“Let me see him,” Gabby said to the deathly quiet room. “My baby…”
Dinah eased Gabby back into a flat position on the bed, propped a pillow under her head then ran to the end of the bed to see what she could do for Dr. Ranard. Or for the limp little newborn in his hands.
“He isn’t crying,” Gabby gasped, fighting to sit back up. Thrashing wildly, she was trying to toss off the sheets covering her. “Neil, he isn’t crying! What’s wrong?”
“Take care of Gabrielle,” Neil whispered to Dinah. “Don’t let her see…”
Even before he’d finished speaking, Dinah positioned herself between Neil and the bed, so Gabby couldn’t see Neil’s resuscitation attempts and the next minutes went by in a blur as she tried to calm the grief-stricken mother and help the doctor with the baby.
“Did he aspirate?” Dinah whispered to Neil, although
she didn’t believe so. As a pediatric trauma nurse, her first guess was something cardiac, or related to the lungs, judging from the baby’s listlessness and bluish pallor.
Not again! Dear God, not again!
How could she face another newborn dying?
Bryce had a chance to survive, Molly never had. She had to stay focused on that!
This
was the baby who needed her now. This was Bryce Evans, not Molly Collins.
“Is he alive?” Gabby screamed. “Neil, you’ve got to tell me, is he alive? I’ve got to get to my baby.” She launched herself up, but Dinah stopped her, applying a firm hand into her shoulder.
More minutes ticked by, and Bryce still struggled. Outside, the floods were getting worse. The hospital had promised to send a medic with supplies, but each second seemed like an hour—a frantic, futile hour in which they were losing a battle. All the while, Dinah was forced to physically restrain Gabby from flying across the room to Neil. Neil didn’t need that. Neither did the baby, who was not improving. She hated doing that. Hated it more than anyone could imagine, because she knew how it felt. Knew how Gabby felt, needing desperately to get there and being pulled away against her will.
Then suddenly Bryce quit breathing and Dinah was thrown back to that day when baby Molly had died in her arms. Regret, instant and brutal, assaulted her, causing a feeling of panic to rise up and strangle the breath from her. For a moment she was back there in that hospital room, struggling and crying like Gabby was, begging them not to take Molly away from her.
“Is that CPR?” Gabby cried, snapping Dinah back into the moment. “Is Neil giving him CPR?”
More minutes blurred in the battle as Bryce began showing signs of reviving. Bryce had Neil to fight for
him, and Neil loved him. That was so obvious. There’d been no one to care for Molly. No one had loved her. Except her. And in the end, that hadn’t been enough.
Now the melancholia threatened to pull her under.
“You!”
The voice from the doorway startled Dinah from her thoughts of Molly, and she jumped. “You!” she snapped right back at him. Of all the people who could have come, it would be
him,
Mr Hit-and-Run himself. And he was standing there, holding out a pediatric oxygen mask.
Dinah yanked the mask from the man’s hands, and rushed to put it on Bryce. Then the medic opened the oxygen tank valve once the mask was in place.
“It was a slight tap,” he said. “No damage.”
“And you didn’t stop to see if you’d damaged my car, or injured me,” Dinah snarled under her breath to keep her problem with this man quiet, as she pulled a pediatric IV needle from the bag of supplies he’d brought and prepared to insert it into the baby’s thread-sized vein. It’s what she did, no one had to tell her. No one had to help her. It’s simply what she was trained to do, and did instinctively.
As she set about her work, she noticed that Bryce was already pinking up. Not enough to think he was out of danger, but enough to be encouraged.
“You take care of Gabby,” the medic whispered to Neil. “She needs you right now, and I’ll take care of the baby.”
Neil handed off the responsibility without hesitation, and the two men exchanged quiet words for a moment. “Thanks, Eric,” Neil finally said, then ran to Gabrielle.
“You’re a doctor?” Dinah asked.
“Eric Ramsey, pediatric surgeon, with a secondary in trauma.” He pulled a bag of fluid from his supplies and hooked it to the line once Dinah had inserted the IV
catheter. Then he adjusted the drip of fluid into the baby’s veins, and immediately listened to Bryce’s chest.
The next few minutes they worked side by side in total silence, both doing what they knew needed to be done to stabilize their tiny patient.
“He’s a fighter,” Eric finally pronounced, turning around to Gabby. “We’ve got him as stabilized as we can, so now I need to get him to the hospital. But I want you to hold him first.”
She took her baby, and the way she clung to him nearly broke Dinah’s heart. No one had loved little Molly like that…someone should have. She couldn’t bear watching, the memories were too painful and she had to turn away.
“I was in a hurry…emergency.” Eric stepped up behind her. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have driven off like that.”
“What?” Dinah asked.
“The accident. I had an emergency. I’m sorry, but—”
“But we all do what we have to do, don’t we?” she whispered. “It doesn’t matter what we do to the people around us, as long as it’s good for us. I get it. You don’t need to apologize.”
“Yes, I do.” Eric took a step back, shook his head. “Look, Neil thinks Bryce’s problem might be TGV.” Transposition of the great vessels, where the two main arteries leaving the heart were reversed. Normally, blood from the heart’s right ventricle was carried by the pulmonary artery to the lungs, and blood from the left ventricle was taken by the aorta to the body. In the case of TGV, it was just the opposite, leaving the oxygenated blood meant to circulate through the body being pumped back into the lungs. “And at this point, I have no reason to disagree because the symptoms fit. Things may turn out differently once we get the baby—”
“You think it’s TGV, too?” Dinah’s mind raced through
the procedures. There would be a first surgery, called a septostomy, to do an immediate, life-saving correction. In that, a hole was literally opened up to allow better flow of the blood. It was a temporary measure to be followed by another surgery to make the permanent repair. She’d treated babies who’d had the surgery, seen good outcomes, seen bad outcomes.
“You’ll drive.”
“Where?” she asked.
“To the hospital. You’ll drive, I’ll take care of the baby.”
The tension in the cab of the truck was so thick Dinah could have sliced through it with a scalpel. They’d been en route five minutes now, taking a back road that skirted the valley. It was muddy and slick, but it wasn’t washed out. And it was on higher ground, which was what made it a safer bet than taking the road down below the house, where the water was at least as high as the bottom of the truck door. Flash-flood warnings were out now, and all the lower roads were being closed. So she and Eric were driving along what amounted to little more than a fire trail, and Dinah was so nervous that her grip on the steering-wheel hurt. All the while, neither she nor Eric had spoken a word to each other since his initial instruction to her on getting to the hospital.
Yet in his defense, Eric was busy tending to Bryce, holding him in his lap and continually checking his pulse, his respiratory status, being so tender, so caring with him while she was fighting to stay straight and to avoid the bumps and ruts, most of which she couldn’t even see.
It crossed her mind that he was the doctor Molly should have had. He would have cared more than Charles had, even when hope had died. Charles, the man she’d almost
married. How could she have been so wrong about him? Even thinking about it made her cringe.
Once or twice, Bryce let out a little cry then settled down again. And once or twice her heart lurched. Under the best of circumstances, this was a difficult situation. These
weren’t
the best of circumstances, and she fretted about the outcome every inch of the way to the hospital.
“Are you competent?” she finally asked, not at all sorry to be so blunt. Truth was, she wanted to hear his voice, feel some reassurance that he could handle this situation and make everything right for the baby.
“Competent at what?”
“Your medical skills. Are you a good doctor?”
“I’ve been told that’s the case.” He twisted slightly in his seat to look at her. “But, then, everyone is entitled to his,
or her,
opinion, I suppose.”
“I suppose,” Dinah muttered. Something about this man put her in a very bad mood. Something about every man had put her in a bad mood lately, but this one in particular made her shiver. Shiver with anger was what it was, which she didn’t like one little bit. Didn’t like any reaction in her caused by any man. And didn’t trust herself enough to know the distinctions.
“Are
you
competent?” he asked in return, the slightest trace of a smile crinkling his lips.
She was going to ignore that smile. Totally ignore it and pretend she hadn’t even seen it. “Competent at what?”
“Being a nurse.”
“I’m not a nurse.” Keeping her voice noncommittal wasn’t easy, but she did it, and did it so well she nearly believed her own words. Still, those words hurt, and the wound still bled. “I’m a cook. Here to take over for my sister when she’s on maternity leave.”
“A cook with good skills in labor and delivery, as well
as CPR. And you did a mighty fine job of getting that IV needle into a newborn, which is not easy, especially when the newborn is so sick. So, did they teach you those things in culinary school?”
He was smiling fully now. The man actually had the audacity to sit there and smile at her. But she was still going to ignore it. Had to be impervious…Couldn’t get distracted. “Did they teach you your bad manners in medical school?”
“If I apologized for the accident again, would that make things better between us?”
“Why do things have to be better between us?” she asked, then hastily added, “But you do owe me a sincere apology and not one that’s meant only to get you away from me as quickly as possible.”
“Look, I told you I was in a hurry. I’m sorry I hit you, sorry I ran off and left you there, but in case you haven’t noticed, the town is going crazy. We’re flooding, the areas below us are submerging, the hospital is full of people with nowhere to go, some of them have injuries. I had to get to the emergency department, and stopping for something that amounted to nothing was a waste of my time.”
“And I thought White Elk was going to be civil,” she snapped. Gripping the steering-wheel more from anger than nervousness, she kept her eyes fixed straight ahead. “But I was wrong.”
“No, you weren’t wrong. Had it been any other time, under any other circumstances, I would have stopped and given you that sincere apology. But you were…not a priority. Getting to the hospital was.”
OK, she understood that. And maybe he was right. No, he
was
right. And she was overreacting. Which she’d been accused of doing a lot of lately. “It’s been a bad day,” she conceded. A bad day, a worse week and an even worse
month. And everything was still spiraling downward. “I should be the one apologizing to you.”
“No apologies necessary. And you’re right, it’s been a bad day for everyone.” He glanced down at his tiny patient. “But mostly for him.”
Suddenly, all the anger and frustration drained right out of her. Sick children had a way of putting everything else into proper perspective, had a way of bringing everything else around them to a grinding halt. “How’s he doing?”
“Struggling. But fighting. He’s one tough little boy. So, are you a friend of Gabby’s?”
“No, I only met her today, right before I helped deliver Bryce. But I’m Angela Blanchard’s sister. And I’m really here to take over for her in the kitchen.”
“Funny. I would have sworn you were a nurse. A damn good one, if I had to make a bet on it.”
“I was a pediatric nurse and, yes, I like to think I was a damn good one, but that’s in the past,” she said. “I burned out.” That wasn’t the truth, but it was an easy explanation and people didn’t question it.
“Sorry to hear that. Especially since you seem so…passionate about it. That’s medicine’s loss.”
He sounded genuinely sorry, which surprised her. When she’d tendered her resignation, no one had even tried talking her out of her decision to quit. Then, when she’d closed all those doors on her life and walked away, no one had been sorry to see her go. No one had even blinked. But by then she’d become an awkward moment for the man who was supposed to love her. He was an upwardly mobile doctor, she was a downwardly spiraling nurse he found quite easy to leave.
You’re too emotional, Dinah. You overreacted. Got yourself too involved in something you had no business getting involved in. Maybe you should have stayed in cooking school.
But she believed Eric Ramsey sounded sorry she’d left nursing.
Except she didn’t trust herself to believe anything. Not anymore.
“Y
OU
didn’t, by any chance, ever assist in a septostomy did you?” Eric asked, handing the baby over to the two nurses who’d run to greet them when they’d pulled up to White Elk Hospital’s front door.
“I’ve seen them done. And taken care of the patient afterwards. Why?”
“We’re short-staffed right now, and I could use you in the operating room if you’ve got the experience.”
“I do have the experience,” she said hesitantly. Her preference would have been helping the volunteer crews who were busy sandbagging the hospital, trying to keep the flood waters back from it. That was something she could do, something that wouldn’t remind her of how much she ached for a career that hurt her so deeply.
“Then I need your experience. Normally, I’d have another doctor in there, but he’s driving Gabby and your sister to the hospital right now, and everybody else is tied up. I can grab our nurse practitioner, Fallon, and she’s competent in surgery, but her skills are more needed in co-ordinating everything else that’s going on. So if you know your way around the operating room…”
He actually wanted her in surgery? She was flattered, but she’d walked away from being a nurse. Not because
she didn’t care, but because she cared too much. By rights, she should have turned him down and under most other circumstances she would have. But there was a baby who needed her…
another baby…
“Please
assist me. I have a very sick little boy who needs surgery, but if all my qualified staff are busy elsewhere, his surgery may have to be put off until we have the right combination of people free. You know what that could mean.”
Yes, she did know. When he put it that way, what was she supposed to do? How could she walk away from Bryce the way everybody had walked away from little Molly? “OK, I was more than a staff nurse. I was the head pediatric trauma nurse in my hospital. Just in case you want to know, or check my qualifications.”
“You wear your qualifications for everybody to see,” he said. “And I’m a pretty good judge of that.”
Better judge than she was. Once upon a time she wouldn’t have hesitated. Now she wasn’t sure. “Where do I scrub in?” she asked on a disheartened sigh.
Eric pointed her in the direction of the surgery. “What’s your name, by the way?”
“None of your business,” she snapped. If he knew her name, it got personal, and she wasn’t doing personal again. Personal hurt. It devastated. And she was tired of the pain.
Eric laughed. “When you scrub, I’d suggest you use cold water. Might cool you down a little.”
Well, he generally didn’t like his women so feisty. Lord knew, nothing about Patricia had been feisty. She’d been the model of cool, calm composure in everything. Always smiling, always happy, Patricia had been perfect. Maybe too perfect for the likes of him. But this woman…she was
spunky, boisterous, argumentative, and in just an hour or so of knowing her, she’d raised her voice to him more than his wife had in all the years they’d been together.
Yet there was something about her that wouldn’t let him look away. Drawn like a moth to the flame…that’s the thought that kept running through his head. But didn’t the moth usually get burned to a crisp?
This woman was all fire. Get too close and you were sure to get burned. But she was on his mind anyway, and it had nothing to do with his expectations of a pediatric trauma nurse, and everything to do with feelings he’d vowed he’d never let happen. He’d had a perfect marriage once. Anything else would fall short.
Besides, he had two little daughters to consider. In his life, they mattered more than anything else and the thought of putting them through a life-changing adjustment scared him. They were good the way they were…all three of them. Very good.
His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Neil Ranard, desperate for news about Gabby’s son.
“You look bothered,” Neil Ranard said, as Eric scrubbed. “Is it about Bryce?”
Eric shook his head, but didn’t answer right away, because what bothered him was the disloyalty he was suddenly feeling, thinking about the beautiful nurse the way he was. He had no business looking at another woman, and the wedding band on his left ring finger was a shining testament to that. “No, he’s stable right now. Doing pretty well last time I checked. The good news is that once we’ve done this first procedure he should be stable enough to be transferred to get the help we simply can’t provide here.”
“Gabby and I have every faith in your abilities, Eric. Neither of us would want anyone else helping Bryce right now.”
“I’ll do my very best not to let you down.”
“I know you will. So if you’re not too worried about Bryce right now, what is bugging you? Hold on, this wouldn’t be about working with Dinah Corday, would it?”
This time he didn’t bother shaking his head, as the guilt was beginning to consume him. Because, yes, it was about Dinah – so that was her name! She intrigued him. And she was sexy as hell. Something he had no right noticing.
“Well, she’s a looker,” Neil conceded. “And even though we’ve only worked together once, she’s one of the best nurses I’ve ever dealt with. So, which of those two qualities is distracting you? Because it’s got to be one of them, since you don’t know anything else about her.”
“I’m not distracted,” Eric snapped. “I’m concentrating, and you’re breaking my concentration.”
Neil laughed. “I think your concentration was broken before I came in here, and it’s got nothing to do with anything medical.”
“It’s not what you think,” Eric denied. “I don’t have time, and you know that. Between my job, and my rescue duties, and especially with the twins…” He shook his head as he backed away from the sink, arms up, water dripping down to his elbows. “I don’t have time, no matter how much she…or any other woman…breaks my concentration. So I’m not going to let it happen, simple as that.”
“Look, Eric. I know you were totally devoted to Patricia, but she’s been gone for five years, and I don’t think she would have wanted you putting yourself through this. She would have wanted you to be happy again. To find a new life for yourself…something in addition to your work. And that would include finding someone else to share that life. But you haven’t even taken a woman out for a simple dinner, have you?”
“Once or twice.” Truth was, after Patricia had died, he’d lost interest. Hadn’t found it again, either, because in his heart he was still a married man.
“Look, I know it’s not easy. Believe me, if anyone knows how hard it is to pick up the pieces and move on, it’s me. After my marriage broke up…” He paused, shrugged, then smiled. “But I’m working it out with Gabrielle now, and I think we’re going to get married. Which shows how easily the past becomes just that—the past—when the right future opens up to you. So keep yourself open to the possibilities, because you deserve to find some happiness. If not with Dinah Corday, then with someone else.”
“What if I don’t want to open myself up to them? I mean, what if I like keeping myself shut off?” Eric spun away from Neil and pushed through the surgical door, stepping directly into the gown the surgical tech was holding up for him. He was back in the moment now, back in the zone. That’s what always happened the instant he stepped into surgery and right now, even though the most gorgeous pair of brown eyes he’d ever seen in his life were staring over a surgical mask at him, he was focused on starting the procedure to save Bryce Evans’s life.
But as he stepped up to the table, for one fleeting moment the only thing he saw in front of him were those eyes. Beautiful eyes. Distracting. Then he blocked them out, and cleared his throat. “Let’s go over the surgical check list before we start.”
Well, if this hadn’t been quite the day! She’d helped deliver one baby, helped resuscitate that baby, and had then assisted in his surgery. All that, plus dodging a flood. By all rights, she should have been tired, exhausted, ready to find a quiet corner somewhere, put her
feet up and take a nap. That’s probably what she’d do in a little while, when she finally wound down. But right now she felt alive. Invigorated. It had been three long, difficult weeks since Molly’s death. Three weeks to doubt herself, three weeks being berated for caring by the man who had claimed to love her. Three weeks of agony and self-doubt.
Yet in the span of only a few hours now, it was like she’d been sustained again. Sustained, validated. Made to feel normal. Of course, it would all be over with once she stepped outside the confines of this hospital. So she wanted to bask a while longer in a place where she felt like she belonged, to linger in the good feelings. Besides, she felt safe here. She’d never, ever in her life set foot into such a tiny, crazy hospital as this one, where trauma doctors had second careers as surgeons and third careers as heads of search and rescue, and where doctors still made house calls and invited total strangers into the surgery. As mixed up as it all seemed, she liked it so much she could almost picture herself belonging here, and that was a nice feeling she wanted to last for a while longer because, to be honest, she doubted she’d ever get it back.
Creeping into the intensive care nursery, where the lights were dimmed for the sleeping hours, and the green, glowing trace of baby Bryce’s heartbeat on the cardiac monitor next to his bed illuminated the area like an eerie beacon, Dinah stopped halfway to the crib to admire the miracle baby lying there, breathing easily and sleeping peacefully. All was right in his world and he had no idea how people had scrambled to save his life today, how they’d put their own lives at risk to save him. Neither had he any idea how many people had already crept in to see how he was doing, or hovered outside the door, worrying about him. He had no idea that things weren’t perfect, and
that’s the way it should always be in a child’s world. Molly should have had a chance at that, if even for a moment.
Dinah loved children, loved taking care of them, loved the innocence of the smiles and giggles. She’d fallen in love with Molly. Abandoned at birth because of overwhelming disabilities, her birth mother had simply walked away. Never looked back. And had left a precious child to die alone in an impersonal hospital nursery where the duty nurses took good care, but didn’t truly care. No child should ever be alone that way, and she’d made sure Molly had never been alone.
It had reawakened something in her. A longing. And watching Bryce now reminded her of the all things he would have ahead of him, things Molly wouldn’t have. She wouldn’t have gone home from the hospital, wouldn’t have slept in a crib, wouldn’t have had toys to play with. All those weeks sitting with Molly in the hospital, holding her, singing to her, she’d wanted to pretend things could be normal for the child, but she’d known…as a nurse, she’d known. All those weeks with Charles calling her crazy for getting involved. Hopeless was what he’d called Molly. But Dinah had never seen hopeless. All she’d seen had been a sick child who’d had no one but her.
How could she have been so wrong about Charles? He was a pediatrician. He was supposed to love children, no matter what their condition. Through Molly, what she’d come to know had been a man who could barely tolerate them.
How could she have been so blind?
Now, watching Bryce, and feeling so connected to him, the longing to be part of something so good was stirring again. It would be nice to sit and cradle him in her arms the way she had Molly, to whisper motherly things in his tiny ear. It was a feeling that scared her, though, because
she knew the pain of loss when it ended. It was unbearable. So deep and profound nothing could touch it or make it better.
Not ever.
With her marriage to Damien, shortly after she’d graduated from nursing school, she’d wanted all the right things—the nice little house with a white picket fence. Wanted to bake pies for her husband and cool them on the windowsill in the afternoon so their sweet aromas would waft down to him as he came home from work. Wanted children playing in the yard. Wanted to snuggle with him in the evening after the children were in bed, and talk about the things that were interesting to no one but themselves—how their days had been, who they’d met on the street, what they were going to do tomorrow, and next week and next year. But that was a dream life that hadn’t come true as Damien had been bored with their daydreams by the end of their first year together and already working on a way to find his life with someone else. And here she was now, at thirty-four, fresh from the last daydream fiasco with Charles, older but, apparently, not much wiser.
Well, experience was the best teacher. Maybe she had a tendency to let her heart rule her head, but this time her head was fastened on better. Avoid relationships and the problems didn’t happen.
“He looks so peaceful, you wouldn’t know what he’s just gone through, would you?” Eric asked.
“Eric!” she gasped, startled that he’d been able to sneak up on her like that. She’d been too lost in the daydream she didn’t want to have, too caught up in something she couldn’t allow herself, and this lapse in judgment had everything to do with him. Not that he would be interested in her that way. Yet he was practically hanging over her shoulder now. Standing much too close. So close, in fact,
that the scent of soap on his skin threatened to tip her right back into her daydream.
As a preventative to the thoughts trying to creep in, Dinah moved round to the other side of the baby’s crib, laid her hands on the raised rails and relaxed a little. She was safe here, keeping so many physical obstacles between her and Eric, even if Eric didn’t know what she was doing, or how she was feeling, being so close to him. “Babies are resilient. Much more than we are, I think.”
“Is that why you chose pediatrics?” he asked.
“Actually, my most recent choice was a kitchen in a ski lodge.” It was a blatant dodge, but she didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to look up at him for fear he could find the answers he was seeking in her eyes. And they were there, she was sure of it.
“Before that.”
“In my life,
before that
doesn’t matter,” she said, her voice now a whisper. “I’ve had a few of those and now I am what I am in the moment. Don’t expect anything else.” He was going to respond to that. In fact, she was so sure of it she practically held her breath waiting for it, but when he didn’t, Dinah finally did look up. “No response?” she asked. “No pithy little comeback?”