Never Say Genius
Authors: Dan Gutman
DAN GUTMAN
THE
GENIUS
FILES
NEVER SAY
GENIUS
To Barbara Lalicki, Laura Arnold,
Elyse Marshall, and all the folks at HarperCollins,
who have been so supportive.
“Every bad thing that happens in the world is good for somebody.”
—Nobody said this. But somebody should have
.
Chapter 1
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
T
here were eight items on Coke McDonald’s To Do list on June 25. But having his body lowered into a vat of boiling oil was not one of them.
SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PEP was on the list.
DO A DUMP was on the list.
WASH MY CLOTHES was on the list.
CLEAN UP MY STUFF was on the list.
But nothing about being lowered into a vat of boiling oil.
And yet, oddly enough, having his body lowered into a vat of boiling oil—along with his sister, Pepsi—was the
one
thing that Coke McDonald was actually going To Do on June 25.
Hold on for just a minute here. Before I tell you how Coke and Pep were lowered into a vat of boiling oil, you really need to read a book called
The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable
. Because if you didn’t read
that
book, this one is going to make no sense at all. It would be pointless. So get a copy of that book and read it. Then come back and start this one again.
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Okay, did you read it?
Liar!
What do you want me to do, read it
to
you? You lazy bum! If you don’t want to read
The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable,
get the audio book. If you’re
really
lazy, you can just Google it and read the summary online. What do I have to do, tuck you into bed at night too? Sheesh. I’m busy. What’s the matter with you kids today?
Fine, don’t read
The Genius Files: Mission Unstoppable
. See if I care. Basically, this is what happened…
(Deep breath)
Coke and Pep—they’re twins—were walking home from their school in California when a mysterious guy wearing a bowler hat started chasing them in a golf cart. Some lady wearing all red named Mya appeared out of nowhere and threw an exploding Frisbee grenade to take out the bowler dude. But Coke and Pep had to jump off a cliff after Mya got hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart shot by another mysterious bowler dude (the first guy’s brother) riding a golf cart. Luckily, Mya had given the twins wingsuits to wear, so they could jump off the cliff, fly through the air, and land safely on the beach.
(Deep breath)
Following me so far? Good.
You see, what Coke and Pep didn’t realize was that they had been recruited to be part of a secret government program run by the eccentric Dr. Herman Warsaw. He’s a genius inventor who had decided that the grown-ups of the world were hopeless. The only way to solve our problems would be to use the skills of the smartest kids in America. He called his program—wait for it—“The Genius Files.” As a reward for being a part of this dangerous program, the kids were promised a million dollars when they turned twenty-one.
Unfortunately, it didn’t look like Coke and Pep would ever reach that birthday, because someone was trying very hard to kill them. The next day at school, they were locked in the detention room and almost burned alive when the school was set on fire. The fire was set by their germ-phobic health teacher, Mrs. Higgins, who turned out to be an evil psychopath. Fortunately, the twins were rescued by the obese deaf/mute janitor Bones, who turned out to be skinny and quite talkative after he removed his fat suit.
Bones was part of The Genius Files team (as was Mya). To track the McDonald twins’ every move, he used a staple gun to implant tiny GPS devices designed by Dr. Warsaw in their skulls.
(Deep breath)
Still with me? Great!
The next day the twins started on a cross-country summer RV trip with their clueless parents, who must never learn about The Genius Files program. Along the way to their Aunt Judy’s wedding in Washington, D.C., Coke and Pep…
Watched a building blow up moments after they left it.
second
largest ball of twine in the world), because their mom runs a popular website called
Amazing but True
.