No-One Ever Has Sex on a Tuesday (14 page)

‘And do you know why
he
didn’t do it? Afterwards he had the gall to tell me that I was much better suited to present, given my experience. I tell you, I nearly lost it with him.’

‘Anyway, so I gave him some Calpol and he seemed to be okay, but I’ve been checking his temperature every four hours just to be sure.’

‘I mean, honestly. He knows I wasn’t happy when he was brought in above me. He’s only been with the company five minutes and then he wants me to do his job for him. Unbelievable.’

‘And then Rebecca had a funny poo before she went to bed. You know those ones she used to have when she was tiny. The really pale ones.’

‘The ones that oozed out of her nappy. They really were disgusting,’ Matthew commented. ‘Anyway, I told Ian that I’m going to go to Jim and tell him I’m doing this new guy’s job for him. It’s just not fair. Then Ian told me how much money he’s on. God knows how he found out. Apparently it’s twenty grand more than what the job was advertised for internally. It’s so fucking typical. The idiots on the board bring in a chap from outside, pay him more and then he expects everyone else to do his work for him. I’m so angry.’ He reached for the wine bottle and poured himself another large glass.

‘I’m wondering if I should cancel tomorrow now,’ Alison said to herself. ‘Don’t want any more germs coming into the house. We could always leave it a couple of days. See how they both are.’

‘Might be wise,’ said Matthew. ‘But you know what will happen now, don’t you? We’ll only go and win the frigging business and who will get all the glory? Blooming golden balls, new boy Simon, that’s who. Well, over my dead body. I’m telling everyone that he had bugger all to do with that pitch.’

‘I’ll see if either of them has a temperature in the morning. And if they do I’ll tell him not to come round. Better safe than sorry.’

‘Is that the new gardener coming to give you a quote?’ asked Matthew, picking up the newspaper and spreading it out on the table. ‘He can stay outside, can’t he? No need for him to come in.’

‘Er, no,’ said Alison, turning her back on him to get the offending wine glass out of the dishwasher and wash it by hand in the sink. ‘No, actually, it’s someone I said I’d lend a hand to.’

‘Oh,’ said Matthew, turning to the sports pages. ‘Who’s that, then?’

‘Oh, just some friend of Charlene’s.’

Matthew didn’t reply immediately, as he got absorbed in the post-match write-up for the previous evening’s game.

‘One of Charlene’s friends, you say?’ he said eventually, still staring at his paper. ‘Not one of the ones who did that hideous dance with her at her wedding party?’

‘Actually, it’s a man,’ stated Alison. ‘He’s a stay-at-home dad.’

‘A stay-at-home dad?’ said Matthew, looking up.

‘Yes,’ said Alison, now polishing the wine glass with a clean tea towel, holding his gaze. ‘Have you got a clean shirt for tomorrow?’

‘I’ve no idea,’ he said, studying his wife closely. ‘So have you met this stay-at-home dad person?’

‘Of course I have,’ she replied, now wiping down the sink with the clean tea towel.

‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘Well, what’s he like?’

‘He’s just a man, Matthew. And he needs help. His partner clearly had no clue so I offered to help him, that’s all.’

‘Right,’ said Matthew, leaning back in his chair and looking slightly perplexed. ‘And he’s a friend of Charlene’s?’

‘Yes, that’s what I said.’

‘And he’s coming here?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you’re sure he’s okay?’

‘Of course.’

‘But you don’t know him.
I
don’t know him.’

‘He’s fine, honestly. Do you seriously think I would do anything to put me or George and Rebecca in danger? He just needs some help with his baby.’

‘Well, I think that’s admirable, I really do, Alison, but you’re bringing a stranger into our home, and I know he’s a friend of Charlene’s, but really, that’s nothing to go by, is it? You may never get rid of him. He might be some kind of weird stalker. He could be on our doorstep every day wanting more and more help. And what happens if he asks for money? What then? Is that the kind of help he’s after? Can you really be sure you know what he wants? He could walk in here, see the stereo, and it could be gone next week. Really, Alison, this isn’t like you. You’re normally so protective of our home. A stranger, really?’

‘Matthew, ‘ she said calmly, ‘I really do take umbrage at the fact you don’t trust my judgment in this matter.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Matthew. ‘But you barely know him. Tell you what. Why don’t you invite him round at the weekend instead, then at least I’ll be in the house as well.’

‘I can’t do that,’ said Alison.

‘Why not?’

She gave a big sigh. ‘Because he doesn’t want his partner to know that he’s getting help.’

‘He wants to keep it a secret?’

‘Yes.’

‘So he’s going to be here in our house and he’s not telling anyone he’s coming?’

‘Yes.’

‘The more you tell me about this bloke, the more dodgy it sounds. I’m not sure I’m very comfortable with this.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Alison, throwing the tea towel in the sink. ‘Look, he made me promise I wouldn’t tell you, so if I tell you now, you have to promise not to tell anyone else, okay?’

‘What?’ cried Matthew. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Just promise me you won’t tell anyone.’

‘Okay. If I must.’

‘It’s Ben,’ she stated, putting her hands on her hips. ‘You know, as in Ben and Katy.’

Matthew did well not to drop his wine glass or pass out.

‘Katy’s decided to go back to work and left Ben holding the baby, quite literally if you ask me,’ Alison continued. ‘Didn’t I tell you she wasn’t maternal? Anyway, Charlene called and said Ben was struggling – desperate, actually – and needed some help. Would I go round with her and get him on the right path? Well, what could I say? I could hardly leave him in the lurch, could I? So we went round there this morning, and, well, it was pitiful really. He had no idea what he was doing. That poor child must have been dragged up so far. Of course I offered to share my expertise. But Ben doesn’t want Katy to know, for some reason, and he made me promise not to tell you. I think he probably thinks you haven’t forgiven him for punching you, but I tried to tell him you are a better man than that and you totally understand his motivation and, well, it’s all water under the bridge now, isn’t it?’

Matthew stared at his wife, his mouth open.

‘Isn’t it?’ she demanded.

‘Isn’t what?’ was all Matthew could muster.

‘Water under the bridge.’

‘What’s water under the bridge?’ he asked slowly.

‘Ben punching you – you’ve forgiven him, haven’t you? Honestly, Matthew, if you could see him now. I felt sorry for him, I really did. ’I don’t know how Katy sleeps at night knowing she’s left him to fend for himself when he’s no idea what he’s doing.’

‘Katy’s gone back to work?’ Matthew asked.

‘Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying. Aren’t you listening? Ben needs us, Matthew. That’s why he’s coming round here tomorrow, so I can teach him the basics.’

‘Ben is coming here!’ stated Matthew, not so much to Alison but to the world in general. Someone must realise what a ludicrous thing this was to be happening.

‘Yes, as long as George and Rebecca aren’t running a temperature.’

Matthew found himself praying for one of his children to have a temperature before he stopped himself. There must be other ways of
preventing this potentially cataclysmic meeting. And what was Ben thinking, accepting help from Alison? It didn’t make any sense. He’d have thought that Ben wouldn’t want to be within a hundred miles of Matthew, let alone come to his house with . . . oh my God. Matthew fought hard to keep his face in a normal pose when all he felt like doing was allowing it to crumple into a million pieces. He’d be bringing the baby. Katy’s baby. The baby that had nearly turned all of their worlds upside down.

‘I’ll just go and kiss George and Rebecca goodnight,’ he squeaked, not trusting his reactions any longer.

‘Just check how hot they are, will you?’ Alison shouted after him. ‘Put your hand on their forehead and see if it feels too hot.’

Matthew wasn’t listening. He was already halfway up the stairs and heading for the master bedroom. Once inside he went into the en-suite, which reminded him of a prison cell due to its matching wall and floor tiles and its absence of any personality whatsoever. He sat on the pointless bidet and put his head in his hands. This couldn’t be happening again.

Chapter Fifteen

‘How anyone can work dressed like that, I have no idea,’ Daniel muttered to Katy as he watched two women walk across the reception of Wholesome Cereals wearing white overalls and hairnets. ‘Hairnets? One of the great unanswered questions of our time.’

‘Hygiene,’ Katy muttered back distractedly.

‘In what way could that ever be hygienic? Hygienic would be a rubber swimming hat. Nothing gets through those babies, believe me. I kept my cash under mine at Jimmy and Chris’s wedding pool party in Vegas last year. Dry as a bone. Now that wouldn’t have happened if I’d been wearing a hairnet, would it?’

Katy said nothing. She wasn’t really listening.

Daniel picked a thread off his Armani trousers.

‘And as for this reception, it has to be the most depressing place on earth – seriously. How many shades of biscuit can you get in one room? I can feel every drop of joie de vivre literally seeping out of my shoes the minute I step onto the hideous carpet. Why, Katy, why?’

Katy gave a massive sigh. She really didn’t give a damn, to be honest. Leaving Millie that morning had somehow proved to be the hardest ever. All the euphoria of her spectacularly successful initial return to work had melted away and now she was back to feeling incredibly guilty that she wasn’t the one staying at home to look after her daughter. Besides which, Ben was barely speaking to her. He just grunted and told her not to worry about anything. A statement that was guaranteed to make her worry. Daniel jabbed her in the ribs to point out the shiny black blob of chewing gum curved over the armrest of the sagging settee they were sitting on and she realised he would not rest until she engaged in conversation with him about the state of their current location.

‘I guess the factory and this building were built a long time before they knew they needed a swanky reception to impress the likes of some shallow person who draws pretty pictures like you,’ she shrugged.

‘Really, you can go back on maternity leave now. Your insults have been a novelty so far, but today they’re just insults.’

‘Maybe I would go back on maternity leave, if I could,’ Katy muttered.

‘What?’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘And miss coming to glamorous outposts like this?’ He swept his arm round in a grand gesture. ‘Isn’t this what you were dreaming of when you were scraping baby poo off the floor?’

‘Actually, no,’ Katy admitted, slumping her chin down on her hand, ‘but I just didn’t expect to feel like this.’

‘Please don’t make me do it, Katy, I beg you.’

‘Make you do what?’

‘Ask you how you are coping without having a pooing, weeing, burping, yakking machine attached to your thigh? If Lynn comes into a meeting once more and gives you that “
we working mums are in this together and isn’t it soooo hard without our babies attached to us and no-one else understands
” look, I might have to throttle the pair of you. And if she tells me once more she has to leave at four fifty-five p.m. precisely because it costs her a trillion pounds a nanosecond if she is late picking up at nursery, I will throw her out of the window.’ Daniel took a breath then jabbed his finger at Katy. ‘It’s your choice, my girl. Please don’t allow it to affect my working life. And I know about difficult choices. Being gay isn’t a choice, but choosing to be out and proud is. It’s the lifestyle decision I have made but I don’t expect the rest of the world to let me go home early because of it.’ He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms resolutely.

‘Bloody hell,’ said Katy, ‘where did that come from?’

‘It’s just that all too often people make choices and expect the rest of the world to make allowances. I don’t think that’s fair.’

‘Mmmm,’ she said, settling her chin on her hand again.

‘So why the face that looks like you woke up on Christmas morning and discovered Santa has left you a knitting pattern?’ Daniel asked eventually when Katy showed no interest in making polite chitchat.

‘I have no idea what is going on,’ she said, turning to look at him with a look of bewilderment.

‘No change there then,’ he replied.

‘Seriously,’ said Katy. ‘It’s like there is some whole parallel universe going on whilst I’m at work and Ben refuses to tell me anything. He just says
“fine” when I ask him how his day’s been, nothing else. And . . . and weird things keep happening.’

‘Like what?’

‘Well, first it was the steriliser going missing.’

‘The steriliser?’

‘Yes. I got home on my first day back at work and it wasn’t there. It had totally vanished. And it’s not as though it’s a small thing that can be easily mislaid. It stands out a mile.’

‘Don’t they do coordinated baby equipment to blend in with the sage and taupe colour scheme in your kitchen? asked Daniel.

‘No, they don’t. It’s blue and white.’

‘Hideous,’ Daniel shuddered. ‘So did you ask Ben where it was?’

‘Well, he went to the pub as soon as I got home and then when I saw him later he was so defensive about his day I didn’t dare ask him in case he thought I was accusing him of something. But when I got up the next morning, there it was. Back in its place as if it had been there all the time.’

‘Mmmm, the case of the missing steriliser. I can see why that has turned your world upside down. I have no idea how you are sleeping at night if you have random domestic appliances vanishing and reappearing apparently of their own volition.’

‘But it’s not just that,’ said Katy. ‘I got home last night, and . . .’ She paused and blew her cheeks out.

‘And what?’ demanded Daniel. ‘Had your hairbrush been moved? Oh my God, it’s a crisis.’