. Not when he was so outraged to discover that Cassie would give up before she even tried. She wasn't a coward, why would she act like one?

"A few days ago you told me there was no chance for us to pursue a relationship," he said, fighting hard not to let his anger get the best of him. "I didn't understand, and I certainly didn't agree with you."

He crossed his arms over his chest and his voice became deadly calm. "But now that I know the truth, I think you're right." A derisive hiss forced its way between his teeth. "But I also think you'll be surprised to hear that the reason a relationship between us is impossible has nothing to do with some program you refuse to enter or how uneducated you think you are. But it does have everything to do with your lack of self-esteem."

He raked his fingers through his hair. "The woman in my life would have to have enough self-confidence to seek and explore every avenue.
To live life to the fullest.
She'd have to have enough pride and respect for herself that would demand my own."

Joshua's unflinching gaze captured her and refused to let her go until he'd spoken his mind.

"The woman I give my heart to," he continued unabashed, "will need to feel that she
deserves
my love. And she'll have to have the self-assurance it would take to trust me.
With her heart.
With her secrets.
With everything that comes with being in love."

Chapter Ten

Joshua was somewhere between the blissful state of drowsy sleep and consciousness when he heard the creaking hinges of his bedroom door as it was slowly opened and then closed again. He was reluctant to open his heavy eyelids. Sleep had been elusive for the past several nights.
Ever since he'd lost his patience and his temper with Cassie.

He felt terrible about what he'd
done,
the things he'd said. He felt even more terrible about the fact that he hadn't talked to her, hadn't apologized for his behavior. But every time he saw her, his anger and frustration seemed to flare anew, so he just kept his thoughts to himself. The irritation was eating him up inside and he knew he should move beyond it, that he should–

His mattress shimmied slightly as someone climbed onto it and Joshua finally opened his
groggy
eyes.

"Are you awake?"

The innocence in Andrew's whispered question tugged at Joshua's heartstrings. One corner of his mouth curled wryly.