Never Me (25 page)

“Sure, Jack, spill it.”

“My mother made me propose to Amy.”

“Come again?”

“My mother made me propose. She knew we were having sex and she was staying at my place and my mother went crazy, calling me night and day. It got to the point that I didn’t want to have a damn thing to do with marriage or Amy. But I did it anyway and it was the worst proposal ever. She was so happy to see the ring she didn’t realize how bad I had screwed it up. It was the best move I have ever made.”

“That’s the most fucked up thing I have ever heard. How in the hell is this helpful advice?”

“I guess it’s not. Just let me be there when you propose. I’m sure you will do worse.”

“I can’t believe you are my go to. How in the hell does Amy put up with you?”

“I make up for the undescended testicle. Look, okay, maybe that was a bad way to put it, but Nadine is your Amy, except it’s good that you know better. I knew I loved Amy, and I knew that I wanted to be with her, but I had to have my mother show me that I couldn’t live without her. I regret it. Sometimes I just want to ask her again so it would be all me, but I would really just feel better if you screwed up yours.”

“Jack, I am not going to propose you idiot. I can’t even find the woman. I don’t even have her phone number and I think she might have gone back to her old ways.”

“You don’t know that. All I am saying is it’s good that you are there and your mother sucks.”

“Great, Jack. Thanks for that. Anything else?”

“Yeah, you owe me sixty bucks for the tickets … and I hope you find her, man. I really do.”

“That’s better.” We hung up and I threw some money down, motioning to the bartender that I was leaving. I looked at the clock beside the TV, it was three A.M. She wasn’t coming home tonight, either.

The next day I decided to go back and try one more time before I hit the airport. All of the excitement was gone from the previous two days. All I felt was empty. I sat outside her door and called a cab. No sign of her. No noise in the apartment at all. I hadn’t missed her coming or going. The bartender confirmed for me I was in the right place. I felt like I had lost my mind.

I pictured her running, reaching for me behind the carriage in New Orleans. Her eyes full of hope as she reached her hand out. She looked perfect to me then, beautiful, innocent, and … happy. She trusted me. I refused to believe she was anyone other than the woman I had been with three months ago. And now I was out of time again with no sign of her.

I had no choice, I had to leave. My father had a nasty spill last night and broke his nose and two teeth on the concrete outside of a bar. I hated him then and I hated my mother more. Jack was right, she does suck.

I saw the cab pull up and slowly walked down as if she would appear and save me from the inevitable. I got in the cab, still staring at her door. This was the exact opposite of how I pictured this going. I felt like a complete idiot. I had lost a huge career opportunity to wait on a woman that I had only known a week.

“Airport,” I said as the cab driver drove away. I felt my heart sink further and further down as the cab rolled away. I closed my eyes and she was running toward me, tackling me in the sand, her smile and eyes told me I was the only man in the world. Maybe I was.

“Stop. Please, sir, stop,” I said with a plea in my voice. I handed him a twenty and asked him to wait. I ran to the bar and then back to her door. I got back in the cab hopeful. That was twice in twenty-four hours that Jack had been right.

2 Years Later

“Shut up, Spencer. I hear you for crying out loud.” His incessant whining had again robbed me from another peaceful sleep. I had run nearly ten miles the night before and could feel every single limb protest as I got up. “I hear you, Spencer, chill out.” I walked into the kitchen and grabbed the bag of food and shook it, but didn’t have to wait long for his arrival. “I know, I know, all three hundred pounds of you is starving to death.”

I poured Spencer’s food into his dish and gave his long smooth back a quick massage, grasping his tail because I knew he hated it. I laughed at my stupid attempt at parenthood with my selfish, fat cat. I had gotten him as a reminder of the original. I shook off thoughts of him as I started stacking box after box in my kitchen. It was moving day for me and I had a new city and a new career to look forward to. I heard a light knock at the door and knew it was my boyfriend Thad and realized I hadn’t yet brushed my teeth. I opened it and gave him a smile and ran to my bathroom to remedy my morning breath.

“Hey baby, where are you running off to?”

“Brushing my teeth. Spencer woke me up.”

“Well in that case, please proceed.” I heard him chuckle and closed the door. He made his way into the bathroom, catching my lips as I finished rinsing my mouth.

“Mmmm, I wish you would have let me stay last night.”

“Then I wouldn’t have gotten any packing done.” I turned to give him my full attention.

“No, you wouldn’t have.” He brought his face nose to nose with mine and gave me a knowing smile.

“Sure you won’t reconsider?”

“No, Thad, I live alone. I care about you, but I can’t think about it further than that. I just got the offer I’ve been waiting for and I just can’t pass it up.”

“I know, I know.”

He wrapped his arms around me and I could feel the tension in his body. Thad was the first long term boyfriend I ever allowed myself to have after several failed attempts at dating. We had been dating almost a year and I had turned him down from moving in with him when I got a transfer to my new job. He kissed the nape of my neck as he stared at me in the mirror. I quickly broke our stare and went to my living room to start with the boxes

“Why do you do that with me?” he asked irritated.

“What?” I asked innocently, knowing he was about to start in on the commitment talk.

“I get close, you run away. When you say you care for me, just how much do you care, Nadine?”

“Thad, I’m stressed out. It’s moving day, okay. I’m changing everything,” I said walking toward him. “Except for you and I do care.” I just wish I didn’t feel like something was missing. He was better off not knowing that, so I kept it to myself.

His smile was a good indication I may be off the hook. I smiled back, thankful I had his help today. We stumbled into each other at my cadet graduation party and had been inseparable since. We had grown close, but now that I was moving, I felt our breakup was inevitable. I was more concerned about the fact that it wouldn’t devastate me than the actual breakup itself. He insisted he would make it work and drive out to see me as often as possible. I knew it was just a matter of time, but kept my mouth shut.

“Well the moving truck is downstairs, get dressed and I’ll get started.”

A few minutes later we both heard glass shatter in my bedroom and ran to see what had broken.

“Damn it, cat!” I screamed as I found my clear glass wine bottle filled with Pensacola sand on the ground in pieces. Thad picked up the sticky notes buried in the sand and started reading them off.

“Purple Haze? Weed of death?” I snatched them from his hands and quickly started scooping the sand into a plastic cup I had nearby, saving any that I could.

“Can we at least discuss the beautiful girl with a penis?” He chuckled and I joined him.

“It was a road trip Rory and I took a few years ago. A trip I never wanted to forget. So when I got home, I scribbled down the highlights.”

“Body shots?” He raised an inquisitive brow.

“It was years ago. We can do body shots.” I gave him my best smile, pleading for him to drop it.

There was another knock on the door and I nodded my head to him to go answer it. It was the movers. I was one step closer. This was it, everything I had worked for. As soon as I was free of Thad’s questions, I browsed through my sticky notes and smiled. I spent a few minutes letting myself think about him and then quickly cleaned up the mess, saving the notes and the sand in a shoe box.

The move went so quickly, in a hour the movers were grabbing the couch and the larger furniture. Thad wrinkled his nose at the mess underneath the couch. Old hangers, cat hair, left over cereal crumbs and dirt. He swept it up neatly and said with a laugh, “Yeah, you are a total slob. I may rethink asking you to move in with me.”

“Oh, shut up,” I said offended, but really wrinkling my nose at what a disgusting human I was. I was a little embarrassed and had to question my own housekeeping abilities. He lifted an unopened envelope that had my name on it and handed it to me as he walked out the door with the last few boxes. I smiled at him, whispering a thank you as I opened the envelope. I was prepared to throw out whatever it was until I inspected it further and went deathly still.

Nadine,

Where were you? I practically slept at your door all weekend. I knocked on Rory’s door when I remembered you telling me you lived across from each other. I waited all weekend for you to come home and I have to leave now or I will miss my flight. I got your SOS email, your song, and I came running. I wanted to tell you in person that you aren’t alone and that I miss you too. You are all I think about, all I see when I close my eyes. I went back to life and it really didn’t seem like much of one without you in it. I want to be with you, I want to be that guy. I wish I could take back leaving you on that beach. I have never regretted something so much in my life. Am I crazy? Were you just trying to tell me you missed me? I don’t know. I keep thinking about your Darkman and it haunts me. I didn’t want him catching up with either of us before I got a chance to tell you that I want to be with you, Nadine, whatever it takes. I feel like I am going crazy.

This is so far from over for me. Just tell me if you feel the same. I will come running. I will always come running.

I know this breaks all your rules, so If I don’t hear from you, I will know why.

S

“No,” I whispered “Oh God, NO!” I felt the bullet lodged in my chest again and felt the loss sweep through me. I calculated in my head how long ago I had sent the song. Exactly two years ago. Where was I? Rory dragged me to Texas OU weekend in Dallas. God, I could kill her. I didn’t even like football! Spencer was at my door, at my fucking door and in love with me, he wanted to be with me. I buried my head in my hands. I folded the letter quickly and put it in my pocket and wiped my tears away as Thad ascended the steps. It was easy to figure out why the note was under the couch, it sat two feet directly in front of the door. Too much sleight of hand, Spencer! All this time I had thought he had ignored my email, and now I knew he thought I had ignored his letter. He heard my plea and he came running. I never heard his. He had gone all this time thinking I didn’t want him back. I played off my emotion on finding the letter by pretending I was devastated leaving my apartment, leaving Oklahoma. Thad tried his best to comfort me and laughed at my overboard display. I felt the loss of Spencer all over again.

I made the trip with Thad and tried my best to forget about the letter. I called Rory, making sure she would be able to meet me at my new place. She was getting out of nursing school for fall break and texted me back that she would be there. I had to talk to someone. Thank God I had Rory. Thad talked to me the whole way to New Orleans and I didn’t hear a word.