Never Enough: A New Adult Romance (21 page)

“Not really,” I said, being a lot more honest than I’d planned on being.

She sat up, her eyes suddenly filled with concern. “Is it about Tempie? Because she came home with two guys and was crying and started packing stuff up…”

My heart dropped. “She was packing things up?”

“Yeah…you didn’t know?”

“No,” I said, rubbing a hand over my face. I’d expected her to keep her distance, but to start moving out? I hadn’t expected that. I also hadn’t expected it to hurt so much either.

Deidre kept watching me as she asked, “What happened?”

“Well…we broke up…I guess.”

“You guess?”

“We were never really together.”

“Really? What were you two then?”

“Fucking. That’s what,” I said bitterly. “We were fucking.”

“Oh,” Deidre said. “I thought so.”

“Look,” I said, glancing toward my room. I didn’t want to get into this with her right now. “I need to go to bed. So we’ll talk later?”

Deidre swallowed as hurt flashed through her eyes. But I didn’t give a damn right now. I couldn’t think about anyone else but me at the moment.

“Right, if you need anything let me know,” she managed to say and I merely nodded.

“Thanks,” I said, but I didn’t make it far before she stopped me once more.

“You’re better than him, you know? You deserve far more than you think.”

I didn’t think I deserved much, especially after what I’d just done.

“You always were the optimist,” I said.

“Not so much anymore. Dad has a way of making sure of that,” she said with a sad smile. 

For the first time in years I felt sorry for her, for what she must have been through with my dad. I needed to tell her something, anything to lift her spirits.

“You know, I was pissed for a long time for what you did, but Deidre, I’m not so much anymore. You did what you had to do to survive with dad. I get it.”

Deidre’s eyes filled with unshed tears and she blinked furiously. “Thank you,” she whispered.

I wished I could feel like a saint, but the truth was I’d partially forgiven my sister because I had no more energy to hate. I was so damn tired. I just wanted to sleep.

“You’re welcome,” I said as my head began to throb.

I rubbed my temples as Deidre spoke up once more. “And Damien, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Temperance, but don’t let yourself be pushed down by people like dad or…Sophia.”

My eyes snapped up and I shifted on my feet.

She diverted her gaze and glanced at the bedspread. “I lived like that for far too long, guilted into being something I wasn’t. It eats away from you and one day you wake up and don’t realize who you are.”

My eyes narrowed at her as a tear slipped down her cheek. I didn’t know what to say, so I just grunted.

“Just follow your heart. You taught me to do that. You followed your heart a long time ago and I hope you’re still following it now…anyway, that’s my speech. Goodnight, Damien.”

“Goodnight, Deidre,” I managed to say before turning on my heels and walking slowly toward my room. Deidre’s words rang like clanging bells through my aching head. When I got inside, it felt empty. I missed Temperance already. I felt like I was withering from the inside out. I could almost feel myself aging. I slowly lowered myself on the edge of my bed and stared at the wall. I don’t know how long I sat like that, but when my phone vibrated a while later, I realized two hours had passed.

Jonathan’s name and his text message flashed across the screen.

Practice with the band tomorrow. And bring your girl.

Fuck. She wasn’t my girl anymore. Not that I wanted to tell Jonathan that. Not yet. So I shot him a text back.

I’ll see if she can come.

Then I clicked her name on my phone and stared at the empty text box. What the fuck was I supposed to say? Would she even reply? I didn’t know the answer, so I just kept it simple.

Band practice tomorrow at 4.

I stared at the screen until she replied ten minutes later.

ok.

Shit. That wasn’t even an answer. I didn’t know what to say back, so I just clicked my phone off and flopped onto my pillow. I rubbed my eyes, feeling incredibly tired, but unsure if I was going to be able to sleep.

I really needed to calm the fuck down. Reaching into my nightstand, I pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills the doctor had prescribed me right after Sophia had died. I glanced at the expiration date and was glad that they were still good. I’d stopped taking them a few months ago, but with the empty room and the cold bed, I knew there was no way I’d fall asleep without them.

So I popped one in my mouth and swallowed. I could feel it scratching its way down my throat as I turned onto my side.

Eventually I dozed off. But even in my dreams Temperance was there.

So the pills had been a pointless solution. I felt like shit the next day anyway.

***

“You look terrible,” Asher said, his eyes assessing me as I bent to plug in an amp. I knew I did and I was in a mood to match. Last night I’d been sad and now I was so angry I felt like anything would send me over the edge.

“Thanks,” I replied dryly. “You look like shit too.”

His eyebrows rose as Jonathan walked toward me. He looked happy as fuck and I wanted to wipe that wry smile off his face. “Hey, you never told us if Temperance was coming or not.”

“I’m not sure if she is,” I said, feeling suddenly sick to my stomach. Just thinking about seeing her again made my head throb painfully.

Jonathan regarded me for a moment before his eyes widened. “What happened?”

“It’s over between us,” I said nonchalantly. I didn’t want him to pry because I knew I was going to lose control any second. I was this close to saying something I didn’t mean so I added, “I fucked it up, okay?”

“Shit,” Jonathan said, gripping the guitar he was holding tightly. “Seriously? And this is all because of Sophia?”

His voice was rising in frustration, causing my brain to knock around in my skull.

“Keep your voice down.” I rubbed my temples.

“Hell no. I’m not going to keep my shit down,” Jonathan said angrily. “You really need to get it together, bro. You’re fucking up big time.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” I replied, my voice rising. “I lost the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, okay? I’m not fucking stupid.”

“You are stupid and it’s all because of some fucking promise you made to Sophia,” Jonathan said. He was really on a roll now. “You really need to get your head out of your ass before you disappear entirely. Temperance was good for you. For the first time in a long time you seemed alive.”

I’d felt alive too, not that it mattered. “It’s over. Okay? Just drop it.”

“No, I’m not going too. I let this go on long enough. It’s not okay. Not at all.”

I could feel my insides starting to boil. “Just fucking drop it,” I bit out.

Jonathan looked like he wanted to pummel me, but instead he kept his hands on his guitar and asked, “What happened? She fell for you and you did what? Told her it couldn’t happen?”

“Why the hell do you care?”

“Because you’re my brother in law.”

“Not anymore,” I replied.
“Just answer my question,” he demanded.

“Fine, yes. I told her it couldn’t happen.”

“Dammit! She wouldn’t have wanted that,” Jonathan said and his words pushed me over the edge. He was a know-it-all bastard and at the moment I hated him.

“How the fuck do you know?” I bit out. “She might have been your twin, but I fucking loved her. I fucking married her, you little shit. So leave me the fuck alone. You didn’t know her like I did.” I was shouting now. I could feel Asher and Jude staring at me, both knowing my past, but never seeing me out of control like this. I was a crazy person.

Jonathan had, though. I was the same way after Sophia died. I’d lost my damn mind then and I was losing it all over again.

“I know you loved her,” Jonathan said softly now, his eyes full of understanding. “But you can’t live like this. You need to move on.”

“Really? Don’t you think I would if could? But I feel so damn guilty all the time.”

“She didn’t make you promise that,” Jonathan said, walking toward me. “You put that on yourself. You marked yourself with her words so you could never move on. She never wanted that.”

I knew he was right, but I was so angry I could barely breathe. “Fuck you,” I said, my voice wobbling uncontrollably. I was going to cry and I never cried. Especially not in front of my friends.

“Hey?” The familiar voice drifted over us and the four of us froze as Temperance made her way into the warehouse. She looked just as good as she always did. The only difference was she looked like she hadn’t slept. Dark circles sat heavily beneath her eyes and they looked a little red from crying. I’d done that to her. I was a fucker for getting involved with her in the first place. I should have known it was going to end like this, all red and messy.

“Hey,” Jude said, his eyes nervously shifting from me to her. Asher just tapped his foot nervously on the floor.

“Everything okay?” she asked warily. I wondered how much she’d heard, how long she’d been standing outside eavesdropping, but at the moment I didn’t really care.

“Yeah,” Jonathan said, turning to look at me. He placed his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off. I hated how he pushed me to move on. I hated how he didn’t understand that it had only been a year since she’d died and he didn’t give a fuck about my feelings. He was the same selfish prick he’d always been. He only cared about himself.

“No, its not. I’m done here,” I said venomously. “I quit.”

It was probably an overreaction, but I was so mad I didn’t even care. I shoved my hands in my pockets and strode past a wide-eyed Temperance. I didn’t even bother to look back or grab my guitar. I wouldn’t need it anymore anyway. I was done with everything. They could all go to hell.

Jonathan could tell Temperance whatever he wanted. I was pretty sure she’d overheard it anyway. And I hope she felt like shit once she found out too. I was pissed. Pissed at Jonathan for getting all up in my shit and for Temperance for looking so damn good and breaking my heart.

I was fed up with it all.

Chapter Eighteen

Temperance

“Um, should I go?” I asked warily after the metal door clanged shut. I’d been reluctant to show up in the first place because I knew Damien was going to be here, but in the end I decided it wouldn’t be fair to the guys if I didn’t come.

And now I was wishing I hadn’t even bothered. I’d showed up a few minutes ago to raised voices and things about Damien’s life he probably didn’t want me to know. But I’d stood outside anyway with my ear pressed up against the door, like a total jerk, and listened to every word. And now it all made sense. He’d married her and she’d left him. No wonder he was scared to love again.

I felt Jonathan’s eyes on me and he sighed heavily. He’d taken a beating by Damien and I felt sorry for him. They were best friends. I couldn’t imagine talking to Maggie like that, but Jonathan didn’t seem overly bothered by it.

“Hey. I’m glad you came,” he said, gesturing for me to come over. Reluctantly I obeyed.

When I finally stopped in front of him, he shook his head. “How much did you overhear?”

I shrugged, not sure what to say. I didn’t want to admit that I’d been standing outside listening, but I also had a feeling he was about to tell me everything Damien wouldn’t.

“A few things…”

“So everything,” Jonathan interrupted. “Let’s cut to the chase, Tempie. I think there are a few things you need to know about Damien and it’s obvious he’s not going to share them with you.”

“Okay,” I replied. It was all I could say as my heart hammered in my chest. Jonathan led me over to the couch and handed me a beer. This time I actually opened it up and took a sip. I hated beer, but I drank it anyway. Jude and Asher thankfully both busied themselves with the equipment, giving Jonathan and me our space.

“So, I don’t even know where to begin…”

“You don’t have to tell me,” I interrupted, earning a glower from Jonathan.

“Yes I do. Because Damien is a stubborn sonofabitch and you need to know.”

I just nodded, taking another sip of my drink.

“So I met Damien when I was seventeen. We didn’t go to the same high school or anything, but we happened to meet at a lacrosse game. Even though we were on opposing teams, we became friends over our love for music and girls. After that we became really good friends. He was a real dick back then, but it was when he met my sister…Sophia…”

I gulped. “Sophia was your sister?” I’d overheard that earlier, but I thought my mind was playing tricks on me.

He nodded. “My twin. It was when he met my sister that everything changed. Sophia was everything I wasn’t.” I noticed the past tense, but didn’t want to interrupt again. Instead I let him continue.

“She was loud, confident and downright scary at times. She always let you know what she was thinking and she caught Damien’s attention right away. Not that she liked him,” he said with a chuckle. “She hated him at first, but he eventually wore her down. Damien has a way of doing that. I was worried she was going to be just another fuck for him, but he really liked her. He proved it by sticking with her through the chemo treatments.”

“Chemo?” I asked, nearly choking on my words. What the hell was going on? How did I not know about this?

“Sophia was diagnosed with brain cancer when she was eighteen. She died a year ago,” Jonathan explained.

“Oh my God,” I said, my voice now a whisper. I placed my hand over my mouth as my eyes welled with tears. I suddenly felt guilty for hating her. She wasn’t even alive and she’d died in the worst possible way.

“He loved her, Temperance. And not just during the good times, but in the bad too. He gave up his family for her. He gave up school so he could sit with her through every treatment. He loved her when she couldn’t love herself, when she lost her hair and felt ugly, when she had to be fed intravenously, when she was so tired she couldn’t even wake up. He was the best thing that ever happened to Sophia and he loved her like I’ve never seen anyone love someone before.”

I couldn’t believe it. I started to grasp for the random facts he’d given me. “He told me his father disowned him…”

“Because he was going to give up school and travel Europe with Sophia. He knew their days were numbered and he wanted to give her everything on her bucket list. They lived overseas for months…until she had to come home because she got too sick. His dad knew what he was doing, but didn’t care. Dietrich Swift is a total shit.”

“I get that,” I replied, blinking back tears. “I heard him say that he married her…” My heart ached just thinking about it and not because I was jealous, but because I couldn’t imagine marrying someone only to have them die.

“Yeah, he did. Before they left for Europe, he drove her to Vegas and they got hitched.”

“Why didn’t he tell me he was married?”

“Because he’s too proud. He hates pity, but sometimes I wish he’d just tell people so they’d understand him better. If he’d told you it would have made a difference, right?”

I nodded. “Yes, but I still don’t think he’ll ever be able to want me like I want him. That won’t ever change.”

Jonathan shook his head, frustration lining his features. “That’s because he made her a dumb ass promise to never love someone ever again. He even inked it into his skin.”

“Oh my God…I’ve seen the tattoos, but I didn’t know what they meant. He never let me read them. Is that what they are?”

Jonathan shook his head. “They’re mostly a tribute to Sophia. The first few were her poems. He put them on his skin for her. Sophia even got a few of his poems tattooed on her before she got really sick, but then after she died, he went a little crazy. He inked the promise into his skin. It was something he forced on himself. It was not what Sophia wanted for him.”

“I had no idea,” I replied, exhaustion and sadness washing over me.

“I know. Damien is so fucking stubborn. It’s one of his biggest flaws.” Jonathan ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. Leaning forward he met my gaze. “He does love you, Tempie. I’ve only ever seen him like this with one other person.”

“Sophia?” I asked and Jonathan nodded. My heart swelled and that fickle hope lunged its head once again.

“Yeah, he was crazy for her and he’s clearly crazy over you.”

I shook my head, trying to remain realistic. “It doesn’t matter, though. He won’t admit it and after what you’ve told me, he won’t move past her.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes to the ceiling and sighed heavily. “Yeah, I guess. God, he’s so frustrating. I really worry about him, you know? I’ve only ever seen him this angry after Sophia died. After that, he went to a really dark place.”

“Did he…you know? Hurt himself?” I had to ask.

“No, but he went so crazy that I thought maybe he would.”

I suddenly wanted to be with Damien. I wanted to hold him, to tell him that it would be okay. “What should I do?”

“Just be kind to him. He needs to work through this on his own. If he doesn’t he’ll never be fully yours. He’ll always be living with the demons of his past.”

I gulped, nodding. “So just be his friend?”

Jonathan met my gaze. “Be his friend, continue loving him and never give up because once he’s on your side, he’s persistent as fuck and he’s loyal as all get out. He’s worth it.”

I lowered my eyes, feeling suddenly incredibly guilty. “I gave up on him, but I promise, I didn’t know.”

“I know that. I don’t blame you and don’t feel guilty. Damien has enough of that bottled up inside to go around. Just continue to be yourself and this will all work out. I know it will. It has to.”

I managed a small smile for him. I hoped he was right because, even though I didn’t think it was possible, I loved Damien even more. What an amazing man. What an amazing soul. 

There was no way in hell he was getting away this time.

***

I stayed away that night and the next. I really wanted to go to Damien, but I needed to process everything I’d learned from Jonathan. I was afraid that if I rushed over to see him, I’d be sloppy and cry and make him mad. He seemed really angry when he’d left the warehouse and I didn’t want him to think I pitied him. According to Jonathan, that would really set him off. I’d already done enough damage. I wanted him give him his space so he could cool off.

So two days after Damien stormed out of the warehouse, I went back to the house we rented, hoping to catch him. We worked different shifts the past two days so I hadn’t seen him at work and because of that, I was anxious to see him. Only when I arrived, Deidre told me he wasn’t home. That he’d taken off two days ago and she didn’t know when he was going to be home.

I shot him a text, suddenly anxious to see if he was okay and heard his phone beep in the next room. My heart sunk as I stepped into his room and saw his phone lying on his bed. He hadn’t taken it with him. He’d cut me off. Cut off everyone. I was suddenly so worried I thought I was going to be sick.

Where had he gone? Was he okay? I immediately shot Jonathan a text and received a phone call back.

“Hello?” I said warily.

“You’re telling me that little shit left without his phone?” Jonathan asked me, worry in his voice. He didn’t even bother with hello.

“Well, Deidre said he left two days ago and his phone’s in his room.”

“Shit,” Jonathan muttered.

“Is he okay?” I asked, tears starting to drip down my cheeks. “I did this. I made him too angry and he left. What if he’s hurt? What if he’s not okay?”

“No,” Jonathan said, reassuringly. “I pushed him over the edge. Damien was mad. I’m sure he’s fine. If we don’t hear from him in a few days I’ll call my dad we’ll put out a missing persons report. But I think he’s fine. He disappeared for a few days after Sophia died too. He came back in one piece.”

“Oh God,” I nearly sobbed.

“Just go to your brothers and try and relax. I’ll text you if I hear from him.”

I nodded even though he couldn’t hear my response before hanging up the phone and sinking onto his bed. Deidre peered around the corner, her eyes wide with worry.

“You okay?” she asked and I shook my head.

And when she came over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, I just cried into her neck like she was best friend. I didn’t care that we barely knew each other. I was just so fucking worried and so damn sad. Nothing mattered anymore. I only wanted Damien home safe and sound.

And when he got home I was going to kill him.

***

Sunday brunch with my parents was a total disaster. I showed up late because I found myself up most nights the past week, staring at my phone hoping to hear from Jonathan. I still hadn’t heard from Damien and neither had anyone else. It had been eight days. Eight days since he left. Everyone was worried, including our boss Peter. Apparently Damien had taken a leave of absence, forcing Peter to take over his shifts. Deidre had actually gotten a job working at the coffee shop to fill in when Peter couldn’t. I guess one of the odd jobs she used to work was at a coffee cart in a mall. She made a pretty good addition in either case and she actually saved Damien from getting totally canned, if he ever came back. I was starting to really like her.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said, striding into the dining room. I’d been ignoring my mom’s phone calls the past few days because I didn’t care much to hear what she had to say. I was growing incessantly tired of listening to her voicemails too. They were just constant rants about me moving home and then she’d threaten that they’d stop paying for school. I ended up just deleting them without listening to them. There was nothing like being scared shitless and having a broken heart to put everything in perspective.

Damien, despite being totally in love with him, was an inspiration to me. He’d given up everything for the girl he’d loved. He was strong and defiant and everything I wanted to be. I was tired of being pushed around by my parents. I didn’t want to hurt them purposefully, but I needed to do what was right for me. It was time to break the news to them. And I wasn’t even scared. I was just tired. 

I lowered myself into a chair next to my mom. Nik and Jed were both sitting across the table from me. Jed looked incredibly proud while Nik sat there anxiously. I’d discussed my plans to break the news to my parents with both of them the night before and both promised they’d be there to support me. I really appreciated their presence, especially Nik’s. I knew the whole familial conflict thing wasn’t really his idea of a good time.

“Like the hair,” Jed said softly with a wink and I pulled on the bright red strands that now ran through my hair. Maggie had suggested something a little different and I’d agreed. The purple I’d previously had in my hair reminded me too much of Damien and everything we shared for those few blissful days. The red symbolized how I was feeling at the moment. Broken. Bleeding. Injured.

“Why are you late?” my mother asked, her light green eyes glaring at me. She always hated it when I showed up late. She called it a lack of respect. I just called it having better things to do.

“I haven’t been sleeping good,” I replied, fiddling with my fork, which lay next to my plate properly. To be honest I hadn’t been doing so well, besides not sleeping, I hadn’t eaten much either. I was just too stressed and just thinking about shoving food into my face made me nauseous.