Authors: Bethan Cooper
Ella
.
The hot water falls against my skin in masses, the feel of it numbing my senses
, becoming harsh and scolding me as I gently run the sponge over my newly bruised ribs and small cuts. My finger trails along the inside of my arm, across my new cut. I turn off the shower and grab a warm towel from my towel warmer.
Luke drove Sarah home and has been with her for the past hour. He hasn't called and he hasn't texted. My heart keeps fluttering unexpectedly.
He got a girl pregnant.
I can't do this. I run over to my dresser in a flurry and dig under my underwear to find the blade.
Where the fuck is my fucking blade?
I find it and hold it away from me. The long silver edge is old now; it's the original blade that I stole from my dad so many years ago.
I drop it to the floor suppressing the choking sob that’s so desperate to escape. She could’ve killed me tonight. She could’ve sliced that knife against my throat, in cold blood, all because she lost her baby.
Luke’s baby.
I swallow back the emotion and fall against the cold wall to the floor. The distance I feel to Luke right now is unrecognizable. I feel him, but I can't focus on him. The shadow of my cell phone lights up and I crawl along the floor to answer it.
"Hello." I whisper into the darkness.
"It's me." He sighs and I shut my eyes at his voice.
"Hi." I say, barely loud enough to be heard.
"I need to see you. I'm under the bridge. Come see me if you can get out." He hangs up and I stare at the phone.
******
I look him up and down as I walk toward him. The darkness is unsettling, as it's past 2am.
"Hey." I whisper and bring him close to me. My arms wrap around his neck and he holds me tightly. He pulls me back gently and searches my eyes.
"Ella…" he whispers. “This is so hard."
"What…What is?"
"I'm so sorry." His tone is sad, his eyes staring at the ground.
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for, it was all Sarah, I'm fine." I run my fingers gently down his face and he pulls away. I frown at him and he bows his head.
"Ella…. I can't."
"What do you mean, you can't? You can’t what?"
It feels like a grenade has just exploded in my body, the realization of his words, his actions.
"I can't, Ella, we can't." He grabs my shoulders and leans forward so his eyes are staring deep into mine. "I can't." He whispers.
"Luke…. Please." I pull away, and shake my head at him. "No, no, not this…please, baby, please…we can make it work. We can." I wipe my eyes and smile softly at him. "We can make it work."
"No." He replays soundly.
"Please, don't do this to me…. please." My pleas are hopeless against his tough exterior. He has put his walls up; I can feel them stopping me from getting in.
"I need you." I breathe.
"We're over, Ella." He sighs and shrugs his hands into his jean pockets, his head still firmly bowed.
My body can't take the pain. This makes the cuts feel like nothing. The depression feels like nothing. As if on cue, the rain starts.
"And so it begins…" He says under his breath.
"You're breaking my heart, I'm falling apart right here in front of you. You made me fall in love with you, and you warned me. You did." I sniff and shrug at my words. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands trying to stop the tears and their imminent cascade. I back away and hold onto my stomach. The knot is tightening with every second. "You don't love me." His head snaps up and he looks at me, his green eyes broken.
"No, no, Ella. I love you more than life itself, but I can't do this. This is for us. We need to set each other free. It will just kill us, sweetly, painfully, day by day. I can't live with that pain, Ella, I just can't."
"So you'd rather live without me?"
"If it means you'll be happy, then yes, always."
"I won't be fucking happy you idiot! I will be a shell. A
nothing
without you. Don't you see that? I’m nothing without you." I feel my knees buckle beneath me and they hit the concrete hard.
"Luke…" I shake my head. "You will always be a part of me. I'll forever feel you in every dream, in every memory. You're going away and I'm never going to see you. I won't be coming home, not like I should be; I can't afford it. I won't see you again." I whisper the last words and hold my head in my hands. The feeling of my body heaving, desperate for tears to escape, is making me weaker, second by second.
His arms wrap around me and he pulls me to my feet. He holds me tight against him and I listen to his quickening heartbeat.
"This is going to be the last time I hear your heartbeat, isn't it? The last time I feel you against me. Your smell, your touch…." My words just make me sob harder and his arms grow tighter around my fragile body.
He pulls me back gently and his warm lips kiss me softly, I allow his tongue entrance and his hands cup my cheeks. We kiss each other like our lives depend on it.
On us.
I pull away gently and he rests his forehead on mine.
"Love is supposed to be stronger than distance." I whisper and he shuts his eyes at my words. “This is number four." I whisper. He looks into my eyes and runs a hand through his hair.
"What?" He says his tone deep and lost. I sigh and drop my head to look at my shoes. He tilts my chin back up and runs a thumb across my lower lip. I turn my head away and breathe out deeply.
"What?" He repeats and I meet his eyes.
"This is the fourth time I have been hurt around you and every time you have saved me. But now, you've broken me, I’m broken. Nobody is here to fix me this time. Who's going to fix me?" He leans his forehead against mine.
"Ella. I've just been told that I could have been a dad, but I was selfish. I ignored the girl that wanted to be happy. I let her get depressed, alone, violent, and needy. I let her chase me because I was so fucking selfish to see the truth. She wanted a happy life with me. She was perfect, beautiful, and I broke her. We need to end this now, Ella. We
have
to end this now." I push away from him and stumble backwards nearly losing my balance.
"End this? So, we are just a "this" now?"
"You're everything I could ever need, Ella." I run towards him and cup his cheeks.
"Then don't do this. Please, don't do this." I search his eyes and he shakes his head. He kisses my lips gently and pulls away. I hold onto his arm and he bows his head. He turns his broken face back to me and smiles gently. He grabs my hand, kisses it softly, and lets me go. I grab his hand again and he sighs.
"Let me go, Ellie."
"I can't." I whisper. "Please, Luke, don't do this. You promised, forever and always." I sob, my body still shaking.
"Goodbye, Ella." He whispers as he unfolds my fingers from his skin. His heat gone, his touch gone. I watch as he walks away, his back to me, to
us
.
******
I gently hold back my drapes with trembling fingers as I watch the world wake up.
Everything just feels so much
darker
.
Lonely.
The darkness of the early morning seemed to seep in through the window, engulfing me in its blanket, and stealing my warmth.
Of course it's raining.
I can't, I won't cry anymore, but it's too hard. The unexpected heave of feelings climbs through my body like it's trying to eat me alive. The feeling of pain, of hurt…loss. I hold my stomach and try to control the violent sobs that escape. The floor is unforgiving as my knees hit it hard.
I hold onto his hoody and cry into it. I knew it. I knew it would be this hard. The feeling of not being able to hold his hand, touch his lips with mine, feel his heartbeat against my hand. The last few days were as expected.
Well actually, not as expected…especially not the whole Jenna, Sarah, Luke coming to rescue me scenario, but he and I had loved each other.
I try lifting my deadweight body from the floor, but it's just so hard to want to get up. I hold up my wrist and look at my bracelet. It just makes me cry so much harder.
It is NOT true what they say. If you love someone, you definitely do NOT set them free.
The loneliness I’m going to encounter in LA scares me. The repeat of high school frightens me. I'm going to be alone. Independent. Jay always told me to follow my dreams. Follow my life's ambitions and hopes. I let out a small groan and find some strength. I walk over to my radio and switch the dial to the left.
"Hey there folks, it's 5am here in Charlotte, and here we are with yet again, rain! Next up, Green Day - When September Ends."
I sit on my bed and turn the radio up loud. I sit and listen to his voice, his feeling through his singing, the strong drumbeat. This song came on when Luke and I drove home from the lake. I had an anxiety attack, well almost. Now, I can feel the song, I can feel the music.
The world knows. That song was destined to play today. It was meant to play at this time, because I’m already awake, watching my heartbreak. It was meant to make me feel what it has. It was meant to rain today, to portray the pain we both feel when we're apart.
Four weeks later
The Los Angeles sunshine is welcoming as I walk along Huntington Beach, my sunglasses shading my shadowed eyes, empty from pain. The air is warm and fresh with the smell of the ocean. I take off my sandals and hold them in my hand.
I walk towards the water and smile at the sound of the sea gulls. The white waves crash against my feet, my toes buried into the sand.
Three thousand miles away from me
, I can hear him.
"Just close your eyes
, Ella, and you'll be with me."
I can feel him behind me. He's holding me like he was at Carolina
Beach. His head is resting on my shoulder, his mouth muttering soft words against my hair.
He's right here with me.
In my heart.
Except he’s not.
Not even close.
To Be Continued…
*
Author Note. *
During this chapter there is forms of physical and emotional abuse.
Chapter One Of Always And Forever
November 2011.
I peel myself away from the sweaty skin that's resting across my waist. I move the man’s arm gently and stand to my feet. The floor squeaks slightly and I freeze on the spot as he turns back over.
"What the hell was I thinking?" I groan quietly and gently slip on my lace panties that are delicately hanging from the bedpost. With them back in their rightful place, I sneak around to the other side of the room and find my dress from last night’s ridiculous party.
Going to a party with Jade always ends up like this. I mentally block the stupid girls head out of my mind for now and close the door to this guy’s shabby apartment behind me. When I reach the outdoors
, the fresh, hot LA air hits me first, filling my lungs with sweet, smoke free air.
I scramble through my purse looking for a dime, a dollar, anything. I find my wallet, cell, and pull out a dollar bill. I spot a vending machine across the parking lot and stride over, barefoot, my heels in hand. I put in my dollar, type in the number for water and bend to pick it up. I unscrew the cap and place the bottle against my dry lips. I drink it all in literally ten seconds. I find one more dollar and buy another.
Right
, Ella, taxi.
I run towards the sidewalk and walk a few blocks down.
Why, why, why?
I promised myself I wasn't going to do this anymore with stupid, random guys. I try blocking the flashbacks of last night, not only how shit the sex was, but how that guy was plain terrible. I sigh and hail for a taxi. It pulls up beside me, and I slide into the passenger seat.
"Thanks." I mutter and pull out two fifty-dollar bills.
"Where to, lady?" I raise my eyebrow at him, his sweaty forehead making me gag slightly.
"Um, ‘Traves Avenue’ please." I say through a gasp as he speeds away - fast.
"Flashy lady, huh? Looks like you had a one night stand to me."
Oh, fuck you Mr. Taxi man.
"Hey! I pay you to drive me home, so drive me. No dictating my life to me, okay?" He shrugs, and put's his foot down. An image of guy number- fuck knows, makes my stomach churn. Images of his deep brown eyes capture me for a second and I gaze through them in my mind. It was the eyes, clearly. I roll my own eyes at these thoughts and pull out my cell. I have emails from my boss, and one text from Jade.
*Hey girl, had 2 go back 2 work. Hope you get home okay. Left some goodies for you at home. *
Oh, goodies
. I smile and reply to her.
*In a cab right now. Just turning into the complex. Hope you have a good day on set and enjoy it. Miss you.
PS. I'm never drinking sex on the beach again ;)*
I ruffle through my purse to find my keys. I push it into the lock and walk into my hallway. Simba, my big fat ginger cat, immediately greets me. Another memory of Luke sucked into my life like a leach. I throw my bag on the side
table and pour a large glass of white wine. Before I take a sip, I check my cell and realize it's nine-thirty am. Okay, Ella,
way
too early. I roll my eyes and pour the wine down the sink. Simba is weaving through my legs like a maniac and I bend down to pat his head.
"Fat little kitty." I coo at him and he meows in appreciation when I pour some cat food into his bowl. I go to turn on the kettle and my cell begins to vibrate. I see it's Eric, my very extravagant work colleague, and answer the call.
"Yeah?" I say, holding my cell between my shoulder and cheek.
"Ella! Darling! Princess! Angel!" I roll my eyes and a grin appears instantly on my face. I open my refrigerator and eye up the pizza box from last night. I grab a slice and take a big bite.
"Hey, Eric, what's up?" I say through a mouthful of pleasure.
"Hey, girl, whatcha eating? Not a man I hope?" He gasps in amusement and I nearly begin to choke on my pizza.
"No, baby, just a pizza." I say through a laugh.
"Oh, beautiful, it's nine a fucking m. You need to watch those curves, girl."
"Shut up!" I run the faucet and wash my hands of the sticky pizza grease.
"Oh, you know you love me, bitch. Hey listen, the CEO is in today. Did you get my memo?" I knock a glass over at his admission. "You okay? Ella?"
"No, I'm not fucking ready! And no, I didn't receive any frigging memo! What time is he in?" I say, carefully picking up the small pieces of glass.
"Around ten-thirty, -ish. You need to get ready, girl." He says and clicks his tongue.
"Oh, fuck off, Eric. Listen, my cars at work, do me a favor and drive it here. Please." I say, in my best angelic voice.
"You'll be the death of me, Ella, see you in ten, missy, be ready." I throw my cell on the table and run to the bathroom.
***
***
Work made me depressed.
I know, I know, stupid word to use.
I work for an enterprise, which consists of writing shit, for shit reasons. I have next to no money, liv
e in Jade's posh LA apartment, and spend most of my evenings polishing off a bottle of wine, and sleeping with men.
The sex is always
empty
, that's what I live with needing now, sex, and lots of it. It makes me feel vulnerable and wanted. I'm twenty-four years old. I'm living my fucking life. My mom never calls anymore; my sister doesn't even want to know me. I'm worse off now then I ever was in high school. The only thing that makes me happy is Jade. She's my best friend, when she wants to be. She works away - a lot. She's an actress, insanely famous, to the point where paparazzi even follow
me
around.
I wasn't scared anymore though, of life.
Of anything.
Before, I'd cut myself, I'd let the blood flow from the wound and smile as the release flowed out, but now, that's what sex did for me. I couldn't have children. After purging for years after high school, I fucked up my body, the periods were non-existent, and I constantly felt ill. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome the doc said, but instead, to me, it's a fucking disease, a punishment. The ominous CEO didn't come in today.
No surprise, I work for the guy and I’ve never even met him. So, I returned to my cave, to face all the demons in my head, and fall back into a reality that was actually all-so fake.
***
***
"Nathan please, don't." I begged, backing up against the wall. Putting his fist next to my face, I gulped back the fear and watched his dark angry brown eyes scan my body.
"Was he good, Ella? Did he satisfy you?" Looking back into the eyes of a harmer, I panicked under his gaze. "Did. He. Satisfy. You. Ella?" Swallowing hard, I felt the tears I didn't want to come appear at my eyes. "Answer me, dammit!" Punching the wall hard, his fist went straight through. I shook my head just to shut him up and he smirked slightly.
"Not as good as me, right?" Removing his fist from the wall, he slapped me across my face hard, causing me to fall to the floor with blood filling my mouth.
The taste of metal. I spat it out. I looked up and saw his knuckles were bleeding profusely and he had that stare across his brow.
"It's me, Ella, you fucking know that, you dirty, bitch." His hands clasped around my throat and I struggled to take another breath. He lifted me to my feet. Why I always came back to Nathan, I didn't know. He had this hold on me that I couldn't shake off. Yet, we both cheated on each other. The blood began to slow through my veins and I couldn't feel the pain that was desperate. My head began to swim, a cloud washed across my eyes. Nathan let go of my throat and pulled me towards his bedroom - and again, he would have his way with me.
******
This was worse than any depression I claimed to have suffered during high school. Nathan was bound to kill me some day, and I kept it going, I was too afraid to tell the
police; he had threatened to go after my friends and family if I ever reported him.
Awakening in Nathan's bed, I felt sick. I always felt sick. Running to the bathroom, I let the contents of my stomach escape from me. Letting the retches take over my body, I held onto the sides of the toilet bowl. Not caring about the state of the dirty floor, or the lime scale around the rim. After my body had let itself recover from its torture, I switched on the radio in his bathroom and Radiohead's ‘Creep' filled the dark room. Looking into the mirror, I saw deep black bruises across my pale skin, the purple outline tender and sore. Running my finger along the bruise, I winced. My eye was the worst, the purple bold and strong around the socket and the swelling causing it to nearly shut. I was always the victim. I didn't want this anymore. Unlocking the door, I burst into Nathan's bedroom, and ripped the comforter from his body.
"What the fuck?" He stirred and stared at me. His face mellowed when I stood naked before him.
"Is this what you want me to look like? Marked, ashamed by you?" I spat at him, my anger profuse. He smiled and stood from the bed. I know why I was attracted to Nathan, he made me feel like nothing to him, which is what I wanted, to hide the pain of my past.
"Always, Els." His fingers traced over his marks and his lips gently grazed my lips. "You're so beautiful, I'm so sorry I did this to you, you just make me so - so fucking mad." I gave in to his kiss and let him work against me before I pushed him away.
"I've got to go, I need to get to work." I stammered, falling around the bedroom looking for my things. I felt his dark eyes follow me, invading me more than he had already. Glancing at myself in the mirror, I saw that my eye was much worse. "Fucking hell, Nathan. What am I going to tell them at work? Look at the state of me!" He shrugged and pulled the comforter back over his body. "Well thanks for caring. Ass." He flipped me the bird and I opened and slammed his front door.
As I stepped into the sticky LA air, I felt the smoke leave my mind as I tried to clear him away. Walking over to my car, I drove home.
**
****
"Hey
, Ella, what the hell?" Daisy pulled on my arm and into the girl’s restroom. She gently pulled my sunglasses from my face and gasped in horror. Her hands instantly covered her mouth and she shook her head. "I'll fucking kill him." She began to leave and I grabbed her arm. I went to work, regardless of the bruises. I need something to take my mind off Nathan. He was a craving now.
Like an addiction, but yet, something still so much stronger than that.
He had me under lock and key, he made me feel like the piece of shit I was.
"Wait. Daisy, it's okay. I'll be okay." Daisy was my closest friend at work; she knew everything about my life. She saved me all the time.
"You need to finish with him." She stated firmly. "Or I'll beat his ass. You deserve better." I pushed my sunglasses back over my eyes, and felt a curtain cover me.
"I'll be fine." I repeated. "I cheated on him, I deserved it."
"What? Are you blind? Nobody deserves a black eye and I'm guessing he had his way with you again? When is it going to stop, Ella?"
Shrugging my shoulders, I stepped back from her. "I don't want to talk about that right now, okay? Just let me deal with it."
"Okay." She whispered. "Just so you know, the CEO is hanging around today. I had a meeting with him yesterday. Just try stay away from him, and, well, anyone.. Okay?" Nodding, I pulled out a light pink lip-gloss and streaked it across my lips.
"I'll be fine." I lied; to myself and to her. Daisy pulled me into an awkward hug and I tried my hardest to keep my arms covered.
Breathing in, I walked what felt like ten miles to my desk, and sat down on my chair. Pulling the lever underneath, I made sure I was at my lowest. A bright yellow sticky note was stuck to my iMac. Pulling it away
, I read it, and felt my stomach flip over.
Ella,
I don't know why you're late, but the CEO has asked to see you at 10:30am.
Tyler.
Screwing up the note, I threw it into my trashcan and picked up the office phone.
"James’ Enterprises." Jamie's soft voice flowed through the line.
"Jamie, it's Ella on level six. Can you put me straight through to Tyler's office please?"
"Sure, babe." I waited for the connecting tone and sighed when Tyler's voice appeared.