Never Let Go (Take My Hand) (18 page)

“Do you believe
in an afterlife?” I asked curiously.

“Um…” he pondered
for a moment, knitting his eyebrows together in contemplation. “I guess I’m
hoping so. I mean… I never did before. I always believed we go back to whatever
we were before we were born. Nothing. I believe in science, not religion. Our
bodies are just machines – once they switch off, that’s it. But then,
even though the rational side of me still truly believes that, a little piece
of me hopes I’ll get to see our mum again.”

I hope he does
too. She’ll take good care of him, I know she will.

“Do you
feel
any different? I suppose what I
mean is, do you feel like you’re dying?”

“Yes,” he said
simply and my head jerked back a little in shock. “I feel it coming closer
every day. I feel my body slowing down… growing heavier.”

“That could be
mind over matter though, right? Because you know it’s coming, you just don’t
know when?”

“Sure. Could be.
I’m not professing to have a degree in the death experience, Emmie.’ Chris’
tone was playful and it instantly eased the anxiousness I was feeling. The
conversation was turning depressingly serious, and I think Chris foresaw that
and was trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, Dex?”

“Mmhmm,” he
answered lazily. Dexter had been chilling back on the armchair with his head
flopped backwards onto the cushion and his eyes closed.

“Will you take me
to the garage for a couple of hours?”

“Chris…” I
started to scold, but he put his whole hand over my mouth like he used to do to
shut me up when we were kids.

“I want to sort
through my stuff. Who knows if I’ll get the chance again?”

“Sure, dude,”
Dexter agreed, so I flipped him the evil eye. “Doll,” he breathed and I knew by
his tone he was about to patronise me. And by patronise, I mean make sense
whether I wanted to believe it or not. “Chris is right. What if he feels like
shit again tomorrow? I’ll stay with him, don’t worry.”

“Hey, do you mind
not talking about me as if I’m an eight year old needing a babysitter!”

“Come on, man,
you could drop dead as a sack of shit any time. Of course you need a
babysitter.”

I rolled my eyes,
fighting against the urge to yell at Dexter for saying something so
insensitive. But of course, deep down I knew he
wasn’t
being insensitive – he was treating Chris exactly how
he wanted to be treated. Normal. He was making fun of him like he would anyone
else around him and so as much as the words hurt, I knew in some bizarre way
they would actually be of comfort to Chris.

“Okay, well don’t
be long. Remember Paula is coming round at five.”

“Sure, Emmie. I
won’t stay out past my curfew I promise.”

“Sod off,” I
spat. “I just worry about you.”

“I know you do,
sis. And I bloody love you for it.”

**********

Paula turned up
twenty minutes early and Chris and Dexter still weren’t back from the garage. I
offered an awkward apology and made her a cup of tea while we waited. Once we
were sitting down together in the living room, I became suddenly glad that we
were alone because I could quiz her about some things that were bothering me
without Chris worrying about me.

“So what do you
think it means?” I asked nervously after telling her about Chris’ sudden burst
of energy. “I thought once he started going down, he’d keep going until… well…
until there was nowhere left to go.”

“There could be a
number of reasons, Emily. What you suggested, about the calm before the storm?
That is widely heard of, and so of course is a possibility. It could also be
that his tumour has swelled and maybe shifted just slightly, releasing the
pressure on certain parts of his brain. Unfortunately with these types of
illnesses, there are no certainties. We can only take each day as it comes.”

“We’re supposed
to be going to a concert tomorrow. Do you think that will be too much for him?”

“Does Chris think
it will be too much?”

“No. He said he
wants to go while he feels well enough and that he’ll come home if that
changes.”

“Then I would
say, trust him. Only your brother knows what he’s capable of right now. The
time to worry about how things may affect his illness has passed I’m afraid.
Now, all you can do is help him make the most of the time he has left.” I felt
the muscles in my face drop at the same time tears began to stab at the backs
of my eyes. “Emily you’re doing great,” Paula tried to assure, edging closer and
putting her hand on my knee.

“I just feel like
I should be
doing
something. I don’t
even know what, but it just doesn’t feel right to carry on like nothing’s
happening.”

“Yet I promise you,
carrying on as normal is the
best
thing
you can do. Time with your brother is precious for both of you. Don’t waste it.”

“Thank you, Pau-”
I began, but cut myself off at the sound of a key in the door. “Oh good.
They’re home.” Wow. In just a couple of short sentences, she had made me see
things in a whole new light. She made me feel better about everything… for now
at least.

“Sorry we’re
late,” Dexter apologised as he shrugged out of his jacket. “Road works.”

“Yeah, there’s a
huge hole in the road near Asda. The whole road is blocked off. There were
diversion signs of course, but Mr I Know Better over here thought he knew a
quicker way.”

“Hey!” Dexter
protested. “It
would’ve
been quicker…
If we hadn’t gotten lost.”

“If
you
hadn’t gotten lost you mean.”

“Hey guys, as
entertaining as this little bromantic quarrel is, I don’t think that’s what
Paula has come to listen to.”

“Right, yeah.
Sorry,” Dexter mumbled, making his way over to me.

“Unlike you,
Paula’s getting paid to sit here listening to my shit,” Chris chimed with a
mischievous smile that I’d not seen on his gaunt face in far too long.

“Actually I’m
getting paid to check up on you and take your blood pressure. So sit down,
mister and roll your sleeve up.” Paula set her own playful smile in motion and
I idly wondered how everyone but me was managing to remain so lighthearted
about this situation.

She went on to do
the usual checks. She took Chris’ blood pressure, checked his heart and asked
him how well he was managing his pain. Today Chris had an ache along his spine
and a fairly severe headache, but nothing he thought warranted a dose of
morphine. The injection made him sleepy, and he was determined to enjoy feeling
more human than zombie for as long as he could.

She was just
getting ready to leave when Dexter announced that Chris had been feeling sick a
lot today and that he had thrown up several times while they were at the
garage. I know Chris confides in Dexter about a lot of stuff, especially how
he’s feeling physically. I’m pleased he has someone he can share things with,
and I know why he doesn’t tell me – because he doesn’t want to worry me
– but sometimes I wish he would trust me a
little
more. I can handle how he’s feeling.

I think.

“Did you find the
antiemetics helpful after your chemotherapy? I can arrange a prescription for
some more of those.”

“Yeah. I mean, I
was still pretty sick… but I think they helped lessen it.”

Nodding, Paula
reached into her bag and fished out a prescription pad. After scribbling on it
for a few seconds she handed the piece of paper to Chris and told us where the
nearest late-night chemist was.

“I’ll go and get
it,” Dexter offered, already standing from the chair. I smiled gratefully at
him and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

“Cheers, mate,”
Chris said, handing the prescription to him.

After bending
down to kiss the tip of my nose, Dexter grabbed the keys for his bike from the
table by the front door, and left straight away – flashing me a wink on
his way out the door. Paula, as usual, asked if we had any questions and when
we both shook our heads she arranged to come back tomorrow afternoon before we
left for The Ritz.

Dexter

“
You
sure you’re still up to tonight, man?” I asked Chris, wiping the grease off my
face with a rag from the counter.

“Yeah, mate. I feel even better than yesterday. I think
those anti-sickness pills you picked up last night are finally kicking in. Don’t
get me wrong, I don’t think I’m making some miraculous recovery or anything
like that but… well I just feel like I’m strong enough to hold out that
little
bit longer. That probably makes
no sense.”

“Makes perfect sense. Like Paula said, maybe the tumor’s
dislodged a little? If it has and it gives you some extra time with us, that
can only be a good thing right?”

“Damn right. Although I think I’ll probably need to lie down
for a couple of hours before we set off tonight. Granted, in comparison to the
last couple of weeks I feel great, but my head is still throbbing like a
motherfucker today.”

“Look why don’t you go home now. I’m almost done here
anyway.”

“No. You’re on your own here too often.”

“Dude… all your doing is sitting back reading magazines and
talking to me so much you’re making this take ten times longer. Go home.”

“You’ll be sorry you said that when I’m not here to pester
you anymore.”

“No wonder that thing’s taking so long to take you down,” I
joked, pointing a wrench at his head. “It’s because your ego has inflated your
head.”

Chris laughed and then imitated offence by clutching a hand
to his chest and frowning.

“On a serious note, mate… you should think about hiring
someone else. Ernie always had me, and well I really fucking struggled until I
had you.”

My back stiffened and for a moment I just stared into the
open air. Hire someone?
Me
? That one
comment brought the whole scenario crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.
It’s not seemed real with Chris still hanging out here. Sure, I’ve been doing
all the work myself this last few weeks but he’s still been around to guide me,
throw cloths at my head when I’m about to make a mistake…

But the reality is, this is
our
garage now – mine and Emily’s. We have a business that’s
not going to run itself which means I need to man the fuck up and be a
responsible adult.

Holy fuck.

“Yeah, I’ll um… I’ll look into it,” I replied nervously. I
don’t know where the hell to start when it comes to employing someone. Me? A
boss?

“You can do this, Dex,” Chris said as if he knew exactly
what I was thinking. Then he tossed his magazine down on the counter, walked a
little wobbly over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “I wouldn’t have put
so much effort in with you if I didn’t believe in you.” He’s said something
similar to me before, but as yet, I’m still struggling to believe it. “Besides,
you’ve got Emmie behind you. She’ll keep you in check,” he added before winking
and patting my shoulder.

“I have no doubt,” I agreed.

Chris called a cab and then shrugged into his jacket and
tidied his magazines away while he waited for it to arrive. Once he was gone I
took a deep breath and carried on changing the brake pads of the soft-top BMW
in front of me. I couldn’t help thinking Jared would love this car – he
treated his old one like a human baby before his accident. Then my eyes caught
sight of my beloved Jenny just outside, the light rain making her body glisten,
and I realized I am exactly the same.

Speaking of Jared, I’d just finished turning the engine of
the BMW over, making sure it was running smoothly, when my cell vibrated
against my leg. I plucked it out of my pocket and saw Jared’s name lighting up
the screen.

“Hey, man,” I answered.

“Dex!” he said enthusiastically. “I’ve got my hands on an
extra ticket for tonight! You had a spare, right? So with that one and this
one, Rach and I can join you guys.”

“I thought Snickers hated The Script?”

“Well, she does. But she won’t turn down a free night out
with Em.”

“You haven’t told her yet?”

“No. But trust me, we’ll be there.”

“Well great,” I said and meant it. It would actually help my
plan for this afternoon go a little smoother. I’ve been keeping something from
you – from everyone in fact, but I’ll get to that soon. “Could you come
over about five? I was actually gonna ask if you guys could come over anyway.
I’ve got something planned.”

“Like what?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Ugh. If you were a girl I bet you’d be such a cock tease.”

“Dude are you telling me your dick is stirring? ‘Cause if
you are then we totally need to reevaluate our friendship.”

“Stop being an arse. I’ve got to go. Rachel’s mum is making
my lunch.”

“Seriously, what is it about your pretty boy face that makes
women want to mother you? My aunt is just the fucking same whenever she sees
you.”

“Jealousy doesn’t suit you, Dex,” he joked. “Now I’ve really
got to go. Catch you later.”

“Sure. Laters, man.”

After hanging up the call I worked quickly to change the oil
and fill in the relevant paperwork regarding what work I’d carried out. Then
after stripping out of my coveralls, I stuffed them in my backpack, threw on my
leather jacket and headed out to my bike.

My heart was so far up in my throat while riding home it
made me gag several times. But like I said, you’ll find out why soon.

**********

Emily still wasn’t back from shopping when I got home
so I went straight upstairs to take a shower and get myself ready for tonight.
I made sure to move around quietly, conscious of the fact Chris was probably
sleeping in his room. I heard the front door opening, shortly followed by Snickers’
annoying as fuck cackle, while I was buttoning up my white shirt. Running my
fingers through my damp hair I checked myself out in the mirror before heading
downstairs to meet them. When I reached the bottom step I patted my pocket,
making sure my surprise for Emily was still inside… even though I’d only put it
in there seconds before.

Do you see where this is going now?

“Looking good, American,” Snickers said when I walked
in on them in the living room.

“Who ya tellin’?” I joked, making her roll her eyes.
“Hey, doll.” I strolled over to Emily, sat down beside her and kissed her lips
before flicking my tongue over hers. Naturally she blushed before pulling away.

“We’ve got company!” she scolded with a nervous smile.

“Is that what you call it?”

“Fuck you,” Snickers spat.

“I say we start a wager,” I began. “Let’s take bets on
those babies’ first words,” I continued, nodding towards Snickers’ swollen
belly. “I’m going with fuck for baby number one, and twat for baby number two.”

“Whatever, uncle arsehole. Obviously I will control my
swearing when they get here.”

“HA!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you couldn’t go an hour with someone being a
fucker!”

“Yes I could!” she protested. “Name a day and I will
go that whole day being nothing but polite and eloquent.”

“Tonight,” I dared.

“Well you guys are going out tonight so you won’t see
me.”

“Jared not told you? You’re coming with us.”

“What?”

“What!” the girls said in unison.

“Apparently he’s got an extra ticket.”

“Oh my God, Rach, we’ll have so much fun!” Emily
squealed.

“Yeah we will,” she agreed with a genuine smile. “But
don’t expect me to start swooning over the homeless guy.”

“So, tonight then?”

“Sure. As of right now, I’m Emily.”

“Except not as good looking,” I goaded.

“Fuc-Scre- Ugh… get lost,” she stuttered.

This
is gonna be fun…

**********

I had never known just a couple of hours drag by so
slowly - I was a nervous fucking wreck. Emily noticed of course, and a couple
of times she asked me if I was feeling okay. I could see the anxiety in her
baby-blue eyes – the uncertainty. I was sure the thought of me using
again had crossed her mind and I hated putting that worry there, but she would
know soon enough what was wrong with me, and only she had the power to take it
away.

By saying yes.

Come on, you have to have guessed now, right?

Derek and Aunt Sarah arrived on cue, just after Chris’
nurse had left. I saw the fire of panic ignite behind Emily’s eyes when Aunt
Sarah asked why I wanted to see them.

“Dex, what’s going on?” Emily asked, nerves making her
voice crack. “You’re worrying me.”

Emily was sitting anxiously on the edge of the couch.
Kneeling down in front of her, I took hold of her hand and held it on her knee.
Aunt Sarah gasped, immediately catching on to what I was about to do and giving
my game away.

“Emily,” I started. “I wanted to do this while
everyone
you love is here to witness it.
I want both you
and
your loved ones
to know that I’m going to take care of you always, protect you and love you
forever.”

“Oh my God,” she whispered in the same moment a small,
glistening tear leaked from her eye. I let go of her hand just long enough to
reach into my pocket and pull free the small, silver velvet box. Taking her
left hand in mine, I hovered the padded box in front of her with the other.

“Emily, I love you. You are kind, thoughtful,
selfless… and so,
so
beautiful. Every
day I have to pinch myself because I can’t quite work out how I’m lucky enough
to have you. You saved me, doll. I got dragged into hell and you risked getting
burned to follow me and bring me back. I’d never felt my heart beating before I
met you, and now every single day when I see you, touch you, hear you… it
thumps so violently in my chest, reminding me that it couldn’t survive without
you.”

Thumbing the seam of the little box, I flipped it
open, revealing a small diamond set between two ruby gems on a ring of white
gold. All three women in the room gasped, and a fresh set of tears poured down
Emily’s cheeks. Lightly dropping her hand I carefully plucked out the ring
before picking up her hand again and hovering the gold band over her finger.

“I
will
take
care of you, Emily. I will fight until my last breath to never let you down
again. I will love and cherish you forever. So, doll… whaddya say? Will you
marry me?”

“God, Dexter,” she whimpered as I pushed the ring
slowly to the base of her finger. “Yes. Yes of course I will!”

My heart swelled, filling my chest and making my
breath hitch.

“This is it,
doll,” I said, taking the fingers on her right hand and clamping them around
the ring. “Our future. I need you to hold on to it and never let go.”

“I-I won’t,” she
promised, raw emotion making her voice stutter. “Not ever.”

“Fuck yes!” Snickers sang, clapping her hands
together. I flashed her a look that said I knew she couldn’t go a day without
swearing. “Whatever, American. My best friend is getting married! That warrants
a hell of a lot of fucking swearing!”

Emily laughed, choking on her sniffles. Then she
lunged forward and kissed me like we were alone – throwing every ounce of
effort into licking and teasing every corner of my mouth and making my dick
twitch uncomfortably in my tight jeans.

“I love you so
much,” she snivelled as she broke free, and then a furore of clapping erupted
around us. I sighed happily, feeling more content than I ever thought possible.
My future is a bright place, and one I can’t wait to start living in.

**********

Emily drove us all into Manchester. Queen Snickers
took the front passenger seat which meant that us three guys were practically
sitting on each others’ laps in the back. Getting out and stretching my legs
after being so cramped in Em’s tiny car was second best only to a freakin’
orgasm.

After parking the car in a private lot across the
street we made our way over to join the line that curled right around the
building. I draped my arm over Emily’s shoulder – my
fiancées
shoulder – and I felt like the proudest, luckiest
motherfucker in the world. Snickers and Jared were still bickering behind us
– they had been since the moment Jared asked my Aunt Sarah if the noise
of the concert would hurt the babies’ ears. Being a midwife, Jared seemed
appeased when she told him that it wouldn’t, but Snickers had been muttering
something about him embarrassing her ever since.

“You good, man?” I asked Chris. I’d made a point of
not asking him until that point because I know it annoys the hell out of him
when people ‘fuss’, but when I saw him lean against the cool brick and close
his eyes, I started to worry this was a bad idea.

“Sure,” he answered, keeping his eyes closed and
taking a deep breath through his nose. “Just enjoying the cool air.”

“Just think, Danny O’Donoghue is in
this
building,” Emily said excitedly,
stroking the exterior wall. “He’s
so
close
to us! We’ll be breathing the same air!”