Authors: Jasmine Carolina
“I’m trying to be strong here, baby,” I said through more tears, looking past Hayden and staring off into the distance. “It’s harder than I thought it would be. Just the knowledge that I can’t see you when I want to…it’s pretty devastating.”
Hayden nodded. “I know. I know. It’s gonna be okay.
We’re
going to be okay.”
I knew that it would be a test, and with our relationship being so fresh, there was a higher chance that we wouldn’t pass it, but I had faith in Hayden. I had faith in
us
and the love that we had for each other. I wasn’t going to give up on him.
“I’ll call you every day. And I’ll write.” I was trying to make the entire situation easier on the both of us. “I’ll write you as often as I can, I promise you. I’ll tell you everything so you’re not missing what’s going on with me. And when I can manage it, I’ll send you something of mine so you won’t forget me.”
Hayden smiled, apparently liking that idea.
“Michele, I could
never
forget you.” His words pierced my soul. “I love you.”
God. Hearing him say that was the only reassurance that I needed. It was the one thing that was keeping me from
completely
falling apart.
He wrapped his arms around me and I closed my eyes as I heard Nickayla, Colin, and Brody coming toward us. I knew that it was time, and I wasn’t ready, not by a longshot.
I held Hayden for a few moments longer, and he began frantically wiping my tears away with his thumbs once more as he took my face in his hands. I pressed my forehead to his, gazing into those gorgeous amber eyes that I’d so fallen in love with. Tears spilled out of my eyes and his, and he brushed my hair with his fingers. He touched my chin softly with one finger, lifting it so that I was forced to look at him.
“I love you, Michele,” he said. “This isn’t goodbye.” He leaned down as I stood on my tiptoes as we shared last kiss with each other. All of my inhibitions went out the window when he did that. He lifted me up, planting his hands at the small of my back as he deepened our kiss, my mouth an open invitation for his tongue. He pulled away faster than I wanted him to, leaving me gasping and shaking, staring at him with wide eyes. “This isn’t goodbye.”
I nodded, placing my hand over my mouth as he released me from our final embrace. I wrapped my other arm lightly around my waist, as though that was the only way to hold myself together. I could see that Hayden wanted nothing more than to wrap me in his arms again and feel yet another one of my kisses, but we both knew that there wasn’t time, that I had to go.
“I love you.” I had to say it, just one last time. I dropped my voice to a whisper. “
Hasta luego.
”
“I love you.
Hasta luego
,” he replied.
I stared at him, and then at Skylar, who was now in her father’s arms and squirming to try and get to me, my heart breaking at the notion that they were both so,
so
close, but I couldn’t touch either one of them again, not unless I wanted to miss my flight and fuck things up more.
“This isn’t goodbye.” Hayden’s words were like a prayer, a mantra to try and keep all three of us sane.
I nodded, walking over to Nickayla who was waiting for me with open arms. She waved to Hayden and blew a kiss to Skylar, then gave me the only thing that I needed in that moment: a hug.
I leaned into her embrace, not bothering to turn around again. I could hear Skylar crying behind me, but I couldn’t turn around and face her, because if I did, I’d never get on that plane.
“MICHELE!” she screamed, and what little was left of my heart broke into a million pieces. “MICHELE, DON’T GO!”
I brought my hand up to my mouth, stifling my sobs and Nickayla led me away and toward TSA. I was certain that she was the only thing still holding me up, still holding me together. I closed my eyes, and let Hayden’s words repeat in my head.
This isn’t goodbye.
Epilogue
Hayden
I walked through the rooms of my house after putting my daughter to sleep, my entire body shaking with the weight of what’d just happened.
I couldn’t believe that she was gone, just like that, just as quickly as she came. Every room in my house was tainted with a memory of her. My bedroom, where we said goodbye in our special way, just hours before. My living room, where she’d accepted my promise ring—my proposal of a proposal. My bathroom, where we showered together for the first time. My kitchen, where I woke up for the second time that summer, to find the two loves of my life cooking for me and laughing with each other. My front porch, where she got me to admit to missing and loving my dad.
It was all too much, and all the memories came flooding back to me, and I was afraid that if I let them in, I would drown.
Skylar had bawled the entire car ride home, and she didn’t stop calling for Michele until exhaustion finally won over sadness and she fell asleep. Her cries had nearly broken me, but I couldn’t break down. Not in front of my daughter.
I made my way to my bedroom, stumbling over to my bed and collapsing onto it.
What the Hell was I supposed to do without her?
When Samantha left me with our newborn daughter, I thought the worst had happened. When she left the day of Skylar’s party, I knew that that was the worst that could ever happen, and that no event or hardship that ever transpired after that could hurt more than her abandoning us again.
But as I watched Michele walk away from me, enveloped in a hug from her best friend while my daughter screamed for her and tried to wriggle out of my arms, I knew that there was no hurt that could ever compare.
There was a word for what my daughter and I were feeling: devastation.
She would be back, I knew it, and she knew it.
She’d promised me, but more than that, she’d promised Skylar, and she wouldn’t make a promise to my daughter that she couldn’t keep.
I threw myself backward on my bed, finally letting it hit me, letting myself remember all the things that we’d said and done together, letting myself hurt and grieve over the loss of my true first love.
It was too much to bear. It’d been only an hour since we left her at the airport., so I knew that it was too soon to assume she was home already. That didn’t stop me from checking my phone every five minutes, though.
I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, stunned to see that I had a text message waiting for me.
Summer Van Leer: Hey, HJ. I know it’s not a good time, but I need to come over. We need to talk.
I raised my eyebrow and groaned out loud at the cryptic, pushy tone of her text. I’d known Summer Van Leer since I was five years old. She didn’t need to talk. She wanted to come over and be up my ass and make sure that I wasn’t moping over Michele.
Even so, though, Summer was likely the one person I could stand seeing while I was upset, so I decided I wouldn’t mind having her over.
Me: Sure. But get here soon.
I set my cell phone down and headed downstairs, making a beeline for the kitchen.
Fuck, I need a drink, I thought, grabbing a glass out of my cabinet.
Half an hour later, Summer’s convertible Buggy was pulling into my driveway. I peered out the window over my glass of whiskey, then made my way to the front door to unlock it for her.
Summer trotted up the stairs, and when she caught sight of me, she launched herself at me and hugged me tightly. I tensed at first, but I relaxed. God, that girl sure knew when someone needed a hug.
She pulled away and held my face between her hands, pushing my cheeks together so that I was making something reminiscent to a fish face. “How’re you holdin’ up, HJ?”
I shrugged, knowing that if I spoke at that moment, I’d break down, and the last thing I needed was to do that in front of Sum. If I did, she’d drag me to my sister’s house faster than I could say, “Really, Sum, I’m fine.”
No. There was no need to drag Livie into my girl problems. There was no need to ruin her day just because I was having a shitty one. Besides, having Sum drag me to my sister’s house would mean that we’d have to wake up Skylar, and there was no way my heart could withstand hearing her cry again. Not when I hadn’t fully gotten upset myself.
Summer was relentless. She wouldn’t let my face go until I gave her an answer, and she was as perceptive as she was relentless. She’d know if I lied to her about how I was doing.
So I decided it’d be best if I went with the truth.
“I’ve had better days.”
She nodded, releasing my cheeks and weaving her arm through mine. She jutted her chin toward the glass in my hand and cocked her head to the side. “What’re you drinkin’?”
“Whiskey.”
She raised an eyebrow, leading me into the house. “You got any tequila?”
I nodded pulling away from her grasp and heading over to the liquor cabinet and grabbing a glass for her. I grabbed my bottle of Cuervo, pulling the stopper out and filling the glass.
She sat down on my couch, setting her bag down beside her.
I made my way over to where she sat, setting her glass atop a coaster and propping myself in a recliner. I leaned back, crossing one of my ankles over the top of my knee and eyeing her warily.
I knew that I’d allowed her to come over—Hell, I’d even insisted that she get over to my house as soon as possible—but I was in no mood for company if I was being honest with myself.
“HJ, I have a confession to make,” Sum said, leaning forward and resting her elbows against her knees. “I didn’t really come over here because I needed to talk.”
“Shocker.” Sarcasm dripped from my tone.
“Don’t be a dick, Hayden. I’m only trying to be your friend.”
Holy shit. Summer only called me by my actual name when she was pissed at me. I could tell that she meant business.
“Sorry. I’m just in a shitty mood since…” I let my voice trail off.
“Since Michele left. I know. Pussy.” She gave me a small smile and then reached in her bag and pulled out a small white envelope. She smacked it down on the table and then looked back up at me. “You’re welcome, asshole.”
I stared at the envelope for a long time, shocked to see that my name was written on it in neat, loopy, girly script. I knew Summer’s handwriting all too well, so the letter couldn’t have come from her.
Hesitantly, I set my glass down and leaned forward. I snatched the envelope up and was assaulted with a smell I’d gotten accustomed to all summer. That envelope fucking smelled like Michele.
I stared at Summer, but she looked away and stood up. “I’m going to the kitchen to get some ice cream. I’ll give you two a moment alone.”
Unsure of exactly what she was talking about, I just nodded and waved her off. I slipped my finger beneath the flap of the envelope and slid it across, ripping it open.
I reached inside the envelope and pulled out a tri-folded letter. I glanced up at the doorway to the kitchen, hoping that Summer wasn’t coming back any time soon. I opened the letter and I read.
Dear Hayden,
If you’re reading this, that means I’m gone. And more than that, you’re likely in a rut, and not letting yourself feel anything. That’s okay. I know myself, and I’m sure that I’m probably still sobbing on the plane or Nickayla has slipped me some Benadryl and I’m knocked out as you read this.
Words can’t explain how much you’ve changed my life. At the beginning of this summer, I wasn’t sure I’d ever let love into my heart and into my life again. I wasn’t sure if I’d even want to move on with someone else. At the beginning of this summer, I thought that we were allotted one true love in our entire lifetime, and I thought that was Brody.
God, how wrong I was.
Sometimes, life tricks you. Sometimes, life introduces you to someone that you fall madly in love with, and you can’t imagine the sun rising in the morning without them by your side. And sometimes, life convinces you that that person is the only person you’ll ever love. Samantha was yours, and Brody was mine.
When Fate threw us together, I wasn’t sure what the Hell she was thinking. I thought it life was playing a joke on us. Because come on. How can two broken fractions of people find love and happiness with one another?
Two words: Nickayla. Colin.
They showed me how easy it was to love someone past their pain, past their brokenness, and introduce light into their life again. They showed me how to love myself and others the right way. They showed me how to put someone else’s needs and wants before my own.
But it wasn’t until Fate introduced me to you that I learned how to use the tools they’d given me. I met you, and I thought that we’d just be a summer fling, that we’d never make it past today. I thought we’d just have fun together. But then I met your daughter, and I met your family, and you met mine. And you met Brody, and rather than give up like everyone else has, you fought for me. You fought for us and what we’d created, even though we hadn’t even had enough time to learn what we hate about each other yet. (I know we think each other hung the moon right now, but wait ‘til I get back. We’ll find out how wrong we were.)