No More Mr. Nice Guy! (6 page)

In general, the Nice Guys I have worked with do not report having had a close, bonded
relationship with their fathers in childhood.
Sometimes this was a result of their fathers working long hours, being withdrawn, or being passive. More often than not, Nice Guys describe their fathers in negative terms. They often see them as controlling, rageful, angry, absent, abusive, unavailable, addictive, or philandering.
It is not unusual at some point in childhood for Nice Guys to have made
a conscious decision to be different from their fathers.

The unavailability of dads during this era often required mothers to take over the job of the fathers.

Women inherited the defacto job of turning boys into men. Unfortunately even the most well-meaning mothers are not equipped to teach their sons how to be men by themselves. This hasn't kept them from trying.

I believe the significant number of Nice Guys produced in the '40s, '50s, and '60s is the direct
result of mothers, not fathers, teaching their sons how to be male.
Consequently, many Nice Guys
have adopted a female perspective of masculinity and are comfortable having their manhood
defined by women.

The Female Dominated Educational System

The modern educational system has also contributed to the dynamic of boys being raised by women.

Since World War II, boys have entered schools dominated by females. For most boys, the first several years in school become basic training in how to please women. From kindergarten through sixth grade, I had only one male teacher and six females. This is pretty consistent with national norms.

Men account for just one in four teachers nationwide. In the primary grades, they make up only 15% of the teaching staff, and that number is steadily dropping. From daycare to preschool to elementary school, little boys in the post-war era have been surrounded by women. There have been few adult males to help them through this experience. If a little boy was already disconnected from his father and trained to please a woman, the typical school system magnified this conditioning.

The Vietnam War

In the '60s, the Vietnam War crystallized the feeling of alienation between many baby boom boys and their fathers. Battle lines were drawn between young men protesting a war started and perpetuated by their fathers. A generation of World War II veterans could not understand the flaunting of responsibility and the social rebellion of their sons. The young men of this generation became the antithesis of their fathers and of an establishment that solved domestic and international problems with guns and bombs.

The anti-war movement created a new breed of males focused on love, peace, and avoiding conflict.

Women's Liberation

During this same period of time, many women were beginning to work outside of the home, birth control provided new freedom, and women's liberation was in its infancy. Some mothers during the Baby Boom era could foresee a change in gender roles on the horizon. They worked to prepare their sons and daughters for what was to come. Many of these mothers raised their daughters to not need a man. At the same time, they trained their sons to be different from their fathers — peaceful, giving, nurturing, and attentive to a woman's needs.

Radical feminism in the '60s and '70s projected an angry generalization about men. Some feminists claimed that men were the cause all of the problems in the world. Others asserted that men were merely an unnecessary nuisance. More than likely, the majority of women during this era did not feel this way about men. Nevertheless, enough angry women were significantly vocal to contribute to a social climate that convinced many men that it was not OK to be just who they were.

Epitaphs like "men are pigs" and "all men are rapists" were prominent during this time. Less angry slogans of feminism asserted that "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Men who were already conditioned to look to women for definition and approval were especially susceptible to these kinds of messages. This added incentive for these men to try to figure out what women wanted and try to become that in order to be loved and get their needs met.

Soft Males And Boy-Men

Robert Bly, the author of
Iron John
, writes about how the social changes of the Baby Boom era created a new breed of American men. Bly calls these men "soft males."

He writes, "they're lovely, valuable people — I like them — they're not interested in harming the earth or starting wars. There's a gentle attitude toward life in their whole being and style of living. But many of these men are not happy. You quickly notice the lack of energy in them. They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving. Ironically, you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy. Here we have a finely-tuned young man, ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the universe, yet he himself has little vitality to offer."

From a different perspective, Camille Paglia comments on how the social changes of the last five decades have changed roles of men and women. "The hard-driving woman has to switch personae when she gets home. She's got to throttle back, or she'll castrate everything in the domestic niche. Many white, middle-class women have dodged this dilemma by finding themselves a nice, malleable boy-man who becomes another son in the subliminally matriarchal household." ("Politically Incorrect Desires," Salon: Issue 49)

Regardless of whether we call these men "soft males," "sensitive new age guys," or "Nice Guys," the unique combination of social events in the post-World War II era reinforced and magnified the messages that many little boys had already received from their families — that they weren't OK just as they were.

These social events further amplified the belief that if they wanted to be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life, they had to hide their flaws and become what others (especially women) wanted them to be.

My observation in recent years points to the reality that the conditioning described above did not end with the Baby-Boom generation. I am seeing more and more young men in their twenties, and even teens, who demonstrate all of the characteristics of the Nice Guy Syndrome. Not only have these young men been effected by all of the social dynamics listed above, even more grew up in single parent families or were raised by Nice Guy fathers. As I write this, I expect that we are just beginning on our third generation of Nice Guys.

The Habits Of Highly Ineffective Men

As a result of the family and social conditioning described above, Nice Guys struggle to get what they want in love and life. Due to their shame and ineffective survival mechanisms, the road map they follow just won't take them where they want to go. This is frustrating. But rather than trying something different, their life paradigm requires that they keep trying harder, doing more of the same.

I frequently tell Nice Guys,
"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what
you've always had."
To reiterate what I've illustrated before, Nice Guys prevent themselves from getting what they want in love and life by:

●
Seeking the approval of others.

●
Trying to hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.

●
Putting other people's needs and wants before their own.

●
Sacrificing their personal power and playing the role of a victim.

●
Disassociating themselves from other men and their own masculine energy.

●
Co-creating relationships that are less than satisfying.

●
Creating situations in which they do not have very much good sex.

●
Failing to live up their full potential.

The next seven chapters present a proven plan to show recovering Nice Guys the most effective ways to do something different. Read on. It is time for you to start getting what you want in love and life.

Chapter

Learn To Please

The Only Person

Who Really Matters

"I'm a chameleon," revealed Todd, a 30-year-old single Nice Guy. "I will become whatever I believe a person wants me to be in order to be liked. With my smart friends I act intelligent and use a big vocabulary. Around my mother, I look like the perfect loving son. With my dad, I talk sports. With the guys at work I cuss and swear . . . whatever it takes to look cool. Underneath it all, I'm not sure who I really am or if any of them would like me just for who I am. If I can't figure out what people want me to be, I'm afraid I will be all alone. The funny thing is, I feel alone most of the time anyway."

Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone's approval or to avoid disapproval. Nice Guys seek this external validation in just about every relationship and social situation, even from strangers and people they don't like. Todd is an example of a man, who, because of internalized toxic shame, believes he has to become what he thinks other people want him to be. Nice Guys believe this chameleon-like metamorphism is essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the opposite of what works.
By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including
themselves.

Seeking Approval

Because Nice Guys do not believe they are OK just as they are, they find a multitude of ways to convince themselves and others that they are lovable and desirable. They may focus on something about themselves (physical appearance, talent, intellect), something they do (act nice, dance well, work hard), or even something external to themselves (attractive wife, cute child, nice car) in order to get value and win other's approval.

My word for these value-seeking mechanisms is
attachments
.
Nice Guys attach their identity and worth to these things and use them to convince themselves and others that they are valuable. Without these attachments, Nice Guys don't know what else about themselves would make anyone like or love them.

Being a Nice Guy is the ultimate attachment for these men. They genuinely believe their commitment to being "good" and doing it "right" is what makes them valuable and compensates for their internalized belief that they are bad.

Because of their toxic shame, it is impossible for Nice Guys to grasp that people might like them and love them just for who they are. They believe they are bad (the "I'm So Good" Nice Guy is unconscious of this core belief, but it is a core belief nonetheless), therefore they assume that if anyone really got to know them, these people would discover the same thing. Being able to attach themselves to things that make them feel valuable and garner approval from others seems essential if they hope to be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.

Breaking Free Activity #4

I've taken surveys in several No More Mr. Nice Guy! groups asking the members about the
attachments they use to try to get external approval. The following are just a few of the responses.

Look over the list. Note any of the ways in which you seek approval. Add to the list any behaviors
that are uniquely you. Write down examples of each. Ask others for feedback about the ways in
which they see you seeking approval.

●
Having one's hair just right.

●
Being smart.

●
Having a pleasant, non-threatening voice.

●
Looking unselfish.

●
Being different from other men.

●
Staying sober.

●
Being in good shape.

●
Being a great dancer.

●
Being a good lover.

●
Never getting angry.

●
Making other people happy.

●
Being a good worker.

●
Having a clean car.

●
Dressing well.

●
Being nice.

●
Respecting women.

●
Never offending anyone.

●
Looking like a good father.

How Nice Guys Use Attachments

Cal is a typical Nice Guy in the way he uses attachments to seek approval. Cal tries to get external validation by always being in a good mood, driving a nice car, dressing well, having a cute daughter, and having an attractive wife. Let's pick one of these attachments to illustrate how Cal tries to get approval from others.

Cal likes to dress his fourteen-month-old daughter in a cute dress and take her to the park. From the moment he begins to dress her he is unconsciously attaching his value and identity to the acknowledgment he thinks he will receive from being a "good dad." He knows that when he takes his daughter walking people will look at her and smile. Some will comment about the cute little girl and her father out for a walk. A few will stop and ask her age and others will gush about what a precious little angel she is. This attention makes Cal feel good about himself.