I lied in my bed curled up in a ball. The tears soaked my pillow, and my nose was so clogged I could barely breathe. I didn’t care. My grandfather was dead. The man who would sit me on his lap and tell me stories, would never speak again. I’d never again feel his stubble on my cheek when I hugged him.
The tears filled my eyes, the pain consumed me. My parents tried to get me to leave my room, but there was no point. The only place I wanted to be was in bed.
Suddenly, my bed dipped down and warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me close. I turned, burying my head into Zach’s spice-cookie-scented chest. He kissed my forehead then brushed the damp hair off my face, making the pain a little more bearable.
“Why don’t you get dressed and come out with me?”
I shook my head and drew myself closer to him. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to see anyone. Except him. He was the only person I could face. The only person who wouldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to.
His hand rested under my chin and gently raised it until my eyes met his. “Please?” he asked, pouting his lip in that puppy-dog way.
I didn’t need a mirror to know I had mascara streaked down my cheeks and red puffy eyes. “I look awful.”
He tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled. “We could put a bag over your head.”
And for the first time since the news shattered me into peanut brittle, a laugh slipped out.
His finger rested at the corner of my lip. “I missed your laugh.” His thumbs wiped the tears from my cheeks and he kissed my forehead. “Your grandfather wouldn’t want this.”
He was right. He always was.
“Come on. It’ll be good to get out.”
I nodded and he kissed my nose before I dragged myself from the comfort of his arms and to the bathroom to make myself look somewhat acceptable for public viewing.
“Babe, you almost ready?” Joe’s voice pulled me back to the present.
“In a minute,” I yelled through the door.
I put the key chain back in its bubble and dropped it in the box, trapping it and all the memories with it. I slid it under my bed and walked over to my dresser. Just like that day after my grandfather’s death, mascara was smeared across my cheeks. I rubbed my hands across, wiping it away.
I swiped some blush across my cheeks and smeared on my candy-apple lip gloss. The television echoed on the other side of the door and I could bet money Joe had fallen asleep.
Zach never fell asleep when waiting for me. And even though I was desperate to keep the memories locked away in my box, I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering back.
I emerged from the bathroom fresh-faced. Zach leaned against my headboard, legs crossed, hands behind his head. His eyes shot up, and he smiled.
“Much better. Though you always look beautiful.”
Only he could make me actually believe that line of bullshit.
“Where are we going?”
He stood and engulfed me in a classic Zach hug. “It’s a surprise.” He kissed my nose and took my hand, leading me back to civilization.
Two weeks earlier he had gotten his license, and he had his mom’s car waiting for us. He ran in front of me and opened the passenger door. I laughed at his chivalry, and he tickled my sides.
After two days of being lost in the dark, it was nice to find the light again. My grandfather was gone and it sucked. And in the beginning I didn’t want to laugh. I didn’t want to smile. But just as Zach reminded me, my grandfather wouldn’t want that.
In the car Zach linked his fingers with mine and pulled the back of my hand to his lips.
I pointed to the steering wheel with my other hand. “Ten and two. Did you not learn anything in Driver’s Ed?” I said with a smile.
Amusement flashed in his dark eyes. “I thought it was eleven and one.”
“Did you charm the driving instructor to get your license?”
“Jealous?”
“Never.” I smiled and for a brief second he took his eyes off the road to connect with mine. He kissed my hand again and pulled into the parking lot of the local supermarket.
“This is your idea of getting out of the house?” I asked.
“We’re just stopping for the necessities. Chocolate, soda and chips. And when I cleaned up last night I noticed you were out of brown sugar, so we should add that to the list.”
He got out of the car and I met him at the front and threw my arms around him. “What’s this for?” he asked, breath warm against my cheek.
“For remembering the brown sugar.” I’d be a crazed lunatic if I couldn’t sleep and had no brown sugar to make cookies. And he knew that. He knew I threw myself into baking until I was able to deal with how I felt. “But mainly for just being you.”
He took my hand and spun me, pulling me back into his chest. He kissed my nose and then bent. “Hop on.”
I jumped up on his back, pressed his face against my lips and kissed his cheek. He ran, spinning in circles and jumping up and down. I laughed so loud people stared. But I didn’t care. I never did when I was with Zach.
Inside there was a line of quarter machines. Zach liked to guess what he would get, but he was always wrong. One time he wound up with a princess sticker instead of a bouncy ball.
He smirked up at me. “An elephant charm.”
“A frog keychain,” I said.
“Do you want to do the honors?” I took the quarter he held up to me. He leaned forward and I slipped up his back, but he held on tightly.
I placed the quarter in the machine and turned. He knelt down, me still hanging to him, and opened the metal door, revealing a clear bubble with a red plastic top. He popped the top off and I threw my hands up in victory, sliding off his back.
Still on his knees he turned to me, taking my hand in his. “Lucky guess.” He winked at me, but then he turned serious. He slid the round silver key chain on my finger, the frog dangling to the side. “Lizzie, I promise to always love you. Always be there for you. And always find a way to make you laugh.”
Just words. That’s all they were.
I fluffed my hair and walked back into the living room. Joe’s eyes were closed, legs up on the coffee table, arms crossed over his chest. His defined biceps pushed against his sleeves.
He looked so peaceful, and I hated to wake him, but I needed to get out. Needed fresh air. “Ready,” I said, picking up the remote and turning off the television.
Joe startled awake, then jumped up, giving me a once-over and smiling his approval. I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder. Warm arms wrapped around my waist, and I settled against Joe’s chest.
“We could stay here, and you know . . .” Joe whispered, raining a trail of sensuous kisses down my neck.
“We could.” I turned, catching his bottom lip with my teeth. His mouth parted and just as I was about to deepen the kiss, Zach’s face popped into my head. You had got to be kidding me. Without thinking, I pushed my hands into Joe’s chest and shoved him away.
“Whoa!” he called out, eyes narrowing in on me. “What was that?”
Crap. I needed to think up something. Anything. I couldn’t tell him my ex popped into my mind the very minute I went to stick my tongue down his throat.
“We shouldn’t start something we can’t finish.” It sounded good in my head, but as soon as the words came out, I knew what was running through Joe’s mind. We never finished.
Ever.
So I was eighteen and hanging on to my v-card. Big deal. Some people held on to it well into their twenties. I had time.
Luckily, he didn’t bring it up. Instead he nodded and tossed me a smile. “You’re right. I told Scott I’d get there early to help the band set up.”
Oh, great. He forgot to tell me that little tidbit of information. That was just how I wanted to spend my night, sitting on the sidelines while Joe pretended to be part of the band. But maybe Sadie would show up after her babysitting duties to see if Matt was hanging out. Poor girl was crushing hard.
I made a mental note to text her in the car. Joe took my hand, kissed the side of my head, and I followed him out the door, leaving all thoughts of Zach behind me.
Chapter 4
Trax was a dive bar close to campus where they didn’t ID and beers were sold by the bucketful. Permanent markers were placed in cups on the tables for your writing/drawing pleasure. The walls and tables were covered with song lyrics, love notes and some pretty impressive artwork.
It still reeked of cigarettes from the days when it was legal to smoke inside and choke your nonsmoking friends into an unhealthy cough-fest.
We didn’t even get two feet in before Joe ditched me for the band. Scott, the lead singer (who really screamed more than he sang), was setting up the microphone. Evan “E-Rock” Rochler, a somewhat dorky kid with glasses, thought jumping around the stage made up for his lack of talent. Then there was their bassist Charlie, who had more talent in her little finger than the boys combined, plugging into her amp.
I found an open booth in the corner and slid in. Thank heavens. The last thing I wanted was to stand all night getting bumped by some jackasses who thought they were moshing.
My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from my brother Josh.
We still on this weekend?
Josh was two hours away studying at his dream school, but we took turns visiting each other. Really, he visited me more since I was only an hour from home and he could see our parents in the same weekend.
Yup. Can’t wait J
I picked up a red Sharpie and started drawing. I drew a circle then looped another half circle on top.
“Don’t tell me you still draw that silly dog?” My head shot up at the voice. Blood rushed to my cheeks, but I couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. I looked down at the half-finished drawing then back up at Zach. His hand rested on the table and my brain betrayed me by taking a minute to remind me of how I used to draw it on his hand. And then the picture on my Zach box flashed in my head. I had to take the damn box out, didn’t I?
“My dog is not silly,” I spat and continued drawing the eyes and nose, too aware of the boy I once loved sitting across from me, and how those hands used to feel on me. “What are you doing here anyway?”
“Matt invited me.” He tossed his thumb over his shoulder in Matt’s direction just as Sadie walked in. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, leaning closer to the table. To me.
I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to look into those damn eyes of his. They were capable of turning stone to lava and should seriously have been registered as lethal weapons.
I focused on the whiskers of my awesome dog drawing. “I support my friends. I don’t ditch them.” I couldn’t help glancing up and taking pleasure in the wince my words caused.
“That’s not what I meant. I was surprised to see you at school today. I just always thought you’d go to a big, fancy, out-of-state school.”
I was supposed to. It was the plan. But life screwed me again. Those rejection letters had turned my already scorched heart to ash. I pushed the painful memories away and made the mistake of looking up. “I could say the same thing about you,” I said, my voice no more than a whisper.
Just looking into his familiar eyes caused a rush of feelings I didn’t want to revisit.
I needed to get away. I needed my best friend—the one who didn’t leave me behind. Before Zach could say another word I jumped up. I didn’t care that Sadie was strutting towards Matt; I needed her. But I didn’t want to lose my sweet-ass table.
So as much as it killed me to ask him, I sucked it up and did. “I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just stay here till I get back?” Sadness washed over me as soon as the words were out.
His final words the last time we were face-to-face haunted my thoughts.
I promise you we’ll be together again. Less than two years till I get back.
He might be back now, but he was the one who stopped calling. I was trying to deal with Zach attending the same college as me—even accepting him sitting next to me in class—but hanging out with my friends was a whole other story. Especially when he was acting like nothing had changed. Didn’t he get it?
Everything had changed.
Before I could let him see the emotion play out on my face, I ran to Sadie who threw her head back and laughed at whatever Matt had just said.
I could see why Sadie liked him. While he was shorter than most guys, he still towered over her five-foot-three frame. His trademark Red Sox baseball cap, a homage to where he was born, and polo shirts combined the two types of guys she always leaned towards: jocks and preps.
Sadie had carried a torch for Matt for as long as I could remember. One day in the seventh grade Sadie had missed her bus, and Matt walked her home even though his bus was still in the parking lot, and he lived on the opposite end of town. Ever since that day Sadie laughed at whatever Matt said, even if it wasn’t funny, and would always find subtle ways to touch him.
She’d kill me later for pulling her away, but I grabbed her arm and tugged anyway. Poor Matt was left alone in midsentence.
Sadie narrowed her smoky eyes. “Liz, what the hell?”
“Did you see who’s here?” Her black hair was sleeked into a sexy ponytail that swayed when she went to look over her shoulder. I swatted at her arm.
“Don’t look!” Sheesh. Did I really have to explain that?
In the most pathetic attempt not to look obvious, she stretched her arms over her head and glanced behind her. She turned back, smoky gray eyes boring in on me. “Come on, what’s the big deal?” Sadie asked. I was happy she didn’t notice my eye roll. “It’s not like we’re going to hang out with him. He’s just here. You have to remember he had the same friends as us, and he stayed in contact with them.”