No More Mr. Nice Guy! (5 page)

Jose considered his natural intelligence, work ethic, and ability to solve problems his "saving grace." It was these factors, he believed, that allowed him to escape his family dysfunction and make something of himself. Without them, he was convinced, he would have ended up just like his parents and the rest of siblings.

Child Development 101

Alan, Jason and Jose all had very different childhood experiences, yet all developed a similar script that guided their lives. Each, in various ways, internalized a belief that they were not OK just as they were and their survival depended on becoming something different. To help us connect the dots and see how three very different childhood experiences could create three men with very similar life paradigms, it might be helpful to do a quick review of the child development principles presented earlier in this chapter.

1) All children are born totally helpless.

2) A child's greatest fear is abandonment.

3) All children are ego-centered.

4) All children have numerous abandonment experiences — their needs are not met in a timely, judicious manner.

5) When a child has an abandonment experience, he always believes that he is the cause.

6) This naive misinterpretation creates toxic shame — a belief that he is "bad".

7) Children develop survival mechanisms to try to cope with their abandonment experiences, try to prevent the experiences from happening again, and try to hide their "badness" from themselves and others.

8) These childhood survival mechanisms reflect the child's inherent powerlessness and naive view of himself and the world.

From Perfect Little Boys To Nice Guys

The principles above can be applied to the childhood experiences of Alan, Jason, Jose, and every other Nice Guy described in this book. The progression from perfect little boy to Nice Guy basically occurs in three stages:
Abandonment, internalization of toxic shame
, and
the creation of survival mechanisms
.

Abandonment

Like all Nice Guys, Alan, Jason, and Jose were abandoned in various ways: Alan and Jose had an angry or critical parent who communicated that they were not OK just as they were.

Alan worshipped his mother, but she would not intervene when his father lashed out at Alan. This implied that he wasn't worth protecting.

Alan came to believe that he had to be different from his father to be seen as a good man and be loved by his mother.

Alan and Jason were used and objectified by their parents. They were valued for always doing it "right"

and never being a problem. This communicated that they were only lovable when they lived up to their parent's expectations.

Since Jason believed his parents were "perfect" he always felt flawed and inadequate compared to them.

Neither of Jose's parents provided any guidance, nurturing, or support. This communicated that he was of little or no value to them.

Alan and Jason grew up in fundamentalist churches that reinforced a need to be perfect and sinless.

Failure to do so meant everlasting punishment.

Jose believed he was valuable only if he was different from his crazy family.

All three — Alan, Jason, and Jose — believed that someone else's needs were more important than their own — a common occurrence in Nice Guy families.

All of these experiences represented a form of
abandonment
because they communicated to these little boys that they were not OK just as they were.

Shame

Regardless of whether they were abused, abandoned, neglected, shamed, used, smothered, controlled, or objectified, all Nice Guys internalized the same belief —
it was a bad or dangerous thing for them to
be just who they were.

Some of these messages were communicated overtly by parents who had no concern for the child's welfare. Some were communicated indirectly by caring parents who themselves were too young, overwhelmed, or distracted to provide a nurturing environment for their child. At times, these messages were communicated by circumstances that were beyond anyone's control.

In every situation, the child believed these events and circumstances were telling a story about him. He believed there was something about him that caused these things to happen. Using child-like logic he concluded,
"There must be something wrong with me because ____________." Fill in the blank:
When I cry, no one comes.

Mom gets that look on her face.

Dad left and didn't come back.

Mom has to do everything for me.

Dad yells at me.

I'm not perfect like Mom and Dad.

I can't make Mom happy.

These childhood experiences also caused the young boy to believe,
"I'm only good enough and
lovable when ____________." Fill in the blank:

I'm different from Dad.

Mom needs me.

I don't make any mistakes.

I make good grades.

I'm happy.

I'm not like my brother.

I don't cause anyone any problems.

I make Mom and Dad happy.

Survival Mechanisms

As a result of their childhood abandonment experiences and the inaccurate interpretation of these events, all Nice Guys developed survival mechanisms to help them do three very important things: 1) Try to cope with the pain and terror caused by their abandonment experiences.

2) Try to prevent these abandonment experiences from occurring again.

3) Try to hide their toxic shame from themselves and others.

For Nice Guys, these survival mechanisms took the form of the following life paradigm:

●
IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be

●
THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

It is this paradigm, formed in childhood, that guides and controls everything Nice Guys do in their adult lives. Even though it is based on faulty interpretations of childhood events, it is the only road map these men have. Nice Guys believe this map is accurate, and if they follow it correctly, they should arrive at their desired location — a smooth, happy life.
Even though this life script is often highly ineffective,
Nice Guys frequently just keep trying harder, doing more of the same, hoping for different results.

Two Kinds Of Nice Guys

The survival mechanisms that Nice Guys develop to deal with their abandonment experiences and internalized toxic shame are usually manifested in one of two ways. In one form, a Nice Guy exaggerates his belief about his "not OK-ness" and believes he is the worst kind of person. I call this man the
"I'm so bad"
Nice Guy.

The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows and getting whippings as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager. He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult. He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice.

The second kind of Nice Guy is the
"I'm so good"
Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness. He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right. As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "t". This Nice Guy has tucked his core belief about his "not OK-ness" into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person.

Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws and become what they believe other people want them to be.

I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood.

Breaking Free Activity #3

It is impossible to cover every factor that might cause a young boy to try to hide his perceived
flaws and seek approval from others. I don't believe it is essential for Nice Guys to uncover
every

experience that ever made them feel unsafe or bad. But I have found that some understanding of
where a life script originated is helpful in changing that script.

Reread the stories of Alan, Jason, and Jose. Think about how these stories are similar to your own
childhood experiences. On a separate piece of paper or journal, write down or illustrate the
messages you received in your family that seemed to imply that it wasn't OK for you to be who
you were, just as you were. Share these experiences with a safe person. As you do, make note of
your feelings. Do you feel sad, angry, lonely, numb? Share this information as well.

The purpose of this assignment is to name, rather than blame. Blaming will keep you stuck.

Naming the childhood experiences that led you to believe that it was
not a safe or acceptable thing
for you to be just who you were will allow you replace these messages with more accurate ones and
help you change your Nice Guy script.

The Baby Boom Generation And The Sensitive Guy

Every child who has ever lived has experienced various forms of abandonment. There are many ways in which children can interpret and respond to these events. As stated above, becoming a Nice Guy is just one of many possible reactions. The childhood experiences described above are probably not sufficient in just themselves, however, to account for the multitude of Nice Guys I encounter regularly.

I have no doubt that Nice Guys have always existed. There have always been Marvin Milquetoast and Walter Mitty kinds of guys out there. I'm sure there has never been a shortage of mama's boys and henpecked husbands. I believe many little boys are born with a peaceful, generous temperament and grow up to be peaceful, generous men. But after years of working with countless men, I am convinced that a unique combination of social dynamics over the last five decades has produced a plethora of Nice Guys in historically unprecedented numbers.

To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War II. These social dynamics included:

● The transition from an agrarian to an industrial economy.

● The movement of families from rural areas to urban areas.

● The absence of fathers from the home.

● The increase in divorce, single parent homes, and homes headed by women.

● An educational system dominated by women.

● Women's liberation and feminism.

● The Vietnam War.

● The sexual revolution.

These events combined to have a major impact on American boys growing up in this era. These social changes created three profound dynamics that contributed to the wide spread phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation.

1) Boys were separated from their fathers and other significant male role models.
As a result, men became disconnected from other men in general and confused as to what it meant to be male.

2) Boys were left to be raised by women.
The job of turning boys into men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women.

3) Radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary.
The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be. For many men, this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labeled as "bad" men.

20th Century History 101

The following is a brief overview of how some of the dynamic social changes of the last half of the 20th century helped create the bumper crop of Nice Guys in our culture.

The Loss Of Fathers

The shift to a manufacturing society and an urban migration in the post-war years took fathers away from their sons in droves. According to the US census, in 1910 one-third of all families lived on farms.

By 1940, this number had shrunk to one in five. By 1970, 96 percent of all families lived in urban areas.

In an agrarian society, boys connected with their fathers by working alongside them in the fields. This often meant contact with extended family that included grandfathers, uncles, and cousins. This daily contact with men provided boys with an intimate model of maleness. Sons learned about being male by watching their dads, just as their own fathers had learned by watching their fathers. As families migrated from rural areas to cities and suburbs after World War II, the contact between fathers and sons diminished significantly. Dads left home in the morning and went to work. Most sons never got to see what their fathers did, let alone have much time to spend with them.

Fathers became unavailable in other ways. Men's addictions to work, TV, alcohol, and sex took them away from their sons. Increases in divorce began to separate boys from their fathers. Census statistics show that the incidence of divorce among men tripled from 1940 to 1970. In 1940, just over five million households were headed by women. By 1970, this figure had almost tripled to over 13 million households.