New Beginnings (29 page)

Leaning against the closed door of her small dressing room, she let her eyes drift closed as she took deep, cleansing breaths. At moments like this, she would’ve turned to the pills that always allowed her to escape when the pain was too intense: her mother’s drinking, the sexual abuse, feeling so scared and alone…

Cassidy turned the lock and sank down on the old leather chair as her legs threatened to give way. She’d come too far to risk another setback now. She told herself Drake’s opinion of her didn’t matter, but she knew she was lying to herself. Every day for the past year she’d refused to give up on her dream of becoming a singer because she was determined to prove to him that she could make it without him.

Her hands trembled as she picked up the phone and dialed her friend. For the past several months, Cassidy had been the one lending support to recovering addicts at the center. It had been a long time since she’d had to ask Phil to guide her through the dark valley of temptation.

Breathing a sigh of relief when he picked up the phone, she said, “Hey, Phil, it’s me. You got a minute?”

“Cassidy? Honey, you don’t sound so good. What is it? What’s wrong?”

Like the older brother she’d never had to protect her from the darkness, Phil was always there with a shoulder to lean on, a bed to sleep in, or a few dollars to buy a hot meal after a gig. She didn’t know how she would’ve gotten through this past year without him.

“I just saw Drake at Jimmy’s.” She pulled her legs up, resting her chin on her knees. “I tried to stand up to him…” She squeezed her eyes shut as she re-played the ugly scene in her mind. “But I just made a fool of myself.”

“What happened? What did he say?”

That’s why she loved Phil so much. He was fiercely protective of the people he loved and wouldn’t allow anyone to get close enough to hurt them. He was like a protective uncle to those living at the center, helping them to move through their drug addiction the same way she had, one day at a time. “He said I looked terrible…” She sniffled, reaching for tissue. Damn him for making her feel like less than nothing when she’d just started believing she might be worth something again.

“He’s an idiot. Who the hell cares what he thinks?”

The Drake she remembered, the man who’d loved her with his whole heart would never have hurt her that way. He’d made her believe that she was special, beautiful, and capable of accomplishing any goal she set. No matter how high the bar, he always encouraged her to raise it because he believed she could do anything.

“I care.” She caught a tear trickling down her face with the edge of her tissue. “I know it sounds stupid, but I had this fantasy of what would happen when I finally saw him again.”

“Tell me about it.”

Phil always encouraged the residents of the shelter to talk about their feelings. He said burying them is what prompted them to turn to drugs in the first place.

“I imagined I might run in to him at some awards show.” She felt a little silly sharing the fantasy with him, especially since it couldn’t be any further from her current reality, but her days of blocking her feelings with drugs were over. “I’d be performing or maybe I’d be a presenter.” She smiled as she imagined the glittery dress, designer shoes and expensive jewelry adorning her tanned and toned body. “I’d be nominated for an award… naturally.”

She heard the smile in Phil’s voice when he said, “Naturally. Go on.”

“My hair and make-up would be professionally done. I’d look fabulous, maybe on the arm of some A-list actor or platinum-selling artist…” It was hard not to get caught up in the daydream. The vision seemed almost real to her, she’d thought about it so many times. Visualization and affirmation had become a big part of her daily routine. They helped her stay positive in spite of the fact she had no money, no home to call her own, no family, and only a few close friends to support her through the daily trials of being a recovering drug addict and wannabe musician in a city where it seemed everyone shared the same dream.

“You’ve got my attention.”

She knew Phil wouldn’t think it was silly. He was the one who’d introduced her to visualizations and affirmations, claiming her mind had the power to help her overcome her addiction. The last time she’d given up drugs it had been for Drake because she wanted a future with him. One night with her sister had set her back, almost stealing her will to go on without Drake there to give her a reason to fight the exhausting battle again, but with Phil’s help, she’d come to realize she was fighting this battle for herself because she was worth it.
To hell with what Drake Elliott thinks of me.

“You still there?” Phil asked.

When she realized she’d allowed her mind to wander to a place she tried to avoid going, she said. “Yeah, I’m still here.” Determined to refocus on her vision, she said, “Where was I? That’s right, at the awards ceremony. In my vision, he takes one look at me and realizes I’ve made it without him.”

“And how does that make you feel?” he asked quietly.

“It makes me feel good, proud, strong.”

“In your vision…” He paused. “Does Drake want you back?”

She knew she should say no, but lying to herself or Phil wasn’t an option anymore. Her life was all about facing the harsh realities now. “Yes.”

“You know you can’t heal your life for him, Cassidy. This journey is about you.”

“I know.” She scraped her nails over her scalp. “But letting go of him has been even harder than letting go of the drugs. It’s like he’s a part of me.”

“I can understand that. I feel the same way about my wife, but the difference is that she’s always been there to love and support me during the ups and downs. When she should have thrown me out on the street, she didn’t. She put up with me through the withdrawals, cried with me and held me through the nights I wanted to shoot up even more than I wanted her by my side.”

Cassidy had never had that with Drake. He sent her away to a posh rehab clinic thousands of miles away, and when she returned, she wanted him to believe that she was “cured.” Little did either of them know that she was always just one high away from the house of cards tumbling down around her.

“You have to remember that you’re rebuilding your life for you, Cassidy. Not for Drake. You made a mistake, you had a setback, and he couldn’t get past that.”

“Would you have been able to get past it?” she asked. “If you walked in and found your wife in bed with your brother, could you forgive her?” It seemed like an unforgiveable sin to Cassidy, even though there were extenuating circumstances Drake would never know about.

“I don’t know.” He sighed. “It’s not for me to say whether Drake should or shouldn’t have forgiven you. And it’s not for you to say. He’s the only one who could have made that decision and he did.”

“I know.”

“Do you need me to come?”

She knew he was asking whether she felt tempted to stray into the darkness of her addiction again. “No, I’ll be fine.” She took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening, Phil.”

“I’ll always be here for you. You know that.”

“Man, if I’d known it was gonna be that intense, I never would’ve asked you to stop by for a drink tonight,” J.T. said, leaning over the bar.

“So you did ask me to come by ’cause you knew she was gonna be here. I thought you were my friend? You must have known she’s just about the last person I’d want to see.”

“Yeah,” J.T. said, leaning back. “But I also knew she was probably the one person you needed to see the most. You two need to put what happened between you to rest so you can both move on with your lives. Livin’ with all this anger isn’t healthy, man.”

“I moved on a long time ago,” Drake said, popping a pretzel in his mouth.

“I’ve known you a long time,” J.T. said, bracing his hands on the bar. “And I’ve never seen you more miserable than you’ve been this past year.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Drake thought he’d been hiding it well.
Apparently not.
“I haven’t been wanting for female companionship, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

People were starting to file in to the bar and a man claimed a stool several seats away from Drake. He gave the bartender his order before shooting a side-long glance at Drake.

J.T. shook his head. “That’s not what I’m talkin’ about and you know it. Man, I used to be that guy. Hookin’ up with a different buckle bunny every night, dousing the loneliness in liquor, then I met Nik and everything changed for me. I didn’t wanna be that guy anymore. I wanted to be a better man ’cause she made me believe I could be.”

“I like myself just fine, J.T.”

“Really? You like the guy who said all those ugly things to a lady he once loved? Hell, I’ve known you a lot of years and I haven’t even heard you say shit like that to your worst enemy.” He leaned closer, looking Drake in the eye. “That’s the woman you used to make love to every night.”

That reminder felt like someone twisted the knife blade sticking out of his back. As if his mind would ever let him forget the intimacy they’d one shared. “That was before I knew what she was capable of.”

“She made a mistake.” He smirked. “Granted, as far as mistakes go, that one pretty much tops the list, but we both know she’s a good girl.”

Drake rolled his eyes. “She’s a junkie.” The word tasted foul, mainly because he’d never thought of her that way. He knew she’d had a terrible childhood and she was coping the only way she knew how.

“She’s a recovering addict, same as she was when you asked her to be your wife, the mother of your children.”

“Maybe I was naïve, but I thought she was capable of changing, getting her life together. That night I found her with my brother, I realized she’s never gonna change. Once an addict, always an addict.”

J.T. threw his hands up in the air. “I can see I’m not gonna get through to you tonight. You want me to call you a cab?”

“Nah, I’ll just call my driver. Thanks for the offer though.”

J.T. offered his hand. “I hope you don’t think I over-stepped, tryin’ to bring you two together tonight. I was just hopin’ you’d be able to talk. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

Drake accepted his friend’s hand. “No hard feelings. I know you were just trying to help.”

“The drinks are on the house tonight,” J.T. said, smiling.

“In that case…” Drake pointed to a bottle of eighteen-year-old scotch behind the bar. “Might as well haul out the good stuff.”

J.T. chuckled. “Whatever you want, Roy can get it for you. I’m goin’ home to my beautiful wife.”

Drake tried to ignore the pang of envy. “Give Nik a kiss for me.”

“Will do. I’ll see ya around,” J.T. said, coming around the bar and slapping Drake on the back as he walked toward the door.

The man who’d been sitting a few feet away from Drake moved closer. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with your friend.”

Drake brought his glass to his lips. “Then you weren’t trying hard enough.” The last thing he wanted was make small talk with some nosy stranger. He knew he should leave before Cassidy and her band took the stage, but there was a part of him that wanted to know if she still had it.

The well-dressed, middle-aged man extended his hand. “Name’s Phil.”

Drake glanced at the man’s outstretched hand a minute before he accepted it. “Drake.”

“That’s what I thought,” he said, smiling. “You’re Cassidy’s ex.”

Drake looked the stranger up and down, trying to ascertain whether he could be the man Cassidy referred to earlier. He looked too straight-laced to get involved with someone as colorful as Cassidy. “Who the hell are you?” He couldn’t keep the bite from his voice as he realized he was jealous. He didn’t want her anymore, but that didn’t mean he wanted anyone else to have her either.

“Let’s just say I’m a
friend
of hers.”

The way he said it made Drake want to knock him off that stool, but he held his temper, hoping to get more information about the nature of their relationship. He knew he shouldn’t care what she did or who she did it with, but logic often wasn’t a factor when his battered ego was calling the shots.

“Define
friend
.”

The man laughed, shaking his head. “I keep a roof over her head when I can and she helps me with… things.”

Curling his hand around his glass, Drake muttered, “I’ll just bet she does.”

He hated to think she’d stooped that low, trading the body he’d once worshipped for a roof over her head, but his conscience reminded him he’d given her little choice when he blacklisted her. Aside from J.T., everyone else who called themselves his friend or even an acquaintance hadn’t even batted an eye when he told them Cassidy was never gonna make it in this business.

His word was usually the last word in Nashville music circles and he’d earned that respect the hard way. No way would anyone take the side of a wannabe country singer who hadn’t even cut a record over a producer who’d been the talent behind two hundred and thirty million in record sales in his illustrious career.

“Things ended badly for you two, didn’t they?” Phil asked, bringing his soft drink to his lips. “You still seem angry… bitter. I don’t have to tell you it’s not healthy to live with so much resentment.”

He could scarcely believe her new lover had the audacity to lecture him about bygones. He would never, ever forget what Cassidy had done to him.

Relationships had never been easy for Drake. Being wealthy and powerful meant he always had to be on guard against women who just wanted to benefit from his hard work and reputation. He thought Cassidy was different. From the first time he met her, he’d sensed there was something about her…

As she claimed the stage, his mind drifted back to the first night he’d seen her, standing right there, in the center of the same stage. She was singing about heartache, and he felt every word as though she was singing directly to him. He assumed she was. At first, he thought someone must’ve told her he was in the audience, watching her show, that this could be her big break to play with the heavy hitters if Drake saw something special in her. But when he approached her later and asked if he could buy her a drink, she seemed surprised, as though she had no idea he was there… watching her.