Need (18 page)

With a bucket of soapy water and a sponge, I lowered myself to the floor and started scrubbing. It took some effort, but eventually there was no sign of the spot I’d seen.

I leaned back on my heels just staring at the floor. My mind once again filled with the pain I’d been trying to push away. It wasn’t working, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

I wanted to call him. He told me I could call him anytime, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know where to start.

Just then, the main phone rang, causing me to jump. The sudden movement landed both the bucket of soapy water and me on the floor. I was now a wet mess.

Without thinking, I tried to get up and ended up slipping on the sponge I’d also dropped on the floor. I went flying forward and landed face first in front of the stove. My cheek hit the marble tile with force. Tears were now stinging my eyes for an entirely different reason.

Stephan’s recorded voice came on, picking up the call, as I began slowly sitting up. I touched the part of my face that had hit the floor, and I winced as the machine beeped and the caller began speaking. My head rose as I once again heard Stephan’s voice coming through the answering machine, only this time he was the caller. 

“Brianna?” There was a long pause. “Call me, please. I’d like to speak with you this morning.”

I heard the click as he hung up the phone, leaving me not knowing what to do. Should I call him back now? Later? I wanted to talk to him, but what would I say? Plus, I couldn’t talk to him this way.

While I was debating what to do, the cell phone in my pocket began to vibrate, making me jump again. This time I managed not to fall or bang into anything.

The name across the caller ID was just as I knew it would be.

Stephan
.

I held the phone to my chest, but didn’t answer it. No matter how much I wanted to talk to him, I couldn’t. I needed . . .

I didn’t know what I needed, but I knew I wanted to be composed to talk to him. Not like I was now.

I had no idea how long I sat there before I heard keys in the door. Panic started to set in before I saw that it was Lily, not Stephan. She took one look at me, walked over, and helped me up. She wrapped her arms around me, and just when I thought the tears had dried up, more came.

Finally, I calmed down, and Lily helped me into my room. She ushered me into the shower, and told me she’d be back in a few minutes. I tried to enjoy the way the water felt against my skin, but I couldn’t. The only thing I wanted was Stephan.

Lily found me sitting in the shower, the water cascading down my head and back. She turned the water off and helped me to dry off. We went back into my room and I changed into clean clothes.

She guided me back out into the main room and walked toward the couch. We sat down, and she held my hand. It was nice. But it wasn’t Stephan. It wasn’t the same.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

Did I?

She was the only friend I had, and I needed a friend. I needed someone to tell me if I was going insane or not, so I started talking. “Cal came over yesterday.” I looked up and made sure she knew whom I was talking about. 

She just nodded, so I went on. 

“It was strange. I liked seeing him again, but it wasn’t the same as when we were little.” I added in a whisper, “I’m not the same.” She squeezed my hand tighter, but she didn’t speak. It was as if she knew I just needed to get it all out. “I was nervous the whole time he was here. Afraid he’d figure out that I’m . . . damaged. He tried to touch me last night and I . . . I . . . why can’t I just be good for him?”

I crumbled forward and she held me for a while, rocking me. She let me cry it out and then helped me clean myself up again with some tissues. 

“Stephan tried to touch you last night?” she asked. 

I nodded. How she’d managed to follow my random train of thought I had no idea, but I was grateful that I hadn’t needed to explain what I’d meant. 

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”

I tried very hard to keep the tears inside. “We were on my bed. He was kissing me and touching me. I liked it. Sometimes, when he touches me, I can forget.”

She smiled at me and wiped some more tears away from my face. I hadn’t realized I’d started crying again. “So you were enjoying it, and then what happened?”

“I don’t know! I mean . . . one minute he was touching me and then . . .”

When I didn’t finish, she said, “Then what?”

“It wasn’t him.”

“What do you mean it wasn’t him?”

“It was this other man. I don’t know his name, but he was a friend . . . of Ian’s. He would come by sometimes. He liked me.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry.”

“How do I make it stop, Lily? I want it to stop. Everything was going so good and then I messed it up.”

She brushed the hair back from my face. It reminded me of Stephan and made me miss him even more. I wanted him here more than anything. Nothing made me feel better than when he held me.

“You didn’t mess up. It sounds like you had a flashback. I think that’s normal.”

“But I want to be good for him.”

“Have you told Stephan what happened?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I fell asleep last night, and then he was gone this morning. He called me earlier, but I . . . I didn’t know what to say and didn’t answer the phone.” I lowered my head. “I was bad. He isn’t going to be happy with me.”

“He’s worried about you.”

My head snapped up. “You talked to him?”

“I spoke to him before I left.”

She encouraged me to call him. I wanted to, but I was nervous. In the end, though, it was the fact that I had done something wrong and needed to make it right that won out.

He answered on the first ring. “Brianna?”

“Hello, Sir.”

I heard him sigh. “Are you all right?”

“Yes. I’m all right. Lily’s here.”

“Good. Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

“You can do better than that, Brianna.”

“I . . . I was afraid that you were mad at me.”

“And you thought not answering my phone call would help the situation if I was?” he asked in a voice that clearly showed his displeasure in me.

“I’m sorry, Sir. I’ll not do it again.”

“You’re right. You won’t,” he said. I didn’t like the sound of that. “I have a meeting this afternoon, but I’ll be home after that. Have food finished by four. We will talk about this tonight.”

“Yes, Sir,” I said.

“Put Lily on the phone, Brianna.”

I handed the phone to her and stepped away. I’d been so afraid I’d messed up that I really had. If he hadn’t been upset with me before, then he certainly was now. He was most likely going to punish me when he got home, but it was the least I deserved. He’d been very clear that he had given me a cell phone so we could get in touch with each other at all times. I’d intentionally ignored him.

Lily walked into the kitchen as she talked. She looked like she was trying to calm him down. I knew I was going to be punished tonight. I just didn’t know how badly.

When she was finished, she hung up the phone and put it back in its cradle. “I’m staying with you until he gets home. He doesn’t want you left alone.”

I nodded and mumbled, “He doesn’t trust me.”

“He doesn’t want you left on your own today.”

I didn’t argue. It didn’t matter anyway. I liked having her here.

We didn’t talk about Stephan for the rest of the afternoon. Lily made us some lunch, and we watched television. She told me about Logan’s job, and how she missed him when he was out of town, like he was now. The way she talked about him, the way she felt, was almost how I felt about Stephan. He was everything to me. All I wanted was to make him happy.

When it was time to start making dinner, Lily came into the kitchen and helped me. It was nice having her there.

As we cooked, I remembered something I’d wanted to ask her. “Lily?”

“Hmm?” she asked as she chopped up some carrots for the salad.

“Can I ask you something?”

That got her attention. “You can ask me anything,” she said sincerely.

“Yesterday . . .Cal, well . . . he looked at me. Stared at me, I mean. And . . .” It still felt odd saying his name. “Stephan stared at me, too, but . . .”

“But . . .” she encouraged.

“But it was different. I mean, it didn’t feel the same when Cal did it.”

“I see,” she said. “And how did it feel when Cal was staring at you?”

I thought about it for a minute. It was hard to put into words. “Like . . . like he was trying to find something wrong with me.”

“And Stephan?”

“It made me feel uncomfortable, too, but not like with Cal. And I felt . . . warm? I don’t know how else to describe it.”

“So did you not
like
Stephan staring at you?”

“I don’t know. It’s . . . I feel like he’s looking at me without clothes on even if I’m fully dressed,” I whispered.

She laughed. “And do you ever look at him that way?”

I blushed. “I’ve only seen him without his clothes once.”

She smiled, obviously happy with that news for some reason. “I guess that would mean that you do,” she replied with a wink.

I hid my face and blushed again, only deeper this time. I could feel the heat in my cheeks. “Maybe, sometimes.”

At four o’clock, the food was ready and the table was set. All we were waiting on was Stephan. I took my apron off and went to wait by the door.

The lock turned and the door opened. I kept my head down as he walked straight past me to Lily. I knew she wouldn’t interfere with any punishment he gave me.

My heart sank when he didn’t greet me. He really was mad.

“Lily,” he greeted. “How is everything?”

“Good,” she answered. “Did you need me to do anything else? I need to get home and call Logan.”

“No. I think we’re fine here. Oh, and I called Logan to let him know what was going on. Thank you, Lily.”

“Anytime,” she replied as she began moving toward me. She hugged me, but I didn’t respond. I was too nervous. “I’ll see you later.” I heard her heels click across the floor and the door close. I knew that the time had come to face my fate.

He was moving around behind me, but he didn’t speak. I stayed where I was. There was more movement, then a chair scraping across the floor. “Come eat, Brianna.” Stephan’s voice was sharp and crisp, but still even and calm at the same time.

I made my way over to my chair and slowly sat down, keeping my head lowered. He put food on his plate and began eating before I served myself.

Dinner was tense. We didn’t always speak during meal times, but this was different. I knew I’d done wrong, and I just wanted him to punish me and get it over with, but that wasn’t my decision. I knew that.

When he was finished, he got up and went to his chair, leaving his dishes for me. I tried to finish, but without him there beside me, the food seemed tasteless. After a few more bites, I was done. As quietly as I could, I cleared the table and put the food away. The door to the dishwasher clicked shut, and I set the timer. 

“Bring your phone when you come.” 

His voice came out of nowhere and I jumped a little, startled. Quickly, I grabbed my phone from the counter where I’d left it earlier and went to his side. 

Instead of opening his arms to me as he usually did, he motioned to the floor. “On your knees, Brianna.” I complied and put my head down. “Give me your phone.” I did as he requested, and sat there waiting. He flipped the phone over in his hands a couple of times before hitting a few buttons. He set it down on his leg. “It appears to be working properly. I see no reason why you couldn’t return my phone call today in a timely manner.”

“No, Sir.”

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“There is no excuse, Sir. I should have picked up the phone when you called, or called you right back.”

He sighed. “I’ve told you more than once that communication is the most important thing between us. If you don’t tell me what is going on in that mind of yours, there is nothing I can do to help you. I’m not a mind reader, Brianna.”

I felt the weight of his disappointment in me.

His gaze burned through me even though I couldn’t see it. I just wanted to be in his arms again.

Stephan handed me back my phone. “Starting tomorrow, for the next week, you will text me at the top of every hour while I’m at the office. It will be no more than five minutes early and no more than five minutes late. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“If you miss one, Brianna, there will be consequences,” he said pointedly.

“I understand.”

“Good. Now go put your phone on the charger and come back.”

I did what he said and returned to his side. This time he indicated that I was to sit in his lap. It felt so good to be there. I didn’t ever want to upset him again, although I knew I would.

“Now, you said on the phone that you were afraid I’d be upset with you. Why?” Stephen asked.

“Because of last night. I . . . I messed up.”

He sighed. “You didn’t mess up, Brianna. Have I ever been upset with you before when you’ve had a bad reaction to something?”

“No,” I whispered.

“No,” he confirmed. “Then why would you think that my view would suddenly change?”

I was quiet for a long while before I answered him. “I wanted to make you happy. I failed.”

His hands surrounded my face, brushing the moisture from my cheeks. “You didn’t fail. This is a process. We set the pace. If we need to go slower, we’ll go slower.” 

I nodded.

“Can you tell me what happened? You seemed to be enjoying my touching you, and then everything changed.”

The next half hour was difficult for me. He’d not been satisfied with my skimming over details of my flashback. He wanted to know everything, from how often Ian’s friend had used me to how he found pleasure in shoving as many different objects inside me as he could find. It had become a challenge for him to see what strange and unusual item would fit inside me. Ian hadn’t cared, and even encouraged his friend’s game.

Stephan listened in silence for the most part, comforting and encouraging me when I arrived at a difficult bit. I didn’t want to relive this, but I’d do it for him. I’d do
anything
for him.