Authors: Bethan Cooper
He lays me gently on his bed and kisses me slowly and gently. I sit up and take off my top, revealing my body to him. He looks at me and I grab him and kiss him again.
"So beautiful." He whispers against my mouth.
He moves from my mouth down to my neck, does gentle kisses, and bites down my sternum. He kisses down the full length of my body, down my center, and works his way back up again.
His breathing is hot and heavy against my lips. There is something I have never felt before and it's pooling hot in my stomach. His lips skim my skin and kiss across my collarbone. His tongue gently strokes out and licks every so often. My back bucks when he kisses under my ear, causing a seductive moan to escape from my lips. Where is this coming from? I can feel him hard against my leg through his underwear. I have an urge to flip him over and explore him, like he is with me. I thought this would hurt me but all I can respond to is my body.
My blood has picked up profusely; my heart beating so hard it's causing my breath to falter. His fingers tickle against my ribs and I gasp when I feel his mouth over my breast. I can't control my back, it bucks again, and he licks and plays with my nipple. His left hand is playing with my left nipple and pleasure just consumes me. It feels so different to what I thought it would. My fingers twist through his hair and I pull gently. He makes a grunt; a sound that works its way from my ears straight to my groin. He lifts from my breast and looks down at my body. His eyes are dark, seductive.
"I've never felt this with a girl, Ella, only you. I want to taste every. Fucking. Inch." As his fingers tickle down my ribs, his tongue works its way over my stomach. I know what he's going to do, I won't lie, and I’ve seen porn. His eyes look to mine for acceptance and I nod at his unspoken question. Which I’m sure would be, ‘are you sure?’
His fingers hook under my panties and he pulls them down my legs, slowly, seductively. I feel his mouth on my breast once more, his tongue flicking my nipple. I almost don't realize his fingers are spreading me and he slowly slips one inside me. The feeling is,
different
. I know a finger is much smaller than he is, I’m sure, but it still feels alien. As he works his finger in and out, I feel a sudden wideness as he inserts two fingers.
"Am I hurting you, baby?" He whispers against my skin.
"No." I say breathlessly, almost inaudible.
He is rubbing something with his fingers, which sparks electricity throughout my blood. It's like a trigger and it feels so good. His tongue stops playing with my nipple and his mouth meets mine again. His tongue works mine and we entangle in my pleasure together. His fingers have picked up speed, rubbing me hard now, causing seductive and pleasured tones to escape my lips. They come from nowhere. I try to hold them in, but I can't. I'm too lost in the moment. My body starts to build I can feel it. My legs start to ache and my skin is getting hotter by the second. Sweat is building in soft beads on my forehead. It just explodes, like desperation. My fingers grab the white sheet below me and I pull on them hard as my orgasm consumes me in its warmth. Luke's tongue slowly twists with mine and he takes my groans in his mouth. He rests his forehead against mine and closes his eyes.
"That was the sexiest thing I have ever seen, Ella. You're just pure ecstasy." His lips meet mine again but I need more. My hand gingerly moves down and I trace the outline of his arousal with my fingers. He takes in a sharp breath, his eyes meet mine, lust piercing though. I could swim in just his eyes. That didn't hurt, he didn't hurt me, and I felt my first ever, pleasurable experience with a man. His thumb traces across my lower lip and I bite the pad.
"Fuck." Luke gasps and grabs my arms and pins me to the mattress. "Are you sure you're ready, baby? Are you one hundred percent, Ellie? I want to make love to you, but only if you want it too."
Do I want this? Yes, I do. I want to be with him, give my all to him. "Yes."
He releases my arms and stands from the bed. He slowly removes his boxers and hovers over my body. His eyes never leave mine. I can see him in the corner of my eye putting on a condom slowly over his length. How the hell is that going to fit
in there?
His thumb collides with my clit and I struggle to breathe in. Yeah, I’ve tried to masturbate before, but it was nothing like this. The feeling of his thumb rubbing soft circles is much, much more. I can feel him at my opening and he gently slides the tip in.
Fullness
. That's the only way I can describe it. His body shudders as he fills me completely and I know now I am definitely not breathing anymore.
His soft voice fills my ear, "Are you okay, baby? Am I hurting you?"
Is he hurting me? No, he's not. He's scared of hurting me, when all I want is him, I want us. “I'm okay." I whisper back and he begins to pick up his pace.
His forehead rests on mine and the soreness eases away, replaced with pure pleasure, adrenaline. His palm is resting on my cheek and his lips just barely touching mine. His eyes clench shut every time he thrusts fully into me. My hips start to work of their own accord, meeting him thrust for thrust. The desire starts to pool again and I can feel it building. His groans become my adrenaline. His voice is so seductive, so endurable. He moves his forehead away from mine and his fingers grasp harshly into my hair. It just causes pleasurable pain. His lips kiss my neck and his breath is heavy against my skin.
"You're so beautiful, baby, my Ellie." His words are my unraveling and I feel my blood spark to life, the ecstasy cursing through it radically, causing my body to shake and buck beneath him. Luke follows me shortly after calling my name in loud, seductive groans.
If you'd have told me yesterday I'd be losing my virginity to Luke James, I'd have called you a liar.
******
I awake to soft sunshine and Luke's arm wrapped firmly around my waist. I smile and remember last night, what it meant, what it means. I gently graze my fingers across his hand, across his arm, and feel him nuzzle harder against my back. I lift his hand, kiss his fingertips, and lightly bite his baby one. He groans and puts his head on my shoulder.
“Good morning, beautiful.” he whispers and kisses my neck.
“Hi,” I smile. I roll over so that I am facing him and his hand gently strokes my cheek, his thumb tracing my lower lip and he has a shy smile.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
Yes, how am I feeling? I am okay.
“I feel.... well.... happy.” I grin.
“Me too, Ellie, last night was...words fail me.” I smile at him and copy his motions with my fingers. I trace his sculptured jaw, across his stubble, and gently lean forward and kiss his mouth. He holds me there and kisses me back softly and I smile beneath the kiss. He rolls me over so that I am beneath him.
“I think I might love you,” I whisper and he raises his head to meet my stare. His eyes search mine in an attempt to understand my words and his forehead rests against mine.
“Do you mean that?” He whispers, his eyes clenched shut.
“Yes, I think I do.” He gently kisses me again and we fall into each other.I feel his love and fight for me, and we gently make love once more
.
******
I’m gently dozing when his fingertips gently graze across my scars.
“I hate how all these lines show how sad you were.” He looks refined, ashamed. It feels so soft and gentle when such a pain occurred there.
“They show me how much I hated myself, blamed myself, for Jay, for everything.”
“This one is wider than the others.” He looks at me with such a worry etched on his perfect face.
“Luke...please don’t feel sorry for me.” I look down at the scar and watch his index finger go back and forth across it and I remember how that one happened instantly. “That was my first one.” I whisper.
“Tell me, Ella,” he whispers.
“You really want to know?” He looks down at my arm and back up to me.
“I just want to understand.”
“Okay.” I breathe in deeply and shudder at the memory. “I was at school. It was lunch and I felt completely alone. I had no one. I walked into my English class; I know it was a Tuesday because he died on Saturday.” I stop and he looks at me and kisses my forehead gently. “As I walked in, there was no teacher, just the class. Some sat on tables, some sat at their desks. I believe you were there, too. Just as I thought my day couldn’t get any lower, they all started to chant Ella 'Smella'. Then, as if I wasn’t afraid enough, orange juice, water, pencils, paper, hit me from all directions. Someone even
spat
at me. At that moment, I wanted to know why these people
hated
me, why they didn’t care about me. What had I ever done to hurt them? What gave them the right to hurt me? The worst part was that even Jade wasn’t interested in me. I just broke down in front of everyone.”
He puts his finger to my lips to silence me. “Ella, I can’t listen to this, I remember. I don't know why people did that, why they felt the need to hurt you. I never even involved myself.”
“Luke, let me finish.” I give him a reassuring smile and he goes back to stroking my arm. “I just remember angrily wiping my tears away and I felt such an anger, a hate, a fury. I walked into the cafeteria.... I grabbed a plastic knife and fork, opened the packaging, and threw the fork in a trashcan. I went into the girl’s restroom and locked myself in a stall. I pushed up my sleeve and stared at my wrist. I know my tears were hot and heavy because I remember dashing them away. I saw where I wanted to do it, placed the knife to my wrist, and with each cut I felt angrier and angrier slicing into my flesh. The blood just poured out of me, Luke, and I just remember the noise, it was like a dripping tap, each drop of blood hitting the cold floor and I felt numb. I felt nothing.
“I panicked and I held my wrist with my other hand. I thought I’d cut an artery. The blood just kept escaping, no matter how hard I pressed my hand to it. I began to cry, not just an average cry, but also a howl. I couldn’t stop the pain, this pain I felt for Jay, for my life.
But I couldn't feel the pain from my wrist, it emptied so much out, pouring it away with the blood.
” I stop to choke back the sob of my memories. Luke is still listening. His face just empty of emotion and I know, deep down, how he feels for me. I swallow hard. “I walked out of the restroom and people were everywhere. Nobody stopped me. Nobody asked me if I was okay, do you know how that feels?” I turn back to face Luke and he’s crying. “No, Luke, don’t cry for me,” I beg. “Honestly, I’m passed all this, honest.” I smile and wipe his tears away.
“It’s just guilt, Els, It just makes me sad to know you were like this. You always stood out to me, Ella; I think I even liked you then. I could have defended you, but no, my reputation mattered more and I’m so sorry for that, Ella, I really am.”
“It’s not your fault, none of this is. It’s just all about my depression, my loss, and me. It will one day all disappear, my anxiety, my panic attacks. I know one day they will disappear.” He smiles at me and gently kisses my lips.
“What do you want to do today?”
“I don’t know what do you have in mind?”
“I could take you to a high school party...” My expression is blank. “Or not...” he laughs.
“What college are you going to, Luke?”
“Ella...I don’t want to ruin this right now.”
“I’m going to UCLA I think. It’s what I want. Tell me, Luke.”
“I got into Princeton.” He breathes. I have to look away. Oh God, what do I do? In four weeks he is going to be 2,000 miles away from me.
“See, Ella, I told you.” His fingers float through my hair as I try thinking of a logical way for us to work.
“That's across the country,” I sigh.
“I know. It’s closer to home for me, just a short flight. My dad wants me to come home on weekends to help with the business we are developing so I have something to cling to after college.”
I can’t help it but unbidden, unwanted tears gently fall down my cheeks.
“Oh, Ella, please don’t cry, I can’t bear it.” He pulls me close and I sob quietly against his chest.
“This is what you meant isn’t it? Why we couldn’t work, this is what you meant isn’t it?”
“Yes. You told me what college you were going to and I had to try distance myself, but, Ella, I can’t.” I pull away and wipe my eyes.
“We will make it work, Luke, I can’t only have four weeks with you, I love you.”
“Actually, Ella, I’m gone the day after prom.”
“WHAT?” I shout. "You lied to me?"
He sighs softly. “I need to be settled in New Jersey and my time obviously starts before yours.” I look at him and sigh. I can’t be this, do this now. I don’t want to know that we have to split and be so far away from each other.
“I need a shower,” I breathe.
“Ella...please,” he begs.
“Luke, I can’t. I just...can’t, okay?” I shift to move off the bed and he grabs my wrist and pulls me back so I am on top of him. Straddling his hips, I gently lean down and kiss his partly opened mouth.
“I can’t.”I whisper and he pulls me down and holds me, neither one of us wanting to let go.