Authors: Jasmine Carolina
If this is truly over between us, I understand, angel. If, at the end of all of this, you choose Hayden, I understand. I promise, I do. I’ll be able to look at you at Nic and Colin’s wedding someday, standing directly across from me and smile at the memory of the days we spent under the trees and nights we spent beneath the stars, falling in love even when we didn’t know it. I’ll be okay, because I know that what we had was realer than anything I’ve ever known or felt. And even if I can’t have you in this life, Michele, I’ll be okay because I know that we’re soul mates, and somewhere, sometime, you and I are together and in love the way it was always meant to be. When I met you, it always felt like you were a memory rather than someone that I was just beginning to know, and that’s because our souls were meant to meet, mingle with each other, and fall in love. And they have, and whether this is the end or not, that is something that I will cherish forever. And I know it’s not the same as hearing the words straight from my mouth, but here goes. For the first time, Mich, because you deserve to hear it…
I love you,
Brody
I set the letter down on the bed, then stood up and stuffed my feet into a pair of slippers. I was overcome with emotion, my hands shaking and my heart racing as tears spilled from my eyes at warp speed. Grabbing my cell phone, I tucked it into my bra in case I got a text or a phone call from Hayden. I walked over to Brody’s room and knocked on the door.
He was at the door within seconds, opening it and enveloping me in a hug. He kissed my hair, sighing into it. “The letter wasn’t supposed to make you cry, Mich. It was supposed to make you feel better.”
I looked up at him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You love me?”
He tensed up, looking down at me through blank, glossed over eyes. I could feel the strain on his heart, and on his mind as he pondered my question. “Yeah, Mich. I do. I always have.” He spoke slowly and a bit choppily, like he was unsure of what he was saying. “I…I know it’s not the same. I know you still need…you need to
hear
the words from my mouth. But…but I’m trying. Be patient with me?”
I gave him a small smile. “Of course.” I peeked around him and into the room. “So can I come in?”
He nodded, pushing the door open behind us and guiding me inside. I was still in my pajamas, and I didn’t care a single bit, because Brody had seen me at my best
and
my worst, and he still loved me.
He
loved
me! I had the words sitting on a piece of paper in my bedroom and I
still
couldn’t quite believe it! I’d waited for what felt like forever to get those words for him, and finally,
finally
I had them.
I climbed into the bed and Brody got in beside me, sprawling out on his back and tucking me into his side. I rested my head against his chest, closing my eyes and reveling in his scent, in the way that it felt to be near him when I knew exactly how he felt for the very first time.
“So,” I began, “what’s the plan for tonight? Anything special?”
Brody shook his head. “I wish. It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing because I could tell how miserable you were. What’s wrong?”
I shook my head. It wasn’t my story to tell. It was none of Brody’s business what was going on with Hayden, Samantha, and Skylar. However, I knew that of all people, he would understand why I was upset over what was happening in their lives.
“Let’s just say that Hayden’s going through something no father should ever have to go through. And I’m just…I’m worried about Skylar. Like so worried I can barely see straight,” I admitted. “That little girl is the sweetest, cutest kid I’ve ever met, and she should only know smiles, sunshine, and happiness. Instead, she’s probably hurting and even though she’s not my child, all that I want is to hold her right now because I know what she’s feeling.”
Brody smiled, kissing me on the forehead. “You’re so sweet. You’re worried about her, and that’s adorable. Why don’t you call Hayden then and check on her?”
I sighed, shaking my head all over again.
“I can’t. I’m giving them their space. She really needs her dad right now, not me. But that won’t stop me from worrying every single second.”
Brody nodded, hugging me. “Well, why don’t you go downstairs and pick out a movie that we can watch together? Maybe I can help you get your mind off of it for a little while.”
“Okay!”
I leapt out of the bed and raced downstairs, excited for any alone time with Brody, no matter what we were doing.
…
“I can’t believe that you ugly cry while watching
The Little Mermaid,
” Brody teased, nudging me with his shoulder.
“It’s
sad
, okay? She chose a guy over her dad! Over the only life she’s ever known! It just makes me sad. Make fun all you like.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Just because you don’t cry over anything.”
Brody chuckled, shaking his head. “Of course not. I’m all man, angel.”
I grinned, reaching for the remote so that I could take the movie out of the DVD player and change the movie. I stood up, taking
The Aristocats
out of its case and popping it in.
When I sat back down, I felt a vibration in my bra, followed by the sound of the opening notes of
Warmness on the Soul
blaring from the tiny phone speaker. Shit! That was my ringtone for Hayden!
Brody eyed me questioningly, and I held a hand up to him. “It’s Hayden.”
I reached for my phone and was about to answer it when Brody coughed. “Mich, don’t answer that. You’re on a date with me.”
I rolled my eyes. “Brody, I haven’t heard from him in a week, and I need to see how Skylar’s doing. I’m sorry.”
I swiped my finger across the screen and lifted it to my ear. I was immediately greeted by an ear-splitting screech on the other end, followed by the sound of things falling onto the floor.
“Hayden!” I exclaimed, suddenly alert and worried all over again.
“Hello?” he answered, his voice small and barely audible over the sound of screaming and wailing. “Michele?”
“I’m here!”
He breathed a sigh of relief, and then another scream came out on the line. “Michele, can you come please?” He sounded heartbroken, frantic.
“Yeah, sure. What’s wrong?”
I stood up, mouthing an
I’m sorry
to Brody and walking to my bedroom, kicking off my slippers the minute I was inside. I closed my door behind me and jerked my pajama pants down until they pooled at my feet. I grabbed a pair of jeans and tugged them on, then pulled my Ugg boots out of the closet and pulled them on.
“It’s Skylar. I’ve been…well, I’ve been buttering her up all week, trying to find the perfect way to tell her about Sam. I finally told her twenty minutes ago, and she’s having a bit of a mental breakdown?” He said the last part askingly, his voice raising an octave. “I mean, are mental breakdowns even
possible
in four-year-olds? I don’t even know, Michie, but in her entire life, even the Terrible Twos, I’ve
never
seen her this way. Nothing I say or do will calm her down. Love, I need you.”
I nodded, grabbing a sweater out of my closet and slipping my arms through the holes. “Of course. I’ll be there in twenty. Is she talking at all?”
Another scream sounded and I winced, knowing that what Skylar was expressing on the other end was exactly what I’d felt ever since my father left.
“SKYLAR ROSE THAT’S ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!” Hayden’s voice boomed.
I sighed, closing my eyes.
“Hayden, don’t yell at her,” I whispered.
“Michele, don’t tell me how to discipline my child—”
“I’m not telling you how to discipline your child, Hayden. I’m just telling you not to yell at her. She’s going through enough as it is, finding out that Sam’s gone, and not even having the chance to say goodbye to her mother.
Don’t
yell at her. That’s just going to make it worse. Trust me.”
I could hear him struggling to keep his temper intact, could practically envision the way that his jaw was working as he tried to stay in control.
“Just…just please come as soon as you can. This is breaking my heart.”
“I’m on my way.” I hung up the phone and stuck it in my jeans pocket.
I rushed out of my bedroom door, and Brody was waiting at the stairs for me. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, and he was glaring at me. “Where are you going?”
“Move out of my way, Brody.” I really
didn’t
have time for his shit.
He stood in front of me, his feet planted shoulder width apart as he shook his head and continued staring daggers at me. “Where are you going?”
I rolled my eyes.
What the Hell? Did he
really
think that he was going to be able to stop me from doing what I wanted to do?
“Brody, move! I have to go!” I yelled.
“Not until you tell me where you’re going!”
“Goddammit, I don’t answer to you!”
“Just tell me!”
“SKYLAR NEEDS ME AND YOU’RE WASTING FUCKING TIME!” I shouted, my face shaking and heating up with the force behind my words. “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN, BRODY.
MOVE!
”
He stared at me in awe, but he finally moved like I wanted him to. I shouldered past him, running down the stairs and snatching Rory’s keys off of the hook near the door. I ran outside as fast as my legs would take me.
My heart was pounding and my mind was being flooded with images of my childhood. I couldn’t fight them. I recalled the day that my dad left, and how I chased after his car on foot for an entire mile. I remembered the very first time that he flaked on me, choosing to spend time with Gemma instead of with me and my sisters. I fought back images of his wedding day and how I watched with tear-filled eyes as he married someone else, someone who I knew was going to take him away from me.
Losing a parent is something no child should ever have to endure, no matter if they lose them to death, or to the parent choosing not to be one.
My heart broke for Skylar as I drove, for what she was going through because I’d been through it myself.
I hated that I had to drive there, that I had to obey traffic laws while I tried to get to Hayden and Skylar as quickly as possible. I hated that red lights and stop signs kept me from driving a perfect, seamless straight line to their home.
When the Jax house finally came into view, I couldn’t climb out of the car fast enough. I slammed the door and ran up the stairs, but I didn’t have to knock on the door because the second that I got up to the front door, it was wrenched open and Hayden was hugging me tightly. His eyes were red and his hair was disheveled and uncombed, his shirt soaking wet.
“Thank God. She’s like a tiny Incredible Hulk right now.
Please
help me, Michele.”
I nodded, giving him a peck on the lips. “Where is she?”
“She’s in her room. Be careful going up there. It’s a fucking mess.”
I stepped inside the house and ran up the stairs, not bothering to knock on the door to Skylar’s room. I could hear her screaming and crying still, not showing any signs of tiring out yet. I opened the door and could see her throwing her toys all around the room in fury.
I decided that my best bet was to tread carefully, to be as soothing to her as possible. I walked slowly, stepping over each toy and trying not to trip.
“Skylar?” I asked, my voice low.
She whipped her head around, dropping the toy that was in her hand and staring at me like I was an alien. Her blonde hair was matted at the ends, her eyes bright red and puffy from crying, but I would recognize that sweet face anywhere. She had snot running down her face and she was hiccupping uncontrollably.
“Michele?” she whispered, her voice shaking and her lower lip vibrating quickly. “Michele.” The second time she said my name, she said it with a reverence, like she was as relieved to see me as I wanted her to be.
I continued my slow walk over to her, my hands out, palms up, trying to show her that I wasn’t trying to hurt her or anything. Once we were about a foot apart from each other, I got on my knees and opened my arms for her. She trembled, staggering over to me and trying not to trip over the toys that she’d thrown all around her room. She collapsed into my arms, grabbing onto my ears and holding tight. I wrapped her up and settled her in my lap, letting her sob and wail like there was no tomorrow.
“I—
hic—
want—
hic—
my—
hic—
mommy!” she yelled through her tears. Her voice dropped to a whisper, and she continued to bawl. “I want…I want my mommy.”
I ran my hands over her hair, smoothing it down and kissing the top of her head.
“I know, baby. I know,” I cooed. “I know. I know you want Mommy, but I’m here now, okay? I’ll be here.”
I knew in that moment, holding that sweet little girl as she called and cried for her mommy that there was no place I would rather be. I belonged with Hayden and Skylar.