Authors: Julie Blair
“I have time to help you go through files, Jamie.”
Jamie looked back to the pool. Travis was having a splash fight with another little boy. Not far away were two women, one floating on her back supported by the other’s arms. What would it be like to have that kind of support? “I’d appreciate it.”
*
“Where’s Jamie?” Penni sat down on the end of Carla’s chaise.
Carla nodded at the pool. “Travis kidnapped her.”
“We’re gonna play volleyball. You two are on my team.”
“Sounds like fun.” Carla had never played, but the chance to be near Jamie was worth looking foolish. She could imagine high-fiving Jamie after a good play. What would her hands feel like now? That tingly feeling flared up. She needed to get Jamie alone to talk to her before she lost her nerve.
“I’m going to do laps,” Jamie called from the pool. Carla could barely pull her eyes from all that exposed skin.
“Mom, I’m hungry.” Travis skidded to a halt in front of Penni.
“You had lunch an hour ago. Where does it go?” Penni squeezed Travis around the waist. He wiggled away from her. “Can you find your way back to the picnic area?”
“Yes,” Travis said, as if insulted.
“Get a snack but not too much. Birthday cake in an hour.”
“K,” Travis said as he scampered off.
“Do you mind if I ask you something?” Penni’s expression was much too serious.
“Would it stop you if I said yes?” She liked Penni. She was funny, an attentive mom, and obviously devoted to Jamie.
“No.” Penni paused. “Are you that girl? The one Jamie met in Atlanta when her flight was cancelled?”
Carla’s heart did a slow roll in her chest and then beat furiously. She put her hand over it. Jamie had recognized her. Why didn’t she say so? She kept her eyes glued to Jamie. “Yes, I am.”
“That’s appropriate, given the concert you went to. Jesus.” Penni shook her head.
“How did you figure it out?”
“Earlier, at the pool, you were looking at Jamie like…” Penni shrugged. “Then the name and accent clicked.”
“Ah. I wasn’t so subtle.” The sight of Jamie in that two-piece suit had made her want to run her hands over the body she’d never forgotten.
“No.” Penni rubbed her face briskly. “Jesus.”
“Say what you have to say, Penni.”
Penni looked toward Jamie, seeming to gather her thoughts. “That night with you changed her. She moped for months in a way I’d never seen before.”
“Go on,” Carla said, swarmed by emotion that made her feel hot and cold at the same time. Jamie not only remembered that night, but it had affected her. Her heart leapt, but why hadn’t she said anything? Could this be just a silly misunderstanding? She resisted the urge to jump in the pool and pull Jamie into her arms and tell her she remembered, too.
“She’d never talked about a girl the way she talked about you.”
Carla flinched. It had been so personal, so private.
“No, she didn’t give me details.” Penni met her eyes and smiled. “I understood better when I fell in love with Lori, but that was several years in the future,” Penni said, a wistful quality to her voice. “She kept talking about what might have been if you hadn’t left. She was never the same after that weekend, Carla. Partly because of you, partly because of her difficulties being a doctor.”
Carla frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“No, you wouldn’t. Jamie makes it look easy now, but she had a hard time finding her way in the beginning. She was joining her father’s practice and those were big shoes to fill. Nothing short of perfect was ever good enough for him. Or for her.”
“That hasn’t changed,” Carla said. “Do you hate me?”
“Of course not. Why would you think that?”
“Because I walked out on her.” The sorrow of that decision had been absorbed into the joys of her life, but she’d never imagined it had hurt Jamie. Was that why Jamie hadn’t acknowledged her? Would she give her a second chance?
“You can’t change the past. What matters to me is whether you’re going to walk out on her again.”
“That night affected me, too, and she still matters to me. I don’t know what I mean to her.”
“You’re the one she can’t forget.”
“Ditto for me.”
“You’re married. Jamie would never—”
“Not in the way you think. It’s…complicated.”
“If you still have feelings for her I suggest you do something about it.”
A woman walked up and put a hand on Penni’s shoulder. “There you are. I thought we were going to play volleyball.”
“Carla, this is Lori, my wife and the birthday girl.”
“Happy birthday.” Carla stood and extended her hand but was pulled into a hug by the short woman with hair as blond and a smile as bright as Penni’s.
“Congratulations on the job. You’ll love working for Jamie.”
“Hey, birthday girl,” Jamie said, picking Lori up off the ground and planting a kiss on her cheek.
Jamie’s suit was plastered to her, and water dripped off all the curves Jamie covered up too quickly with a towel. Carla caught Penni grinning at her.
*
“Come on, Jamie,” Penni said. “We’re playing volleyball, and you’re on my team.”
Jamie pulled on her shorts and then her shirt. Carla was staring at her when she poked her head through the collar, something too friendly about the look in her eyes. Did Carla think they were going to be friends outside of the office? Penni really shouldn’t have invited her. “I’m going to savor a few more minutes in the sun and then go mingle. It’s been a while since I saw a lot of these people.”
“No argument. You know how I hate to lose.”
“Volleyball’s not my sport.”
“I know it’s not softball, but you can suffer through.” Penni hooked one arm through Jamie’s and the other through Carla’s as they all followed Lori along the path away from the pool.
“You’re a softball player?” Carla asked.
“Star pitcher,” Penni said. “We played together at San Jose State. That’s how we met. Shall I tell Carla the story?”
“Carla doesn’t need to hear about that.” She didn’t need Penni telling more stories about her.
“Now I’m curious,” Carla said.
“I was walking across campus and saw a group of football players sitting on a picnic table by the cafeteria. You know, how they sit on the table part and put their feet on the seat and spread their legs like we cared to see their equipment?”
“I remember that pose,” Carla said, her voice too bright.
“Those bozos were rating every girl who walked by, actually calling out numbers. So I trotted over and sat down and gave my own ratings—all tens. They asked what the hell I thought I was doing. I said I liked to look at women, too, and thought I was better qualified to rate them since I’d probably slept with more than any of them had.”
“Good for you,” Carla said.
“So my friend here, whom I hadn’t met yet came over and said she was qualified to judge, too. We both called out tens to the next dozen girls.”
Jamie clenched her jaw. Sometimes Penni’s boundaries left a lot to be desired.
“Bet that went over well,” Carla said.
“Predictably, we got called
dyke
,
bitch
, and several other single-syllable names.”
“I’ll bet you two were trouble,” Carla said.
“You have no idea. Remember that time we were playing in Reno? And we snuck out of the hotel and went to that lesbian bar?”
“Don’t,” Jamie said, now furious with Penni. When Penni winked at her a sick feeling curled up from her stomach. Penni had been talking to Carla while she was in the pool. “I haven’t interviewed her yet,” she’d said. What if—Shit. Carla didn’t remember her and that was just fine, but she didn’t need Penni needling her about an irrelevant past.
“Remember that chick who wanted to come back to our room for a—”
“Stop.” Jamie yanked her arm free. Was Penni leading up to asking Carla if—
“You think I’m shocking Carla?” Penni turned to Carla. “Are you shocked?”
“Not at all,” Carla said. “I’ve succumbed, willingly, to a night of unexpected passion.”
“My, my, new office manager has secrets. Do tell.”
“I forgot my phone in my car,” Jamie lied, as she walked back the way she’d come. What the hell was Penni doing?
“Get it after the game,” Penni called after her.
“Patient might call.” Jamie ran down the path. Shit. Penni was having fun at her expense.
*
Carla stared after Jamie’s fleeing figure, embarrassed.
“Go after her,” Penni urged her.
“That wasn’t fair, Penni. We put her in an awkward position.”
“So, fix it. Tell her you remember her. She’ll want to know.”
Carla hurried to catch up to Jamie. This wasn’t how she’d envisioned their reunion.
“Take a walk with me?” Carla wrapped her fingers around Jamie’s wrist and guided her along a dirt path shaded by overhanging branches of oaks and redwoods.
“I need to get my—”
“Let’s walk down by the water.” Carla led them to a small sandy area alongside the creek. It was churchlike, with redwood trees enclosing the area like columns and a large boulder in the middle, almost like an altar. A heart was drawn in black on the boulder,
Sandy and Leon Forever
written inside. She took a deep breath but couldn’t calm her racing heart. “Are we going to talk about that night?”
Jamie’s breath rushed out as if she’d been punched. She crossed her arms. “It was a long time ago.” Their shoulders touched. Jamie inched away.
“So you do remember.” Carla’s heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings. She could think of a dozen movies where this was the moment the lovers turned toward each and…
Jamie was looking down at the ground. “Yes,” she finally said.
Carla stared at the water drifting past them, little more than a trickle this time of year. Why weren’t they embracing? Why did Jamie seem angry? Was Penni wrong? “I never forgot that night, Jamie. Never,” she said, her voice shaky.
Jamie squeezed her fingers into her arms, still looking at a spot on the ground in front of her. “You left,” she said, her voice tight.
“I think you know why.” Tears filled Carla’s eyes. Jamie was as stiff as a tree next to her. This wasn’t going the way she’d imagined.
“You had a family.”
Was that what Jamie thought? Carla shook her head.
Jamie was quiet, then looked at her, head cocked. “You were pregnant.”
“Yes.” Carla made no attempt to stop the flow of tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” It was more an accusation than a question.
Did it matter now? Wouldn’t one kiss be better than a dozen explanations? “Walking out of that hotel room was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I stood there for a long time praying for things to be different so I could wake you up, so we could make—”
“It doesn’t matter.” Jamie walked to the edge of the creek and crossed her arms.
“It matters to me.” Carla stepped next to her, so close she could hear her breathing. “That night marked me.” Why was Jamie angry?
“I thought I was just an experiment. Sex with the lesbian and then back to your straight life.”
The harsh tone felt like a slap. “Oh, Jamie, that wasn’t it at all.” Carla met Jamie’s eyes and the pain there made her heart stop. No wonder she hadn’t said anything. Her heart fluttered as she envisioned that happy ending again. She took Jamie’s hand and held tight when she tried to pull away. I’m not leaving this time, she wanted to say. “I never meant to hurt you. My life was no longer my own, and I’d made a commitment that I couldn’t betray.”
Jamie said nothing, her gaze back on the ground in front of her. At least she hadn’t pulled her hand away.
“I’d gone home to tell my parents I was pregnant. By the time I got to the airport I was an emotional wreck, and having the flight cancelled was the last straw. I’d probably have sat in that seat all night if you hadn’t come by and rescued me. A total stranger, and you asked me if I was all right. In the week that I was home, neither of my parents bothered to ask me that. You can’t imagine how that affected me.” Carla waited. “Please say something.”
“That answers some questions.” Jamie looked at their linked hands. “You could have stayed. You could have told me this. The loneliness of—” Jamie shoved both hands into her pockets.
“I was shown a magical night by a kind stranger. I didn’t know what it meant to you, but I assumed it was just a one-night stand. I got the impression you were kind of a lesbian Casanova.” Carla nudged Jamie with her shoulder, trying to lighten the mood. “That girl at the bar?”
“What girl?”
“The brunette who came over and said something about a tree root and kissed you?”
“Oh, that girl. I felt bad about that.” Jamie looked at her, the hint of a smile on her face. “Why didn’t you say anything in the interview?”
“You acted like you didn’t recognize me, and I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to embarrass either of us. I hoped you wouldn’t offer me the job. Why didn’t you?”
Jamie kicked at a rock. “I didn’t think you recognized me either…and your ring. There’s sort of this stigma about straight girls satisfying their curiosity.”
“Oh, Jamie, it wasn’t curiosity.” To finally be having this conversation was both a gift and a painful reminder of loss. She ached to feel Jamie’s arms around her. But Jamie had stiffened again. What did she have to say to get them past this and into the present? “I don’t know why fate has brought us together again, but I’d give anything to have a second chance with you.” Carla held her breath as her heart beat nearly out of her chest.
Jamie shook her head vehemently as she backed away. “It really doesn’t matter, does it? You have a husband and I have a partner.”
Carla watched Jamie’s retreating back, too stunned to speak as her fantasy reunion shattered and fell like leaves at her feet. Telling Jamie about Mike wouldn’t have made any difference. Oh, God, what had she done? The look of torment in Jamie’s eyes just before she left…Her heart dropped to her stomach. She stared at her surroundings. They’d looked magical. Now they were just trees and sand. She wouldn’t be writing their names in a heart on the boulder. She sat down against it and cried for a long time.