Never Me (24 page)

Her words fell on deaf ears. This couldn’t be happening. I had counted on being able to see him, to watch this and to feel better. Our week together haunted me. I missed him. It was all I had. I’d held onto it and now it was gone, just like our magical place. Tears formed in my eyes for the first time since we returned to Oklahoma. I had stayed strong, no calls, no emails. We had agreed it would only make it harder on us both. This gutted me, the last piece of what we had was gone. I searched the video through and through, but never got a glimpse of Spencer. I couldn’t believe it, there was not one shot of him. Not one. I felt my heart shred and let the tears come as I looked at Rory, who looked at me just as helpless.

I put the remote down when the screen went black. I looked at Rory whose face said it all. She was sorry. I refused to hurt her over this. It wasn’t her fault, but I couldn’t talk now. I stood up and turned on my heel, heading towards my apartment. Even if our time together meant more to me, even if his words were meaningless and I was just some girl he spent a week with on a summer trip, I constantly craved the Spencer I had.

“Wait!” I heard Rory yell and turned around to see the screen. It was a shot of me in my bikini getting brutally beaten by the waves.

“So what?” I said, uninterested.

“I didn’t take this, Nadine.”

“What?”

“I didn’t take this.”

“Oh my God, turn it up.” As soon as she did I heard his voice. “Rewind it!”

We saw the screen go back to black and both sat down. Rory grabbed my hand. It was pathetic really, but I had nothing. It had never occurred to me that it would even matter. It tortured me with how much it did.

The screen filled up with me again. I was standing in the direct path of some pretty massive waves, fighting them. I remembered it was our last day there, our morning together. I heard the words, “You are so beautiful,” as they hit me like an arrow to the chest. I didn’t imagine anything. Spencer was real. All of our time together was real, it had all happened. I knew in that moment without a doubt I was in love with him. The hum drum of my life had dulled the memory so quickly and the sound of his voice brought me back to life. His words were followed by his laughter of me getting knocked down repeatedly by wave after wave. I looked at Rory who was now crying with me. The screen went dark again. I had thirty seconds of my diamond in the sand on tape and it was just his voice. Still, I was grateful. It took what felt like a decade to swallow the emotion in my throat and finally speak to Rory who was playing with a string on her couch pillow.

“Make me a copy?”

“Of course I will, Nadine.” She followed me to her door. “It was really so cool to watch the two of you.”

“He was cool,” I said, amazed at my fixation on a man I had spent a week with.

It was time to compartmentalize and move on. But as she switched back to the TV and I saw the horror of on the screen, I realized that bitch Katrina had evened the score for all the women I had hurt. She had, in a sense, taken my only man away from me. “Touché,” I whispered to the large cloud covering Louisiana on the screen as I made my way back to my apartment.

I went back to my room and opened my laptop. I wanted desperately to talk to Spencer. I struggled with the words to say and felt I had already put myself so far out there at our goodbye. It wasn’t enough. I needed him to know how I felt—how much I longed for him, how he crept into all my thoughts, how he had changed me. I looked up his email address and sat staring at the screen. I wanted him to know how I felt without making a fool of myself. After hours of staring at the screen I finally decided to send him something I knew only he would understand. I titled the subject SOS and attached a music file of Blink 182’s
I Miss You
and hit send.

He never replied.

I was still listening to her SOS when the cab slowed to a stop at her apartment building. That email was all I needed. I had spent two months in denial and the last lashing out. I hated it that she had to make the first move. That was my job. She missed me. I couldn’t wait to see her face. I wondered if she would be just as happy to see me. Would she think I was crazy for coming to her? Hell no, I got her message loud and clear. The words of her song to me echoed in my ears. She missed me. I was a part of her. I was the voice inside her head. I loved her mind. I loved her song choice and I loved that she needed me because I was fucking failing so badly in Philadelphia.

I hadn’t kept my word to her.

I had gone back to picking up after my father. I had gone home to the same bad habits, the same meaningless shit, with no life of my own. I dropped everything, and I mean everything, when I got that email. I had an interview with one of the top law firms in Philadelphia and blew it. I had looked up her home address but was unable to get her cell number. I prayed I was in the right place. I was in her world, her life was here. I looked around and heard the cabbie clear his throat. I have no idea how much money I gave him, I was too distracted.

Three months. I had missed her, ached for her. I hit repeat again, letting the song fill my senses. It gave me courage to walk the stairs. I made it up, found her number and knocked on the door while I waited with my heart banging in my chest. She would smile. I loved her smile. I imagined an immediate scenario of having her undressed, beneath me, saying my name in that breathless whisper. NO SPENCER, don’t go there. Oh, but that body was made for me. I would tell her I was sorry, beg her to forgive me for letting her go and spend the night making it up to her. I knocked again, took my headphones off and put my ear to the door. It was Friday night. I might be stuck waiting for her. Fine, she was worth it.

I sat on the steps, the song still reminding me of why I was there. It fueled me. I believed her. I felt the same. I wanted nothing more than to resume what we had. I wanted her. I would wait. I’d had more than one opportunity to fuck her out of my mind and couldn’t do it. That was a first for me. I was tempted, but it wouldn’t have worked. I replayed Nadine’s words as she finally opened up to me just as it was over.
“So this isn’t love?”
I saw her face as she stood on that beach, her tears clearly embarrassing her. She was more vulnerable than I imagined possible and in that moment I knew. She wasn’t hiding from me anymore.

I just left her there. I wanted to show her the upside to what she was missing and in the end I had ruined my own chances of wanting anyone else. I just left her there, crying. I shook my head and stuck my headphones in my backpack. Hours of waiting turned into more hours. I was tired, hungry. She wasn’t coming home tonight and if that was the case who in the hell was she with?

It began to rain heavily. More rain bands from that fucking nightmare Katrina. I couldn’t believe I had just been there a few short months ago when I saw the screen filled with people, homeless, crying, desolate, and terrified. It was so fucked up. I wondered what Nadine thought of it. I wondered how she had reacted. I knew she had fallen in love with that city. I wondered if it hurt her the way it hurt me. When the hell did everything become so complicated? Before that trip, it was clear I needed a break, but not for one minute did I think I would be analyzing ever single step I would make.
Damn this woman!
Where are you, Nadine? I gave up a few hours before dawn. I would get a few hours of sleep and try and surprise her again.

At midnight the next night the rain was still coming down heavily and I was totally fucking miserable. This was a mistake, it had to be. Nothing had gone according to plan. I had been sitting here for eight hours. I stood slowly, sore and tired and hungry. I saw a bar on the corner. Maybe I would get lucky and see Rory. Rory! Fuck, I forgot she lived across the hall.

I hit both apartment doors close to Nadine and got the wrong person on the first and banged on the second. No answer. Maybe they were together. My hopes raised slightly at the thought they were. I hit the stairs, barely escaping being soaked as I reached the bar. It was a decent place, sports themed and big TVs. I wished I had taken up residence there earlier. At least then I wouldn’t be soaking fucking wet.

I took a seat at the bar and ordered a draft. I spent the better part of an hour looking out the window watching her complex, cursing the fact that we never exchanged numbers.

“You waiting on Nadine?” I snapped my head to attention and saw the bartender smiling at me knowingly.

“Do I know you?”

“No, man, you just have that familiar look.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I snapped, eyeing him suspiciously.

“Nothing, man. So obviously you are waiting on her.”

“She doesn’t know I’m here,” I said, watching him closely. I was seconds from taking the fucking smug look off of his face.

“She never knows when they come back,” he said shaking his head.

Fuck. This is her meeting spot for her invites. I felt sick. What the hell was I doing?

“Don’t fall for it, Spencer. I’m not an innocent woman. You couldn’t live with the things I’ve done.”
I remembered her words to me and wiped my face in frustration.

“It’s cool, man, I get it,” he said, pouring me a tall shot of whiskey. He left the bottle and gave me a knowing nod. I sucked it down with relief and poured another quickly, still staring at her door.

I looked like some stupid chump who had it bad for her or just another one of her conquests looking for another taste. I wasn’t about to justify my shit to some asshole who knew nothing. I hated his image of her. He wasn’t important. She was. I felt my phone vibrate and quickly answered.

“Hello.” I heard the desperation in my own voice and quickly poured another shot.

“Why the hell weren’t you answering your phone? We have tickets tonight!” It was Jack. Shit.

“Jack look—”

“I’m at your place. Open the door.”

“I’m not there.” I heard a string of curses and smiled. He was only mildly mad now. Games were his chance to be free of obligation. Amy condoned his little escapes with me. Little did he know I had robbed him completely of his escape tonight.

“I’m in Oklahoma.”

“What did you just say?” he roared, another string of curses coming out. I smiled again. Jack was never one to hold back, but this time I wasn’t going to let him lay into me.

“Come off it, Jack. This was a little more important. I know I’m your only friend and I feel bad for you. If you weren’t such an asshole you would have another friend to take to the game.”

“Oh, that’s bullshit and you know it.” I knew him well enough to know his wheels were spinning, he was just about to—“Nadine! You with her man?”

“No, she’s not here.”

“Well, then do you mind telling me why the hell you’re in Oklahoma?”

I poured another shot and as I glanced at her door. I felt the weight of his words. “I’m not sure, myself.”

“I know why,” he chuckled as if he was onto me.

“That’s not it and you know it, Jack,” I snapped.

“I know, I know. Look, I’m going to go deep with you for a second, and I swear if you ever repeat this I will ruin your life.”

“What’s that, Jack? I already know about your undescended testicle.” I laughed as he cursed my good name. The warmth of the whiskey started to spread through me. I pushed the bottle away motioning for a beer.

“I know you, Spencer. You can’t fool me. You haven’t been the same since we left Florida. My wife is throwing up more than the crazy bitch in
The Exorcist
. I haven’t had sex in a month. I hate New Orleans.”

“Jack, she’s pregnant and you’ve never been happier.”

“Fine, but I am serious about you. The thing is, I liked her for you.”

“Wow, that is deep.”

“Shut the hell up, Spencer. I had to get into my car so no one would hear me.”

I laughed out loud at his admission and slowed my drinking down. Whether he knew it or not, he had already talked me out of drinking more. I didn’t want to be my father. No way in hell was I going that route. I sipped my beer but motioned for my tab. I wasn’t going to find Nadine at the bottom of a bottle.

“Okay, you ready?”