Authors: Bethan Cooper
Monday, nothing. Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, a bunch of lilies
.
So
, it's Thursday and I can't cry anymore. I don't want to cry, but it's all I can do to stop a relapse. All I can feel. I have to meet with Jade today to collect my prom dress. It was mine and Jade's plan, even before Luke, that I would go to prom looking better than I ever have. Right now though, I'm not really feeling it. I hold my pillow and turn on my side. The rain is still falling. It's falling because of us.
It's the pain of the distance. He only has five days left here. If he wants me, won't he come get me?
I
chased him.
The past three days have been wasted.
Memories that are non-existent, gone. They aren't meant to be. I sigh and lay on my back. The bracelet he gave me is still on my wrist, looking delicate and fragile against my pale skin. I softly cry at the memory of it and sit up. I pull my knees to my chest and hug them hard. I drop my head onto my knees. Why do I feel this way? It's so different than Jay, to what it was. I know subconsciously that Luke loves me.
He just can't show it the way I want, the way I need him to. I
need
something to comfort me when the darkness settles in my empty head. The feeling of heartbreak is fierce; it causes the heart to feel weak. It feels like it's forcing the blood around your body, forcing it to beat, even if it's for no one. Even if it's just to keep you alive, but the empty breaths come and go aimlessly and you struggle with putting your heart back together. I never believed in heartbreak. Well that changed, I really do believe in it. I believe in the pain, the loss and despair, the feeling of losing someone. What makes it worse is that they are still here on the earth. They are moving on with their day-to-day life, careless of your existence.
Or so it may seem.
Knock knock.
"Go away." I shout.
Knock knock.
I groan and curse under my breath and climb off my bed to unlock my bedroom door. I'm immediately greeted by a hug. It's strong; it smells like, like - No.
"Luke, let me…go!" I push hard against him but he doesn't let go. His arms hold me tight like a vice. The tears come back, so much harder than they ever have. I sob so loud it makes me collapse to the floor and he collapses with me. I'm placed in his lap as my tears heave my body. His thumbs brush my cheeks as I feel the hot tears fall. The only noise heard above my sobs is the rain as it batters hard against the window.
"Why are you here?" I whisper, once the tears have calmed.
"I need you."
I push away and stand to my feet.
"So." I sniff. "What does that matter? I needed you. You…you didn't care." The tears start again and he doesn't move from the floor.
"Did you get my flowers?" He whispers, still looking at the floor.
He looks so weak down there.
"Um yeah, they're beautiful, thank you." He looks up at me and his eyes aren't their usual green. They're red. The green of his eyes are surrounded by redness, pain. That just makes me cry harder.
"What are you doing here, Luke?" I wipe my nose with my arm and sniff loud.
"I just told you, Ella, I need you."
"No, you don't, you just think you do." He shakes his head slightly and looks down at his hands.
"You have no idea, Ella. For the last three days the sun hasn't been shining. The rain has fallen every day, baby. For
us
. We've neglected our love and the sky is taking it out on us. Don't you see? Each day we argue it rains. Every time, Ellie. I don't want it to rain anymore. I want us to be each other’s sunshine every
goddamn
day. Every second I want warm sunlight, not freezing water. I can't live without you. Ever since you smacked those words in my face the other day, I have only felt broken, Els. I'm a guy; we can't be seen like that. We're meant to be hard and strong, not cry to sleep." He laughs softly and looks back up at me.
"Luke, come here." I mumble and hold my hand out for him to take. He takes my hand and lets me pull him up off the hard wooden floor. I pull him into me and breathe him in. I push him away gently and he looks deep into my eyes.
"You look so pained, Ellie." He pushes my hair away and traces my face. Like he's
remembering
me.
"So do you." I whisper and outline his mouth with my finger. He kisses it gently and I lean up to kiss his mouth. I hover for a second, asking for permission, and he moves his head down to me. He lifts me and I kiss him.
I missed him.
The taste of him hurt me more, that I had made myself live without this for such a long time. His tongue meets mine and he lifts me higher so my legs are forced to wrap around his waist. He pushes me up against my bedroom wall and the kiss becomes needy, desperate. I tug his hair and he growls against my mouth. I smile and kiss his neck.
"God, I missed you, Ellie." He whispers as I bite his earlobe. He pushes my tank top up to show my stomach and his fingers invade my body. He cups my behind and squeezes gently. I groan and kiss him harder. I pull at his bottom lip with my teeth, making him harden beneath his jeans in seconds.
"Mmm…" I groan as I feel his erection rock against me. "Just for me?" I breathe against his mouth.
"Always for you, Ellie, always." He kisses me again and moves us over to my bed.
Is anybody home?
No. How did he get in?
He lays me back gently and kisses against my neck. He pushes up so his arms
are straight either side of me.
"Do you love me?" He asks, his green eyes no longer red, but full of passion and distress. I cup his cheek and move a few strands of hair away from his forehead.
"Always." I whisper and he closes his eyes at my words, as if in pain.
"I love you." He whispers, his eyes still shut.
"I…I love you." I whisper and tears come unbidden to my eyes. His eyes snap open and he grins at me, devilishly.
"No more crying, Ella, not right now." He bends his elbows and kisses me again, his tongue tickling mine, causing heat to pool down…there. I simper against his mouth and pull at his shirt. He pulls
it up over his head and smiles at me. I lick my lips at the sight of him and moan as he pushes his lips back against mine. My fingers move up and down his strong back, remembering him. They weave in his hair, pulling harshly. I wrap my legs around his hips and pull him down to me.
"So…confident, Ella-" He moves to my neck and rocks himself against my short, thin pajama shorts. My numb fingers try mercilessly to undo his jeans. As his mouth leaves mine, he watches his own hands slide up my ribs, catching my tank top along the way and pushing it over my head. My chest is bare to him and he’s just watching me. I bite hard on my lip, knowing that he wanted me just as much as I wanted him. He kisses my neck and works kisses down my chest, circling each nipple with his tongue, and over my belly toward the waistband of my shorts.
"Luke…" My back arches upwards each time his mouth touches my skin. He kisses me along the waistband and pulls my shorts down slightly. He kisses the newly bared flesh and pulls them down more.
"So". Pull. Kiss. "Fucking." Pull. Kiss. "Beautiful." When he reaches his last word, my shorts are pulled off fiercely and he looks down on me again, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. He kisses my inner thigh and strokes my bare skin with his fingers. When his kisses reached my core, I couldn't help it, I cried out loudly, quivering at his tongue battling against my tiny nerves. As he swirled and kissed at the most sensitive part of my body, I cried out his name over and over, as my body broke down into a flash of explosion. My blood sang as he stopped but he caught my cries with his mouth, his tongue clashing mine fiercely. I tangled my fingers through his hair - desperate to have him inside me.
"I want you…" I whisper against his mouth. "Please…God, I want you so bad, Luke…" I grab at his jeans again and this time I get the button open and lean up to kiss his neck. I hold my arms around his neck as I push his jeans down with my legs. I push him onto the other side of the bed and pull off his underwear.
"…Ella." He groans as I grab him and work him with my hand. I stroke up and down and he moans under my touch.
"Fuck…" He whispers as I bring him close. "No, not yet." He mutters and pulls me back under him. We are both naked; our flesh lay bare against each other, dire and wanting. He cups me and uses his fingers to torture me all the more. They work inwards and outwards, bringing me so close to the edge that I feel I may fall away. He removes his fingers and gently eases into me. I cry out at the fullness, but it doesn't matter, because I want him so badly. My legs wrap around his hips as we lose ourselves in our own sync, our rhythm.
******
"You look so beautiful in this light," he whispers as I doze gently against his chest. His fingers are softly weaving through my hair, causing such relaxation - which is needed after the last few days of heartbreak. The soft sunbeams are hot against my bare back as my white bed sheet is resting at my hip.
"I guess the sun is happy with us." He smiles down at me, and I look up to him. His hair is messy and rugged and his jaw is covered in soft stubble. Eyes shining, his piercing green dancing with my blue.
"No more rain." I whisper and he presses his warm lips to my forehead. "You've saved me.
“Saved you?" He pulls his arms around me tighter. I sigh and snuggle close to his chest.
"You've saved me. I don't know where life would have gone without you, without-" I gulp back the tears which are forcing their way through. He pulls me back slightly and brushes my cheek, his eyes staring intently into mine.
"You make everything worth it. All the tears, all the painful memories. Just because your heart is beating, that's keeping me alive." He kisses me softly, his fingers working soft strokes up and down my naked back.
"I can't be without you, and the truth is, is that…. I have to leave you." I blink back the tears and his thumbs brush away the ones that escape.
"Wherever we are, whether it's three thousand miles away, or five minutes away, you'll be in my thoughts. In here." He presses his finger against his temple. "But when I miss you, the only pain I will feel, is in here-" He holds my hand to his heart. "And, Ella, it's going to hurt so bad, we are going to crave and want each other, but we will learn to deal without the skin, or the kisses. We will learn to not share the same air, the same bed. We will cope with not making love. I don't know why you're with me. I have only caused you much more trouble since you met me. We have fallen in love in the worse way. We have been embedded with heartbreak. I have never seen a girl cry the amount you have…"
"Luke…I-"
"No, baby, I need to say this. I have never seen a girl hurt as much as you have. All those wasted tears for me. When in five days, now four…" His eyes moisten and I feel my heart jump to my throat. He swallows hard.
"I'm going to miss you every second of every day. Not one day will I let you escape me. When I'm invited to pointless college parties, I'm sure all I'll want is to be by your side. Your touch is all I have. No one will be able to save me, Ellie. Not anyone." His words fall to a whisper, until tears fall freely from his eyes.
"No, no crying, Luke, please." He pulls my forehead to his and we cry with each other, soft sobs falling from our mouths. His warm lips kiss mine and block out the pain. They make it all go away.
"Come on!" Jade squeals, her hand firmly gripped onto mine, pulling me hard into the dress shop. When she pushes the door that satisfactory bell rings as we enter, letting any employees know we have arrived.
I smile at it, because yesterday, it wouldn't have mattered.
"Afternoon, girls," says the dressmaker.
"Mrs. Bennett." Jade says, her face spit into the biggest grin. "We've come to pick up our dresses."
"Oh yes, that's right. Give me five minutes, it was Jade…?"
"Michaels."
"Okay, sweetie won't be long." The plump lady goes out the back and Jade pulls me down to the seat next to her. I sigh and smile at her happiness.
"This is so exciting!" She squeals again, her hands clapping.
"Will you calm down? You're giving me a headache." She laughs and slaps my arm.
"So." She looks over at me, her left eyebrow raised. I open my mouth to speak and she grins, again.
Girls just know okay?
"You sneaky, sneaky girl! You slept with him?" Her mouth is open in that shock-smile face and she cups my cheeks. "Was he good?" She lets go of my cheeks and winks.
"I have nothing to compare it to." I mumble. She shrugs.
"And? Did he make you, y'know…" She clears her throat. "Come?" She whispers and laughs out loud. I look at her shocked and smile.
"Yes, he did." I say through laughter. She takes my hand in hers and laces our fingers.
"You're so happy, Ella. I'm so glad you're happy. We're going to LA in two weeks!" She squeals the last sentence again and I shake my head in exasperation.
"You're so excited, I love you."
"I love you, too." She kisses my cheek and Mrs. Bennett appears with two long white dress bags.
"I can't believe I let you choose my dress." I murmur.
"Well, I had to, Ella." She stands up and puts her hands on her hips. "Otherwise, you would have turned up in those dirty things." She points to my converse and I look down at my feet.
"What's wrong with them?" I ask, frowning.
"What’s right with them! Come on, we have dresses to try on." My cell vibrates in my pocket, so I pull it out and flip it open.
*This morning changed everything Ellie. I miss you. *
I smile at his words and type back, a smile not leaving my face.
*What are you doing later? Miss you too. *
*I was going to meet the guys. Haven't seen them for ages, and it'll be the last time I see them for a while
. *
I frown at the message and the phone vibrates again in my hand.
*Or I could come see this beautiful girl I know. ;-)*
*No
, don't change your plans for me. You go have fun :-)*
*You're so
perfect. I'll come after. I promise. I won't stay out late. *
*Luke
, when can I meet your parents? *
*Parent. *
What? Where's his mom? I know he has his dad, he told me he was going into business with him. What?
*Parent? *
*I'll tell you later. X*
*Okay. *
I put my cell in my jacket pocket just as Jade grabs my arm.
"Wow." I mouth at the dresses looking at me.
"Yours is that one." She points at the sky blue prom dress sat on its velvet hanger.
"It's baby blue." I whisper.
"Your favorite color right, right?" She holds my shoulders and squats so that her eyes are level with mine. "Ella, talk to me. You're scaring me."
"Jade, it's, um…." A few tears fall down my face. "It's so beautiful."
"And with your bright blue eyes, it'll match perfect!" Mrs. Bennett intervenes.
I walk over to the dress. Its bodice is a corset with a lace up back. The bust has crystals that look like diamonds shaped around the sweetheart line. I trace it gently with my fingers. The crystals form soft flower shapes across the body and down the left side. The dress splits at the hip and flows into beautiful waves. Its skirt is puffy, like a real prom dress should be.
"You'll look like a princess, Ella." Jade smiles at me and I wipe the stupid tears away with my jacket sleeve. "Want to try it on?" Jade asks, her eyes focused on her dress.
"Hell yeah!"
******
"You looked beautiful, Ella, shut up." Jade moans as I pull my Mustang into IHOP'S parking lot.
"Whatever you say, Jade, just feed me pancakes." I pout at her and put on the parking brake. She laughs at me and jumps over the door. "You know you can open the door." I sigh and roll my eyes at her.
"Where's the fun in that?" She throws me a smile and winks.
We are greeted by the refreshing smell of fat and maple syrup. Jade grabs my hand and leads me over to a booth. I shuffle in the leather seat and grab a menu.
"Do you really need a menu, Ella?" Jade asks, her eyebrows raised.
"No, I guess not." I sigh and put the menu back.
"Hello, lovely ladies. I'm Alice, and I'll be your server today. What'll it be?" She throws us both a smile and Jade and I give each other the same cheesy smile.
"We will both have the double choc chip pancakes and-" Jade interrupts me.
"We will both also like pancakes with bacon, scrambled eggs, and two iced teas please." I laugh at her completing my sentence and she shrugs at me.
"Wow, ladies, are you going to eat all that?" Alice looks at us both with a frown on her face. We both look at Alice and then back at each other and say "Yes" at the same time.
"We're hungry." I shrug at Alice and she walks away.
I decide to text Luke quickly before my pancakes arrive.
*Dress is a sky blue color. Just so you know ;-)*
I get an instant reply.
*How much food did you order
? *
Huh what?
I shake my head and put my cell back in my jean pocket. Jade leans across the table and bends her head slightly. I follow her moves and smirk at her.
"Ella…. did you know Luke was here?" She whispers.
"What?" I whisper, my eyes widen and I look over my shoulder slightly. "Where?" She nods to behind me and I look further over my shoulder. His eyes meet mine and I smile softly as he talks away to some of the guys.
"Oh, Ella, he's coming over."
"What?" I ask, sit back up, and Jade does the same.
"Ladies." Luke greets us. "Ellie."
I look over at Jade.
"Ellie?" She mouths.
"It's a ‘me and him’ thing." I shrug at her and wink.
"Spare me the details." She rolls her eyes and I laugh at her.
"Hi." I mutter and look up at Luke.
"Hi." He whispers and holds his hand out for me.
I take it and he pulls me into his arms.
We're in
the middle of a freaking IHOP
. His arms wrap around me and he gives me a big squeeze.
"Luke…can't…breathe…hello!" He pulls me away and kisses me soundly on the lips. One hand is holding the back of my head, the other against my hip. I moan under the connection and he smiles at me.
"That's all, for now." He whispers and releases me. "Jade." He acknowledges and she waves him off, her eyes fixed on her cell. He drops my hand, winks at me, and walks back to his table.
"That was freaking hot!" Jade exclaims as I resume my seat. I feel the heat of my blush across my cheeks.
"Hot huh? That's one word for it I guess." I shrug and our food arrives in front of us. I take a long drink of my iced tea and we tuck in to our large array of food.
******
It's nine at night, and I haven't heard from Luke since I saw him in the IHOP.
I'm just casually sitting on my bed, legs crossed beneath me with my MacBook searching stupid websites and checking up on my email. I have ZZ Top playing at the highest volume my computer’s speakers can take. I yawn and stretch my arms above my head.
Why does that always feel so good?
I lean over to my bedside table, grab my unfinished bag of chips, and stuff a handful of salty taste into my mouth. Of course, with my mouth full of food… Luke's calling me.
"Hello...?" I say, muffed through the chips.
"Ella?" He laughs. "You okay? What is that you're listening to?" I turn the music down and chew faster.
"Peachy, thanks, Luke." I swallow and clear my throat. "It's ZZ Top, don't dis the classics. Sup?" I ask.
"Sup? You're a weird one, girl." I can feel his grin.
"But you love me, right?" I put my hand up to my mouth to try stop the words that have already escaped. He chuckles softly.
"Yes, I love you. What are you doing?"
"I'm sitting on my bed."
"Doing what?" I sigh softly and look down at my MacBook, which is open at the UCLA's campus website.
"Researching. You?"
"Looking into some weird girls bedroom window." I smile, jump up, and run over to my window. Yep, there he is, waving softly when I see him.
"You look good." I whisper.
"Do I really?"
"Yes, you do." I giggle and he sighs softly. I watch him through the window as he slowly pulls his top up his abdomen and wiggles his hips.
"Luke, what are you doing? The neighbors will see you!" I laugh and he laughs with me.
"Get your butt down here, girl, I missed you." I hang up, shrug on some jeans and an Avenged Sevenfold hoody.
Pfftt whatever, he loves me.
I run down the stairs and as I reach the second landing, I bump into my dad.
"Oh, hey, Daddy. I didn't know you were home."
"Hey, bear. Yeah, about twenty minutes ago. You always hide in your room, I never know if it's safe. I heard you listening to my albums again. They better go back to where they came from." He frowns at me and shrugs his hands into his tailored trousers. I laugh at him and he smiles softly. "Where you off to anyway, lady?"
"Um… Luke's here, he wanted to see me." I sway softly on my feet, my patience wearing thin.
"Don't be late." He mutters and pulls me into a hug.
"Love you, Daddy, see you later." He releases me and I skip happily down the stairs.
When I open the door and close it softly, I turn to see some maniac sitting in my baby.
"Get out of my car, right now!" I shout at Luke and he smiles at me. I jump down the two steps and over to my car. "Out." He shakes his head. "Now!"
"Nope." He says, smirking.
"Why?" I ask my hands now firmly stamped on my hips.
"Because you're cute when you're mad." He winks at me and puts his hands on the steering wheel. "Please let me drive it, Ellie." He pulls a sad face and I laugh softly at him.
"Okay." I murmur and walk over to the passenger door. I jump over the door and into the seat.
"Keys?" He asks and I fish them out of my pocket and hand them to him. When they hit his palm, he grabs my hand and pulls me to him, our lips instantly meeting. I let his lips kiss me softly before opening up to him and letting his tongue work with mine. He pulls away first.
"I could never get enough of that." He whispers and licks his lips. He sits back, puts the key in the ignition, and the car sparks to life.
"Break it, Luke, and I swear…"
"What? Ella, you have seen the damn cars I drive. Of course I'll be careful." He pulls out of my driveway and we drive away from my house.
"Where are going?" I ask. "And where's your car?"
"My house and I walked."
"You walked?"
"Yeah, felt like getting some fresh air." He shrugs and turns on my radio.
"Evening Charlotte
, if you're just joining us it looks like we're in for a treat! The sky is mostly cloudy tonight with some clouds that might look threatening, but tomorrow we are due sunshine! Yes, you heard me right! Warm sunshine all day tomorrow! We've had no new traffic updates tonight so all roads are fine. I'll be leaving you with The Beatles, “Let It Be.” Goodnight!"