New Beginnings (113 page)

“I just wanted to become someone you’d be proud to call your husband.”

I was still rough around the edges. No matter how many millions I had in the bank, I knew that would never change. I grew up on the streets without the benefit of a formal education, being raised by bikers who didn’t know any more than I did about how to survive in the upscale suburban jungle.

It was a different world here, where people sent their kids to private schools, bought them a Mercedes when they turned sixteen, and groomed them for success from the day they were born. I never thought I’d want to be a part of this world, but I did because I could go to sleep at night knowing my hard work afforded my family the best, and that’s exactly what they deserved.

“I am proud of you,” she said, kissing me. “So proud. I feel like I stopped telling you that somewhere along the way. Your successes got bigger, but my praise just…” She shrugged. “Stopped. I’m sorry about that. I never stopped being proud of you, but I am sorry I stopped telling you.”

I drew her close, crushing her against my chest. “I love that we’re talking like this again, Mac. Saying things to each other we should have been saying all along.”

“Maybe this happened for a reason,” she said, tipping her head back to look at me. “To remind us of what we stand to lose.”

“I’m not losing you,” I said, knowing I was probably overstepping. “I don’t care what it takes. I am
not
going to lose you.”

Ryker

“So listen, guys,” I said to my sons over a burger and fries at our favorite Saturday night haunt. “I wanted to talk to you about your mom. I know you must have questions about why she was at my place this morning and what it means.”

Zane and Cole exchanged a look before popping fries into their mouths.

I understood their hesitancy to talk to me about it after Mac’s response, but I wanted them to know how I felt. “This situation is complicated.” They groaned in unison, letting me know that hadn’t been the best opening. “What?”

“That’s what Mom said,” Zane muttered.

“Yeah,” Cole chimed in, looking me in the eye. “And we’ll tell you what we told her. We’re not little kids anymore. If you guys are gonna get a divorce, just get it over with instead of draggin’ your feet and pretending you’re trying to ‘work’ on your marriage.” He made air quotes around the word, his face twisted into a mask of disgust.

That word,
divorce
, hit me like a fastball between the eyes. No matter how disillusioned I’d felt over the past six months, I’d never let myself believe it would come to that. “I get that you’re angry. I am too. But I’m not angry at your mom. I’m angry at myself for letting things get so far off course.”

Obviously, there were things I couldn’t tell them, like the lack of intimacy in our marriage, but I didn’t want them to blame Mac for what happened. If anyone was to blame, it was me. I should have understood that she wanted what every woman wants—to feel that her husband loves her and finds her desirable.

“We weren’t talking, and we should have been. We tried to ignore our problems and hoped they’d go away. But we’re not doing that anymore. We are talking now, and we’re going to keep talking until we figure out how to work this out.”

“Dad, you may be setting yourself up to take a hard fall on this one.”

Even though Zane was only sixteen, he was mature and sensitive. He was the first one to call out a bully or stand up for the underdog, and I loved that about him. “I appreciate your concern, but—”

“Dad, don’t do this for us,” Zane said, cutting me off. “I know you think we’ll be all messed up if you and Mom don’t get back together, and we’re not gonna lie, it’d suck, but you guys deserve to be happy too.”

I was speechless. I didn’t know what I’d ever said or done to give them the impression Mac didn’t make me happy anymore. If they had that impression, it wasn’t difficult to understand why she did too.

“Guys, your mom does make me happy,” I said, struggling to level my voice. “I’ve never loved another woman and I’m tellin’ you, I never will.”

Cole sighed. “Yeah, but does she feel the same way about you? That’s what’s got us worried.”

I felt a sharp pain in my chest. My sons, of all people, were calling into question their mother’s feelings for me. Did they know something I didn’t? “Why do you say that?” I drained my beer, wishing I didn’t have to drive home so I could have ordered another. I didn’t make a practice of drinking in front of my sons, but the doubts racing through my head tonight were making me half-crazy.

“Ever since you left, she’s been a different person,” Cole said, unable to meet my eyes.

“Happier,” Zane muttered.

It felt like someone sucker-punched me. They thought she was happier without me than she’d been with me? What the hell?

“Sorry, Dad.” Zane’s shoulders slumped. “It’s just that she lost all that weight and started workin’ out with Mr. J.”

I wanted to ask about Mac’s relationship with her personal trainer, but I knew it would be inappropriate to pump my kids for information.

“Yeah, and now she’s gonna get her real estate license.” Cole’s lips twisted in an angry snarl. “She’s even been talking to Mr. Baxter at Baxter’s Real Estate, and you know that old perv would only hire her ’cause he wants to bang her.”

I wanted to tell him to watch his language, but I couldn’t form the words, not when my mind was spinning. Everything was changing. Mac was changing. She wanted a new life. She’d told me she wanted a job, but hearing that she’d already taken steps was a blow. It’s not that I would have begrudged her the opportunity to work if that’s what made her happy, but the boys were right. Baxter was a notorious womanizer, and I didn’t want my wife anywhere near him.

“She, uh, did mention something to me about a job,” I said, trying to maintain my composure. “But I got the feeling she hadn’t made up her mind.”

“Then why did Baxter take her out to dinner last week to talk about it? He wants her to start some training program he’s got set up. He says he’ll foot the bill for her license, but she has to sign a contract with him for a couple of years or something like that.”

I heard everything Cole said, but I was still trying to deny it. Those were the kinds of decisions we would have made together, had we been living under the same roof, but now I had no say, and it was killing me.

“I’ll have to talk to her about it,” I said, swallowing repeatedly to try to clear the lump in my throat. "Just ’cause she was talking to Baxter doesn’t mean she’s decided to take him up on his offer. Last night, I got the impression she was still considering her options. In fact, I offered her a job with me.”

“That’d be great,” Cole said. “But you know she’d never take you up on it. She’s on this independent kick, or some shit. We think it’s a mid-life crisis.”

I frowned, not even sure what to say to that. I didn’t know what Mac was going through, but it was obvious she felt her entire life needed an overhaul, and I couldn’t deny I was scared to death about what that meant for us.

***

“Hey, what’re you doing in here on a Sunday afternoon?” my brother Nex asked, walking into my office. “Aren’t you supposed to be hangin’ with my nephews?”

“They have exams coming up,” I said. “So I dropped them off to study with friends.” I checked my watch. “I have to pick them up in about an hour.”

“So that girl I set you up with has been asking about you every time I go into the bar.”

I should have known it was a bad idea when Nex told me she was a bartender at his favorite hangout. “Not interested.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Mac spent the night at my place Friday night.”

Nex slammed his palms down on the desk on either side of my laptop. “Shut the hell up!”

There was a fifteen-year age difference from youngest to oldest, but there was no disputing the fact we were brothers. From our builds to our hair and eye color, we looked eerily similar. But that’s where the similarities ended. While I’d settled down years ago, my brothers seemed content to remain bachelors forever. I knew it was their lives, their decisions, but they didn’t know what they were missing. There was no better feeling than knowing you were going home to your family every night.

“So you guys are getting back together?” Nex pressed. “Man, that’s awesome. Maybe now you won’t be such a dick at work.”

I glared at him, knowing it would do no good. The only guys who weren’t afraid to mess with me, probably because they were as tough as I was, were my brothers. “Just because I take things seriously doesn’t mean—”

“Tell me about Mac,” Nex said, closing my laptop as he sat on the edge of my desk.

If not for autosave, I might have killed him. “None of your business.”

“Come on, man. You gotta gimme somethin’,” he said, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “How’d you two hook up? Did you get her loaded or what?”

I clenched my fists, barely suppressing the urge to lunge across the desk and wrap my hands around his throat. I’d been on edge ever since Zane and Cole talked to me about Mac’s plans yesterday, and the last thing I needed was to listen to my brother’s asinine jokes.

“We didn’t sleep together,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek. “The guys forgot their house key and needed to get some homework. She came over to drop it off, I invited her in for a drink, and we started talking. It got late, so I invited her to stay. End of story.”

“I saw Mac at the gym last week, and you may not wanna hear this, but there were quite a few guys sniffin’ around her. Some quite a bit younger. Probably had the stamina to keep up with her, if you know what I mean.” He wiggled his dark eyebrows as his grin spread.

I hadn’t told Nex part of the reason Mac had kicked me out was because of our sex life, or lack thereof. If he’d known that, he’d never let me live it down. “You have the nerve to talk to me about some other guy doin’ my wife? You want me to knock all your teeth out, don’t you?”

He held his hand up, chuckling. “I’m just sayin’ if you’re not keepin’ her satisfied, I can guarantee someone else will be.”

I’d never come so close to killing my own brother. We’d beat the hell out of each other a few times over the years, mainly to get our aggression out, but that was different. He was twisting the knife a little too deep this time.

“Man, why didn’t you tell me she’s been workin’ out? She looked hotter than hell. If she wasn’t family, I would’ve—”

“Get. Out.”

Nex’s eyes widened as the smile slipped off his face. “You know I’m just messin’ with ya. Mac’s like a sister to me. I’d never really—”

“Shut. Up.” I wasn’t capable of more than single word sentences right now. It was taking all my effort just to breathe through the rage. Every time I turned around, someone was telling me about another facet of my wife’s life I knew nothing about. And I hated it.

“So, are you guys any closer to getting back together?” he asked, his voice suddenly somber. “I know how much you want that.”

“More than anything.” I rotated my neck, trying to release some of the tension. “God, I felt so good after our talk on Friday night, but now, I don’t know.”

“What happened?”

“Zane and Cole told me she’s thinking about getting her real estate license and going to work for Baxter.”

Nex rolled his eyes. “Mac’s a smart girl. She should know better than to consider going to work for that pig.” When I didn’t respond, he asked, “You don’t want her to work?”

“I offered her the office manager’s job here, but she wasn’t interested.”

“Uh, Ryker, I know you don’t want to hear this, but from what you’ve told me, the reason Mac asked you to move out is because she’s trying to develop her own identity. How would coming to work for you help her do that?”

I knew he had a point, but I didn’t have to like it. “Still, Baxter?”

“Yeah, he’s a sleazy dirtbag, no doubt about it.”

He’d been involved in a few of our real estate transactions over the years, and barely legal were the words I’d use to describe his practices. “But I feel like my hands are tied. If I start questioning Mac about her decisions, she’s going to think I’m trying to control her.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” I slammed my hand down on the desk as I leaned forward. “I’m her goddamn husband. Is it so wrong of me to want to weigh in on the decisions she makes?”

“That depends.”

“On?”

“Where you left things. You think there’s a good chance you guys can work things out?”

“I thought so, but…” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “Zane and Cole said something that kind of got to me last night.”

“What’d they say?”

“That Mac’s seemed happier since I left.”

“Ouch,” he said, grabbing his chest. “That’s gotta hurt.”

“You have no idea.” I laid awake last night considering whether I was being selfish, trying to hold on to her if she was happier without me, but every time I thought about giving up on her, I felt nauseated.

“Have you asked her why she’s been happier without you?”

“No.” I blinked, trying to erase the sheen from my eyes.

“Why not?”

“I guess I’m afraid of the answer.”

“You afraid?” Nex said, leaning over to grip my shoulder. “Come on, I’ve never known you to be afraid of anything.”

“I’m afraid of losing my wife, man.”

“Then figure out how to fix things.”

I glared at him. “Don’t you think I would have done that by now if I knew how?”

“Talk to her,” Nex said, as though the answer should be obvious. “Find out what’s making her happy. Just because she’s happier since you left doesn’t mean she’s happier
because
you left.”

“Stop talking in riddles. You’re giving me a goddamn headache.” I started riffling through my desk drawers looking for aspirin. “If you think you have all the answers, let’s hear it.” I thought it was ironic that my kid brother, who hadn’t had a real relationship in his entire adult life, was doling out advice. Sadder still that I was willing to listen to him.

“You said yourself she’s made a lot of changes, right? She’s thinking about getting a job, she’s started focusing on herself more, started working out and dropped some weight.”