Chapter 4
Nokea
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Shane's driving was bound to kill us. The roads were still slick and he was in a serious panic. When I suggested that he slow down, he yelled at me. I was devastated too, but he was more than unstable.
“Can we just pull over and chill out for a while?” I asked. “Your hands are shaking and I'm very frightened.”
“It ain't everyday that I go around shooting, possibly killing muthafuckas, Nokea. And a cop, too? Damn,” he said shaking his head. “I don't know what the hell I've gotten myself into.”
“It was self defense, Shane. Since we're miles and miles away from there, can we please stop and get our heads on straight? Besides, that spare tire isn't going to last much longer so let's calm down, get a nice room for the rest of the night and chill.”
“I need to get you home, now. We're not stopping again.”
I touched his shoulder. “Shane, please. Please do it for me. I don't like how fast you're driving, and sooner or later, I will make it home.”
When the exit sign showed a Comfort Inn ahead, Shane listened to me and made the exit. He parked the car and I went inside to get us a room. He stayed in the car. When I came back to it, his head was leaned back on the headrest and his eyes were closed. I tapped the window.
“Let's go inside,” I said.
Once we got to the room, I opened the door and Shane locked it behind us. The room had double beds and he lay back on the bed close by the window. He placed his arm on his forehead, closing his eyes again.
“What are we going to do, Nokea?”
“I don't know. But, I know I'd better call Jaylin. He's been calling me like crazy.”
Shane sat up and looked at me. “Whatever you do, please do not tell him what happened between us. As a matter of fact, don't tell anybody until I can figure this shit out.”
“How am I supposed to keep something like this from him?”
“Do you really think Jaylin is going to understand why we did what we did?”
“But, we were forced to do it! Jaylin would understand that neither one of us wanted to die.”
“No, he wouldn't understand. And you're crazy if you think he's going to embrace me with open arms and not throw you out of the fucking house. If he even suspects I was inside of you, forced or not, all hell is going to break loose and you know it.”
“But, we have a legitimate explanation. You saved my life back there and there was no doubt in my mind that the officer was going to kill us if we didn't cooperate. In any situation like that, you have to remain cooperative, but it was obvious he didn't have much love for Black people.”
“Look, do whatever you want to do. I'm not telling Scorpio shit. When we get to your house, you tell Jaylin I had to get back home. I'm not in the mood to argue with him and I need to find a way out of this mess I've gotten myself into.”
My phone rang and startled both of us. I knew it was Jaylin. Before I answered, Shane gave me a serious look.
“Please don't do it. I don't want to see you hurt and you are not going to like the outcome.”
“Hello,” I answered.
“It's damn near four o'clock in the morning. Where in the fuck have you been?” he yelled. “I've been calling you all damn night Nokea! Shane's phone is turned off and I don't know what the hell is going on. Don't make meâ”
I softly spoke. “Please stop cursing at me like that, okay? Shane caught a flat, we got stranded on a dark road and we just made it to a hotel. I left my phone in the car, so I didn't know you called. Once we got settled, I planned on calling you.”
“Bullshit, Nokea! Let me talk to Shane.”
After all Shane and I had been through, I was disgusted with Jaylin's behavior. I handed my cell phone to Shane. “You were right,” I said. “He's out of control.”
Shane got on the phone. “Hello,” he said and paused. “Yeah, man. As soon as something opens up, I'm gon' get a tire. I didn't even know my phone was off and Nokea left her phone in the car. We walked about three miles in the cold and couldn't find a gas station nowhere. Finally, a police officer came and took us to this hotel. We're at the Comfort Inn. If you calm down and talk to Nokea for a moment, I'll get you the phone number here.”
Shane gave the phone back to me. I took a deep breath and placed the phone on my ear. “Yes,” I said.
“I guess you want me to feel sorry for you, but I don't. I plan to keep my peace for now, but we will discuss how you played me off this weekend. That was some cold shit, Nokea. I didn't think you could be so cold.”
“And, I didn't think you could be such a liar. Either way, I'm finished discussing my concerns. We'll work things out when I get there.”
I gave the phone back to Shane and he gave Jaylin the phone number to the hotel. Once Shane ended the call, he looked over at me. “Now, are you with me or not? Even I couldn't handle news like that and I know Jaylin won't be able to. Let's just stick to the same story, okay?”
I nodded, and tired or not, I had to take a shower. Shane's scent was all over me and I had to wash it off.
Once I finished my lengthy shower, I walked back into the sleeping area. Shane was sitting against the headboard with his shirt off. The top button on his jeans was unbuttoned and his ribbed stomach was sweating. His tired eyes were red. Pure disgust could be seen in his eyes. Wrapped in a towel, I sat on the bed with him. I looked into his eyes, touching the side of his face.
“Don't look so worried. Anybody in that situation would have done the same thing. Whatever happens, I will back you all the way.”
His eyelids lowered and he swallowed. “I . . . I didn't want to go inside of you Nokea. Jaylin has been a good friend to me. I don't want him to think I'm just another Stephon. He's already upset about my relationship with Scorpio, and if she found out about this, she . . . she would leave me in a heartbeat. As for the officer, damn, what am I going to do? What if he's dead?”
“Then, we'll have to deal with it. I won't say a word to anyone. Even though it's going to kill me to keep this secret, I know what I have to do.”
“Thank you,” he said, removing my hand from his face. He scooted down in bed and I got underneath the covers with him. Needing each other's comfort, we lay quietly while Shane held me tightly in his arms.
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Sleep was good, even though it was only for a few hours.
“Do you have everything?” Shane asked, looking around the room.
“There wasn't much to get. Let's get out of here and go see about getting a tire.”
As soon as we stepped out of the hotel, we heard a siren and panicked. Shane looked at me and I looked at him. We both watched as a police car drove down the highway, passing our exit. Surely, we were relieved.
We drove to a nearby super center and Shane bought a new tire. It took less than an hour for the mechanic to put it on and we were back on the road.
“Are you hungry?” Shane asked.
“I'm starving, but I can wait until you stop at a gas station. A pack of sweet powdered donuts will suit me just fine.”
He nodded and kept on driving. He hadn't said much to me, so I looked through his CDs for something soothing to play.
“Is this all you have?” I asked.
“Yes. All I listen to is jazz. If you want to hear Wallace Roney blow his horn this morning, then feel free to slide in just about any CD.”
“Well, I'm not in the mood for Wallace, but, uh, can we talk?”
“Talk about what?”
“About what happened?”
“You mean,” he cleared his throat.
“Yes. About that.”
“Nokea, I'd like to put that as far away from my memory as possible. Talking about it is only going to make matters worse.”
“No it won't. Since this is going to be our secret, I want to know how you felt about it.”
His voice rose. “I feel horrible, so there! I feel as if I've betrayed my best friend, again. If I could take it back, I would.”
“I understand. I feel bad about what happened too, but tell me how you really feel.”
Shane looked over at me in disbelief. “Are you trying to fuck with my head? I just told you how I felt. What more do you want?”
“I want the truth. Even though it was a horrible and scary situation, the way you performed said that you didn't mind being where you were. And, your eyesâ”
“The only thing you saw in my eyes was madness. Now, why are we going here? Must we sit here and even discuss this?”
“No, but . . . don't you want to know how I felt?”
“With tears in your eyes, I knew how you felt. The look on your face said it all.”
“Yes, I was scared, but maybe, the tears in my eyes were because I felt ashamed for wanting to, you know.”
“Don't even go there Nokea! We've been down this road before when we kissed. I cannot do this again.” Shane spoke sternly and his face was without a smile. “It's over, all right? What happened at that motel stays back there. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Damn you for forcing me into this conversation!”
I continued, wanting to get some things off my chest. “I'll put closure to this conversation, but not before sharing with you my feelings. I . . . I love Jaylin and I will always love him. No matter what, I'll never leave him, and he will never leave me. I had a feeling that one day, somehow, you and I would share what we did. The circumstances weren't great, but the feeling is one I'll never forget. I'm sure you share the same feelings as I do. Feeling that way doesn't mean you don't love Scorpio. It means that we put together a piece of the missing puzzles in our lives, and both of our curiosities about each other have been satisfied.”
Shane pulled the car over to the side of the road, turned to me and gave me a disturbing look. “Thanks for sharing, Nokea, but I don't quite see it that way. I think you are an amazingly beautiful and smart woman, but I'm deeply in love with a woman who is all that and then some. What happened back there isâ”
I quickly cut him off. “In other words, are you saying you never had any feelings for me? That you never, ever thought about what having sex with me would be like and that the look in your eyes at that motel had no meaning?”
“No, Nokea. I've never had any feelings for you, I never thought about having sex and the look in my eyes . . .”
I grabbed the back of Shane's head to shush him. I moved my face to his, making eye contact. “You're a liar, but I can see right through you. You never have to speak the truth to me, but that's because, like most men, you're not man enough to tell a woman how you really feel.”
I placed my lips on Shane's, forcing my tongue into his mouth. As expected, he worked with me. We smacked lips for quite a while, until Shane reached for the back of my short hair and pulled it back.
“Damn you, Nokea,” he whispered. “After this kiss, this is over! We cannot act on our feelings again. Do you understand?”
I nodded and Shane's light tongue turned in my mouth again. His lips were soft like butter. I couldn't help it that my hand roamed inside of his shirt to squeeze his muscles. Finally, we backed away from each other and Shane cleared his throat. I wiped around my wet lips and he quickly sped off.