Never (17 page)

I'd
become the monster. I was better than this.

I pulled myself up, steeling myself as the room spun and righted itself. I would clean up this mess, drink some coffee, and sober up so I could do my homework. I took a step forward and the room swayed from side to side.

Alright—coffee first.

I heard a distinct buzzing coming from a bundle of clothes near the dining room so I took a breath and made my way over, trying to take it slow and ignore the tiny flash of excitement. When I picked it up and saw it was Mom and not Juliet, I almost dropped it back on the floor. I would have if it meant our conversation was over, but it was my mother. She'd just light up my phone until I answered.

I brought it to my ear. "It's like—” I looked at my phone. “Nine am, Mom."

"I know you're still mad at me, but this is important."

I grit my teeth. "I'm really busy right now—"

"You may have already heard this, but I wanted to call and tell you something."

"If it's another apology—"

"Juliet has been arrested."

I felt like someone gripped my throat, cutting off my air supply. I must have misheard her. The booze was playing tricks.

"What did you say?" I eked out, my grip tightening on my cell phone.

My mind struggled to come to terms with what she said. Juliet was arrested? What happened? Where was she? Was she okay? And how the hell did my mother know of all people?

The confusion turned into anger. “Is this some kind of twisted joke?”

“A joke?” Mom hissed, matching my anger blow for blow. “You think I'd joke about your girlfriend being arrested?” She let out a sigh that took all the wind from my sails and made me feel like the meanest person alive. “I know I’ve hurt you, but I would never hurt you like that. Not again.”

Her words slid over me like a blade, exposing the fresh wound of her betrayal. Even though I wanted to hold tight to my anger, I felt it slip between my fingers, tiny lies like tiny grains of sand. I was a kid when she told me the lie that changed everything. That the reason Juliet and her mother went away was because Mrs. Stowe found a new job. That she tried everything within her power to make them stay. The truth was Mom made them go. She got tired of living under the same roof as Dad’s mistress. That lie cost me my best friend. My first love.

But I didn’t fault her for that. Even though it was what I clutched to, the truth was much simpler. The list of people I trusted was a short one and until I learned about the lie, Mom had the number one spot. It brought a monsoon of other questions. If she could lie about that, what else had she lied about? How about the time she said finding out she was pregnant with me saved her life? Or that it was possible to follow in my father’s footsteps and not lose my soul?

I swallowed my pride, taking down a few bricks I put up to keep us apart. She had a reason for telling a lie all those years ago. As strong as she seemed then, I knew how broken she must have been.

Maybe she thought I couldn’t handle the truth. Considering I’d begun to resent my father, learning he cheated would have butchered any possible relationhip. Irreparably. Maybe she wanted to spare me from that. Maybe someday soon we could talk about it without me seeing red. Whatever her reasons were for lying back then, she at least had some end goal or purpose in her actions. She had no reason to lie about Juliet being arrested.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know all of the specifics, but it appears she got in a fight outside of a bar.”

“How did you find out?” I asked, my voice barely audible.

“I still have connections in the city,” she explained. “When you decided to go to school in Seattle, I wanted to know about any incidents with Seattle University students. When I heard Juliet’s name...”

I had to go. I leapt to my feet, looking around for my other shoe. My wallet. “Where is she?”

“She’s at the West precinct, fifteen minutes from S.U.”

I went to grab my keys and stopped. Sure, I was sobering up, but I was in no position to drive. “I’m gonna call a cab and head down there.”

And then what? I had no idea what her bail was. I didn’t have my credit cards and I’d purposefully drained my checking to show my mother just how serious I was about not needing money.

Perfect timing. The one time McNamara money could have actually done some good.

“I’ve already posted the bail in your name,” Mom said, reading my mind.

I pulled the phone away, looking at in shock before I brought it back to my ear. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I said something to her...” She sniffled and cleared her throat. “Why doesn’t matter. And I don’t want her to know that I was the one that paid it.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Because I know that she would be so grateful—”

“Then let her be grateful to you,” she interrupted gently. “Because you’re the reason I did it, Lucas. I don’t know what happened, but I know a cry for help when. If Juliet is important to you, she’s important to me.”

I felt a rush of pride. The Mom I knew wasn’t completely gone. But along with pride came a wave of shame. I hated that I ever thought she’d disappeared at all.

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“How about, ‘I love you Mom’?”

My throat burned, eyes filled with emotion. I sniffed as discreetly as I could manage. “I love you, Mom.”

We hung up and I scrolled to the taxi company I had saved in my contacts. They’d probably be shocked I was calling them to take me
to
a police station, since I called them to take me out of trouble.

The driver dutifully asked no questions nor subjected me to awkward small talk. I spent the time popping Altoids. I didn’t want to bail her out from a bar fight smelling like an actual bar. I checked Facebook and found out that Juliet was arrested after getting in a fight with Candi.

The taxi pulled to the curb and I hopped out, booking it through the doors. The officer behind the desk was guzzling coffee like it was water in the middle of the desert. He didn’t even look at me.

“What can I do for you, kid?”

“I’m Lucas McNamara.” As soon as my last name came out the man dropped everything he was doing and gave me his full attention.

“Mr. McNamara,” he began. I cringed inwardly at the ‘Mr.’ but kept quiet. “I just wanted to say how great your mother is. Her charity functions for the force have been so amazing. We raised nearly five—” He stopped, everything from his devil peaks to his jowls reddening. “I’m sure you didn’t come here so I could gush about fundraisers. I understand that you’re here to pick up the young woman from the incident at Visions?”

I nodded and signed all the necessary paperwork, the legalese blurring. My eyes glazed over the bail amount. I was sure that the judge took the fact that she was a student and had no priors into consideration.

What if she was charged with assault?

I pushed away the A word, standing near the inmate release area, needing to see her so I could stop pacing back and forth. There was a heavy, ominous looking black door and a buzz cut through my nerves as the door swung open.

A tall, surly looking officer came out first and I peered around him. My heart ached when I saw Juliet's’ face. Immediately, I was transported back to the last night we saw each other as kids. Her ivory skin was pasty and withdrawn. Her mahogany eyes were barely visible because her eyes were puffy and red from crying. Her stick thin, brown hair was pulled to the top of her head, strands wilting from her ponytail. When she saw me, her face scrunched with emotion.

“Lucas.”

She glanced at the stony faced cop. You’d think from his expression
he
was the one that spent all night in lock up.

“You’re free to go,” he said gruffly.

Juliet ran to me, ponytail bobbing to the side, tears streaming down her face. She leapt into my arms.

“I’ve got you,” I said softly, holding her tight. “It’s okay.”

“Lucas,” she sobbed into my chest, her body shuddering with spasms. “Thanks so much.” She pulled back, staring up at me like she was dreaming. “You came, even after what I said?”

I brushed her tears away. “I’ll always be there for you, Juliet.”

“Can we go?” she said softly. “I don’t want to spend another minute here.” She clung to me, not even letting go when we made our way to the cab.

I tried to make a joke. “You know, I’m gonna need that arm to open the door.”

She didn’t even flinch, but she loosened her grip. She shied away from looking at me, but I saw the fresh tears glittering on her cheeks.

“I’m afraid, Lucas.”

My heart clenched, a fist tightening around it. “Afraid?”

She gave me one short, uncomfortable nod. “I’m afraid that video will follow me for the rest of my life. And even if I could afford a lawyer, it would just make things worse. I’m afraid of the person it made me. Someone that...” She trailed off.

“I know you got in a fight with Candi and I’m sure she deserved it.”

She bit her lip. “No it wasn’t a fight. I attacked her, Lucas.” She looked up at me, her face lined with exhaustion and shame. “I deserved to be arrested.”

I didn’t back down. “I know Candace Mann. I have a feeling she was the one that dug into your past. She got what she deserved.”

Juliet angrily swiped at her cheeks. “I’m not a fan of hers, Lucas, but you weren’t there. You didn’t see how I lost it. No one deserves to get punched in the face. I”m not that person.”

“I know you’re not,” I said, gripping her hand. “Everyone has a limit. You reached yours.”

“And I can’t do it again,” she said firmly, putting her hands over mine. “Even though it kills me to do it, I have to let go. I have to
try
.”

I brought her in, trying to make her feel safe. Needing her to know that no matter what, I’d be there for her. “I know you, Julie. You’re strong and kind and—”

“Gullible?” she offered. “That or really dumb.”

“How about optimistic?” I corrected. “You want to see the best in people. That’s a good thing.”

She peered at me skeptically. “Really? Because we’re outside a police station.”

“Well, location’s easy.” I opened her door. “I’ll get you back to your dorm.”

She slid into the backseat and I closed her door, throwing a final look at the building before joining her in the backseat. I leaned forward. “Seattle University, please.”

“I don’t want to go back to campus,” Juliet said quickly, making the cabbie slam on the brakes.

I had a spark of excitement and I had to order myself to keep my cool and not grin like an idiot.

“I know we’re in a weird place, but is it okay if I stay with you tonight?” she asked softly. Her brown eyes searched mine. “I don’t want to be alone.”

The driver looked at me. “Where to?”

“Back to my apartment,” I told him.

My hand was on the seat beside Juliet and she put her hand over mine, holding tight until her hand stopped trembling.

“It’s going to be okay, Juliet.”

She looked at me. Not smiling, but not grimacing either.

“Maybe,” she said softly, interlacing her fingers with mine.

Maybe
, I repeated to myself.

Chapter Twenty: Juliet

He came for me.

When the cuffs were put around my wrists and I was put in the back of the squad car, the first thought that flashed in my head was,
At least Lucas didn't see me this way.

I'd come out to revel in my infamy; to get so shitfaced that I forgot my name. To find the nearest guy who just wanted the same. No strings. Something hot. Something fleeting.

I looked out the window, my face burning with shame. As tough and indifferent as I pretended it would be, the truth was I wouldn't have gotten much further than a kiss. All night Lucas' face flashed through my head like a strobe light. Snaps of emotions that gripped me and wouldn't let me go...even though I wanted,
needed
to be someone else. The girl everyone thought I was, since that video would follow me to the ends of the earth.

The sick, dark feeling I’d felt before I decided to leave it all behind was becoming more familiar than strange. But there was one thing that had me gripping the ledge.

Lucas.

He came for me.

I stole a look over at him, my eyes trailing his outline. The dark waves that were longer than he usually wore them, reminding me of days in tall grass when we'd talk for hours about nothing and everything. When I'd push the dark locks back before putting him in a headlock. Or when we got older and I'd just let my fingertips linger, butterflies swarming my stomach.

Morning light streamed in through the window, highlighting the dark scruff of his jaw. The handsome lines of his face. The lean body beneath his sweatshirt and jeans.

He could have any girl he wanted. He had the looks, the money, and the charm. The air changed when he walked into a room, becoming something electric. Even when he made me so angry that I could breathe fire, it was met with an unquenchable desire to kiss him. It didn't help that every time I pushed him away he came closer. He didn't let me believe that I was damaged goods. The ghost of my past haunted me and he remained, ready to slay every demon.

He looked over at me as the cab pulled into his complex, eyebrows raised when he realized I'd been watching him.

"Everything okay?"

I felt the smile hiding behind my lips, but I just gave him a nod. He paid the fare and followed behind me.

"So my place is kind of a mess," he warned.

"Well I'm kind of a mess, so I guess we're made for each other."

He paused at his door, giving me a lopsided grin. "Was that a joke?"

I glared at him, but the smile pulled at the sides of my mouth. When we stepped into his apartment and I realized 'kind of a mess' didn't even brush the surface, it wavered.

I wondered why he'd gotten a cab instead of picking me up in his car, and I had my answer. I'd been too consumed in my own crap to smell any liquor on him, but there was no escaping the smell of spilled beer and corn chips.

I wanted to plug my nose; plug my ears and shut my eyes and say ‘lalala’ and pretend I wasn't seeing what I was seeing. I knew I was in no position to judge since an hour ago I'd been in jail, but this still made me shake my head. Even though there was enough wreckage for him to have thrown a killer party, I knew it was just a party of one and the party was still rocking into the wee hours of the morning.