Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? (6 page)

“So, what time did you say the game starts, eight? Cool, I’ll bring the chips and pretzels, and you pick up the beer. I should be there around 7:30 p.m., catch you later.”

Talk about academy award for best actor. There I was running off at the mouth about our fake plans while my buddy Brian was laughing his ass off on the other end. When the presentation was complete, I casually began putting on my blue jeans and Bulls jersey; I wanted to look the part. Meanwhile, my wife was giving me one of those suspicious looks. But because I’ve done such a great job of acting, I fool myself into believing I was actually going to watch basketball. As I walked towards the door, I put on my Chicago Bulls cap to look authentic.

“See you later baby,” I said. “Don’t wait up!”

“Ok sweetheart,” she said sarcastically, “have a nice time,” she paused, “with the boys.”

Now, what the hell did she mean by that remark? I thought as I shut the door behind me. At the time, I didn’t care. I was a free man, and Karen was anxiously waiting at her place buck naked with a bottle of wine on ice. I got in my car, put in one of my old Isley Brothers CDs, and hit the road. At 8:00 p.m. I arrived at Karen’s apartment. She answered the door wearing a sexy red bra and panty set. I wanted to commit a few flagrant fouls of my own, if you catch my drift. By 10:00 p.m., I had gone through two glasses of wine and three condoms. She was screaming so loud the neighbors must have thought someone was trying to kill her. Or maybe they figured she was an over zealous basketball fan. At 11:00 p.m. I washed up, put on my clothes and headed home. “What a game,” I joked to myself. But on this night, my wife would take me into overtime.

When I walked in the door, she was still awake watching television. My first impulse was to run to the bathroom and check myself out, but I wanted to act normal. So I calmly hung my jacket in the closet and went over to give her a kiss. But before I could put my arms around her, she began questioning me about the outcome of the game.

“So, how was the game?” she asked.

“It was great! The Bulls looked pretty good tonight.”

“Yeah, they did alright,” she said. “But they need much better scoring off the bench.”

“Since when did you start watching basketball?”

“I watch it all the time,” she said sounding smart. “But I guess you wouldn’t know that since you’re gone every time there’s a game on. By the way, did you see that vicious dunk by Lebron in the fourth quarter?

“Oh shit!” I thought to myself. I was so busy laying the pipe to Karen that I forgot to take in a few of the highlights of the game. She had me with my pants down, and I sensed that she knew it. But instead of accusing me of outright lying, she played it cool and allowed me to cut my own throat.

“No, I must have missed that when I made a run to the store for more beer.”

“What about the clutch free throw Derrick Rose made right before halftime?” she asked. “I couldn’t believe he missed it.”

“I couldn’t believe it either, baby. You would think a professional basketball player could at least make a lousy free throw, right?”

“Oh, and what about that hard foul Carlos Boozer gave Dwayne Wade at the end of the game?”

“Yeah, that was pretty bad. I love how the Bulls play physical. It’s like watching football.”

Why in the world did I say that? I fell right into her trap. She grabbed the remote and switched the television channel to Sports Center on ESPN. Right on cue, the basketball highlights came on. She gave me a nasty stare and excused herself to go to the bathroom. I stood there like a fool while the sports announcer commented on the Dallas Mavericks game. “What was the big deal?” you ask. Well, I told her I was watching the Bulls Heat Game, but the game on that night was the Dallas Mavericks and The Oklahoma City Thunder. Needless to say, I flunked her unexpected pop quiz. That incident taught me one very valuable lesson. “Don’t forget to watch a little ball while you’re out “
Playing Ball
.”

Are men really this sloppy and immature when it comes to cheating? Or are women so tolerant that men don’t have to reform their cheating ways? I think it’s a bit of both. The unfortunate part about Phil’s story is that his wife didn’t leave him or even threaten to leave. She did what most women do, fuss for a while and then go back to life as usual. Why are women so shocked that nothing ever changes, there are rarely any real consequences.

At times it can be frustrating for me as a forty something year-old man to report these ridiculous stories about adults who jump through hoops to arrange sex with the other woman. However, when you consider the unrealistic expectations we put on our relationships, it should be no surprise that we end up in the same place over and over again.

The definition of insanity is to repeat the same act expecting a different result. Well, isn’t that what we’re doing in our relationships? We meet someone, have sex, fall in love or lust, and put a label on him or her. Then we expect them to act in accordance with that label.

But what does that label really mean? For example, if a man tells you he’s married, should you assume he’s monogamous? If a woman admits to having a boyfriend should you assume that she is exclusive to him sexually or emotionally? My point is labels alone mean nothing without a verbal agreement! An understanding of precisely what the boundaries and rules are within that relationship.

The reason why we have so many men scheming on ways to get away to cheat is because the label of husband or boyfriend for that particular man did not mean he would stop having sex with other women. Maybe the label meant, “I want to raise a family with you.” Or “You’ll be the person I introduce to my family as my primary partner.” Or it could mean, “I will only love you.” But how will a woman ever know what that label means to that man if all she does is slap a label on him and say, now we’re together! Without any real understanding of what that togetherness means to him. Monogamy and commitment are two separate issues for men. Don’t ever forget it!

I’m not trying to minimize the responsibility of men to be honest but let’s face it women don’t ask enough questions. In part because once they find “The One” they are hesitant to do or say anything that will scare that man away, especially after she’s bragged about him to all her friends and family. Now, the pressure is on her to play the part.

To give you an example of how irresponsible and naïve women can sometimes be at times, I produced a documentary in 2011 titled, “Do Women Know What They Want?” The first question I asked a group of women was, “When you meet a single man, do you assume he’s dating or having sex with other women?” Over half of the women said they assume he’s celibate or not dating anyone else. That’s right! In 2011 women of all ages and races, educated and blue collar, stated that they would believe that a single, heterosexual man is celibate or at least not dating! How is that ratio even possible considering women’s attitude towards men in general?

On one hand women will profess, “A man is going to be a man!” Or, “a man will sleep with anything with a hole in it!” Or as a woman from Orlando said to me, “I teach my daughters not to pay attention to what a man says, but what he does!”

I actually agree with all three of those comments and so do many of you who are reading this book. But here’s the twist, if the vast majority of women believe this is the nature of men, why in the world would they assume he’s not having sex with another woman when they meet him? That’s a classic case of living in denial. Even if a man tells you he’s not having sex with anyone else, DON’T BELIEVE HIM!”

The fact that over fifty percent of women admitted they would take a man’s word for it, indicates to me that most women are so desperate, lonely, horny, or determined to find love, that they will allow themselves to believe anything to achieve their goal. Some women claim they are simply giving him the benefit of the doubt but if you really think about it from a psychological stand point, what she’s really doing is ignoring protocol in hopes that it will lead to something more. A lady friend of mine put it like this, “If the woman is attracted to that man, she’s already past the introduction, has already started sizing him up for husband, boyfriend, sex partner, whatever. To accept the idea that he is already emotionally or sexually involved with someone else is a buzz kill!”

But here’s my point, this man is a total stranger! You don’t know him from a can of paint! How did he get elevated to potential husband, boyfriend, or whatever, without even so much as a credit check! Not to mention a Google search of potential criminal history! Funny how women would never advise their friends to be so trusting but when it comes to managing their own lives, it’s often a train wreck!

So, what does this have to do with men escaping, you ask? Men creating lies to leave home to cheat begins with the lie that he wanted to be monogamous in the first place. That lie was created to make the woman happy and to secure her from being with other men. In the end, men get tired, bored, or scared and eventually cheat anyway, and the woman at some point shuts down, settles, or decides to cheats too! A woman I interviewed for my documentary film,
Love, Lust, and Lies
called it revenge sex! So, the elaborate schemes to escape home to cheat continue oftentimes with disastrous results.

Earlier I mentioned the workplace is the most common place where men and women hook up for affairs. It makes sense then that the cheating man would use his job as an excuse to get away. The way it works is simple. He calls home to tell his usual lie about working overtime and then leaves directly from work to see the other woman. Sometimes he’s actually having sex on the job with a co-worker. You’d be surprised by how many ass prints are on your boss’s desk. Men are notorious for breaking the golden rule in business, “Never mix business with pleasure. Or more to the point “Don’t shit where you eat!”

The reason why the cheating man prefers to cheat on the job, or after work, is because he can avoid explaining why he has to leave out of the house again. No man wants to be subjected to the guilt feelings of getting dressed to go out in the presence of his woman, especially since he’s not taking her with him. The mere sight of him standing at the mirror, combing his hair, and splashing on his most expensive cologne will surely piss her off. Meanwhile, a subtle inspection is taking place to check that his attire is appropriate for hanging out with the boys, and not for picking up skeezers. She will definitely know something is up if he changes out of his stained boxer shorts into the silk bikini briefs he’s been hiding in the bottom of his drawer. Of course, this entire situation can easily be avoided if the proper arrangements are made ahead of time.

One of the most ingenious methods men use to avoid going home to change is taking an extra set of clothes to work, better known as “The hide the clothes in the trunk trick.” Better know as a Ho bag! There isn’t a cheating man alive who hasn’t tried this trick, at least once. The problem, however, is sneaking the clothes inside the car without getting busted. One man said he waits until his wife falls asleep. Another man was so desperate he folded his garment bag up and placed it inside the garbage. Now that’s ridiculous! Most cheating men avoid all this drama by purchasing a complete wardrobe and leaving it at the other woman’s house.

The single cheating man who lives alone is no less pathetic. He must also devise clever methods of escape to keep his playboy façade intact. Lawrence, who is 34 years old, is the perfect example. He began dating a beautiful young lady four months ago and promised not to have sex with any one else. As a matter of fact, he also promised not to have other female guests over to his apartment. How stupid can you get? During the first two months of their relationship, he was loyal to his word. But after three months of this torturous treatment, Lawrence began to question his decision to be faithful. “I know a responsible man should stand by his word,” he said, “but I was too greedy and too arrogant to do the right thing.”

Could he continue to pull off this stunt without alerting his girlfriend to the fact that he is a no good, low down, dirty dog? Let’s find out. The preferred method of cheating in this situation is a technique called “Nobody’s Home.”

Lawrence’s Story

I
thought that having my own place would allow for some sense of independence, but no. The second you lie down with a woman she starts trying to move in and stake a claim. I’ve been on my own since I was 21 and I’m not about to give up my freedom just because some woman believes her multiple orgasms grant her the mineral rights to my penis. I don’t really like playing these games, but women don’t give you any alternative. They come off as sweet and innocent, sex you to death, and then drop a bomb on you, “I want a commitment!”